Jisung POV:

I flinched as the studio door flung open aggressively. I saw Changbin, on the couch across from me, stiffen, an unreadable expression reigning over his features as a furious blond stormed into the room. We both stared at our leader silently as he practically threw the bags of food onto the small coffee table in front of the couch before striding to the other side of the room and shoving around cords with shaking hands. Changbin regarded the roughly discarded bags with a wary gaze before raising his eyes to look at Chan, a strange mix of annoyance and curiosity swimming in his brown eyes. "What the hell is wrong with you, Chan?" I winced at the lack of honorifics as my sharp-jawed friend began to scold Chan. "You don't throw food! I don't care how pissed off you are, you do NOT disrespect food! It is sacred," I could tell it was a half-hearted joke mixed in with a warning reminder that we didn't own this studio and couldn't risk ruining anything. But I also knew that this was not the right time for Changbin to be testing boundaries. I shrunk into myself as Chan whirled around to face Changbin, his brown eyes a dark raging storm as he glared at the rapper.

"Don't you dare tell me what to do," Chan seethed, his eyebrows resting heavily on his face, his lips twisting into a snarl. "Remember your place Changbin. I am your hyung and leader. Show some respect," My face paled the second Changbin rose, anger settling into his posture, his head held high as he maintained eye contact with Chan; A warrior ready for war.

"I would if there was someone worth respecting," I watched as my friends stood before each other, breathing heavily, fists clenched, and eyes darker than storm clouds covering the night sky. Fear crawled up my spine. I knew what Changbin was doing, but it didn't make this any more comfortable. Chan was like a bomb that could explode at any second, a flash of lighting that could strike quicker than you could blink, a furious whirlwind of a tornado that could either mercilessly tear your life a part or go around your town.

The blond deflated, collapsing heavily onto the couch, guilt and sadness shining brightly in eyes as tears pricked at the edges, rushing to flow down his face. I released a breath I hadn't realised I was holding. The tension dissipated as quickly as it came like an earthquake, disappearing, but not without leaving destruction in its wake. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me," Chan mumbled out, embarrassment heating his cheeks, dusting them with a pop of colour that stood out starkly against his pale skin. Changbin's shoulders sagged, relief washing over his features. He sat down beside our leader, concern tumbling out of his mouth.

"It's alright, hyung. I am just glad you didn't hit me. I am sorry for what I said. What-" Chan glanced harshly at Changbin, hurt flickering across his face.

"I would never hurt you, Binnie," A lump formed in my throat. Chan sounded so broken, his brown eyes now holding nothing more than a simpering rain cloud of regret. "You know that right?" My heart clenched tightly as jealousy tore through my chest. Chan had given Changbin a nickname. A full on, actual nickname. A nickname that seemed to hold so much more meaning than the simple '-ie' addition to my name he only gave me when he was severely disappointed in me. Where's mine? Am I not worth it? What am I lacking that makes me less than Hyunjin and Changbin?

I watched my two friends interacting silently. I felt invisible as Changbin nodded and hugged Chan as both of them mumbled to each other too quietly for me to hear. I sunk further into the chair, feeling out of place. Should I just leave? But where would I go? An image of a tall brown eyed, dark haired, plump-lipped prince surfaced in the front of my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut in an effort to make the boy disappear. Why the hell would I go to him? Why did I even think of him? I don't even know him!

I jumped, startled when Chan's voice filled the room a little too loudly, nervously. "I suppose you want an, um, explanation?" I glanced at him and met his concerned gaze. His brow furrowed as he stared at me, "Are you okay, Jisung?"

A slap in the face. That's what it felt like. A wake up call. I am not important enough to have a nickname. I attempted to school my face into one that portrayed the opposite of what I was feeling. But the my lips barely curled upwards as I tried to convince him that I was perfectly fine- perfectly fine despite the stinging wound Chan had carelessly flung salt onto. I knew it was a poor attempt as Chan's brows furrowed.

"I'm good, hyung."

"You sure?" This time I forced a grin and sat up straighter.

"Yes! Of course, I am okay, hyung. Why wouldn't I be?" A foreign laugh passed my lips as a new, heavy emotion settled against my heart while an all too familiar one curdled the acid in my stomach until I felt like throwing up. I instinctively glanced at Changbin and immediately regretted it. His brown eyes were focused intently on me, his brows were drawn low over his eyes, his lips pulled down in a disapproving frown.

"Jisung," he began sternly. "Why aren't you?" I blinked in confusion at him. Why aren't I what? I flickered my glance over at the blond beside him in hopes that he would explain what Binnie meant. However, he continued to observe me quietly before betraying his earlier promise to me.

"He hasn't been eating," The world slowed as too many emotions whirled behind Changbin's eyes. I glared at Chan, furious as Changbin's gaze bore into the side of my skull imploringly.

"CHAN HYUNG! You promised! We had a deal! You said you wouldn't tell the others!" I yelled, rising slightly from my seat as I stared down the blond who had just betrayed me. Before I could say anything else, Changbin turned to Chan, his tone harsh.

"You promised to keep it a secret? Chan, you know how dangerous this is. This isn't something you should keep from everyone," The omittance of 'hyung' in this instance emphasized Changbin's scolding words more so than before. Chan hung his head silently as he listened to Changbin's disappointment. Changbin settled his hard stare on me and I sunk back into the chair as much as I could, exhausted by the effort expended to sit up straight. "And you! What did I tell you about not eating last time? Hmm?" I clamped my mouth shut tightly. With Changbin, it was best to let him just rant and expel the anger from his system rather than speaking and trying to make excuses. "You know you can't just not eat. I have to convince Chan to eat enough without needing to be worried about you on top of that! And what the hell has Minho been doing? Has he just decided to-" Chan tensed, his head snapping up as Minho's name was mentioned. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion and I leaned forward, my curiosity piqued. What did Minho have to do with all of this? Changbin suddenly cut himself off with a cough as Chan tapped him not so subtly. "Uh-right... Anyway, Chan brought food, and I want to see you eat Jisung," the finality of his tone meant that the conversation was done, but I ignored it as uneasiness slithered into my stomach and coiled around the organ.

"Why did you bring up Minho, hyung?" I asked while the rapper began removing the food from the plastic bags.

"Eat." Changbin's stern voice silenced the rest of the questions dancing on the tip of my tongue. His cold stare was vicious and threatening. He was mad. I could understand that. But he was keeping something from me. Something about Minho. I don't like being out of the loop. The all too familiar feeling leapt from my stomach, into my chest and wrapped its cold hand around my lungs until I was struggling to breath. A familiar bubbling darkness filled my chest and tainted my thoughts. They were keeping things from me because they didn't trust me, because they didn't think I was worth their trust. The overwhelming sensation of old thoughts and emotions barreling into me without warning after months of absence left me reeling. I wanted the thoughts to stop but no matter how much I try to convince myself that they're not true, it isn't the same as when arms are wrapped around me and that specific voice whispers to me that they aren't true.

"Changbinnie," I whined, coining the nickname from the time I went to Changbin a few months after the day I completely gave in to the feeling of worthlessness. I watched as he froze, his shoulders tensed, his chopsticks paused in mid-air as his eyes stared, unfocused, at the container of food in his hands. Panic flared up within me as the dark haired rapper remained motionless as a suffocating silence strangled the room of all sound. Chan glanced between us, confusion sweeping across his features delicately. I ignored Chan's silent questions as he observed us and instead focused on staring at the tense ravenette. "Changbinnie," I whined again, dragging his name out slowly in a low, needy whine. 'Please just look at me!' My thoughts screamed at the frozen boy opposite from me. 'Make it stop. Please... I can't-I-Changbinnie, I don't want to feel like this anymore'. I tried to convey the thoughts through my eyes, my mouth refusing to do it for me. Dark brown eyes snapped up to meet mine, haunted memories swirling in their depths as they glistened with the desperate pleas of the past.

"Sungie..." he choked out in a broken whisper. "Don't. Please don't."

I blinked in surprise as the rapper placed the food and his chopsticks down on the table shakily before standing and leaving the room. I stared at the door Changbin closed behind him and felt a warm tear slowly sliding down my cheek. He never used to leave. Why did he leave now? Why did he leave me? Because I'm not worth it. The thought was spearing through my chest before I could stop it, stabbing into my heart mercilessly. He never meant anything that he said. Why would he? Why would anyone? I am a speck of dust no one wants on their clothes. Anxiety and confusion dug their claws into my chest and tore into the sensitive flesh, tearing my heart and lungs into pieces as I waited for him to walk back in, to take me into his arms and whisper that everything would be alright, that I just had to hold onto him and everything would be okay. Tears soaked my cheeks and jeans as they fell in endless streams from my eyes.

I want to go back in time. I want to the days when Hyunjin didn't exit. I want to go back to the days when I never knew Minho. I want to go back to the days when Chan and Changbin never left my side- when I didn't feel like I was fighting a losing battle alone.

Suddenly, protective arms were wrapping around me, pulling me in tightly to a broad chest. But they were the wrong protective arms, the wrong broad chest. "Hey, hey, Jisung, breathe. Just breathe okay?" The wrong comforting voice. This was all wrong. I pulled away from Chan and despite my action being weak, he released me as if I had broken free of his hold. I stared at the door, begging silently for it to let Changbin back in. I couldn't do this without him. I couldn't do it anymore. They both used to be there for me no matter what, but since the five others had joined us, they have pulled away and left me to deal with everything alone. I am so weak. I can't even handle a couple of memories or emotions by myself. An old part of myself scoffed in disgust and I whimpered unconsciously. My body felt like it was burning and freezing at the same time while my chest was being split apart. I choked on a sob as my eyes slid towards movement caught by my peripherals. Chan remained kneeling in front of me despite my blatant rejection towards him. He remained on his knees, staring up at me, heartbroken and completely at a loss at what to do but I barely spared him a glance, afraid that if I even so much as blinked, I would miss Changbin walking in through the door.

Time dragged by slowly, the clock in the studio ticking endlessly, marching forward in a slow, continuous circle. What was merely minutes, felt like an eternity. The eternity seeped the energy from my body hungrily and I deflated, retracting into myself, curling into the couch as the comfort I sought never arrived. I didn't deserve that comfort anyway... Colourful, grey tinged memories danced around the edges of my mind, reminding me of the time when I woke Changbin in the dark of the early morning in an attempt to chase away the inexplicable overwhelming feeling of despair at being alive. I had shaken the dark haired rapper awake with whispered pleas and silent tears and he had held me tightly in his arms, refusing to let go as I begged him to make it all stop. To make the agonizing torture end. To make the unwanted thoughts disappear. He held me, until he could trust his own voice to be strong enough for the both of us. And despite his haggard breath and shaky words, it was strong enough. Strong enough for us to believe that if we both just held onto each other, then it would be enough to make everything okay, even if just for a little while.

The door flew open and Changbin burst in. His face puffy and tear streaked, his hands shaky and slightly bloodied. He rushed towards me, pulling me into his arms, sliding into the chair and tugging me onto his lap with his strong arms. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It will be alright. Everything will be okay if you just don't let go."

"Changbinnie..." a tremble shook Changbin's body and his voice wavered as he answered my unspoken pleas.

"I'm here, Sungie. I'm here now. Everything will be okay, I promise," I hid my face in Changbin's chest. This was right. The right arms, the right chest, the right voice. Everything was going to be okay now.

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Chan's POV:

I stood and moved away from the two holding each other like their lives depended on it. I collapsed onto the couch I had originally been sitting on, my limbs heavy with the feeling of being left out. Whatever was going on, it had happened before. Jisung had given Changbin his own nickname and held him tightly. How many times had they done this? Why did Jisung trust Changbin and not me?

I stared at my hands, lost in thought as Changbin continued to whisper inaudible things to Jisung until his sobs quietened to small whimpers. How had I never known about this? Why did Jisung suddenly behave that way? What did I do wrong? I clasped my hands together tightly until the knuckles were white and the skin was pulled taut across the muscles.

"Sungie, baby, it's okay. Just don't let go and everything will be okay," Changbin's voice was louder, wavering but strong as he gently rocked the still shaking Jisung. He even calls him 'baby'? This knowledge stabbed at my heart. Almost four years of knowing Jisung and Changbin, and yet I felt as if I knew nothing about them, as if the four years just dissolved into thin air. I clenched my jaw. I couldn't do it anymore. This interaction was too personal, too intimate and I wasn't a part of it. I was just an unwanted bystander intruding on their private moment.

I stood and silently made my way to the door, but before I could turn the handle and open the door, a hoarse voice stopped me. "Don't leave, hyung," I inhaled sharply. Jisung's voice was cut by merciless shards of glass, causing his words to bubble and overflow with panicked desperation. It was perturbing. I turned around slowly and met Changbin's disappointed stare. His eyes conveyed a story I couldn't read as he waited for me to walk away from the door. I stepped away from my only escape route hesitantly. Why did Jisung want me to stay? Why was Changbin disappointed? What was I missing? I sat back down on the couch, my back straight and stiff, the muscles refusing to unbunch and relax. Satisfied that I wasn't leaving, Jisung hid his face against Changbin's chest, the crown of his head resting under Changbin's pointed chin.

"How long since he ate?" The dark haired rapper's voice was empty as it filled the room.

"Monday morning," I answered, the words capturing my sadness and taking it with them to drench the expectant silence with it. Changbin nodded slowly and glanced down at Jisung.

"That explains a lot," he stated without explanation. I waited for an elaboration on what he meant, but it didn't come. So, I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you think it's so important that he eats?" Changbin's eyes were dull and his expression serious as he stared at me.

"I-" before I could finish, the ravenette interrupted.

"If he doesn't eat frequently, it leaves his emotions and mind a mess and makes it easier for those negative thoughts to convince him that no one will notice or care if he has a dozen too many pills," My breath caught in my throat at the mention of Jisung's suicide attempt.

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FLASHBACK

Two years ago

I walked into the apartment with a relieved sigh. I had finally found the right beats for our next song and had made excellent progress with the lyrics. Today was a good day. I dumped my bag on the floor beside my chair before heading into the kitchen. I was hungry and wanted something to celebrate this progress after two weeks of hitting a roadblock. A frustrated sigh escaped me as I stared at the food in the fridge; none of it was what I wanted. I just wanted some lamingtons or finger buns or- oh! Fairy bread! Now, that would be really nice. Do we have sprinkles anywhere?

I hurriedly closed the fridge door and began searching the cupboards. "Aha!" I gleefully exclaimed as I discovered an unopened pack of sprinkles. I was about to grab the bread and butter when my phone began ringing.

"Hello?" I put the phone between my shoulder and ear so that I could continue collecting what I needed to make the fairy bread.

"Hyung, I'm not at home right now, but I have a bad feeling. I don't know why. Can you- can... um.. can you check on Jisung? I don't know. Just check that he is okay please. This bad feeling has been getting worse all day but I can't check on him myself because I am still at the bank,"

"uhhh...Did you try calling him?" I queried, confused by Changbin's strange ramblings. Frustration tickled my insides, despite making progress, I was tired and had the beginnings of a migraine throbbing at my temple. I just wanted to make an Australian snack and now it seemed like I couldn't even do that. Had my luck run out today?

"I did."

"Did he pick up?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"Changbin, I really don't understand what is going on. I just got home and I just want to make something to eat," But even as I said this, I glanced around. The house was deadly silent and I was alone in the kitchen, which was unusual. Normally, if Jisung was home when I returned, he would come out of his room to ask me how things went and overall just hang out. I didn't like what Changbin was saying because it was making me nervous. "Are you sure he didn't go out or something?" I asked as I began to walk around the house in search for the squirrel-cheeked boy.

"No, hyung, you don't get it. Something's wrong. I don't know what. But something's going on with Jisung. When I called him he said he was fine but there was something wrong with his voice – I really don't know how to explain it. And he refused to leave the house when I asked him if he wanted to come to the bank with me, even when I offered to buy him food. He said he just wanted to be home when you got there, but Jisung never turns down food. Even for you. Something's not right," I paused when I saw Jisung's door closed. While not completely unusual, it was rare for the younger rapper to do that.

"His door is closed," I informed Changbin, my voice barely above a whisper. "Look, I will check on him and call you back. I'm sure that it's probably nothing." Changbin hung up and I approached the bedroom door warily, a sense of foreboding growing in the pit of my stomach the closer I got to the door.

I knocked gently. No response. I knocked louder, my knuckles tapped harshly against the white paint. I waited for an invitation but I heard nothing. Maybe he was asleep? I was about to walk away when my hand reached for the door handle on its own accord. I went through the motions of opening his door before I could stop myself. And never had I wished more in my life that I had just walked away because what I saw seared itself into my mind instantly, an unwanted branding that I would never be able to get rid of.

My brain struggled to comprehend the scene before me as the world began to spin too fast for me to keep up. Bile crawled up my throat, eager to escape. I swallowed heavily. Before me sat a dazed looking Jisung who was staring up at me with glazed, glassy eyes. He held an almost empty pill bottle, and although some of those small tablets were strewn on the floor around Jisung, it was clear that they were not enough to fill the bottle. A strange voice reverberated in my ears, catching and scratching against each strained syllable.

"Jisungie," I blinked in surprise when I realized it was my voice. My broken voice stretching and contracting around the letters with difficulty. The boy I had known for one and a half years, the boy I had come to love like family, was sitting silently on the floor, his fingers wrapped loosely around the lip of the open pill bottle.

Fury, despair, confusion, terror. Too many swirling emotions to pin point pressed against my heart, crushing the pounding organ. "Jisungie," the name passed my lips again, my own voice sounding foreign to my own ears as I rushed forward and dropped to my knees in front of the younger boy. I pried the almost empty bottle from Jisung's hands and nearly died on the spot when I saw the label.

The pills were mine. They were the sleeping pills I bought last month as requested by my doctor but never opened. "Jisungie," I hiccupped out his name as I struggled to breathe. This was my fault. Jisung was going to die and it was all my fault.

I yanked my phone out of my pocket, fighting off the dark spots threatening to steal my vision. I will not let Jisung die! I dialed the correct emergency number after almost typing in the Australian triple zero. I responded to the person on the other end as calmly as I could, only malfunctioning when Jisung slipped into unconsciousness. I dropped the phone on the floor and tried to shake the boy awake.

"Jisung! Jisung! Wake up, Jisung! Come on! You can't die, okay? Jisung?"

When the paramedics arrived, I don't remember much, but I found out later that they had to physically remove me from the room to get Jisung out because I refused to let him go. After they left, I remained sitting on the couch where they had convinced me to sit so they could ask some questions.

I stared blankly at my hands, too lost in my thoughts to register when the front door was flung open and a frazzled Changbin stormed in. I barely remembered doing it, but I had sent Changbin a message, letting him know that Jisung had tried to kill himself- not that the text was actually that coherent. I didn't react as Changbin berated me with questions, his voice drowned out by the static sizzling in my ears.

The dark haired rapper shook me violently and I blinked, my vision focusing and the static noise settling to a faint popping. "Chan!" I met Changbin's searching gaze solemnly.

"It's my fault," my voice was hoarse as if I had been screaming. Maybe I had. I had a lot of blacked out memories since finding Jisung.

"Wh-What? How is it your fault? It's no one's fault, hyung. I should have just stayed home and then none of-"

"They were my pills," I interrupted simply.

"Ch-"

"He used my pills. It's my fault," I watched absently as Changbin's mouth opened and closed as he tried to come up with a way to rebut my claims, to deny the truth. "It's my fault if Jisung dies."

"N-no, Chan..." Changbin's voice was rough. He was struggling to keep it together. How was he keeping it together?

END FLASHBACK

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I stared at Changbin. He always kept it together. Somehow, he always keeps himself together, even as the world falls apart around him. "When did this start?" I whispered, afraid of asking the question but desperate to know how long Jisung had been seeking comfort from Changbin.

"A few months after," I didn't need Changbin to specify what exactly he meant by 'after' because I knew. "He woke me up. You weren't there. You had chosen to stay back at the studio that night. He woke me up, crying and begging me to make the pain stop. He wanted to die, hyung... I-" Changbin inhaled sharply while I just sat, dazed by this new found information. "It hurts to breathe, hyung," the short rapper admitted. "Thinking about it hurts. He was so broken. I can't even find the words that are even close to describing what it was like, how Jisung was. He begged me, pleaded that I make the agonizing thoughts and emotions go away. I didn't know what to do. He was shaking and sobbing and his voice was just wrecked," Changbin took a shuddering breath before continuing while Jisung just gripped him tighter. "I-I did the only thing I could think of. I hugged him as tightly as I could and promised him that everything would be okay as long as he held onto me. I guess it worked, because he calmed down after a while and we fell asleep. That is the only time I have ever been glad that you stayed at the studio all night," Changbin met my eyes meaningfully. I had a suspicion that they knew about me pulling complete all nighters at the studio, but now it was confirmed. "The same thing happened two weeks later, but you were in the house and I was still awake. Jisung was different then. Silent. He was completely silent. Comforting him was difficult, and I found out that he..." Changbin trailed off, his eyes glossing over as he relived the memory. A stray tear teetered over the edge of his lower eyelid before slipping slowly down his cheek. "He had nearly done it again. Nearly killed himself," the rapper chuckled humorlessly. "Such a simple phrase for such a complicated thing. Jisung was going to just slice his wrists open and let himself bleed out in the bathtub, but he came to me. I was terrified. I was utterly terrified because Jisung could have done it- he really could have- and neither of us would have known until the morning. He was so silent when I held him that night, but he said my name like- he said it how he said it before. It's why I had to leave the room. I couldn't deal with it again. I couldn't deal with a hurting Jisung because it meant I had missed something, again." Jisung whimpered lowly, a cry against Changbin's pain.

The mood changed as Changbin cleared his throat and changed the subject. If there was something Changbin was not good at, it was talking about extremely emotional situations. "Your turn to share," I blinked at him in confusion.

"What?"

"You still have to tell us why you were so upset when you came in."

"Oh, right..." I glanced at the floor. My little temper tantrum seemed so stupid and childish compared to what Changbin had just shared. "It's nothing."

"No, it's not," Jisung croaked out. The brunette turned his head so that he could stare at me with accusing eyes. "You were ready to destroy something. Whatever it is, it's not nothing. So, what happened?" I sighed, defeated.

"Just stupid jealousy. See? Nothing," Changbin's eyes widened while Jisung just stared at me with displeasure. Both boys waited silently for me to continue. "Minho gave Hyunjin his jumper," I announced with a frustrated sigh. Changbin raised an amused eyebrow while Jisung's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"I think we need a little more of an explanation here, Chan hyung," Changbin mused cheekily, his eyes still conveyed a haunted sadness despite his light voice. I glowered at him. "We need to understand why you're jealous."

"I-Changbin," I growled warningly. "I am not doing this now."

"Why not?" Jisung inquired audaciously a slight edge to his tone, his gaze fierce despite the pain that still lingered in the depths of his brown eyes. "You got to hear all about mine and Changbin's biggest secret. It's only fair that you explain why Minho hyung giving Hyunjin his jumper on a cold day like this is such a big deal," I glared at the youngest. He emphasized Hyunjin's name in a way that I knew was no accident. "It's okay, hyung. We won't tell Woojin about your not so little crush," he drawled challengingly.

"I do not have a crush!" I growled.

"You sure about that?" Changbin cocked an eyebrow teasingly. Were they seriously ganging up on me? Shouldn't they be too exhausted to do this after expending so much energy on their emotions?

"Perfectly sure," the words came out clipped and harsh as I pushed them through my teeth angrily.

"Are you sure you don't have a crush on Hyunjinnie?" Jisung looked at his nails disinterestedly, as if this were a boring conversation he cared little about. "I mean, you let him call you 'Channie hyung' after all, so are you certain you don't have a crush on him?" Jisung gasped suddenly, as if scandalized. "Wait! You two aren't like secretly fucking or something, right? Because- oh my gosh! That would make so much sense, wouldn't it Changbin hyung?" The stupid grin plastered on Jisung's face, although a relief to see after his breakdown, was infuriating. As the dark haired rapper opened his mouth to speak, panic shot through me. Jisung's joking assumption was too close to the truth.

"No! It's not like that! We aren't like that anymore!" I paled as I realized my slip up. Changbin perked up. Jisung stared at me with wide, bewildered eyes, caught completely off guard.

"Aren't like what anymore, hyung?" Changbin queried curiously but I could tell by the suspicion swirling in his dark brown eyes that he was piecing together the puzzle.

"Can you both just drop it?" I tried but the rappers shook their heads. "Why are you so unbearable?!" I shouted, they just shrugged in response. I groaned in frustration. This was not a story that should be shared. Not unless Hyunjin was here beside me and gave me his consent for Changbin and Jisung to know about his past- our past. I watched the two rappers staring at me expectantly from their shared chair, Jisung still curled up on Changbin's lap, a tight fist still clutching Changbin's shirt the only signs of the boy's earlier break down. I can't even tell them part of the story because it won't make sense and it will be obvious that I am excluding information.

"Just drop it," I ordered, forcing authority into my tone. I instantly felt bad for using my position as leader as Changbin and Jisung's expressions morphed into surprise and hurt. I forced myself to turn away from my friends before I became tempted to spill my guts. I busied myself with grabbing the now lukewarm food and passing it to the boys. "You should eat," I didn't glance up as I handed the containers to Jisung and Changbin.

Slowly standing, I glanced around the room, we were missing a headset. "I will be back. Don't wait up for me, just start eating," I hurried from the room, closing the studio door with a shaky exhale of relief. This was going to be harder than expected.

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Jisung POV:

I glanced at Changbin with concern. What was going on with Chan? He has never shut us down so quickly like that. What was so secret about his relationship with Hyunjin that he refused to tell even us? Changbin held my stare, sorrow and confusion dancing in his brown eyes. "Something's wrong," he stated simply. I blinked at him, brows drawing together. What did he mean?

"There's something he doesn't want to tell us. He doesn't trust us. Of course there is something wrong," I scoffed half-heartedly. I wasn't sure whether to be angry, upset or concerned. Chan never kept things from us when we asked. This is getting beyond a joke. Hyunjin shows up and suddenly Chan refused to tell us anything about what was bothering him. I shivered, Changbin's loose grip on me tightened. A glance at his face told me that it was instinctual rather than a conscious action. His expression was distant as he sorted through his reeling thoughts.

"That's not what I meant. Did you see his expression change? Before he told us-"

"You mean ordered," I interrupted, correcting his choice of words. The fact that Chan ordered us to drop the subject was new as well. Loathing for the tall Prince reignited and I scowled at the thought of the onyx haired, brown eyed, plump-lipped visual. A vulgar thought of how pretty his lips were, popped into my head and I barely contained a growl as I burned the revolting thought from my mind as swiftly as possible.

"Fine- ordered. Before he ordered us to drop it?"

"Huh? What?" I asked, completely confused by Changbin's words. I had been so absorbed with destroying that random disgusting thought that I had forgotten what we were talking about. My dark haired hyung stared at me with disappointment, his usually bright eyes dulled by frustration.

"What were you thinking about?" He asked, I glanced at him sharply.

"Thinking about?" I questioned nervously. He nodded. "I-uh- nothing, hyung," I lied. The dark haired rapper sighed heavily.

"It's fine if you don't want to tell me. I understand," Changbin smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes where only pain and sadness swirled in their dark depths. Guilt stabbed at my heart. He believed I was thinking about something relating to the self-loathing thoughts that ambled through my mind, but didn't want to tell him, that, despite everything he had done for me, every part of himself that he had given up to help piece me back together every time I broke into a million seemingly unfixable pieces and lost a part of my own self, he thought that I didn't trust him enough to share what was on my mind. Just like Chan.

"Changbin," I started.

"No, it's fine, Jisung. You don't have to tell me. I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me everything- because you don't," My hand that still clutched his shirt tightened as panic and bewilderment charged through me. I placed the food on the table slowly before turning to look at my friend.

"Changbinnie," His solemn gaze snapped to me in response to the nickname. I stared at him in exasperation before hugging him tightly. "It was just a stupid thought about Hyunjin. I didn't think you would want to hear about it," I blurted out. I must be a terrible person. Not only had I upset both Chan and Changbin today because I hadn't eaten, I had also upset Changbin by reminding him of the past, and then on top of that, I had made him believe that I didn't trust him at the same time that Chan made it clear he didn't trust us. "I'm sorry, hyung. I'm sorry for upsetting you and Chan hyung. I'm sorry for forgetting to eat. I'm sorry for hating Hyunjin. I'm sorry for reminding you of the past. I'm sorry for being a terrible friend!" Although my words were muffled by Changbin's shirt, I knew he understood every word by the way he inhaled sharply.

"Sungie..." I tilted my head slightly, glancing up at him with teary eyes. Why was I such a disappointment? If I kept this up, everyone would leave me for Hyunjin. Despair seized my heart, digging its sharp nails into the beating organ mercilessly, until it felt like my heart was being torn apart. I tightened my hold on Changbin and hid my face in his neck. A shudder travelled through his body as my breath fanned across his bare neck. Brief images of past scenarios flashed to the forefront of my mind and I pressed my lips against his pulse. I allowed my eyes to flutter closed as I felt his pulse quicken. Changbin inhaled shakily. Maybe if I did this, Changbin wouldn't leave me?

"Sungie," he whispered warningly. I ignored the warning as I dragged my lips over his skin lightly, exhaling slowly to elicit a shiver from the dark haired boy. I left a trail of soft kisses against his neck as I slowly made my way to his jaw, where I began to gently suck at the skin. Suddenly, Changbin pulled away.

"Jisung," his voice was rough and his eyes were darkened by lust as he stared into my eyes. I blinked at him as confusion bubbled in my stomach. The way he said my name was a mixture between a plea to continue and an order to stop. "We can't do this."

"Why not?" I asked indignantly, leaning closer to resume my previous mission. I wanted to do this. I wanted to repay Changbin for putting up with me, for always being there when I needed someone- even though I didn't deserve it. For always putting my happiness before his own. I wanted to make him feel good. I wanted him to want to stay with me.

"Because, Jisung, we can't. I never should have let you do this in the past," I pulled away from Changbin. He didn't want this? I searched his eyes and saw the battle within them. He wanted it, so why was he saying he didn't? I stared at him, brows furrowed, lips downturned. "I think you do this for the wrong reasons and I can't," his chest rose and fell unevenly in the silence of his pause. "I can't do this, Sungie. I can't take advantage of you. It isn't right."

"T-take advantage of me?" I stared at him in disbelief. "W-what? You aren't taking advantage of me, hyung. Why-What made you think that?"

"Sungie, tell me why you do it," I frowned at him. Why was that important? "Tell me why you do this with me."

"Hyung," I whined. I didn't understand the point of this. Didn't he already know why I did this? Didn't he know I wanted to make him happy? To repay him?

"I need to know, Jisung. I need to know why you do this," Changbin stared at me imploringly, begging me to understand what he was asking. I released his shirt and allowed my hands to rest on my lap. I stared at my fingers, contemplatively. What answer did he want to hear? I glanced up and sighed. Changbin was watching me carefully; he wanted the truth, not what he wanted to hear.

"I just wanted you to feel good," I whispered, my voice barely audible even in the silent room. "I just wanted to do something for you in return for everything you have done for me," I met his stare and watched as something akin to heartbreak danced across his features, consuming the previous emotions hungrily.

"Sungie..." tears threatened to blur my vision at the sound of Changbin's broken voice. I'm a terrible person. I just keep hurting Changbin when all he has done is be kind to me. He pulled away from me, his back pressing into the chair. His arms loosened and dropped from their place around me.

"Changbin?" My voice cracked and wavered as panic blossomed inside my chest, its roots constricting my lungs. How badly had I messed up now? How badly had I hurt Changbin? I am a horrible, horrible friend.

"Jisung, we can't do that anymore. I-I can't do that with you," No matter how much I tried to catch Changbin's eye, he avoided it, refusing to look up and meet my stare. "You never needed to do anything in return except for live. I am sorry that I made you feel like you had to repay me and that-"

"No, hyung, you don't get it. I wanted to. I want to. You never made me feel like I had to do anything. I just wanted to show my appreciation in the only way I could think of that would make you happy in the same way you made me happy."

"Sungie..." Changbin finally looked up, his eyes bright with confusion and uncertainty and a smaller, more hidden, emotion. After a moment, I worked out what it was. Desire. It was desire. "You didn't need to do anything to make me happy. I was happy just being able to hold you and know that you were still breathing," I stared at Changbin, frustration bubbling to the surface once again. Why was he making such a big deal out of this? It was just sex. Sex between two friends who had seen each other at their worst and their best.

"But you are always happier after we do it. You are content knowing that I am alive, but you are happy during and after we do that. I just wanted to see you happy like that. Why are you being so difficult?" Changbin stared at me, his eyes betraying his internal battle with himself as he debated something. He seemingly came to a decision as he pushed himself forward, his arms wrapping around me protectively once more, pulling me closer to his body before he pressed his lips against my own. I smiled against his mouth and eagerly reacted to the kiss, dragging my fingers through his hair, intertwining them through the onyx strands as the kiss deepened. Changbin sucked on my lower lip, nibbling slightly before licking it apologetically when I gasped. He pressed the tip of his tongue questioningly against my top lip, a habit he developed to ask for permission to continue whatever he was doing. I willingly allowed his tongue to slip into my mouth as he nudged my own tongue comfortingly.

We were so lost in our own world that we didn't hear the door open. I jumped, startled as Chan's voice, pitched by bewilderment and surprise filtered through the room uncertainly. "Oh, um, this isn't exactly what I meant when I told you guys to eat," I laughed at the deer caught in headlights expression Chan was wearing, momentarily forgetting about what exactly Chan had just witnessed. However, Changbin seemed to find the situation less amusing as his expression only held horror and pure terror.

Chan frowned as he noticed Changbin's uneasiness. "It's okay, Changbin. I'm not mad or anything. I'm just surprised. This was definitely not what I thought I would walk in to see," Chan chuckled. It was a nervous chuckle though and I glanced at our leader again. Thousands of questions danced alongside apprehension in his brown eyes as he stared at us.

I cleared my throat uncertainly before pulling away from Changbin, extracting myself from the terrified boy's arms and standing. I fought the urge to sit back down as I began to feel lightheaded. "Sorry, hyung. It's my fault. I was horny and Changbin was the only one here," I quickly tried to rescue Changbin from any possible anger Chan might have towards us, despite his claim that he wasn't mad. Although, it would be somewhat hypocritical of Chan to be mad at us considering how he and Woojin eye fuck each other right in front of all of us, including Jeongin. But then again, I guess eye fucking someone is a little different to actually fucking someone...

Changbin snapped his eyes towards me as I threw myself under the proverbial bus. He opened his mouth to object but I hurried to keep him quiet. "Not like I could just call up Minho this time," Changbin's mouth all but snapped closed and hurt flashed in his eyes. Guilt tore at my chest as I both simultaneously belittled what we were doing to merely a meaningless hook up and confirmed to both of them that Minho and I had in fact hooked up before. "I mean, you did say he was with Hyunjin, so he is probably busy," I shrugged as if what I had just said was no big deal. "And I'm not particularly down for a threesome right now," Chan's expression darkened as he glanced between me and Changbin. My brows furrowed in confusion until Changbin suddenly stood and strode out of the room, fists clenched, jaw tight. My eyes followed the short rapper who had helped me in more ways than one over the years as he exited the room as if he couldn't leave fast enough.

Chan turned to me. "What was that about?" An undercurrent of anger swirled through his words.

"What was what about?" I asked absently, still staring at the empty doorway. Chan's frown deepened.

"You don't even know what you did, do you?" I glanced at him, my brows furrowing.

"What?"

"Oh my god!" I frowned at the blond's exasperated exclamation. He shook his head, disappointment dulling his brown eyes, before walking out the door. "Just... Stay here, eat something and then go home. We won't do any recording today. I don't think any of us are in the right mind set for it. Make sure you get some sleep for tomorrow. Now, that Hyunjin is here, it's the real deal."

I blinked blankly as Chan's muscled build vacated the doorway the second he was done speaking and left. I glanced down at the food but my stomach gurgled in revulsion at the thought of eating. I looked around the room in an attempt to distract myself from the bile slowly creeping its way up my throat. I took a step towards the door, planning on just going home when the world swayed. My hand collided with the arm of the chair and I placed all of my weight onto it as my legs shook. I pressed my free hand against my pounding head. It was almost as if my body was trying to make up for Changbin making me forget about it all for a while.

The bile rushed upward suddenly and I was forced to swallow quickly to avoid vomiting in the studio. I pushed myself forward using my hand on the chair, holding it out beside me as close to the wall as possible while stumbling out of the room towards the toilets.

The second I shut the stall door, I fell to my knees and allowed the bile to finally escape. I groaned as my throat burned and numbness washed over my shivering body. I fumbled with my phone as I tried to extract it from the back pocket in my jeans with trembling fingers. My brain plagued me with a never-ending replay of Changbin's expression as I tried to put the blame on me so that Chan would be mad at me and not Changbin. I had done something wrong. I had hurt Changbin while trying to protect him. But what had I done that upset him?

Before I could process what I was doing, I was typing a number and pressing the call button. Minho's name shone brightly at the top screen and I stared at it uncomprehendingly before bringing the phone up to my ear. I listened as the phone rang out and the automated voice began to speak. I ended the call. Minho didn't pick up. I thought over what I told Chan and dialed Minho's number again. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes as bile crept up my throat eagerly. I shuddered and swallowed the acid burning its way out of my stomach. I tried to reach Minho a few more times before giving up, as he didn't pick up. I dropped my phone on the ground beside me and it landed with a loud clatter, muffled by the deafening pounding of my head echoing in my ears until they ached. I retched into the toilet repeatedly as I struggled to calm my jumpy nerves and overwhelming anxiety.

I leaned heavily against the toilet, barely able to support my own weight. Whatever this was, it was not just a result of not eating. I shivered as my body burned hot and froze cold two seconds later. I patted my pockets as I thought about the Panadol I had shoved in my pocket this morning for my headaches. A strange sound, reminiscent of a sob pushed past the pounding in my ears and I glanced around, wondering who else was in the bathroom before realizing that that sound came from me as another dry sob escaped past my lips upon remembering that I had left the medication on the coffee table in the studio. There was no way I was going to make it to the studio.

I inhaled unevenly, wincing as the action seared my throat. Another choked sound wheezed into existence, the unnatural noise echoing in my ears beside the incessant ringing that was slowly replacing the pounding. The toilet blinked in and out of my vision as my eyelids fluttered closed and I forced them opened only for them to close again. The world tilted strangely and I vaguely had the sensation that I was falling before I slipped into a dark oblivion.

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No One's POV:

Minho was laughing at a joke Hyunjin was sharing with the brunette while moving about the house in search of his phone. He had put it down somewhere when they arrived, but had forgotten where exactly he had left the device. And apparently it was on silent, because when Hyunjin called it, Minho didn't hear his familiar ringtone. The brunette wasn't too concerned, however, because he knew he had definitely brought it home with him.

"Aha!" He exclaimed triumphantly as he found the discarded phone chilling on his bed, casually blending in with his bedsheets. "Found it!" The tall ravenette stood at his bedroom doorway, having shadowed the older dancer around the house. Hyunjin smiled at the brunette.

"That's good. My feet were about to fall off if you didn't find it," Minho laughed at Hyunjin's overdramatic statement.

"Oh they were not," he retorted, a grin gracing his features with additional beauty. The ravenette swallowed slowly as he watched Minho's face fall as he looked at his phone.

"Jisung called me," The statement was strange, it held an uneasiness that sparked Hyunjin's anxiety. Minho glanced up at the taller boy nervously as he delivered extra kindling to feed the small flame of anxiety burning inside both boys. "He called seven times. He left one voice message," Hyunjin watched Minho bring the phone to his ear with a shaky hand to listen to the voice message.

"I fucked up, hyung..." Jisung's voice rasped on the other end on the phone. A long moment of silence only distinguished from the call ending and still being active by the painful wheezing breaths emanating weakly from the speaker. "Something's.. 'snot-something," The boy on the other end struggled to speak as his throat constricted and he struggled to breathe. "S'wrong," A loud beep signaling the end of the message.

Hey readers! I sincerely apologise that this update took so long. I actually finished this chapter just before the start of last week, but I really didn't like how dramatic and weird it was. I still don't. However, I have found that although this is a bit of a hodgepodge chapter, it actually adds depth to some later scenarios in future chapters. So, effectively, I can't get rid of this chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I will warn you, the next chapter is only half written and I have hit a bit of a road block with it and don't know how to get from point A to point B just yet, but hopefully I will be able to during the weekend and I can give you some more content next Saturday ^-^

I have also edited the previous chapters. There are some minor additions and changes, it is not necessary that you reread them, but I would suggest that if you have free time then it might be helpful.