CHAPTER FIVE

"For when he returned, the jewellery was not where he left it. 'Where are my chains of gold?' he demanded of the townspeople. And a Jewish man replied, 'Your wealth is enough to feed a hundred families. Is one chain really worth so much that you cannot spare it?' Angered, Zacchaeus stormed off. He had been betrayed."

- Trials 3:21-26, The Bible of the New World

I enter the dining hall halfway into our break, the somber conversations enough to keep people from noticing my late arrival. My thoughts are still whirling from my discovery at the east wall and my body quakes ever so slightly as I approach my friends seated at their own table near the gaping hall entrance.

Lexa sees me first, grabbing Kal's attention so that they both stare as I make my approach. I stride up to them, a sudden slither of anger burning away in my chest.

"Where is it?" I demand, speaking solely to Kal.

He frowns. "Where is what?"

Lexa speaks up. "Avalon, where have you been? You know missing meals is against the rules. You could be punished for this."

I ignore her, my eyes still on Kal's. "You're the only person I told and now it's gone. I'm not stupid - I know you have it."

"Have what?"

"Avalon, are you even listening to me?" Lexa asks. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep the teachers attention away from your absence?"

"You know what," I say to Kal. "Last night in my room, you said you'd wait until today to go with me and find it. But you just couldn't wait, could you?"

"What are you talking about? The last time I saw you was in the dining room during dinner and then you ran off without explanation."

My face pales. "But we spoke - in my room. And you were laughing and I told you about the... about the..."

"Avalon," Kal says softly. "That never happened."

Just like that, the world ceases to exist. The sounds and sights of reality drop out, leaving me alone and floating in my own personal void of terror. How could last night not have happened? Surely I didn't imagine all that? Is it even possible to have such vivid dreams? Such rich hallucinations? My mind desperately searches to find a logical explanation for everything, but I come up panicked and empty handed. This can't be happening. This can't be happening.

"Avalon!" Lexa says, her voice finally reaching my ears through the dense fog orbiting my mind.

"What?!" I say, feeling exasperated as I finally turn towards her.

"Where have you been? You could have gotten punished for this!"

"But I didn't!" I snap. "I'm fine! Now will you please stop bugging me?"

There's a hush as Lexa shuts her mouth, looking taken aback.

"Avalon, are you feeling okay?" Kal asks, his eyebrows knitting in concern. "You're acting really strange."

"I'm fine! Okay? I-" I close my eyes and take a deep breath, letting the air out with a sigh. "I'm okay," I say, calmer now. "I've just had a rough morning." Then I look at Lexa. "Sorry."

"It's fine," she says. "But seriously, where did you go?"

I let out a breath and shake my head. "I don't know. It was stupid, really. I don't know what I was thinking."

What was I thinking? What even happened? I went looking for proof of my vision and found nothing but a muddy, nondescript imprint. And yet, even with all the evidence of the opposite, I still believed that I'd been receiving visions. That whatever I'd seen last night in that hallway was real. But now I have proof that last night didn't even happen. Who knows, maybe the vision wasn't real either - maybe none of my visions were real. Maybe this very conversation is a figment of my imagination. Who's to say what's real anymore? How could I possibly know?

My thoughts are racing so fast that I start to feel dizzy, and an aching headache starts up at the base of my skull. I feel myself sway ever-so-slightly on my feet, my knees weakening as all my emotions finally catch up to me. Mindlessly, I turn away from my friends and start walking back the way I came. All I know for certain right now is that I need to be alone.

"Where are you going?" Kal asks from behind me.

"Back to my dorm," I say weakly over my shoulder. "I just need some time to think."

"You'll get in trouble for this," Lexa calls worriedly.

But I'm already too far away to reply.

-:-:-:-:-

I know I should have listened to Lexa and stayed in the dining hall - the last thing I need is a punishment - but I felt as though I was about to pass out. Now, sitting in geography, a silent Lexa seated beside me, I realise how stupid I'd been. There's no way my departure went unnoticed by the Guards lining the walls and by now they've probably already spoken to a teacher. It's not a matter of if I get punished, it's a matter of when. And, frighteningly, what. What will it be this time? No water? Isolation? A note on my file reading 'cause for concern'? The sheer amount of thoughts bouncing around my brain trigger an intense migraine, the effects of which I try not to let show on my face as our Geography teacher, Mr Brenett, drawls on and on about continental drift.

Beside me, Lexa scrawls something on a piece of paper and slides it casually across the desk to me, her eyes never leaving the teacher. After checking to make sure Mr Brenett's gaze is focused elsewhere, I look down at the ruled paper and the message it contains:

You know you can tell me anything, right?

I heave a sigh because really, when I think about it, can I? I spilled my secrets to Kal just last night and now the cross is missing and he's denying having ever spoken to me. Which, now that I've had time to think about it, I've realised is impossible. I can still remember everything with such clarity: the darkness, the fear, his laughter as he jumped out at me from the dark. I can recall every word of our conversation, every gesture, every smile, every laugh. How could it not be real? And more importantly, why is he lying about it?

And so, if my experience with sharing my secrets has taught me anything, it's that I can't trust anyone. Not Lexa, not the rest of my peers, not the teachers or authority figures, and certainly not Kal. This is something that I must keep to myself, at least until I figure out if it's even real.

Once again, I check to make sure the teachers not looking before pulling out a pen and writing a quick reply.

Of course.

I slide the slip of paper back towards Lexa, and it dawns on me why I was so hesitant to make friends in the first place; why I invented my motto of 'keep to yourself': because in Eden, where people wear black and worship a God of fear and lies, where you're praised for being heartless and punished for showing emotion, no one can be trusted. Living here is a game: play well and you have a chance of surviving, play poorly and you lose everything - your life included. In Eden, there are no winners - none but Lucifer himself.

A minute later, Lexa passes the note back: Then what's wrong?

I reply: Nothing, just stressed about school.

Lexa: Doesn't look like nothing.

I fold the piece of paper up and stuff it in my pocket. Lexa's eyes leave the teacher long enough to send me a questioning look, but I ignore her and focus on the board. After a minute, she does the same, but I know I'm nowhere near being let off the hook. When the bell goes, she whispers, "We'll talk later." I can only nod.

As I enter my next class, one I share with Kal, I see a flicker of movement out the corner of my eye, as subtle as one shadow slipping into another, a small dance in the darkest corner of the room. Immediately, I'm hit by an overwhelming sense of being watched, so strong that my step falters, the hairs on my arms standing on end. I spot Kal sitting in the back row and swallow. He waves me over, but I don't think I can go over there, not when he's sitting in the darkest part of the room.

"Lexa!" he calls, thinking I didn't see him. I shake my fears away and make myself move towards him, but I can't help the way my legs wobble with every step, nor can I ignore the way the darkness seems to look at me as if it has eyes - as if it has a mind.

"Hey," he says as I sit down, "how are you feeling?"

"Fine," I say curtly, attempting to cut off all conversation. As I pull open my books, I do my best to ignore the way my neck tingles and force my wild imagination to quiet. But I can't hold back the images that rise up in my mind, that of a shadowy man standing over my shoulder, watching me while I work, the knife in his hand glinting every time he moves. His face haunts my mind with a smile.

"Are you sure?" Kal asks, bringing me back to reality. "You look really pale."

"I'm said I'm fine and I am. Now would you please just quit it?"

There's a lengthy gap in the conversation, and then he says, "I'm only asking because I care. You've been acting different ever since this morning and it's worrying. Every time I try to get close enough to help you, you push me away. It's as if you're not even the same person anymore."

"I'm the same person Kal, I'm just stressed."

"Stressed my ass. Avalon, you never get this worried around exam time. Whether you like it or not, I know you. And I know there's something more than what you're telling me and Lexa."

"Well if you know me so well, you'd know that I don't like people invading my privacy. Which is what you're doing right now. This is something I have to deal with by myself, do you get that?"

"Yeah, I get it," he says unenthusiastically.

"Good."

"Just tell me this: if we did actually speak last night in your room, what was it about?"

"Why do you want to know?" I ask suspiciously.

He shrugs. "I'm just curious."

I sigh. "Nothing really, just exams."

He cocks his head. "Anything else?"

"I don't know. You asked me why I was so afraid."

"Why would I ask you that?"

"I suppose because you'd just jumped out of the dark and scared the shit out of me."

He frowns. "That doesn't sound like me."

I look down at my hands. "No, it doesn't."

"Good afternoon class!" my physics teacher, Mr Fairwell announces. He's easily the nicest of all my teachers and even smiles every now and then, but that's not saying much, considering the rest of my teachers are as hard as metal and stiff as boards.

Our conversation ends as Mr Fairwell launches into a lesson on electricity - an interesting subject seeing as the only electricity we're allowed to use at school is that of the light bulb and the telephone during our monthly call home. All other electricity consuming technology is a rarity within the school walls, and we're banned from using anything connected to the internet. We do have computers at school but they're locked away in a secluded room in the North wing and are kept under constant surveillance. I've never used one before, but I've heard rumours of kids breaking in at night and sending unmonitored emails to their parents. Needless to say, they were all Removed before they could tell anyone about it, so no one really knows for sure.

The lesson ends all too quickly, as all my physics classes seem to, and suddenly it's lunch time. The idea of facing both Lexa and Kal's questions for a full forty minutes is enough make me feel nauseous, but I know I have no choice.

As I make my way over to the dining hall, a plan formulates in my mind, a plan to get my friends off my back for good. I smile slightly at my idea as I grab my food, and when I sit down, I wait patiently for them to start bombarding me with questions.

Fifteen minutes into lunch, when we're all settled and conversation about the upcoming exams has been droning on and on between Lexa and Kal for a good while, the topic swings over to me.

"So, what's up?" Lexa asks, eyes piercing mine. Kal, seated beside her, watches me closely, to the point where I feel like a bug under a microscope.

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"We know you aren't fine, Avalon," says Kal. "And we're not gonna stop asking you about it until you let us in."

I huff. "Okay, okay. I'll tell you." They watch me expectantly as I gather my thoughts. I can only hope that my answer will be enough to satisfy them.

Time to bring the plan into action.

"Maxt was Removed this morning," I say quickly. I look up at them, inserting just the right amount of emotion into my hazel eyes. "He was taken - right in front of me. And he was...he was screaming and..." I let out a shaky breath. "It's the second Removal I've witnessed in just as many weeks. Don't you worry that they're speeding things up? That they're getting stricter?"

There's silence as they let this sink in. I worry for a moment that they're not gonna take the bait, that my fake emotions won't be enough to turn them away from asking me more questions. We've been taught how to be good liars since we were young, and I proudly consider myself to be one of the best, but sometimes it's still possible for someone to see through the veil, especially if it's someone you know.

"Don't be ridiculous, Avalon," Lexa says finally. "Why would they be speeding things up?" But her voice shakes and it's not hard to tell that her heart isn't in her words.

Kal just looks worried. "I don't know, it is possible. I mean, maybe Eden's been threatened."

"By what?" Lexa asks. "What in the world could possibly pose a threat to our city?"

"You know what," I say, and that's all I need to say. The word hangs in the air between us like a sickening reminder of all that's wrong with the world: Impures.

Lexa swallows. "But why would they speed up the process of sorting us out? How does that affect anything?"

"Maybe they're worried about the yet-to-be-determined impure youth corrupting the system and tearing apart the city from the inside," Kal suggests with a shrug. "It may even be possible that they just want us all to be done with school so they can focus their resources elsewhere, maybe into eliminating the Impure for good."

I shiver. "Maxt is an Impure now. So is Olivya and Cherise."

"What's your point?" Kal asks.

"Well maybe eliminating all the Impure isn't a good thing. Maybe some of them are still...good."

"Good?" Lexa asks disbelievingly. "Can you hear yourself, Avalon? There's a reason the Impure are called Impure. And it's not because they don't shower or wear stained clothing. They're Impure because they're evil. Their whole aim is to tear this entire place apart, and if we let that happen, what will we have left? Nothing, that's what. We'll have nothing."

"But say I was Removed tomorrow because I answered a question incorrectly. Would you like to see me eliminated? Would you think I deserved that?"

"No, of course not, but-"

"Then how is Maxt any different?" I interrupt. "He made a miniscule slip-up and now he has to die? How is that fair?"

"It's not fair!" Lexa shouts exasperatedly. "None of this is fair. But that's just the way it is! And if you start questioning it, then you'll end up just like them. Impure. Dead. Is that what you want? Because at this rate, that's what you're gonna get."

"Of course it's not what I want, Lexa. I just don't see how we can be in support of something that will kill our friends."

Lexa sighs. "Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the common good and for the betterment of society. Sure, not all the Impure deserve to die - I'm sure at least some of them have been wrongly named - but once you've been outcasted by society, you're not gonna be all in support for it. Maxt and Olivya and Cherise - they're gonna be just as against the growth of Eden as any of the Impure, regardless of if they're actually Impure themselves. Surely you can see that?"

"Yeah, I get it," I say acquiescently. "But their death doesn't sit well with me, and if it sits well with you then I don't see how we can be friends."

Lexa looks taken aback, her jaw hanging open as though the muscles in her cheeks have been severed. Kal just seems stunned by how the conversation has unfolded.

"You don't mean that," she says. "They're Impures, for Chrissake - hardly anything to end a friendship for, especially since this is all hypothetical. We don't even know if this is what the government plans to do yet."

"I don't care if this is hypothetical or not. The problem is, even If it were real, you'd still take the same side."

Lexa falls quiet, unable to form a response.

After a good minute, Kal clears his throat awkwardly. "So have you guys finished your study notes yet? The exams are next week, remember?"

Lexa replies softly but I stay silent, choosing instead to watch the Nephilim as they laugh, their dazzling smiles too bright for the gloomy atmosphere. I've always wanted to be one of them - to wear the darkest greys and to be one of the Lord's favourites.

Now I'm not sure what I want.