Chapter - 18 . . . I am Sorry ..

Trigger Warring * this chapter contains an emotional part ... Where the character's mental health is not stable ..

Han Shou's POV . .

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Grandma ? ? Why did you pull me like this ? ? { I asked her . . What did she wanted to say that can't be said aloud in front of everyone . ? ? }

Aaayaa shhh !!! I need to talk to you about something important . . { she said in a hushed voice which made me realize that it was something important . .but . . . .. what kind of secret was it ? ? }

Then she went outside the room to check if there was someone . .

She gave a sigh of relief and then came back to me . .

Little boy . ... Do you know why you were out of control when you saw Xiao Qian unconscious and that stupid merman trying to fight her ? ? { she asked me with an eyebrow raise . was this the " important " thing she wanted to talk about ? ? }

Mmm . . mm . . I also don't know why I got out of control . . It was like .. . I wasn't able to control myself . . my whole body was numb . . But I had a sense of anger at that time . . I don't know why but I wanted to shatter each and everyone's body to pieces who hurt her . . I don't know how I used that weird power and what kind of power was that !! I .. I .. don't know how I used it . . I .. don't know what to do .. . . Am - am I .. . a d - de - demon ?? . . ... Am I .. . . I . . . a m- mo - monster ? ? { now I was having a panic attack . . I didn't know what to do . . what to say . . what if someday I get out of control and .. . I .. I hurt her ? ? these different kind of thoughts were coming in my mind one after another . . but I wasn't able to stop thinking . . }

Grandma tried to calm me down and then I realized that I was crying . . I ... I was c - crying ? ? for real ? Ever since I can remember , the last time I cried , it was at the time of my mother's death . . and after that .. I .. didn't even shed a single drop of tear . . but now .. . Tears were rolling down my cheeks like a river that has no end . .

Little boy . . I know that you love her more than yourself and you can't leave her . . but You . . ... . . need to leave her . . I know that you are the only one who can protect her from everyone but . . you can't protect her from yourself . . What will you do if one day you wake up to realize that she is gone . . .. she is dead . . and then you remember that you were out of control . ... your powers were out of control and that caused her .. .. death .. . !!

You know what sometimes love is all about sacrifice . . Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does . . .

{ she turned her face away from me , sighed . . she had tears in her eyes . . she was crying . . I wonder what she has gone through . . then she wiped away her tears and again turned towards me with a smile . . }

When she said those things it was like a thousands of needles were piercing through my heart . .

You can protect her from everyone in this world with your powers , and your love . . But can you protect her from ... . . .. yourself ? ?

Your power of destruction is not something a divine phoenix should have . . there must be something else . . You are a divine phoenix and as far as I know phoenix's never have the power of destruction . . If you want to protect her .. . . you need to leave her . . till the time we figure out any other solutions , like how to control your power of destruction and this is something that even I can't help you that much . .

Her words struck me like a bolt of lightning , leaving me paralyzed with a mix of sorrow . ..

I didn't knew what to say or do .. .. Even tho we were not attached physically but we were attached mentally .. . I was able to understand her even without her saying anything .. But now .. I just didn't know what to do ..

Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I was sobbing hard over grandma .. . My world was nothing without her .. I don't know what will become of me without her ..

In my world if she is not there and there is no point of me living . .

She was the one who gave me a new life .. A new me .. but - but w - without her .. I - I just don't know what to do .. . .

{ I was trying hard not to cry and speak my words properly b - but these words were not able to leave my mouth .. }

I - I wanted to kill myself .. . I won't be able to bear this distance from her .. I - I { I murmured }

She also won't be able to do .. If you kill yourself then she will definitely come after you and we won't be able to stop her ... . HMMM .. We can't even tell her about your powers .. I know that she won't agree to leave you . . . You need to LEAVE HER ! ! ! ! { She said very harshly that stopped me for a second or a two . . ....}

But h - how can I .. . . .... Just leave her without saying .. anything . . it will break her .. heart an - and - I can't bear to do that ..

{ I murmured }

Make her hate you !! Say anything that will make her hate you and leave you for good .. Little boy I know that this sound absurd but you know that this is the only way .. . Your powers are way more deadly dangerous that it sound's .. .

I cried .. . ... I cried again knowing that I won't be with her .. .

I still remembered the time when we first met .. when we kissed .. for the first time .. a big field with grass up to the length of our knee .. . There was no one around .. we both were alone ... It was the mid day ... She was sleeping under the shade of a tree .. She was sleeping so soundly .. so peacefully .. It was like I feel in love with her again .. The cold breeze blew a bit of her long blue highlighted hair strands making them look more beautiful .. I was so lost staring at her that I didn't even realized that I was very close to her face at that time .. But still I kept staring at her .. Our face was inches apart and I was able to feel her breath .. She suddenly opened her eyes .. Her face got at least got a 50 shades of red .. Then she tried to move away but she accidently slipped my hand which I was using to bent down near her .. . I fell towards her and accidently our lips touched .. It was magical .. Again I felt the air blowing and birds chirping .. The leaves falling from the tress.. This was the first time I felt complete after my mother died .. . She gave me a sense a relief , a sense of security .. She was startled with our accidental kiss .. Just as she was about to move away I pressed her back to the trunk of the tree kissing her very hard ..

{ I chuckled as I recalled our memories with tears in my eyes .. }

Grandma gave me a very tight embrace .. She calmed me down and slightly moved her hand through my hairs ..

Slowly I calmed down .. It was a tough decision but it had to be done .. to protect her .. . to protect her from my inner demon .. to protect her from me that could destroy her .. . Everyone's criticism ?? ? I am willing to take it all .. . I am even willing to die for her .. a hundred times .. a thousand times ..

I stood up and left grandma's room and slowly I entered Xiao Qian's room .. . My heart was heavy with the weight of my decision .. . I gazed at the peaceful expression on her sleeping face .. The moon peeking at her from the window .. . Tears welled up in my eyes , knowing that I had to break her heart to protect her .. .

I came near her bed . . Sat beside her .. . I whispered softly .. . my voice was trembling with emotion ..

" Little birdie , as I look at you sleeping so peacefully , it breaks my heart , it scares the sh*t out of me to know that I have to let you go .. . ... But please { I again started crying .. I knocked her out so that she won't wake up .. . }

But please u - under - understand huh ? please understand , I am doing this because I want to shield you from the pain and danger that lies ahead .. . That you will have to face by being with me .. . You deserve .. mm ... a life filled with love and happiness , and I can't bear to see you suffer because of me .. I .. .. I - I ... . . .am .. ... s - s - sorry .. I can't be a part of your happiness .. Anymore !!! But I will definitely be with you all the time .. I will be behind you .. I will protect you from everyone even without you realizing that .. . . I - is - ... . it ... . . .. o - -ok - okay ? ?

After saying that .. I gently brushed a strand of her hair away from her face , You have brought so much life and joy into my life , and I will cherish the memories we have shared forever .. You deserve someone who can give you the world , someone who can protect you from the storms that I can't shield you from ..

You know what ? ? When I saw you .. . I was swirled away in love .. You lit up my world .. .. [ again I started crying my voice was trembling .. ] And now that I have to break your heart .. . make you hate me .. How ?? how ? the fu*k am I supposed to do that .. . It feels like jumping off a cliff with a rope tied to my waist .. But I know I won't hit the land .. The fall thrills my heart , and numbs me to nothingness .. That's called helplessly in LOVE .. . . ... I need you by my side but .. ... I am sorry .. I want you here with me .. .. .. I - I - I just can't breathe , I am so weak . . mm .. I know this isn't easy .. . It feels like my world will fall apart without you .. { I am again tearing up .. no .. } I want to take you somewhere far away .. . Far from everyone .. But I know that this isn't what you want .. . I hope that one day you will be mine .. . . I wanna stay a little longer with you .. . A little longer ? ? ? .......... I don't wanna let you go .. . ..... But for you there's nothing that I wouldn't do .. ... You are the river under my eyes growing up that has no end .. . The dream you gave is enough for a long term happiness .. . The world without you , I can't take it .. .

Again I have uploaded two pictures..
You may relate as you like ..🙃

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With a heavy sigh , I leaned in closer and whispered " I hope you will understand why I had to do this .. . It's not because I don't love you , but because I love you too much to see getting hurt by a monster like me .. . You deserve a future that's bright and free from a monster like me .. "

After everything ends let's fall in love .. . One more time .. E - ev - even if it's just a d - d - dream ... Okay ? ?

I placed a gentle kiss on her forehead , this sacrifice was the greatest act of love I could ever offer her ..

With that I cried beside her very much .. My tears feel over her pillow .. I was trying not to cry but .. . She is my world .. I just can't wait to destroy her myself .. .

But deep down I knew that this was a necessary step for both of us .. . For her to be safe .. . . Love sometimes requires sacrifice , and this was one of those painful sacrifices .. .

Xiao Qian ?? ? { I whispered } I know that time to leave has come .. but I am not ready for this moment to be done .. . My love for you has no end , I will love you till my last breath .. .

I cried the whole time over her pillow till it was time for everyone to wake up have breakfast and I saw her eyes moving so I quickly left the room without making her realize that I was here .. .

This was the only thing I could do .. . Protect her , be with her from a distance .. .

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And this chapter is finished .. You know what I cried .. I cried very much while writing this chapter and I cried even more while reading this chapter .. This was really emotional for me .. I am sorry that I was not able to describe his feelings properly .. His murmuring , his voice trembling with emotion and all .. I was not able to describe it properly but I bet that if it was a sence from a drama definitely you all would have cried ..

So the next chapter is also going to make you guys cry .. .

And soon I will post the past of grandma too .. . Then again you guys are going to cry .. Well let me tell you that in the upcoming chapters .. You all are going to cry .. .

The characters will be depressed , stressed , suic*de attempts and much more ... . ...

So get ready for the roller coaster of emotions you are going to face ..

By Bye ..

Word Count - 2800 .. .. ..