The american alligator can reach twelve feet in length and weigh over 700 pounds. It can swim through water, float just under the surface of the water, slither on land, run really fast on land in pursuit of prey, and do an odd side-over-side rolling action by pushing with its tail. It has bonescale hide and an extremely powerful lower jaw.

It's possible to hunt an alligator with a bow and arrow, for certain values of arrow. The arrow bears some resemblance to a whaling harpoon, with a barbed head and a line attached to it. You can stand in a boat sitting very still in the water, at night using red lights at a frequency the alligator won't easily see.

The process consists of shooting the alligator with the arrow while it drifts by the boat. It will then retreat to the water bottom, whereupon you begin a game of tug-of-war using the line. This will take a while, but eventually the gator will be tired enough to bring it in close. At that point you apply a bangstick -- a single-shot firearm that requires physical contact with the target, also used with sharks -- to a point behind the alligator's eyes. Once you've shot the gator, you still duct-tape the jaws shut on the offchance its little reptilian brain didn't get the memo about being dead.

This information came from online research into how to hunt an alligator. None of this research occurred prior to us actually attempting to do so.

We'd dumbed down our gear to around level 30, both to add to the challenge and to not wear out what we can't repair or replace. It greatly reduced our stats, but we hoped it would help keep a single swipe of a sword/knife/lance/axe/staff/mace/book/fist from killing both the gator and the mood.

We took a chance on riding our Falcons down fire roads to get to the deep stream where gators were supposed to be. The Falcon isn't street-legal without plates, but back in the woods it could be mistaken for a weird ATV. As long as we didn't take to the air in them.

We ran out of road a bit before the stream. We switched to Paladin and walked on in. We thought we'd see the gator before we had to deal with it, but Oklahoma has plenty of snakes, so walking in armored boots seemed like a good idea.

Firsthand experience hunting gators was extremely educational. We learned, for example, that bow hunting does not work the same way with alligators as it does with deer, goats, or many other land animals.

It wasn't a matter of targeting. Eorzean Archer skills come with targeting, and with our gear our dexterity is very high.

It wasn't a matter of penetration. An Eorzean arrow, shot from an Eorzean bow by an Eorzean with enough experience, can penetrate steel.

It was a matter of the arrow not actually stopping the alligator, or even slowing it down in the middle of a charge. If we'd managed to nail the gator to something, like the ground or a tree or whatever, the arrow might have helped, but as it was Tsu'na put an arrow in a gator's side and the damn thing just kept coming at me. I'm sure it hurt the gator, and I assume caused it pain, but it was rather single-mindedly fixed on me by that point.

We'd taken the tank-and-spank approach, with me as Paladin Provoking the gator and drawing it to me while Tsu'na did ranged damage. I'd heard that gators can charge on land in a straight line, but hearing it wasn't the same as seeing the thing go from lazy slitherer to approaching torpedo.

My shield and I were strong enough to keep it at bay. Tsu'na shot another arrow, which came close to distracting it but still left it with a lot of fight. She walked a bit closer, studying the creature. It saw her and started to turn, but I swatted it in the nose with my shield to keep it on me.

"What should I hit to kill it?"

Clang. "Dunno...maybe the heart?"

"Where is the heart?"

Clang. Scrabble. "Dunno! Try chopping off its head!"

"Where does the head end?"

Clang. Roar. "Dunno!"

I'd also seen in some TV shows (though not nature documentaries) that an alligator is capable of rearing up on its back legs to get above its prey. It can't really walk or run that way; it's more along the lines of a pounce. Still unsettling for it to go from something after my knees to something above my shield. I bashed and deflected it and took a step back.

"Don't mean to rush you, my love!"

The gator's throaty snarling didn't quite cover up the sound of Tsu'na's giggle. I kept my focus on keeping the gator's focus on me. Tsu'na apparently got over her amusement enough to change to Warrior, as her battleaxe came down behind the gator's eyes. The gator's body convulsed; its jaw snapped once and then went slack.

I mean, it's not like I haven't fought bigger things in the past. I used to farm dragons in Coerthas ferchrissake. But we've been out of Eorzea for a month, and toward the end of our time there (or the time there that we remember) we'd gotten to the point that we didn't fight beasts every day. And things there had a certain predictability to them. An Earth alligator does too, but it also has a dynamism that Eorzea critters don't.

Plus, as I said, we'd gone with lower-level gear. Sure, I'm still a level 80 Paladin, but I had level 30 gear, and that might've been a level 30 alligator.

So I had no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed at having to struggle with that gator. But that wasn't what I felt at the time. I'm a man. I can admit these things.

Tsu'na rested a hand on my shoulder. "You were right. This is fun."

"Glad you think so. You can tank the next one."

She smiled and shifted to Paladin. As the gator's body faded she pulled something from her inventory. "What does one do with gator teeth?"

"Goldsmithing, Jewelry and keychains and stuff."

"Like fangs. But if hunting gators is not legal, can we have gator teeth?"

"Yeah, you can buy them online and make stuff from them. There's probably necklaces in the local gift shops made by people who've never seen a gator."

"Yet we have seen a gator."

"Yep. We're authentic." I thought about how effective Tsu'na's arrows had been, and shifted to Dragoon, readying my lance.

More postmortem research trivia: the bigger alligators tend to be solitary. There are nests or groups of smaller gators, but when one gets up around the size of the one we fought it's generally all by its lonesome. Which means there wasn't another gator handy, so we waited for the respawn.

The lance was more immediately effective. Enough arrows probably would have done the job, but a single lance thrust was enough to cripple the gator and slow it down. It never reared on Tsu'na; I was able to finish it off with three good thrusts before it had a chance. I of course wasn't at all tempted to hold back and share that experience with her.

We abandoned tank-and-spank in favor of double-teaming classes. This meant one of us was provided with a nice big flank to strike while the other had its attention, causing the gator to switch back and forth between us. This worked well with Warrior axes, Dragoon lances, Paladin swords and even Monk fists. Samurai katanas worked, but with the angle and the thick hide it felt like we were delivering the Death of a Thousand Cuts.

The day was starting to wear into evening when we decided to try Ninja. We had our daggers ready, but thought we heard someone coming through the underbrush, so we Stealthed and waited.

A man slowly emerged from the vegetation, carrying a shotgun with a flashlight mounted on it, pointed at the ground in front of him. It was hard to tell in the reduced light with the flashlight in the foreground, but he appeared to be wearing khaki clothing and a ball cap. I thought I saw a reflective flash on his chest...probably law enforcement.

He stalked into the area we'd been hunting in and swept the beam around. Our kills don't leave remains or blood, but anyone reasonably outdoors-savvy could tell from the ground that there had been activity there. He approached the water, shined his light out over the surface, then turned away from the water and swept the area again.

That, of course, was when the gator respawned.

It must have been surprised to "wake up" to an easy meal being right in front of it. It shifted around for the right angle, then reared up with a croak behind the man. The man looked over his shoulder at it but didn't have time to turn before the gator would come down on him. Or before Tsu'na dashed across and tackled him to the ground.

The gator came down where the officer had been. I switched to Dragoon and swatted the gator across the face with my lance handle. I could probably have stabbed the gator through the head, but, after all, hunting alligators isn't legal in Oklahoma and therefore not advised in the presence of an officer of the law. So I kept it at bay with my lance point, trying not to injure it.

Tsu'na got up, switched to Dragoon, and joined me in goading the gator away from the officer and back toward the water. Its meal having become far less easy, the gator was willing to retreat from us and swim away.

We turned back to the officer. We stared at each other a moment before he scrambled for his shotgun, snatched it up and swept us with the flashlight beam. "Where the hell did you come from?"

"We were just passing by. We were hoping to see a gator. Uh...would you mind not pointing that at us?"

The shotgun slowly lowered to point at the ground in front of us. He detached the flashlight with one hand and raised it to our faces. "This here's national park land. You can't hunt gators out here."

"Sorry, Officer, we..."

"Game warden."

"...Warden, right. We're not hunting. We just came to see them."

"With spears."

"We heard they were dangerous. Seemed like a good idea."

"What's that you're wearing?"

"Leather armor. We heard they're very dangerous."

The light moved back and forth between us. "Y'all from around here?"

"No, sir. Ecotourists. We're staying at the Elkwallow."

"And you go around eco-touring toting that stuff around?"

"We make it for renfests. Seemed like a good idea for not getting bitten by anything."

From what we'd been able to see, he was wearing heavy leather boots, so he should have appreciated caution. Or, for that matter, getting his life saved. But there we were.

"Let's see some ID."

"Sorry, we don't have any."

"No ID."

"No, sir."

"You're on federal land with weapons looking for alligators and you don't have ID."

"Yes, sir."

"You just happen to be in an area where someone reported hearing sounds like gators fighting something, and you've got weapons and no ID."

"And we just happened to be where we could keep you from getting eaten by a gator. Yes, sir."

That gave him pause. If we were up to no good, it would probably have been easier to let the gator get him.

"You're welcome, by the way."

"...You're not hunting."

"No, sir."

"Seen anyone who is hunting?"

"Just you."

"I'm not hunting!"

"Well, we didn't know that. We were moving upstream, trying not to disturb the wildlife, when we see you prowling around with a gun. We didn't know what to make of you, so we stayed out of sight until the gator reared up."

The warden thought about this, and sighed. "Okay. Guess we got us a misunderstanding. Well, you've seen a gator and it's getting dark. How 'bout I walk you out to your car?"

"But we didn't get any pictures!"

He gave me a pointed look.

"...Okay, yeah, it's getting dark. Guess we're not getting pictures this time, my love."

Tsu'na pouted.

The warden gestured with the flashlight back up the trail. "So where'd you park?"

"We don't drive. We left our bikes out by the road."

Tsu'na got flashlights out of inventory and gave me one. The three of us picked our way along a darkening trail until we reached the warden's truck. I made a point of beating around in the underbrush, "looking" for the bikes, keeping the warden's attention, while Tsu'na got the bikes out of her inventory. "Over here, Husband."

"Oh, good. Thanks, Warden, we can take it from here."

"Why don't you put 'em in the truck and I'll give you a ride? Wouldn't want you folks getting lost."

Tsu'na and I exchanged glances and I mustered a smile. "Mighty kind of you. Just let me get changed first, okay?"

I ducked behind a large shrub, switched to my Earth normal, pulled out my camping kit and extracted our tent, all rolled up and in its bag. I gave the bag a shake to rattle the poles, then came back around and handed the bag to Tsu'na. "Your turn."

She took the bag and went behind the shrub. The warden looked me over. "Where's your spear?"

"It's in the bag. We make 'em collapsible, otherwise it's hell riding a bike."

Tsu'na made her own rattle and emerged in her overcoat and beret. We stowed the bikes and piled into the truck. As we headed up the road, he asked, "What kinda leather's that? Looks pretty smooth."

"Deer hide."

"You're an ecotourist that's okay with someone shooting Bambi?"

"Where we come from, there's way too many Bambis because people messed up the balance by wiping out all the predators. It's all about balance. We're all part of Nature, and Nature can give to us if we don't take too egregiously."

"Egregiously."

"Yeah. It's why we don't drive and support mass transit. Everybody owning cars is just taking from Nature, sucking up the Earth's blood and dirtying the air..."

It was so easy to go on. I threw environmental babble at him, mixed with Gaia mysticism, native american Great Spirit talk and renfest-grade Spirit of the Forest stuff. Tsu'na looked out the window, maybe wishing she could plug her ears.

If the warden had thought about taking us to the warden station, or whatever it's called, he must have decided the fastest way to get rid of me was to return us to our habitat. He pulled up in front of the Elkwallow Lodge and helped us unload our bicycles.

"Thanks, Warden. It was great meeting you, and helping you not get eaten and all."

The warden nodded at me and looked to Tsu'na. "You don't talk much, do you?"

She glanced at me before answering with a smile. "Do I truly need to?"

He snorted and walked off toward the lodge, perhaps to check on Saul and Tammy with the manager. We stood there, contemplating the building, an arm around each other.

Tsu'na nuzzled my shoulder. "I thought we were going to Return after hunting...?"

"Yeah, that was the plan...One more night? One more hot bath?"

"One more clean-sheeted bed?"

"You'll have to buy your own pork rinds after this."

"That is fair."