Leon had Serious Reservations about continuing our arrangement after the accident, even though Tsu'na was demonstrably okay, if bundled up in her overcoat. I assured him it was all due to poor planning, that we hadn't anticipated a lack of air circulation in such an open environment would lead to a buildup of fumes, that it was all Sound and Fury Signifying Nothing, like a flashbang, and that we were taking Every Precaution to ensure that that sort of thing Doesn't Happen Again.

Not like any of that's in writing. Except of course here.

I'd set up a Google Voice number and exchanged it for his (before I found out we can afford phones), so we can talk about it later, after we make some new crafter clothes and give the process some thought.

The headpiece for the gear level uses aldgoat leather, but I have not observed any Eorzean aldgoats in this world or anything similar. The aldgoats in Eastern Thanalan were massive things, the size of horses but much beefier. You came away from hunting one knowing you were in a fight. The "feral goats" we found in a hunting preserve south of Tulsa were, well, wimpy; the website had talked about spear hunting, so maybe pudgy weekend warriors got something out of it, but for us it was almost embarrassing. I was happy we were doing it at night.

After three nights in the tent and one night "hunting", we were both glad to get back to a bed. I gave Tsu'na a backrub and she was asleep before I got past her shoulderblades. I gotta remember to blow something up so she'll give me a massage.

We woke, we rewrote recipes, we made clothes (and goat steak), and we got ready for our relatively normal life of policing local drunks in a dive bar. Friday night was my shift, so last night Tsu'na was on deck. As she settled in I asked Sam about internet.

"Well, yeah, we got the hookup. Never did anything with it...was gonna show sports on a TV and, you know, never got the TV. Now it's just for the credit card reader."

"People here use credit cards?"

"...Not the point."

"So you mind if we plug in a wifi router?"

"Not payin' for that."

"Nah, it's on us."

"Since when you got money?"

I smiled. "Tsu'na's been prizefighting."

"No shit! Where at?"

"She says it moves around."

"Oh, one o' those. Well, let me know where some time. Kinda wanna see that."

"Sure. And the wifi?"

"Yeah, whatever. Maybe we'll get them investment banker guys outta Tulsa to start hangin' out."

"Yeah, the Pit's gonna be the real happening place in these parts." We laughed and I headed to the bathroom.

Things always seem to happen when I'm in the bathroom. This time I came out to find Dewey Brower making an appearance at The Pit, and this time Alpha Douche had a gun. I don't know what happened that triggered him pulling it out, but he was yelling at someone at a pool table.

Tsu'na was already in motion. Everyone was watching the incident, so no one saw her shift to Paladin. She was simply suddenly there in between Dewey and his antagonist, all in armor, shield up, sword out and facing Dewey down.

"You need to leave now."

Dewey snorted and pointed his gun at her. "The fuck are you supposed to be? Get outta the way before..."

Tsu'na charged and shield-bashed him. He flew backwards a few feet and slammed into a wall. He managed to keep his feet and his gun in his hand, which he raised at Tsu'na. A bullet pinged off her shield, another on her shoulder plate.

She moved in, shield forward, sword raising for a swing...

...And stopped when I put the barrel of my Machinist gun to Dewey's head. I quietly said, "You really need to drop that gun."

Dewey turned his head slightly to look at me. He gave a nervous laugh. This world doesn't really take swords seriously, but everyone speaks gun. "Okay...okay...I'm putting it away, see?"

I kept looking at him as I trained my gun on a nearby flimsy table and blew a huge hole in its top. Then I returned the gun to Dewey's head. "Drop it!"

He dropped it.

"On the floor!"

He got on the floor. I muscled him onto his face and pulled a bundle of zipties out of inventory.

Tsu'na looked on with interest as I secured Dewey's wrists and ankles. "Is this why you bought those? I had wondered."

"Just thought they'd be handy. Guess they are."

I stood up and called out to Sam, who had his shotgun out. "Calling the Sheriff?" He nodded and got out his phone.

Tsu'na stepped up to me and looked at me reproachfully. "I had that handled, Husband."

"He shot at you."

"Yes. That is why I have armor."

"That's not the point! No one shoots at my wife!"

She gave me a fond indulge-the-puppy smile and patted my cheek with a gauntleted hand. "Clean up the table, Husband."

"...Yes, my love. And perhaps you want to go in the back and change before the Sheriff gets here." Because Earth people don't change gearsets like we do.

I turned to the guys at the pool table. "Wow, that was something, wasn't it? My wife was magnificent, the way she made like a linebacker and charged into Dewey like that. Glad I got his gun away before he hurt anyone. Dunno what kind of drugs he's on to come in and start shooting up the place...he'll probably be saying some crazy shit..."

The guy who'd been arguing with Dewey just looked at me. "Dunno what yer talkin' about. When Dewey got his gun out we all duck-'n-covered. Didn't see a damn thing."

"...Oh."

"Prob'ly right about the drugs, though."

Another man clapped me on the shoulder. "S'okay, dude. We got this. Go take care o' Miz Tsu'na."

"...Yeah, okay, thanks." I turned to the ruined table, gathered up the pieces and took them out through the back to the shed. When I got back, Tsu'na was at the bar with a Coke. I joined her, and Sam plunked down a cider for me.

"It's funny," I said to her, "people keep telling me to take care of you. Like that's all I'm good for."

Sam grinned. "You make a mighty fine shed, son."

"And tables!"

"Yep, pretty good tables. An' you owe me another one now. But your wife..." He smiled at Tsu'na. "Think you just became a legend here, savin' Clyde like that."

"It was not a problem."

"You got in front of a guy with a gun like it was nuthin'!"

"It was not a problem."

"Seriously," I added, "out on deployment we sometimes had to deal with tanks and shit. Anything smaller than a cabin is like a day at the office for us."

He stared at me, then turned to Tsu'na, who confirmed. "Tanks and shit."

"...Okay, fine, y'all are super-tough super-soldiers. But no one else around here is. Y'ain't gonna see a deputy gettin' in front of a gun like that."

"Perhaps the deputy needs better armor."

"I don't think the town can afford that, my love."

"We can make them armor."

"They wouldn't know how to use it." I glanced at Sam. "I suppose we're being weird."

"Kinda. Thought you were kiddin' 'bout the sword."

"Quiet, reusable, easy to maintain, doesn't need ammo."

"Uh-huh. An' what kinda gun was that you had?"

An Edenmorn Pistol, acquired from Mord Souq in Amh Araeng after rather a lot of instance farming. It looks a little like a handheld M16. "Classified."

"Where're you keepin' it?"

"Handy."

"Y'ever gonna answer my questions?"

"Well, I could, but...you know."

A couple deputies arrived at the scene. One muscled Dewey out the door as he raved about swords and hand cannons. The other talked to the pool table people who had used Dewey as a footrest whilst waiting for law enforcement to arrive.

Sam sighed softly. "Frank."

We glanced at the deputy. The pool guys were being a patient sort of polite with him. "Is he a problem?"

"Nah, he's okay...he's just a bit of a..."

"Prat? Dweeb? Goober?"

"Was gonna say stuck-up asshole, but sure."

Deputy Frank wasn't looking terribly satisfied with the answers he was getting. One of the guys pointed our way and the deputy headed to the bar. He looked us over. "So you're the bouncers?"

"Yep. I'm Steve and this is Tsu'na."

"You're the pretzel and pie people too, right?"

"That's us."

He got out a notebook. "Last name?"

"Hyurcat."

"Can I see some ID?"

"Sorry, we don't have any."

He stared at me. "No ID?"

"We don't drive."

"How can you work in a bar if you don't have ID?"

"We work for drinks."

Deputy Frank looked at Sam, who shrugged and nodded. "I don't pay 'em cash."

"Yeah, we just really like hanging out here."

Tsu'na added, "The people are nice."

"When they're not waving guns."

The deputy narrowed his eyes at me. "But you work at the diner too."

"Yeah, we clean up there in the evenings and they let us eat for free."

Tsu'na added, "The children are nice."

"And they don't wave guns."

He eyed us a moment longer before looking down at his notebook. "So why don't you tell me what happened."

This guy watches cop shows. Maybe he should spend more time at a local dive bar. "Well, we don't know what started it..." I glanced at Tsu'na, who shook her head. "All we know is, suddenly Dewey's yelling at people with a gun out. So Tsu'na came up around his left side and I came up on his right. She got a shoulder in his ribs and I got his wrist. He got off a couple shots before I could get the gun away from him."

"What about your gun?"

"What gun?"

"The suspect said you had a gun."

I shrugged and held out my hands. "Dunno what to tell you. Not carrying a gun."

"What about a sword?"

"Sword? What, you mean like a claymore or something, like in the movies?"

"Perhaps he means a katana, Husband."

"Or an épée. Did you mean an épée?"

Deputy Frank was looking grim. "The suspect mentioned you had a sword and shield."

"Yeah, sounds like that would be a claymore. No, we don't have anything like that."

He looked up at Sam. "Do you have security cameras in here?"

"Does it look like I can afford security cameras?"

The deputy looked at me. He looked at Tsu'na. He looked at his notebook. "Thank you for your cooperation. I may have more questions later."

I smiled. "You know where to find us."

We watched him leave. I turned back to Sam. "You sure he won't be a problem?"

"Not as sure as I was. You two keep yer noses clean for a while, 'kay?"

"Squeaky. Though...does everyone think of him the same way you do?"

"Pretty much. No one here's gonna talk to him about you, that's fer sure."

"Hm. How about Dewey?"

"If they ever did like him, they like him a whole lot less now."

"So...no one will back up Dewey because they don't like him, and no one will talk to Frank because they don't like him either?"

"Heh, yeah, pretty much."

"Husband."

"Yes, my love?"

"Does that not mean they have something in common?"

Sam and I stopped smiling. We looked at each other.

"Shit."