A few weeks later

Rune's POV

I decided today I would go back to Phoenix's grave.

My foot has completely healed since the breakage during the incident and I want to make sure nothing has happened to his body.

I still miss Phoenix every single day, and I wish he was here with me, but I know he would want me to keep going with my life.

Unfortunately, that's extremely difficult.

Phoenix was my life.

Sighing, I pack a couple things into my backpack and put on my boots before walking out of my house and making my way back to where Phoenix lays to rest.

***

Walking towards the cliff where everything went wrong isn't exactly the most emotionally stabilising thing in the world.

Yet, here I am, walking towards the cliff, where everything went wrong.

Does that make me a problem person?

I suppose it would.

Since I'm emotionally unstable (thank you doctor for educating me on something I already knew, since it was extremely obvious and google is a thing) and I'm going to the place that caused my emotional instability.

Oh yeah, I'd definitely say I'm a problem person.

I'm literally walking to the one place that gives me flashbacks and memories of certain aspects of an extremely unhappy time in my life.

Though, 'unhappy' is putting it lightly.

What happened on that mountain broke me into billions of pieces. I'm going to need more than superglue to stick those all back together.

On a serious note though, no more sarcastic attempts at trying to make myself feel better, I'm terrified of seeing Phoenix's grave. Seeing it again will just make things seem so much more real.

I don't want them to be real, I don't want him to be gone, I don't want to remember what happened that day.

Tears prickle in my eyes.

Even just thinking about the fact my Nix is no longer with me, makes me want to curl up and burst out into ugly sobs.

Unfortunately, that's nothing new to me as I have been doing that almost everyday since the incident. Curled up in my bed, muffling my sobs with my hands or blanket or pillow.

I've even taken to praying.

How pathetic, right?

There's no such thing as God, and even if there was, why would he do anything for me? I'm not a catholic or Christian or a God believer or anything.

I'm desperate, I suppose that's all that could be used to describe and call it. Desperate to have my greatest best friend back. I miss him like crazy.

We've never been apart for more than a week since we met in prep, at age 5. It's so weird not having him with me for these couple months.

It's lonely. So, so lonely, and miserable.

Nix has always been by my side since we became friends, and those couple times he couldn't physically be with me, I could still FaceTime or Skype him.

Now, I can't even say anything to his face. Oh how I wish I could have at least said a proper goodbye.

The last thing we did was scream at each other, we never got a proper goodbye.

No forehead kisses or multiple hugs because neither of us wanted to leave the other, nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I hate it.

I wish I could have said a proper goodbye to my greatest best friend in the whole wide world.

I'm so pissed I can't.

Dreams can only do so much, but in the end that's all they are.

Memories and scenarios made up in my subconscious to deal with the trauma and accept the loss of Phoenix.

They're not real, no matter how much I wish they were. I know the dreams aren't real. Hell, most of them are just memories of the things Phoenix and I have done.

Except for that one dream, where we ate dinner together and there was so many beautiful colourful glowing flowers and how the fireflies changed colour, that was something I've never dreamt of before, or even knew could be a thing.

It felt so realistic too, but that's completely and utterly impossible.

1) there's no such thing as God and magic.
2) Phoenix is dead, I should know, I held his lifeless body for hours.
3) it was a dream, I know because I was sleeping and when I woke up, I was still in my bed.
4) things like that just don't happen.
5) trauma does crazy things to a person's mind.

It was nice to pretend the dream was real while it was happening. It was nice to forget about the world and what happened. It was nice to see Phoenix again, to hear and touch him again.

When I woke up, my heart physically ached and I sobbed so much and so hard in the shower, my throat was raw and painful.

"I think I'm starting to regret ever deciding to come back here." I think to myself as the cliff comes into view, along with the pieces that fell all that time ago.

My heart drops as I get higher on the mountain, since the only ways to get to where Phoenix's grave lays is to climb the mountain and then climb down on the other side, or swim through a freezing cold creek, filled with all sorts of nasties.

I think I've developed a slight fear of heights.

Could that also be caused from trauma?

Maybe I should ask my doctor next time I see him, he seems very knowledgeable on the facts about me.

Perv.

My heart skips a beat and my anxiety levels fly through the roof as my foot slips on a loose rock and I go flying down the side of the mountain, in the opposite direction I was traveling in.

A high pitched, overly girly shriek escapes my lips as I tumble down the wrong side of the mountain.

Once finished tumbling down the wrong side of the mountain, I lay where I've landed, panting and in pain. I must have landed on multiple sharp rocks.

My hands are all bloodied and cut, there's a cut on my forehead and blood keeps dripping into my eye, there's a cut on my lip, my clothes are torn and ripped in places and I think a couple of my ribs are severely injured.

Though, nothing that just occured to me could even be slightly compared to the pain Phoenix must have felt.

With that thought in mind, I shakily haul myself to my feet and restart my trek up the mountain and towards my Nix's grave.

***

Hours passed by before I arrived at Phoenix's grave.

Dreading my decision, I slowly make my way towards the grass covered tree that protectively hung over Phoenix's grave which was surrounded by beautiful flowers.

(A/N: I couldn't find a non shutterstock picture of this, so you'll just have to deal with the way it is xD)

I fall to my knees upon arriving, tears rush down my cheeks.

"Nix.." I whisper.

I crawl over to his grave and tears waterfall down my face upon arriving closer.

The flowers I covered his grave in were all gone..

And so was his body.