When will it pass? I always ask that. When will Winter pass,I miss Summer? Whan will night oass? I wanna see morning's sun. Whan will I go away from here. Just this needs topass so I will be calm. But I won't.
It is still haunting me. This feeling of emptiness and missing something,even I don't know what. This feeling of haunting guilt. That feeling in the morning whn I mockingly smile at my face in the mirror. Sometimes reflection really doesn't look like me. Like in books and stories. Funny. Not at all. Whan you can't count days like that it is not funny anymore.
It is not frustating. I get used. It is just somehow heavy and I need more air in some moments. In other I just hold my breath with my tears in hope I'll pass out and forget even for a moment.
I don't need to go away anymore. Four walls and silence are what I like lately. That I can find anywhere.
Winter has passed three monts ago. It didn't change.
It is interesting how you get that thrilling feeling in your stomach that it is finally over and taht you are free. But then you hear a song or see something and all the ghousts come back. And you keep your tears for yourself because we are all struggling with something. I don't want to bother someone. So I write here. Almost noone reads so it is okay.
After some time I forgot why  I'm crying actually. Why the air is heavy and my lungs are stuffed somehow.
It is the pressure. The stress. It will pass.
I don't believe in that anymore.
Two years it hasn't passed. It is here from a long tiem ago. It just decidet to ceome out fully just recently.
Even I don't know whan it startet exactly but it feels familiar for a long time. And it won't go so easily.

It will continue to haunt me and wirh time I'll get used to that too. And one day, maybe, I won't consider it something bothering,painful and dangerous.

I guess I'll wait that to pass too...