It was a Wednesday morning. Peej hadn't replied to my messages from the previous night but he had a Tinder hookup so that was probably why. I didn't bother waiting for him like usual since I knew he wouldn't be in school until at least the afternoon; if he bothered coming in at all. That was just PJ. I couldn't tell you what this new guy was called. I used to remember them all but when it became clear that he didn't commit, I stopped caring who he was going with. Still, sometimes I felt a pang in my chest when he mentioned the next date he was going on. It was a kind of jealousy that I couldn't put into words. It was painful and gut-wrenching but I knew I couldn't do anything about it. I wondered why he would hook up with random guys but he wouldn't do anything beyond platonic with me. No, that was a lie. We had kissed before but he probably didn't even remember it. It was sloppy and rough but it was PJ so it didn't matter. I had been lost in that unbelievable moment and I wouldn't have changed a thing...except maybe that it wouldn't have ended. Why did it have to end? I wanted to live in that moment forever. Stay in that Nirvana, content with all life had to give me.

I was in second period when my phone pinged. I didn't even bother to look up at the teacher as I checked it. Mr Golden boy here wouldn't be getting into trouble anytime soon, I had a lot of friends who would stop me from getting caught so it had never been an issue.
PJ: sent a picture
I tapped on the messenger icon and there it was. In portrait right before my eyes was a selfie. PJ was resting on the bed, one tanned arm slung over his head so I could see a little of his underarm hair. His flat tummy was only just covered by his duvet. But that wasn't what I was looking at. There, on his chest, rested a boy with blonde swoopy hair. He too had a bare chest on show as he slept. My stomach dropped when I saw it. Saw him. The boy with no name was in the spot I so wished to be in. Wrapped in those arms. Touching his bare skin.
"Nice one," I forced myself to type.
No ironic emoji's this time. That would've taken too much effort and I was already squeezing my phone so tightly in my hand I was afraid I was going to break it. I hit send and slowly sighed as I slipped it into my pocket. It pinged again but I ignored it this time. I really was trying to be a good friend and be supportive of what he was doing but it was rough. Some days were worse than others and that was today.  

"Heyy, Danny."
The lesson had ended and I could smell Chloe's perfume before I saw her. 
"'Sup," I replied casually. 
"There's a party this Saturday and you're invited," she told me as she leant down so I could see the top of her chest peeking out from her top. I looked up so I wouldn't just be staring at her bra. Her eyes were a nice colour, a light shade of blue.  
"I'll be there," I said in my smoothest voice that made all the girls swoon. If only it had the same effect on guys. 
"I hope so," she said and gently touched my hand where it lay before pulling back and joining her friends. 
At least I could take PJ to the party and this other guy will be just a distant memory by then. That's what I was hoping for. That's what usually happened. I made myself promise that I wouldn't bring up the guy when I next saw PJ but I didn't need to because I didn't see him all day. He'd skipped the entire day. I wondered if he'd done a round two with the guy or if he'd just gone to sleep or something. He hadn't messaged me so I was hoping he'd just fallen asleep. I didn't want to think about the former. I didn't think I was the jealous type until PJ went on his first Tinder date and the feeling hadn't quite left me since that day. It might leave for a short burst of time but it always came back. The only way to quieten it down was to not think about Peej doing anything with the guys he's with. Block it out. Which is easy... until he tells me about them in unbelievable detail. 

I hated being left by myself but that's where I often found myself when I got home. My parents were never in and when Peej wasn't around or I wasn't drinking myself sick at a party, I was alone in my room just thinking. Today I was thinking about PJ. That's where my thoughts often go. It doesn't help I have a checklist from him pinned up on my wall. I should probably tell you about that. When PJ found out what I was doing to myself and how I felt he gave me a piece of paper. I remember how he softly pressed it into my hand and smiled at me before he got into his brother's car. He'd tapped me on the shoulder, a quick squeeze, then he'd gone. I rushed right back up to my room and read the piece of paper. 
"Reasons why you should love yourself" was the title and he'd written down a bunch of reasons on the now slightly crumpled paper. Whenever my mind was racing I'd sit and read the list. It managed to calm me down although it also simultaneously made me fall for PJ more. 

My phone pinged whilst I was reading the list and I quickly scooped it up
PJ: Dannnn
Me: PJJJJJJ
PJ: Chris makes me so happy. He's adorable, right?
Chris. The guy had a name - Chris. 
PJ: I think I want to date date him not just hook up???
I sighed and pressed my phone against my forehead. I looked up through eyes that were beginning to blur and saw the paper on the wall. I reached out and let my fingers drop to number ten on the list: You make people happy. You make me happy! 
A reason Peej loved me was because I made him happy but now someone else was doing that for him. Soon he wouldn't need me at all. Not that many people did. I clenched my fist around the top of the paper and pulled down. I heard the rip. Sharp. A jagged rip that tore the paper completely in half. I didn't deserve these reasons to be loved. I didn't deserve any kind of love. The two pieces of paper clung to my wall by the pins, each pointed in opposite directions. I needed to feel something other than this churning emotion inside my stomach and I knew what would help. My old habits. I wasn't going to starve myself, that'd just add to the pain and would take too long. No. I was going to go for a run. Tire myself out so I can actually get some sleep. Sometimes I need to do that. My brain is always so wired up and racing with thoughts that the only way I can sleep is with numbed muscles and out of breath lungs.

When I first started exercising I couldn't run for more than ten seconds before my lungs started to ache and I had to rest. Now, I can run for ten minutes. The pain is less but it's stilll there, a burning sensation in my legs and lungs. I can ignore it more now. I can use the pain to will me forward. If I'm hurting then it's working. That's the motto that got me through the emotional and physical pain of my eating disorder. If your stomach feels like it's eating itself then it probably is and that's good. At least I thought it was. I'm not so sure what I think anymore.
I stop running after one block but not because I was getting tired, far from it actually. I saw some people from my school that I wouldn't call friends but they hang with my group so I knew them. Then again, I knew almost everyone at the school. They were crowding a boy, I couldn't really see his face but he seemed like your typical Emo kid - dyed black hair, pale face, black nail varnish on. The common target for the gang who were surrounding him. 
"'Sup guys," I said but I didn't smile. 
The group dispersed a little and looked up at me. 
"Yo Howell, how's it hangin'?" One said; a boy called Sam. I didn't know much about him except he smoked twenty a day and often did so when he was supposed to be in lesson. 
"Good, man. What's happening here?"
"This fag looked at me," he spat and grabbed the boys shoulders tightly, making him whimper. 
"Probably recognised you from the pictures in your mother's room last night," I said and smirked a little. Anything to get him to back off. I could take a punch but I didn't think the boy could. 
"Dude! Not cool," Sam outburst and clenched his fist whilst the others chuckled behind him. "Don't be such a dick." 
"Well you're ruining my run right now so can you piss off and take your friends with you?" I asked and cocked my head to one side. 
"Who do you thin-" 
"C'mon, we can get the Emo another time," one of his friends said and began pulling Sam away. 
Sam knocked his hands away from him but followed him up the street and away from me. I walked over to the boy but he was still hiding his face. 

"You okay?" I asked and put my hand on his shoulder, giving it a little squeeze. He tensed up so I dropped my hand. He nodded but still didn't look up. "Want me to walk you home?" 
"No," he said. His voice was quiet, I only just heard it, but it was very soft and sweet.  
"You going to be okay on your own?" I asked, feeling a little worried about the boy. 
"I'm fine," he said and continued to look at the ground. 
"Take care of yourself."
"Thank you," he whispered and I continued my run. 

AN: 
Hey everyone!! It's been such a long time but I'm settling in well at Uni and I'm loving it :) I'm finally in the swing of things so I'm going to try and write more from here on out. I hope you're excited for how this story is going to come along because I sure am! 
- Ray x