Trigger warning: Purging 

"Dan! Daniel James Howell, you better open this door right now or I will knock it down!"
I could just about hear PJ's voice followed by his body ramming into the bathroom door. The tap was blasting water into the sink at full speed. I could smell sick, a scent I had gotten used to these past few months. Or had it been longer now? I couldn't remember the day this all started; the day when Daniel Howell, the most popular boy in school, started purging. 

I don't know what triggered the event. I'd always been made out to be the best; the perfect boy in school who everyone had fallen head over heels for. Everyone except the one boy I loved the most. Love wasn't what triggered my purging that day. My love for PJ didn't equate to me sticking my fingers so far down my throat that I was afraid I would throw up my heart altogether. It was something else. You see, I'd always been made out to be perfect but what if I wasn't perfect? What if I wasn't the golden boy everyone had dreamed me up to be? One day I knew they'd realise and my life would come spiralling down around me as everyone who once admired me saw me for who I really was - a fake. Maybe I wanted to make myself perfect and the stinging in my throat and the emptiness of my stomach was the way for me to get that. That feeling of vomit travelling from your stomach back up to your throat, the undigested food hitting the toilet water, was a feeling like no other. It was an accomplishment to see how little food I could survive on. Whenever I put my hand against my stomach and could feel each and every rib I felt pride, not just bone. The less food I ate, the more bones I could see pressed up against my skin and the more perfect I became. At least, that's what I thought.

I never thought my strive to perfection would go this far. It started off as a fad diet at first. My mum had diet pills and she was always jumping from one diet to the next - the military diet, paleo, you name it she's done it. I decided to go on a diet with her. I'd watched her since I was younger. I'd seen her best days where she'd lost weight and I'd seen her on her worst where she would binge and cry about life. I'd grown up with her fasting and calorie counting so it was second nature for me. I understood why she was emotional and exhausted all the time. Not eating or eating very little takes a huge toll on your body. Your stomach starts eating itself, you can't focus, all your thoughts are about food and when your next meal will be. I tried not to eat much because I knew once I started eating I wouldn't stop and then I'd be purging all over again to get rid of the extra calories.

That's what had happened that day when I was kneeling on the bathroom floor smelling of puke as PJ called out my name over and over. I wiped my mouth and turned the tap off. I opened the door ready to be yelled at more but I had to get the food out of me. I couldn't stop myself. PJ had ordered take out which is loaded and I was already close to my 600 cal max limit that day. This surprise 'treat' had thrown me over the edge. But PJ wasn't yelling at me. He looked at me, his hair was sticking to his sweaty forehead and his eyes were twinkling as light hit where his tears were forming. I tried to swallow but that stinging feeling like nettles would not be budged from my throat. The weed had already settled into me and it had taken over. 
"I-I'll go," I whispered hoarsely and knocked past PJ. 
"Don't," he replied and grabbed my hand. He pulled me back to him and wrapped me up in his arms. I had been hoping for this moment for years but, now it was here, I wanted him to let go.
I was disgusting. He shouldn't be holding someone as pathetic as me so gently. I didn't say anything. I wanted to say a lot of things but the nettles were holding onto my words tightly and killing them before they reached my mouth. 
"I'm sorry, Dan," PJ whispered against my hair and kissed the top of my head. "I should've noticed... I should've."
"PJ," I managed to get out and pulled back from him, he gripped my arms so I couldn't get too far away. The touch was soft but there. Definitely there. "It's not your fault, I did this."
"I should've helped you."
"You couldn't have done anything," I whispered
"I will."
"No." I shook my head and kept my eyes on the carpeted floor in PJs upstairs hallway.
"Dan... why?"
"Because... no reason, okay? I just feel like I need to do this. I like me better this way."
"You're miserable. I may not have noticed… this," he paused and looked at me wearily before continuing, "but you do seem sadder."
"I'm not."
"Let me help you. I'm here for you, you deserve so much. You deserve to eat and enjoy food like you used to. Remember that pizza party?"
"How could I forget," I tried to laugh but it got caught in my throat. I cleared my throat. "You bought enough food to feed the whole city."
"And we ate it all and laughed even though it hurt with our full stomachs."
"That was good," I agreed.
"I want that Dan here, where's pizza party Dan?"
"I don't know."
"He's still there." PJ bopped my nose and smiled sadly. "I'll help you find him again."

3 months have passed since that day. PJ did try to help me from that day on. More importantly, I tried to help myself. I still count calories and skip meals some days and I have bad days. Really bad days. I'm sick of lacking energy to do stuff I love. I wanted to be normal again but I can't be what everyone wants me to be, I can't be what I want to be and be normal too. 

My name is Daniel Howell. I'm the popular boy with the eating disorder. No one in school notices this and no one at home thinks my behaviour is strange. I could starve myself to the bone and no one would say a word.
Except for PJ. He worries and he would care. 
At least that's what I like to tell myself. 

Attention to all you binary and non-binary peeps! I got my A-level results and achieved ABB. I'm officially studying creative writing and psych joint honours in September, I couldn't be more excited!!
- Ray x