I'm reaching a point where I'm so conflicted that blinking ain't enough anymore. I'm setting myself to always choose the right sides, the right ways, and yet it's just not fucking enough. It could just be another maze, another trial given by fate. Why is it sometimes so hard to choose between right and wrong ? 

I met her, and that meeting that could have just been over with a simple wave of the hand, or even a casual friendship is pushing harder and harder on the wrong path, on my side at the very least. I'm trying to find a solution, to control myself, to forget cause I know it's wrong. I'm getting to a point where I'm trying to put distance with her. 

Fuck it, I'm done. I'm switching it off.

---

How much time did it take for me to switch it back on ? Maybe 5 days, barely minutes maybe ? 

She is like a wild animal, sometimes affectionate and sometimes lifting her fangs at me, playing hot and cold at the same time. Yet I feel like I can't even try to hold back. She wants me to say things, to touch her. Am I fucking delusional ?

Physically, everything seems obvious, natural yet, absurd. Nevertheless, I'm having troubles trusting my feelings, and hers. Why is that ? Why can't it be simple, simply platonic. Why do I always want more, while never giving my trust and the words she needs ? I don't feel comfortable, but I want her to be. While she reads those words I hope she understands me a little more, and give me some time to figure what I forbid myself to feel and do. 

And yes, I'm obviously jealous. Fuck you for making me say it. I hate that. 

---

I might as well accept it, she got me. She caught me, shoke and strangled me. With her I feel vulnerable, weak and stupid. She caught me in her web like a spider playing with a guest.

Fuck, I like her, she got me. I fucking like her. I said it already. I'm confused. Fuck again.

I finally feel like she's slowly accepting me, with my issues and my awkwardness. Perhaps I'm wrong. I sometimes feel like I'm running in the wrong direction, that what I'm longing for is not in my reach. Yet I can't stop running toward her, cause it feels right. She feels right.

I could try to list ten things I hate about her, yet I probably couldn't find so many things to say. Then I could try to list ten things I like about her instead. Perhaps it would flow better. I like her when she wonders, when she draws, writes and speaks her mind. I like her spirit, the way that she loves and hates the world. I like her freckles when she smiles and the way she stares. I like her body, her eyes and her touch. That's too much already. Fuck, I lost count.

I'm addicted, and probably more than that, even though I can't say it out loud yet.
I might be loosing myself. Fuck. Let's stop for today.