i promise i haven't abandoned this story yet!

saturday rolls around sooner than frank could have anticipated, and he fucking hates it. he spent the entire week in cycles. from 'i need to clean the house so hayley and lindsey don't worry about me' to 'i shouldn't clean the house because i really need help and they might finally find some for me' to 'i can't clean the house because i'm so drained but i don't want lindsey and hayley to worry because i don't need help' and back to the beginning. he would never ask for help because he doesn't need help, he's fine. he's overreacting if anything even if it wasn't until friday when he finally got up, got dressed, took a shower and cleaned the bathroom, went downstairs, chugged at least a liter of coffee and then spent the rest of the day cleaning the entire house. at the end, three full trash bags piled up by his bin and everything seemed just about spotless. and by saturday, only a small mess had accumulated.

gerard stopped calling and leaving messages after day three, ending with, "i'll stop texting but i'm really worried about you. please talk to me at some point when you feel up to it. even if it's just another one night stand." frank ignored that too, even though he'd be lying if he said he hated the bruises around his neck. he isn't sure why. maybe it's because it's the mark that gerard was there, that someone had violated his body and beat him up enough that he didn't have to do it himself. the scars on his skin are old and worn down and he considered renewing them but he knows that lindsey or hayley would find out somehow and it doesn't give him the same rush as gerard did. gerard is probably his favorite method of self-harm even if he doesn't want to fuck him again and even if he still feels sort of betrayed by him.

saturday comes, and even though frank slept in until two, he still manages to make himself presentable in the hour he has. he showers in the dark, dries off and dresses in the dark, because he can't stand to look at the bruises. they remind him too much of gerard and he doesn't have the emotional stability to think about gerard because if he thinks about gerard then he wants gerard and he's not supposed to want gerard. gerard has a sub already and frank knows that it's fine, they've probably been around much longer than frank when he met frank, but it still doesn't make it okay. frank still feels like he's a second choice even though logically he should be okay with it, but he isn't. he just tells himself it's fine even though he catches himself thinking late at night why didn't gerard say anything else after three days? does he not care? was it too much? is he with patrick instead? did he forget? does he not care? and he hates those thoughts so he tells himself that he doesn't care about gerard and he never did.

he clears his thoughts of the man when three finally rolls around and lindsey and hayley show up at 3:15, hayley sporting a bright orange ponytail and light colors and lindsey with her darker, grungier look. frank plasters a smile as he watches their car park and they come to the house in a flurry of, "i missed you!" and "how have you been?" and "it's been so long." frank must admit, seeing lindsey and hayley around brightens up his mood and he doesn't have the fake the smile as much as he thought he would.

"what's up? how have you been?" hayley asks as soon as the small talk of the arrival dies down and the conversation begins. frank has to consider that question for longer than he thought he would, but he knows his approach to them right now. he's fine.

"i've been great," frank replies, trying his best to sound genuine, "how about you?"

"we're good, really good," lindsey says, smiling up at hayley, fondly, "new york has been great. the people can be... rude, but i love our place. and we've been talking with an adoption agency."

hayley gives a grin larger than frank thinks he's ever seen on her, "we have news, really good news."

"oh?"

hayley sits up in her chair, "we've been approved for adoption, and we're going to get a girl."

frank grows a grin, genuine, more so than any he's had in the past year and he stands pulling hayley up from her seat and hugging her tight, "oh my god, i'm l so happy for you two!" he pulls away, "i get to be an uncle?"

lindsey nods as frank embraces her, too, "holy shit, oh my god."

lindsey laughs, "you're more excited than we were."

frank pulls away, "i love kids, genuinely, i do. and i've always wanted one but i'm just, not in a place in my life i could have one. and i just... i'm so happy for you, i know that's something you've wanted for a while..."

"yeah, we're really excited. we'll be looking next week for a little girl," hayley smiles, "four or five years old, we do not have the time for an infant, but uh, yeah. were really excited."

"we should celebrate," frank jokes, not entirely serious, but lindsey looks at hayley and she nods.

"sure, what do you wanna do?" lindsey asks.

"what do you want to do? it's your kid." frank smiles.

"i have ideas..."

•••

frank, hayley, and lindsey spend the next three hours at the mall shopping for everything a little girl could need, a crib, a high chair, stuffed toys, diapers, clothes, all with the ten thousand frank agreed to give over until the ten thousand comes down to eight thousand and hayley and lindsey's truck is filled with everything they bought and around the time 7 rolls around, frank suggests they go to the gay bar he first met gerard in. frank doesn't dare mention that, though, instead he just suggests the bar and says it's a fun time. somewhere deep inside himself, he hopes that gerard will be there but he doesn't let that thought leave his subconscious as they drive to the bar. he isn't sure why he wants to. maybe to fuck, maybe because he wants to see if patrick will be there, too, maybe to get an explanation as to why gerard didn't text back. maybe he just misses his face. dark locks and soft face. he turns away from that.

frank is happy. surprisingly so. he hasn't felt this uplifted in months and he knows it's the good company. it's the mall and knowing he's gonna have a kid in his life that he can be with. it's having lindsey and hayley back and catching up on everything they missed out on. it's having a great time with friends he hasn't seen in years and getting to relive his life again, pulling out of a depression he's sunk into. lindsey and hayley have no clue about how fucked over he's been lately, and he hopes it'll stay that way.

they arrive at the bar at 7:30, taking the same truck they'd brought everything in with the tarp pulled over the back to keep it secure and frank is the first one in, pushing open the door. the bar is full of men, and a few women spread out around, it's a gay bar but they've always been open to just about everyone. it's one community, even though most of the lesbians still go down the street.

they find themselves a table by the tv and frank looks around, searching for a familiar face, but to no avail as he orders shots for the table. lindsey and hayley talk about work, about baby names, about vacations they could go on and it isn't until ten minutes pass when the front door opens and it's gerard and patrick who walk in through the doors and frank catches gerard's eye and everything just seems to stop. frank knew he would be here, not because gerard told him, but because there was a feeling deep inside him that told him to come here tonight. and his intuition served him well. he isn't sure if he wants to talk or fuck but he knows which one he'll choose anyway. gerard takes a seat at the bar, patrick by his side and he whispers something to patrick which is met with a stout nod. patrick is wearing a fishnet shirt, something humiliating that frank knows gerard made him wear and dark skinny jeans. through the shirt, though, frank sees scars, a flat line under each nipple and he suddenly has a new understanding of patrick. frank starts to hate him less, but he still dislikes gerard.

frank doesn't linger on it, though, because patrick is eyeing him now, and it feels like the world is staring when he says something to hayley about going to the bathroom really quick. everything seems to be running in slow motion as frank goes to the bathroom and gerard follows ten seconds later. their eyes meet and suddenly, everything feels both completely fine, and terribly wrong. it isn't the same. nothing is the same. tho isn't the same energy frank felt when he left gerard's house last.

"you didn't reply to any of my texts," gerard murmurs, tugging frank into the last stall, "i was worried-fucking-sick. what if you had died?"

"i didn't," frank hisses, "i just didn't want to talk."

"still scared the shit out of me, if we're gonna keep doing this, we need rules or something." gerard snarls.

"i don't belong to you, we were a one night stand-" frank starts, but he's cut off when gerard pins him against the wall, hand wrapped around his throat, pushing down and choking him off.

"i don't care, frank. you were acting shitty," gerard snarls, "i don't like being ignored."

this is heaven to frank, everything he could ever ask, but he knows this is wildly out of character for gerard and it's almost frightening in a way, but with how his body moves against frank and this is something frank's been dying for for a while, he doesn't protest. he couldn't if he wanted to with how sharply gerard's hand is on his airways.

"you're not going to say a fucking word, frank, do you understand me? you're going to get down on your knees and you're gonna suck me dry like a good little whore and when you're done, we can talk." gerard is taking control and while it's not as rough as frank would maybe like it to be, it's still enough for him to find his hard-on through the fabric of his jeans.

the moment the dom's hand leaves frank's neck, he drops down to his knees and is quick to unbuckle gerard's belt, but before he can get any farther, two hands are holding frank's behind his back and pulling them tight together under the leather strap and everything in frank's body is suddenly electrified and he groans against gerard's pants. gerard tugs down the pants and boxers and frank's lips immediately swallow him down, gazing up through dark eyelashes to gerard while he hollows his cheeks and slides down gerard until his nose nuzzles into gerard's skin. frank doesn't have control for long, though, because next thing he knows, gerard's fingers are tangling in his hair and pulling him off before pushing him all the way down, forcing his head to stay there for a minute.

gerard doesn't talk through any of it, only gives out small pants as men filter in and out of the restroom and frank tries to bring gerard to the edge as well as he can. it takes a while, maybe because he's already cum a few times by patrick today, or maybe because he's not into it (which makes frank panic slightly) but after what frank guesses is at least six minutes, gerard finds himself fucking frank's face hard and fast right into that right vice of his throat until he lets out a low growl and cums down frank's throat, holding him as far down as he can until he's done and he pulls out, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"thank you," gerard whispers, tugging up his boxers and jeans and kneeling down to unbuckle the belt from frank's wrists, "we should talk."

"i can't. i have friends here. can you help me?" frank replies, gesturing to bulge.

"you don't have time to talk but you do have time to get off?" gerard asks, "i'm not gonna help you get off. not because you don't deserve it, but because you've been worrying me these past few days and i hate that. i don't want to force you to talk but at least let me know how you're doing."

frank groans, frustrated, "i told you, i don't want to be another patrick. it was one night, or two, doesn't matter. i don't want to have a relationship with you. i don't want you to be my dom and i don't want you to look after me. i can look after my damn self. i don't want anything to do with you!"

those words come out harsher than frank had anticipated, but he doesn't recall them, gerard glares at him with eyes more furious than frank's ever seen from him and it scares him for a moment and suddenly he's vulnerable and terrified but he keeps up his temper.

"you weren't complaining when you were on your fucking knees five minutes ago, frank. you weren't fucking complaining when i had you choked against the wall!" gerard yells, raising his voice louder than either of them had thought this would go, "get ahold of yourself, frank. you came here for a reason, and you didn't deny this for a fucking reason. you want something with me but something deep down stops you from opening up. you need fucking help, frank. you need a therapist because you're fucked. you say you don't want it, and then you come around and you agree to fuck, you could have said no if you wanted, we both know that. i can't have a relationship like this, i don't like worrying about you like this and i need you to have rules, or just no relationship, i can't keep doing this, frank."

"go to hell!" frank cries out, "go to hell i don't need help!"

gerard shakes his head, "fuck this," and he leaves, slamming the door shut on his way out. frank punches the wall, once, twice, three times. his knuckles don't bleed but he knows they'll bruise soon and he wipes away his tears as he leaves. he hates that he has tears. he stays in the bathroom for a good minute more, processing what happened. he hates that gerard can do that. he hates that everything can fall apart as soon as that. frank doesn't ever plan to fall back to gerard, he didn't think he would today, but he did. and he decides he will never again.

when he gets outside, lindsey and hayley are laughing to each other about something, but frank feels like doing anything but talking to them.

"you okay?" lindsey asks, her eyes on gerard as him and patrick leave through the front door, gerard obviously pissed and patrick following submissively. frank wonders if gerard will fuck that pet tonight. he hopes he'll think of him when he cums again. frank wants his name etched in gerard's mind for the rest of eternity. he wants an impact that won't ever go away because he decides that he fucking hates gerard. he's an asshole.

"i'm fine," frank replies, "let's go."

"what? why?" she says, "what happened?"

"nothing, i just don't wanna be here right now. we should go home."

hayley and lindsey exchange looks, lindsey replies, "alright, but you have to drive. we've been drinking."

"that's fine," frank says, finding his way to the front bar to pay off his tab and then pull hayley and lindsey out to the truck where he wipes away the last of his tears and starts up the vehicle. the ride is silent for almost all the way home. frank is caught up in his thoughts, and his mind wanders from gerard to patrick to hayley to lindsey to gerard.

he's so deep in thought that he doesn't see the driver who comes out in the middle of the intersection and hits their truck so hard it comes off the road and rolls twice over.

it's something frank never forgives himself for, not even years later.