Confessional-Dick

"Now, before anyone gets any ideas about me, I am usually a cool, calm, and collected fellow, right?"

*Disembodied voice, off camera*

"Bullshit!"

"Shut up, Helena! I'm trying to make myself look good for the audience!"

*Cue the intro video*

*Camera pans over the sprawling Wayne Manor, the sun shining down on the family home. A shrill scream is heard as the camera cuts to a view of the living room where Duke sits on one of the couches next to Tim, across the room is Jason and Terry. Enter Dick, the culprit of the scream.*

"Jason! You...you...you skank!"

"Woah, not in front of the young one, Dickie!"

*Duke not so subtly lifts his phone and begins filming the interaction.*

"Besides, how am I a skank?"

"I overheard Tim's confessional, I know you had a three way with one of my exes. 'fess up! Who was it?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"I would, that's why I asked."

"I'll give you a hint; they have red hair."

"Gah! That's the majority of my exes, you asshole!"

"I know."

*Helena enters the room with a red haired woman, Cassandra, and a blonde girl. Cass and the blonde are holding hands.*

"What are we fighting about now?"

"Oh, look, one of your red haired exes."

"Jason, I swear, if it was her-"

"Why don't you ask?"

"Because that would be rude?"

"And its not rude to ask me about my sex life? Wow."

"Dick, are you trying to ask if I had sex with Jason?"

"..."

"..."

"...maybe."

*The red haired woman rolls her eyes, pinching her nose below her glasses. She turns to Terry, picking up the small child.*

"Come on, Terry. Let's get away from these Neanderthals."

"Barbara, wait!"

"Dick, no. You two should know better than to argue about something like this in front of your young brother."

*Barbara pauses in the doorway, looking over her shoulder at Dick with a sly smirk*

"And because I'm mad at you, you'll never know if I was one of the red headed exes Jason has slept with."

"One of?! Jason, you've slept with more than one!?"

*Jason winks at Dick, walking out of the room with a chuckle.*

"Jason! Jason, get back here!"

*Dick exits the room, a look of distress on his face. Cassandra and the blonde take the now vacant spots across from Duke and Tim.*

"So, what's new?"

"Oh, the usual. Tim causing drama between the rest of the siblings."

*Duke stops the recording, putting his phone back in his pocket.*

"Hey, I'm not the one sleeping around."

*The blonde gives Tim a pointed look. Tim rolls his eyes.*

"Anymore. Gosh, Steph, who invited you?"

"My girlfriend, duh. And you should be glad I'm here."

"Why?"

"Because I'm amazing?"

"Oh, my god."

Confessional- Cassandra

"Is it weird...dating my brother's ex? A little. Mostly because Tim makes it weird."

*Disembodied voice off camera*

"No I don't!"

*Cass looks into the camera*

"See what I mean?"

*Cut to outside where Bruce and Selina are sitting by the pool, holding hands as they watch Barbara play with Terry. Terry runs away from Barbara, a giggle escaping his throat as the red head pretends to be an ogre.*

Confessional- Bruce

"If it weren't for Barbara coming over every week, I think our whole family would've gone insane by now. She is so good for everyone here, she is like a third daughter. Don't tell Stephanie I said that."

*Back outside, Barbara has scooped up Terry in her arms and is tickling the small child, screeches of laughter bubbling out of him. Bruce is taking a video as Selina rests her head on his shoulder.*

"I've got you now, little prince!"

"No! Mommy, save me!"

"Mommy to the rescue!"

*Selina untangles herself from Bruce and grabs a pool noodle, making her way over to Barbara and Terry. She pretends to do battle with Barbara, defeating her and saving Terry.*

"Yay! Mommy, you saved me!"

*Terry kisses Selina's cheek as she picks him up. He looks at Barbara, sprawled on the grass. He sticks his tongue out.*

"Take that, you mean ogre!"

*The camera zooms in on a second floor window where Damian sits, watching the interaction.*

Confessional-Damian

"Am I jealous of Terry? Absolutely not. Why would I be jealous of a snot nosed child?"

*A voice of camera says something unintelligible*

"No one asked me a question? Oh. Destroy this recording immediately."

*Scene shifts to the living room where the whole family, Barbara, and Stephanie are gathered. A movie, Mulan, plays on the television. Bruce and Selina are cuddled on one couch, Stephanie and Cassandra on the other. Terry is sitting on Barbara's lap on the floor where the rest of the siblings are sprawled out, blankets thrown haphazardly on top of them.*

"When will my reflection show, who I am, inside?"

*Dick let's out a sound that can only be described as a pterodactyl screech, startling awake Helena.*

"What the fuck, Dick?"

"I'm letting out my inner banshee. I'm being true to my heart."

*Dick does the sound again. Terry starts crying.*

"Jesus, Dick!"

"We're trying to have a night of family bonding and you're over here summoning Satan."

"What are you talking about, Damian is right there?"

"Timothy, one of these days-"

"What are you going to do, huh? You're all talk."

*Terry giggles, making his two brothers pause and look over*

"Our fighting...makes Terry happy?"

"Finally, some good fucking news."

"Can we please just watch the movie?"

*The family falls quiet, settling back in to watch the movie. Everything is calm for a few more minutes until a long, loud fart is let out.*

"Holy shit!"

"Who was that?!"

"Smelt it dealt it."

"It came from that direction."

"How can you tell? It shook the whole fucking earth!"

"Yikes, it smells worse than one of Queen's bathrooms."

"I'm going to throw up."

"Seriously, whoever did that, you have a digestive issue."

Confessional- Duke

"When I say that was the worst smell of my life, I mean it. Shit, I can still smell it. Hel, I need to snort some of your perfume!"

Confessional- Helena

"I'm a lawyer, I'm pretty good at figuring out when someone is guilty. But even I was having trouble figuring out who literally shit their pants during the movie. Oh, Jesus, the smell..."

Confessional- Cassandra

"I did it. I stole some of Steph's latte earlier and it did not...agree with me. Dad is now considering fumigating the house."