Darkness loved me. Oh, how much it did. I was filled with it. It was my friend, always lurking below. It poured over me like relentless rain, soaking through every part of me. I stood in the middle of a nonexistent room, my face turned downward, unable to look up. The harsh reality loomed above me. Everything was gone, again. I should feel enraged, sad, or maybe a flicker of joy for having experienced a dream of mine, but those feelings kept fading away one by one, like the feathers I hold onto so dearly. A day had already passed. I stood there, like a shadow. No, I was the shadow. I had become a human turned into a silhouette of darkness. A representation of me standing in complete darkness. My loneliness didn't know better. I grew and grew up with nothing. I had and have nothing to nurture, to be, or to possess. I always was and will be alone. Everything was taken away: my family, my friends, my joy, my hope. Just everything that has to do with life. Everything that once breathed life into my existence vanished, turning into shadows that exist within me. Shadows are behind you, but mine is within me. It's my companion. It follows me, knows my darkest secrets; it's my past, it's me. It resides deep within me. As I stood there, my legs trembled from the stillness, but it didn't affect me. The darkness was my home, where I belonged. All the loss I have experienced gathered here. Suddenly, I remembered the embrace of my mother, breaking through the darkness like a ray of sunshine. It was a fleeting moment, but in that instant, I felt the shadows retreat for a breath, allowing me to sense the warmth of life that I had long missed. Seeking answers, I closed my eyes and delved deeper into the warm embrace of my mother.

Even in the moments when my parents were physically present, I felt like a ghost in my own home. Their absence was palpable, a silence that filled the space where laughter should have been. The only warmth I remember is the fleeting touch of my mother's arms, a brief moment that felt like sunlight breaking through the clouds. In those rare instances, I felt a flicker of connection; it always felt as if I had someone, so pure and genuine, like a gentle light. I was surrounded by her familiar scent. It was quiet; the only thing I could hear was my mother's heartbeat and the silence. She whispered that she loved me, her smile soft and tender. This was after my grandmother had passed, and it remains the only time I truly felt close to my mom. My heart would swell with warmth, but it would vanish just as quickly, leaving me in the cold shadows of solitude. I longed for a bond that never truly existed, a yearning that now echoes in the hollow spaces of my heart. Unnoticed tears fell from my eyes, one by one. I didn't realize how much those losses actually affected me and how lonely it's been. Back then, I never felt seen by my parents, but at least I wasn't alone. No one would come for me, but at least I could return to them; at least I wasn't alone.

Another day has passed again, and I haven't eaten, but I didn't feel like I needed to. The only thing I would drink were the tears that dropped from my eyes down to my lips. I didn't want to admit it, but every second that passed my fear deepened. My tears betrayed my hidden truth. "I don't fear," I whisper softly. The house parent still didn't come for me. I didn't stand anymore; I'm lying on the cold, hard floor, devoid of my energy. Everything feels surreal.
Time moves quickly and yet drags on. My death has morphed m into a dream and then back into a harsh reality. The thought that still lingers my mind was, "What did I do to deserve this? Why did she choose me? Was it because I didn't fear her? Because I never did. I don't fear anything; my fears are already placed upon me and into this world. I don't need to fear; if I do, then they will become my reality.

Perhaps her intention is to punish me for my very existing in a world where I don't belong. Maybe she seeks to torture me for not obeying her established rules, for not succumbing to the role "Becoming a sinner."

A sinner that is what I am. A blinding light flickers before my eyes. The very gates of hell opened their gates for me.

Welcome.