Last night, I had a dream. It was about Kuya Jacob, a much younger version of him back when we were in second grade. It was a memory more than it was a dream, really, and it was as vivid as if it happened just yesterday.

There was this boy who had a crush on me. We were being teased by our classmates and Kuya wasn't cool with it because I wasn't. Kasi naman, after confessing that he liked me, this boy, Mike, kissed me on the cheeks. My normal reaction was to be repulsed. Buti na lang hindi sa lips. Pero kahit naman sa lips pa 'yon, he wouldn't be my first. That would be Kuya Onyx's fault dahil siya yata ang first kiss ko. Or at least, that's what he said. Hindi ko masiguro dahil bata pa naman ako no'n at mahirap din paniwalaan dahil puro kalokohan naman 'tong si Kuya.

Anyway, after Mike kissed my cheek, I cried and ran away. Why I did that, I had no idea. I ran to my brother and cried my heart out. The next day, pinatawag ang parents namin dahil sinuntok pala sa mukha ni Kuya Jacob si Mike. Mike didn't bother me after that and si Kuya Jacob, he became my guard slash partner-in-crime. The habit stayed even until now.

Nang sinuntok ni Kuya si Racel, parang tumigil ang mundo ko. It's only been a month since the last fight with Gian and Mathev. Kagagaling lang halos ng mukha niya and now, my brother was rearranging his face again.

Everything happened so fast. Dahil sa kalalaro ng PS4 buong hapon, maagang natulog si Kuya Jacob. Wala ang ibang mga kapatid ko dahil umuwi sa condo niya si Kuya Andrei at nasa Ilocos naman sina Kuya Chris at Kuya Travis. Kaming dalawa lang ang nasa bahay.

Patulog na rin ako nang sinabihan ako ni manang na may tumatawag daw sa 'kin sa gate. Mukhang lasing daw at nagmamakaawang pansinin ko siya.

Kinutuban na ako kaya nagmamadali akong bumaba para silipin kung ano ang nangyayari-and sure enough, Racel was there. He was drunk and pounding on our gate as he called for my name, over and over and over.

I became frantic. Bukod sa ayokong makaistorbo ng kapitbahay, ano na lang ang mangyayari kung magigising si Kuya Jacob? I wasn't that thrilled to see him. I was starting to move on tapos ngayon, makikita ko na naman siya at babalik na naman ako sa simula?

But I had no choice. Either I stop him myself or my brother would stop him.

Hinarap ko si Racel at pinilit kong pauwiin pero ayaw nitong makinig. Pilit niya akong niyakap. Nagmamakaawa na pakinggan ko siya. He wasn't even asking for forgiveness, just that, sana daw mapakinggan ko siya.

Nagpupumiglas ako at 'yon ang inabutan na scenario ng kapatid ko. Kuya Jacob went livid. He was instantly onto him, hitting the living daylights out of Racel.

It took me, three of our househelpers, and our driver to stop Kuya Jacob from killing Racel. Okay na sana. Napakalma na sana si Kuya kaso nang tumayo si Racel at minura siya, lalo lang siyang na-provoke.

"Get the fuck out of my sight, Gutierez. Isa pang lapit mo sa kapatid ko baka mapatay na kita."

"Tangina. 'Wag kang makialam. Kasalanan n'yo kung bakit kami nagkaganito!"

Nagpanting ang tainga ko sa narinig ko. Aakmang susugod si Kuya pero hinatak ko ang braso niya.

"What the fuck are you saying? Kasalanan n'yo kung bakit tayo nasira. You cheated on me!" Uminit ang mga tainga ko sa sobrang inis.

"I didn't want to! God, I didn't want to! Iniwasan ko ang babaeng 'yon pero lapit pa rin nang lapit. She fucking blackmailed me!" desperado niyang sinabi. Kitang-kita ko ang pagrehistro ng sakit at takot sa mga mukha niya. He was evidently drunk, in pain or alcohol, I couldn't tell. Nasasaktan ako na nakikita ko siyang ganito, na ginaganito namin ang isa't isa, na dito kami nauwi matapos ang lahat.

"You screwed her behind my back! Did she blackmail you to do that as well?"

"That was a mistake, I admit that. Pero 'yon lang 'yon. I hated her for it! For many months, she used me like a pet. Kung hindi ko siya kakausapin at pupuntahan, sisiraan daw niya ako sa 'yo. Aaminin niya daw ang nararamdaman niya sa 'yo. That fucking scared me, Javee. Kung alam mo lang." Umiyak na siya. Sa bigla niyang pag-iyak, nabigla rin ang kapatid ko kaya huminto ito sa pagsubok na sugurin siya. "Kung malalaman mong may gusto sa 'kin ang kaibigan mo, paano kung iwan mo 'ko? Paano kung magparaya ka? Nagawa mo na akong iwan noon para kay Lhyle. Ang tagal kong gustong umamin sa 'yo pero natakot ako. Ang dali sa 'yong iwan ako at 'di ko alam kung kakayanin ko kung hihiwalayan mo ako dahil lang sa kaibigan mo. So I fucking put up with her machinations, hoping to hell she'd stop kapag pinaramdam ko sa kanya na ikaw ang mahal ko! And that night. . . Hindi ko sinasadya. I was shitless drunk. In my head, I thought it was you but fuck. Imagine my surprise when it wasn't. Tangina." His face softened, and I could almost see his soul breaking beyond his eyes. "Baby, I don't love her. I never did. Please. Listen to me. Kung kailangan kong lumuhod at humingi ng tawad habambuhay, gagawin ko. Please give me another chance. Please take me back." Naglakad siya palapit sa 'kin.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Kuya Jacob. Humalukipkip si Kuya at iritado kaming iniwan sa labas ng gate. Nakasunod sa kanya ang mga kasambahay at driver namin.

Nang kami na lang ni Racel, lumuhod siya at niyakap ang mga binti ko. "Please take me back. I won't ask for forgiveness right now. But please, someday, please."

Despite my promises not to cry anymore, umusbong na naman ang mga luha at nagsimulang bumagsak na parang ulan. Hirap na hirap akong huminga.

He had a point. Matagal ko nang napansin sa kanya 'yon. He was insecure with our relationship. Lagi siyang takot na takot at nag-aalala and I did that to him. Pero dahilan ba 'yon para magsinungaling siya sa 'kin? Sa kabila ng pangako namin na hindi na kami maglilihim pa sa isa't isa?

Ang mas masakit pa, wala siyang tiwala sa 'kin. Pinaglaban ko na siya sa mga kapatid ko? Tingin niya basta basta ko na lang siyang iiwan?

"Are you saying it's my fault?" nanginginig kong sinabi. "Are you blaming me for destroying us? For making you do that?"

"No, never. That's not what I meant. I just want you to know. None of it were lies. I really love you more than my own life."

"Mahal mo 'ko pero wala kang tiwala sa 'kin. Katulad ng nararamdaman ko para sa 'yo ngayon. Mahal kita pero wala na akong tiwala sa 'yo," sabi ko sabay hikbi. "Hindi ko na kaya, Racel. Ang ayoko sa lahat, yung nagsisinungaling sa 'kin. Siguro mapapatawad kita someday pero yung magiging tayo ulit? Ayoko na. Hindi ko na kaya. Inubos mo 'ko, e. Tapusin na natin 'to dito."

He shook his head furiously as he slowly rose to his feet. Niyakap niya ako nang sobrang higpit. "You're just mad right now. Galit ka lang. When you've calmed down, please think about it again. Please change your mind," he pleaded.

But my heart was cold-so was the rest of me. I removed his arms from my body and softly pushed him away.

Umiiyak ako habang nag-aangat ng kamay para haplusin ang mga luha niya.

Nasasaktan ako pero mahal ko pa rin siya. Kahit na hindi ko alam ang totoo, gumaan ang pakiramdam ko ngayong nalaman ko na may possibility na hindi pala siya Grim Reaper.

"I love you so let's end it on a positive note. Someday, I wanna be able to look back to this relationship and smile. Ayoko nang magalit sa 'yo. Tapusin na natin 'to habang ganito pa. Maghiwalay tayo nang maayos."

He shook his head again, despair brimming in his eyes. "Ayoko. Ayoko. Hindi ko kaya," he choked.

My face broke into sobs. "You have no choice. I've made my decision, so please accept it. Ayoko na."

I might as well just kill him. The devastation that flickered on his face sucked my spirit dry. But I knew he could make it. He was Racel Gutierez. He could do whatever he set his mind to.

And besides, words don't hurt us. It's our investment. Our emotions. The memories. We break ourselves. That means the power to heal ourselves rest on our hands as well.

Kaya niya at kakayanin ko.

Tapos na ako sa yugto ng buhay ko na sa kanya iikot ang mundo ko. I would stop hating and tormenting myself. I would stop pitying myself and move forward. Ayoko nang bumalik pa sa minsan nang nanakit sa 'kin. Kung babalik kasi ako, uulit lang ang lahat.

I deserved better. I didn't deserve this.

This time, I'd learned to love myself more.

#

Ilang linggo ang nakalipas. Nahirapan akong makalimot sa mga inamin niya sa 'kin. Ilang araw akong hindi pinatulog at pinakain no'n. Hirap na hirap akong kalabanin ang sarili ko dahil kasi kahit nakapagdesisyon na ako, binabalik pa rin ako ng puso ko sa kanya.

Mahal na mahal ko siya. Kahit na nangingibabaw ang sakit at takot.

Sa bawat oras na ginugusto kong makita siya, nililipat ko ang attention ko sa ibang bagay. I went back to ice-skating, you see. Tuwing weekends, nandoon ako para mag-practice at mas pagalingin pa ang sarili ko. Tinupad ko na rin ang pangako ko kay Angelo na turuan ko siya.

Speaking of him, we'd gotten closer than before-if that was even possible. Laging nandiyan si Angelo para sa 'kin. Kinausap din yata siya ni Lhyle kasi nabanggit niyang nag-usap silang dalawa bago ito umuwi pabalik ng Singapore.

Maybe he was adamant on filling that bestfriend space that Lhyle left empty. Ewan ko. Para sa 'kin kasi, ayoko. Lhyle is Lhyle and Angelo is, well, Angelo. Magkaparehas man sila pero magkaiba ang relasyon ko with them. It's best to stay that way.

After my class, nagkita kami sa Alabang Town Center ni Angelo. Inaaya ako ng mommy niyang mag-dinner doon kaya pinuntahan ko sila.

He greeted me with a bouquet of misty blue flowers filled with baby's breath.

Sobrang tuwang tuwa ako nang makita 'yon dahil part ng bucketlist ko ang makatanggap no'n.

"Damn! Seryoso ka talagang tutuparin mo bucketlists ko?" sabi ko sa kanya, ngiting ngiti.

Ever since kasi naikwento ko sa kanya 'yon, tatlo na ro'n ang sinusubukan niyang gawin. So far, we went trekking to Mt. Ulap and Mt. Pinatubo, both of which were part of my list.

"Damn right. What else is on the list?" he asked me. "What do you really want, Jamie V?"

Tumawa ako. Naglalakad na kami papunta sa restaurant kung saan naghihintay ang mga kapatid niya. I looped my arm around his.

"Oh, you know, be Targaryen blonde. Have a puppy."

"Not that. What you really want. Something that makes you burn so much just by thinking about it."

"Wanna be an immortal."

"Yeah, you said that before. You wanted to be an immortal. Weird. What else?"

"Hm. I dunno. Bungee-jumping? Start up a cafe business somewhere?" Ngumisi ako. "Skydiving?"

Angelo beamed. "I can do that."

"Oh, and ride a hot air balloon. I have others. I can't remember them right now."

Angelo chuckled. "Sige. Let's plan out. We can do bungee-jumping soon. We have that in Bohol."

Oo nga pala. Next week na nga pala ang lakad namin papunta doon. Nalipat nang nalipat ang schedule dahil sa mga nangyari sa 'kin.

"Just a heads-up. I saw Gutierez earlier," bulong niya. He was checking me for any signs of negative reaction.

I shrugged. "I know. He's always here with Justin every Thursday."

"Then don't be surprised if I say he's walking toward us?"

I stopped abruptly, caught offguard. Paglingon ko sa gilid, nandoon nga si Racel, nakatingin sa aming dalawa. Shit. I forgot. Ito nga pala ang restaurant na lagi nilang kinakainan! I forgot to tell Angelo na dapat sa kabilang way kami sa sobrang distracted ko kanina!

As Racel walked toward us, he eyed the flowers in my left hand. Agad akong bumitaw kay Angelo but he kept a secure hand around my waist.

Oh, god. Ayoko ng gulo.

Nagsimulang magwala ang sistema ko sa sobrang kaba.

His jaw was taut as he met Angelo's defying gaze, then his face softened into a smile when he walked closer to me.

"How are you doing?"

"Good." Napalunok ako. "You?"

"Not so good." Tumingin siya kay Angelo. And then sa 'kin. "Can we talk?" He grabbed my hand, which I retracted right away.

"Sorry but it's best if I don't go anywhere with you."

Umigting ang panga niya. "Dahil ba sa kanya?" Masama niyang tiningnan si Angelo.

Angelo whistled, stepped forward and positioned me behind him protectively.

"Stop it, man. She said she doesn't wanna go."

"Fuck off, Castillo. Sa 'ming dalawa to."

"Oh? Last time I checked, Wala na kayo. Ginago mo siya. Wala ka nang karapatan."

"At ikaw, meron?"

Angelo stepped forward, rising to the challenge. "How about we see that, yeah?"

The tension was rising as both of them pit each other in a deadly gaze. Pumagitna ako.

"Stop. Stop it. Angelo, halika na." I turned to Racel, "And you, please leave me alone. We're done. Let me move on."

I saw the rapid succession of emotion on his face. As if I stabbed him, he stepped back, his face blanching. I hurt him with my words. Again.

By doing so, I hurt myself too. Again. It's a cycle we couldn't break free from but I wanted to. God knew how much I wanted to. Sana dumating ang panahon kung saan magkikita kami at mawawala na ang sakit, kung saan 'di na kami magkakasakitan at magagawa na naming tawanan ang lahat. Sana.

Sana.

Without so much as a backward glance, hinatak ko si Angelo palayo sa kanya. I walked away from Racel and this time, wala na akong planong bumalik pa. Ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko sa sobrang kaba na baka mag-away sila. Buti na lang hindi De Villa si Angelo. He's way more tamed than my cousins.

"Kainis. Now, you're miserable," he grumbled.

"I'm not."

"You are. Sorry, Jamie V. You shouldn't have seen him here," he apologized with those puppy eyes he was famous for.

I furrowed my brows. "I can handle myself. I'm not a doll that will break everytime he's around."

"I know. But it must hurt a lot. You still love him."

Napahinto ako. Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Damn. Tama siya doon. It's been months pero mahal ko pa rin siya.

Mawawala pa ba 'to?

Angelo noticed my emotional turmoil and squeezed my hand. "No worries. You'll soon move on from him. We got your back. Your brothers, cousins, friends, and I will teach you how to forget." Angelo's eyes twinkled and he leaned in to ruffle my hair as he let out the brightest grin I'd ever seen on him.

And just like that, my life seemed to be a million times better.

"Slowly but surely, yeah?" sabi niya.

That's right. The pain would fade. Not now. But someday. It was the promise of the future. Like with everything else, time would heal all my wounds.

I nodded my head, grinning back. "Slowly but surely."

He laughed, chasing the remnants of my pain away. "That's my girl."