Jamie Vanna De Villa

Maybe this is how growing up is. You gain some, you lose some. May mga dumaraan lang. May mga bagay at taong nawawala. Hindi lahat pwedeng sa 'yo.

In this case, I lost Racel and found my way back.

Back to where I belong.

It hurt. So much. Minsan naiisip ko bakit pa siya dumating kung mananakit lang din pala? Numerous questions were circling in my head. Questions I'd never get the answers to.

Hanggang ngayon, mahirap tanggapin. Yung lahat ng pinangarap mo. Lahat ng plano mo. Lahat ng inaasahan mo, gone in an instant. Everything I knew shattered in less than a day. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang dapat isipin. Kung sino ang dapat paniwalaan. Ano ang totoo sa hindi.

What we had, was any of it real?

Did he ever love me?

Or had it always been Hiromi and I was just a fucking pawn he used to get back at my brothers. A collateral damage.

Racel said it had been real. But was it, really? Can you really lie for that long to someone you love?

And then there was Hiromi. Paano niya nagawa sa 'kin 'yon? I loved her like a real sister. I could accept anyone else pero yung siya? Tangina. It's damn unthinkable! It hurt all the more kasi siya 'yon. Maybe I'd be less damaged had it been someone else. But no, it had to be her.

Fate is indeed cruel. Fucking cruel. It messes you up real good. Now it left me with nothing. Wala na.

Wala na.

Hindi ko maisip na wala na. Tapos na ang lahat. Sa isang iglap, nasira ang lahat. All those memories. Those fights. Those promises. Lahat ng pinagdaanan namin, nabalewala. Nasayang. After everything . . . And it took one mistake to send my life crumbling.

I guess it was the mistake of loving too much, of building my world around him. Ngayon? I was stripped to nothing, left vulnerable in the open.

I hadn't seen him since. He looked for me but I never really gave him another chance. I figured hindi ko kaya at hindi na rin ako hahayaan nina Kuya na lumapit pa sa kanya.

I guess it was really over?

The thought made me sick. Not seeing him from now on . . . God.

I would miss him. His touch, his scent, his kisses. I would miss his eyes, his lips and those hands. Those crazy nights. Those late night calls. Those warm fuzzy moments. I would miss everything about him. Pero kasabay ng mga 'yon, yung sakit na dinudulot sa 'kin ng mga nakita ko. We're marred. I didn't think I could ever forget it. Kahit pa magbalikan kami, hindi ko na kaya. 'Cause I would remember. I would remember and I would always get hurt. I might hurt him, too.

Besides, I wasn't a hundred percent sure if he really loved me. There was always that possibility, too.

Marami akong tanong. Maraming gumugulo sa isip ko. Kung sana kinausap ko siya nang mas mahaba pa at hinayaang magpaliwanag, baka nalinawan ako.

Pero natatakot ako. What he'd say might break me even more. I wasn't strong enough for that. Baka hindi na ako makabangon pa. I was too crushed as it was.

I was absolutely not okay. I wouldn't be okay for a long time. But I refused to dwell in this hurt. Hindi ko 'to yayakapin. I'd take this as a strength to move forward instead.

I refused to give other people the satisfaction of walking over me for the third time. I wouldn't be that miserable, pathetic girl.

Oo, mahal ko siya. At ngayon, hinahanap-hanap ko siya. But that was just my habit speaking. 'Cause I didn't think I'd still want him back. Not when just the thought of him was still enough to make me feel raw and burnt inside. I'd learn to quit him.

Someday.

Sa ngayon, idaragdag ko na lang siya sa mga bagay na natutunan ko.

Men can be unpredictable

You need to accept that you can't decode all men and learn everything about anybody. Mayroon pa ring darating na hindi mo mababasa o fully makikilala. You need to take time. You need to get yourself out there. You need to invest. I'm sure there will be lots of hiccups along the way. You will get hurt. You will get burnt. You will get crushed. But it's the strength to take risks that make us grow stronger.

Like what I said before: words don't break us. It's our emotions, our memories, our investments that hurt us the most. We break ourselves. But in this process, it's vital that we pull ourselves up and get our shit together. We do break but we also heal. People take time. We have our own pace. But just because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't mean it's not there. You just need to hang on. Then, surely, you'll find it.

You don't have to go through it alone. Embrace the pain. Embrace your friends. Embrace every moment. It's what counts the most.

Nagmahal ako at nasaktan. Gano'n talaga. That's part of life too, I guess.

But if people would ask me if I'd regret it?

My answer would be a flat no.

Without these challenges, I wouldn't be the way I was now. I got what I wanted. A crazy passionate love. And I got what everyone told me I would as a consequence. I got burned.

And maybe that was fine.

Maybe that was a part of life, too.

Some loves are just there to teach you a lesson. Racel was mine and thanks to him, I learned how to live a life outside my brothers. I saw that world and realized I was much better when I was with my boys all along.

Racel was the unfortunate hiccup in this time of my life but I learned. I came to know myself in a different, more intimate way.

And thanks to Hiromi, I was slightly better than the stupid girl I was before. I grew stronger.

I hoped there would come a time when I'd finally be able to look back to this day and simply laugh it off.

And though today I was still hurting, that was okay because it was proof-proof enough that I really loved him and gave my all.

I was slowly but surely in the process of moving on-toward that next stage of my life.

A life without Racel Gutierez.

"Javee, ikaw na," tawag ni Kuya Paul.

Tumingin ako sa kanila. The twins and Gian were done wearing their harnesses. Kasalukuyang nilalagyan sina Kuya Jacob at Kuya Andrei. I was next.

Ngumisi ako. I was excited. It had been too long since the last time I'd been in Bohol. Ngayon ko lang susubukan ang bungee jumping nila dito sa Danao.

I came here two days ago with my cousins and brothers. Kasama namin ang mga kaibigan ni Kuya Andrei. Sina Angelo, Jin, at Steel. There was also another one named Kal-el. Sumama na rin sina Carlo at Joshua na ka-team ni Kuya Jacob. Ako lang ang nag-iisang babae. As always. Not that I minded. We wanted to unwind and sanay na rin naman ako.

"Looking real good, babe," Angelo said, whistling.

I grinned at him. "I know."

"Next time sky dive naman, yeah?"

"Oo ba! Set na 'yan!" masaya kong sinagot.

Well? I was helping myself. No point in wallowing. What was done was done and I'd take all chances I could get to help make me forget their lies.

That wasn't to say I was completely out of blame.

In hindsight, I realized that I was partly at fault. I made him that way. I broke him and turned him into that insecure version of himself. Gone was the confident quiet man I met. Gone was the man he was before me. Dahil sa 'kin, nawala ang lalaking minahal ko. Habambuhay kong pagsisisihan ang ginawa ko sa kanya, sa amin. We were both to blame. We did this to ourselves. Kaya ngayon, we should wait for each other to heal.

Maybe then, we'd have our second chance.

If we meet each other again, maybe then, maybe we can love each other again-properly this time. Yung wala nang complications at family drama.

But for now, at this moment, he was just a bridge I needed to burn.

Angelo grinned back at me. "Damn. You're one helluva girl, Jamie V."

My grinned widened smugly. "De Villa kasi."

Nagbungisngisan ang mga pinsan ko na parang natutuwa sa sinabi ko.

"'Yan. 'Yan ang pinsan ko. Kasado lagi," said Gian who wore a smirk.

"Mas matapang sa 'yo, 'no? Mahiya ka nga," asar naman ni Mathev, sabay halakhak.

That made us all laugh. Nagkantyawan pa ang boys at patuloy na biniro si Gian habang kinukuhanan kami ng video ni Kuya Nick.

"That tattoo is seriously killing me, though," pansin ni Kuya Andrei habang tinititigan ang manipis na De Villa na naka-ink sa left shoulder blade ko. Kitang-kita 'yon sa suot kong tank top.

I grinned. All of us kasi got inked with this before we arrived here. Kuya Paul's idea, which I really loved. Best decision of my life.

Finally, the staff finished putting my harness and asked me, "Head first ba ang gusto mo o una ang paa?"

"Head first," I bravely said.

Pumito si Kuya Jacob at nakipag-high five sa 'kin.

In no time, we were positioning in the launch pad. The boys went first. As expected, si Kuya Andrei ang unang sumubok. Sunod sina Kuya Jacob, Kuya Chris, at Kuya Travis. After them came Jin, Steel, Kal-el, Carlo, and Joshua. I was patiently waiting for my turn.

The boys were busy laughing at some joke. May sinasabi si Kuya Onyx na ginagatungan pa nina Kuya Paul at Kuya Nick. Nakingisi ako at nakisali sa asaran.

Pumosisyon si Mathev sa gilid ako at inakbayan ako. "That's our girl. Strong and ready to fight."

"I have the best teachers," sabi ko while looking fondly at my goon cousins.

He let out a chuckle. "That's true. So, how are you holding up?"

I smiled up at him.

Ako?

I was moving forward. Hindi madali but I was trying. Maybe someday maiintindihan ko kung bakit nagawa nila sa 'kin 'to. Yung totoong intindi at hindi yung basta malaman lang ang rason. Yung tipong intindi na may kasamang pagtanggap at pagpapatawad.

But that was not today. Everything was fresh and burning, and I wasn't ready to forgive any of them yet. I wasn't ready to forgive myself either. Ang tanging magagawa ko lang, tanggapin ang lahat at libangin ang sarili. Daanan ang mga problema. Fix myself. Put back all the shattered pieces.

Kasi alam ko. Alam ko sa dulo nito, mawawala rin ang lahat ng sakit.

Mahal na mahal ko siya. I didn't think it would ever stop. I didn't think I would ever stop. Pero wala akong magagawa.

He chose and this was where that choice led us.

Now I was choosing. I was moving on.

Pumipili ako.

Hindi siya. Hindi ang mga kapatid ko. Kundi ang sarili ko.

"I'm moving on," sabi ko na nakapagpangiti sa kanya, "with you guys."

"It won't be easy but you're damn right," Mathev breathed out. "You got us. Always."

Napangiti ako.

Yes, I'd be okay. There was a road of healing waiting ahead. Someday, I'd learn to forgive.

"You alright?" tanong ni Kuya Jacob sa 'kin.

Oh. It was finally my turn.

I walked forward and took my position, drinking the full scene of nature down below.

Then I beamed at Kuya Jacob to show him I was ready to take the risk again. Ready to let it all out.

"Oo naman. Ako pa ba? Let's go!"

I wasn't scared. Kung ang sakit ngang 'to, kinakaya ko, ito pa kaya?

I jumped bravely.

Kasunod ng pagtalon ko ang mahaba kong sigaw. Lahat ng sakit, lahat ng lungkot. Nilabas ko sa isang sigaw na 'yon. I let it all out. Poured all my anguish in one long scream at the top of my lungs.

The ground zoomed toward me, and I welcomed the cold air, relishing in the thrill of flying and falling, the feeling of the entire earth all around me.

It was the most thrilling four seconds of my life. The fall was absolutely great. I was flying. I was falling. I was breathless. It was perfect! Then, the string went taut and I swayed to all directions, above the canopy.

I'd never felt so alive.

Pagkatapos ng bungee, tawa ako nang tawa. It felt refreshing. It was great!

"How's the fall?" tanong ni Kuya Travis when I got back to them. Agad na ginulo ni Kuya Chris ang buhok ko, tuwang tuwa na matapang kong hinarap 'yon.

"The best! I swear!" natatawa kong sinagot.

"So hindi ka takot mag-jump ulit? You know, jump and fall?" Angelo, my happy pill, asked with a wicked grin, waggling his brows.

Oh, the double meaning. Asshole.

"Of course not!" Umiling ako at tumawa.

Nagtawanan sila at isa-isa akong biniro. Ginulo nila ang buhok ko.

"Stop it, jerks!"

"'Yan si Javee. Ready lagi!"

Nasaktan ako. Sobra. Totoo, I might not love for a long time. I wasn't even sure if I could totally forget him in this lifetime. But that wouldn't stop me from enjoying life. Hindi dito hihinto ang mundo ko. I was determined to convert this anguish into strength.

Because just because you fall doesn't mean you won't ever stand. Just because you bled doesn't mean you'll never heal again.

Baka matakot akong sumugal ulit pero proud ako.

Proud akong sabihin na nagmahal ako hanggang sa dulo. Na lumaban ako hanggang sa masira ako. Na nagmahal ako nang buong-buo. Na binigay ko ang lahat hanggang sa maubos ako. Proud ako na sa kabila ng lahat, buo at matibay kami ng mga kuya ko.

I was a girl that loved and got broken. But I am also a De Villa and I'm one of these boys.

Kahit anong problema, makakaya ko. Basta kasama ko ang pamilya ko.

Because I am a De Villa and I am strong.

DTB 1 Ending Note

Hi! This is the end of the story. I'd like to thank everyone for reading this far and reaching the end. Y'all mean the world to me and I can't thank you enough for supporting me, Javee, and the characters.

I know this is not the ending you have in mind. I know some of you came in here with the thinking that you want a happy ending. I know some may even feel frustrated that it ended the way it ended. But this is where their mistakes and choices led them and this is what makes sense for the characters at the moment. It's not a good ending, but it's real, and it's the best that Javee can have at the moment. And it is her version of happy ending, given the hardships she faced. I hope, one way or another, you learned something through her journey.

I always write for the characters and not for what the readers want. I do not write for the kilig and chemistry so please do not look for those in my stories. Instead, I write for the flaws, the nitty gritty of life, the growth, the maturity, until the characters become the best version of themselves. My hope is that you look for the lessons I wanna impart than solely focus on the romance aspect of my stories.

I know I'm not a perfect writer. There are areas of improvements, still, however I am constantly striving to be better than I was before and your support and feedback have always been helpful to me.

Again, thank you for making it this far. Thank you so much.