Kinagabihan, pinuntahan ako ni Racel sa bahay. Ayoko sanang lumabas dahil masama pa ang loob ko pero naisip ko kasi na baka emergency naman pala ang pinuntahan niya. Sa tuwing naiisip ko 'yon, tinutuligsa ako ng guilt ko.

I went out and met him outside. Good thing wala ang mga kapatid ko kaya mas may privacy kami.

"Baby, I'm sorry. Hindi ko akalain na matatagalan ako. I wanted to text you but my phone died on me. And when I finally charged it, saktong tumatawag ka. Hindi lang kita nakausap nang maayos dahil may kailangan ulit akong asikasuhin."

I raised a hand to stop him.

"You said it wasn't an emergency."

"It wasn't."

"Then what was it?"

Natigilan siya na parang pinag-iisipan kung ano ang isasagot sa 'kin. He took a deep breath, obviously distressed.

I grew frustrated.

"Kung pamilya naman 'yan, maiintindihan ko. Bakit ba hindi mo masabi sa 'kin? Ano bang tinatago mo? Why are you so distant? Did you suddenly realize you don't love me anymore? Gano'n ba 'yon?" Kumunot ang noo ko.

"No," mabilis niyang sabi. "You know how much I love you."

"Then what? May problema ba? I can handle it. Try me. Kahit ano pa 'yan. Share it with me. We promised not to keep secrets."

He drew another deep breath and moved closer to me, clasping my hands into his as if pleading me to understand. "There are things I can't tell you right now. But give me time and I will. Please. Trust me. Mahal kita. 'Yon ang totoo."

Pagod na ako. Ayoko na ng away at ayoko nang umiyak nang umiyak. I could accept this. Kung hindi siya handang sabihin sa 'kin 'to, hahayaan ko na lang. Tanga na kung tanga. Tutal naman lagi siyang naghihintay sa 'kin. I should just wait for him, too.

I thought that would be our last major fight, but it soon became the start of many. Minsan kung anu-ano na lang. Aaminin ko. Ako naman na rin ang may kasalanan. Sa tuwing nakikita kong kasama niya sa photos yung Natalia, naiinis ako at napagbubuntunan ko siya. Madalas naisasali niya si Angelo sa away namin kaya lalo pa kaming nag-aaway. Dahil talaga sa sikreto na tinatago niya kaya naging mailap na rin kami sa isa't isa. Whatever it was, it was breaking our relationship pero hindi ko naman siya mapilit na aminin kung ano 'yon.

A month after our last fight, we had another hiccup along the way. Wala na ngang kwenta, e. He went missing for a week. I thought busy lang siya sa acads but then I saw his photos na nasa bar siya kasama sina Natalia, Justin at Christelle. Nag-away na naman kami. It wasn't until Justin told me na hinatak lang nila si Racel that everything became clear to me. Nabanggit din niyang kaya pala busy si Racel dahil gumagawa ito ng designs. One of his designs was bought by a European architect. Gagawin 'tong bahay sa Southeast London. 'Yon pala ang dapat sorpresa niya sa 'kin kung 'di kami nag-away dahil sa kapraningan ko.

At this point, ilang araw na kaming hindi nag-uusap. Justin said he was preparing a surprise for me. Pero sa sobrang guilt na nararamdaman ko, hindi ko na nahintay 'yon. I decided to apologize again this time. I prepared a bento box for him dahil nabanggit nga ni Justin na i-me-meet daw ni Racel ang client niya mamayang hapon. I woke up early to make this. Kaya bandang alas sais, I was on my way to his condo.

A stab of deja vu hit me. Please. Sana hindi naman ito matulad nung last time. I knew his passcode so I entered without ringing the bell. Malamang tulog pa 'yon. I wanted to prepare breakfast for him din kasi sana.

But as I entered, I registered a couple of things that made the warning bells in my head ring wildly.

Sakto, pumasok ang text sa 'kin from unknown number.

Why don't you see for yourself? Go to Trinity Towers-Harvey

Kumalabog ang dibdib ko. Hindi ko nagustuhan ang nabasa ko. I walked around and spotted the few things that were wrong in his condo. Una sa lahat, may stilettos dito. Pangalawa, may bag sa sofa niya at pangatlo, may nakakalat na t-shirt niya sa sahig.

It couldn't be any of his family. Ganito kaaga? At isa pa, hindi siya ganito kadumi sa bahay. Lalo na kung may bisita.

Heart crashing fast against my ribcage, I made my way to his bedroom. The door was left ajar so I could hear the low murmur of voices. Halos uminit ang dugo ko dahil may naririnig akong boses ng babae sa loob. Bukod pa doon, natatanaw ko na ang kalat kalat na damit nito.

"This won't happen again. Get out," Racel said to the girl as I pushed the door open.

The scene in front of me made me gaso. My head spun and my heart almost stopped beating. Racel's muscled back was facing me but I could see there was a girl on the bed. Bihis na si Racel pero alam ko kung ano ang nakikita ko. Hindi ako tanga. Tangina. Sa panginginig ko, nabagsak ko ang nagawa kong bento box. Kasabay noon ang paglingon sa 'kin ni Racel at pagtalukbong nung babae kaya hindi ko nakita ang mukha nito. Well, damn her. Damn them both to hell!

"Javee? Fuck!" sabi niya at dali-daling lumapit sa 'kin.

My head was spinning but I turned and bolted out of his unit in record time. Sa hallway na niya ako inabutan.

"Baby, let me explain!" sabi niya sabay hatak sa braso ko para pigilan ako sa pagpasok ng elevator.

I whipped to him, angry, hurt and betrayed, and slapped his cheek hard. The type that would leave bruises. Angry tears ran down my face. Para akong naging halimaw dahil sa sobrang galit na nararamdaman ko. Kasabay ng pagkasira ng puso ko yung namumuong kagustuhan ko na saktan siya at gumanti.

Nanlalamig ako. Nangingilabot. Nanghihina. Putcha. It was supposed to be a surprise. Ako pa ang nasorpresa. Hindi ako makapagsalita. Hindi ako makahinga. Ang sikip ng dibdib ko.

"Explain? What's there to explain? Alam ko ang nakita ko. There's nothing to explain, you fucking asshole. 'Wag mo akong gawing tanga. I know cheating when I see it," I cried out, my voice breaking.

Racel opened his mouth to speak, his face looking tormented, but I beat him to it.

"I should've known, Racel. Dapat naniwala ako kina Kuya. Tangina." I inhaled, sobbing. More tears came out of my eyes. Nanghina ako lalo. "Pero ako lang naman talaga ang dapat sisihin kasi ang tanga ko. Niloko mo 'ko. Ginamit mo 'ko. Para saan, ha? Para gantihan si Kuya? Are you happy now? Ang dali ko bang bumigay? Sino siya? Gaano na kayo katagal? Congrats, ha. At congrats din sa new project mo. Tangina. Salamat na lang sa lahat ng kasinungalingan mo." Habang sinasabi ko ang mga 'yon, patuloy siyang umiiling para itanggi ang mga paratang ko.

Sinubukan kong lumayo pero hinawakan niya ang mga braso ko. Parang napapaso, pumiglas ako. This time, yung kabilang pisngi ang sinampal ko. The sound tore throughout the silence of the hallway. He winced but made no move to nurse his cheek.

"'Wag mo 'kong hahawakan. Nakakadiri kayo. At 'wag na 'wag mo rin akong susundan. Ayaw na kitang makita kahit kailan."

Bumilis lalo ang paghinga niya habang bumubuhos ang mga luha niya. Sinusubukan niya akong pakalmahin. His face was so pale and he looked really lost right now. In another time, I would've caved in and forgiven him kasi tangina, mahal ko pa rin siya kahit ginago niya ako. "Javee, please, baby. Listen to me first. I can explain. It's not what you think. It was an accident. Wala lang 'yon. Hindi ko sinasadya. God, hindi ko sinasadya. I didn't mean to. She is nothing to me." He ran a hand through his hair in desperation and panic. "Please. Mahal na mahal kita."

My voice rose. "Accident? Pwede ba 'wag mo akong paikutin? Tangina naman. Sige nga. Sino siya? Gaano mo na ako katagal niloloko? At tutal nandito na tayo sa usapin na 'to, ano ba ako sa 'yo? Niloko mo lang ba ako? Pinagmukha mo 'kong tanga. Pinaglaban kita, gago ka! Sinayang mo lang ang lahat. Kalokohan lang ba 'yon? Am I a joke to you? Some fucking bet you need to win to prove something?" Humagulgol na ako. "Wala lang ba ako sa 'yo? Hindi ba totoo ang lahat ng pinakita mo sa 'kin? Did you even love me!" I hit his chest with my hands. Hindi ko na alam ang dapat isipin. Hindi ko na rin alam kung ano ang totoo sa hindi. San ako nagsisimula para malaman kung ano ang totoo sa hindi. Dammit! Just... dammit!

He flinched, taking my punishment in silence as he cried and tried to hold me.

Dahil sa pananahimik niya, lalong sumabog ang mga emosyon ko. Myriad of violent emotions warred and raged within me, fighting to take control and rule over me.

"Sa lahat ng pinagsamahan natin, wala ka ba talagang naramdaman para sa 'kin? Were they all right when they said you were using me? Tangina. Tangina!" sigaw ko sabay hagulgol.

"No, no, that's not true. I love you. I really love you. That wasn't a lie. It was real. Please believe me. I'm so sorry, baby," he begged. His face crunched as he tried to gather me into his arms pero pilit akong lumalaban. Paulit-ulit ang paghingi niya ng tawad at pagsabi na pagkakamali at katangahan niya lang ang nagawa niyang 'yon. Bumuhos lalo ang mga luha niya habang pinapaintindi sa 'kin na totoong mahal niya ako. Na hindi niya ako ginagamit.

Pero wala akong maintindihan sa mga 'yon. Sarado na ang puso ko. Wala nang natitira pa sa 'kin. Inubos niya ako. Winasak niya ako nang buong-buo.

Ngayon alam ko na ang totoo-ang lahat lahat.

His game. His lies. His betrayal. My fucking stupidity.

How could I let this happen?

Actually, hindi pala. Alam ko nang mangyayari 'to. Ilang beses akong sinabihan ng mga tao sa paligid ko pero anong ginawa ko? Hindi ako nakinig. Pinaglaban ko pa siya. Bakit ko hinayaan ang sarili kong mahulog kahit alam kong may possibility na lokohan lang ang lahat?

I was so stupid.

Now I was certain.

He's a fucking Grim Reaper.

They don't belong in any of the Archetypes. They're a collection of everything and nothing. The most dangerous type. They're hard to decode because they show little signs, if at all. They tread between two worlds: they can be decent in one minute and then a lethal player in the next. They can be an accidental player-hindi sinasadya ang ginawa-or someone who shifts his interests around. Usually, reapers pursue their target ardently, then they will lure them and wait. Everything can be slow and gradual or fast and intense. At some point you'll think it's real and it's usually too late when you realize it's not. They can be serious or not kaya mahirap basahin.

The danger?

There's no way of finding out if they are playing you dahil unpredictable sila. Halos ikamamatay mo na lang ang sakit na dala nila. Kahit kasi ihanda mo ang sarili mo sa kanila, like death, you can't really escape the clutches of pain. You have no choice but to surrender and say you lost.

Tangina. Ang sakit. He got me going. Really played me good.

Shit.

Para akong tinutusok ng milyun-milyong kutsilyo ng sabay sabay. Pakiramdam ko, gumuguho ako. My knees weakened. With little strength I had left, I turned to walk away.

I knew what I saw with my own eyes. He was cheating on me. No amount of explanations could cover this up. Kahit kailan, hindi ko kayang patawarin 'yon. Daan-daang mga tanong ang umiikot sa isip ko pero hindi ko malaman kung ano ang uunahin ko. Napakasakit. Sobrang sakit.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang mga luha ko at ang panghihina ng buong katawan ko. Para akong pinapatay ng unti-unti. Nakakapanlumo.

Pinilit niya akong yakapin at pigilan but I used my entire weight to throw him away from me. He staggered a few steps and then I ran to the stairs. Wala na akong pakialam kung napakataas nitong floor na 'to. I'd jump if I could, just to get the fuck away from him. Kahit ikamatay ko pa? basta makalayo lang ako. I could hear him hot on my heels, calling my name and begging me to stop.

"Javee. Baby. Please. It's dangerous here. C'mon, please. Let's stop and talk. Please."

Lalong uminit ang dugo ko. I violently stopped, pulled the necklace he gave to me off my neck, and threw it at him. "Subukan mo akong sundan. Hindi mo magugustuhan ang gagawin ko sa inyo. Utang na loob. 'Wag mo 'kong sundan."

The desperation in my voice made him halt and I took that as my chance to get out of there. Nang makalabas ako ng condo, nagmamadali akong sumakay ng cab na tinawag ng guard para sa 'kin.

"Saan po tayo?"

"Anywhere but here. Please. Just drive, manong."

He was hesitant but did as told. We rode around in minutes until I realized I was getting nowhere. Ang nasa isip ko lang kasi, ang kagustuhan kong makalayo. I didn't know where to go. Hindi ako pwedeng umuwi. Hindi ko kayang harapin ang mga kapatid ko lalo na ang mga kaibigan ko.

Wala akong mapuntahan.

Humikbi ako at lalong napaiyak dahil sa awa na nararamdaman ko para sa sarili ko. I'd never felt so betrayed, hurt and terrified in my entire life.

My phone rang then, registering Angelo's name.

Suddenly, a spark of hope burned in me, only to be doused by cold realization in seconds.

I could go to him pero hindi ko gagawin. Ayokong may makakita sa 'kin habang ganito ako. Lalo na siya. I didn't wanna appear weak and dumb in front of them, most of all, him. I didn't wanna hear I told you so. I didn't wanna see the pity in their eyes. Angelo was one of the people who told me to break up with him. Bakit? Alam ba niya? Kailan pa? Bakit hindi niya sinabi sa 'kin? Bakit hindi niya ako diniretso?

Napamura ako sa sarili.

Natutuliro ako sa mga iniisip ko. Suddenly, I couldn't trust anybody. I was second-guessing every decision I made in my life; my confidence in myself, the one I prided myself with, was shattered in seconds. Gano'n lang kadali. Like bubbles, my happy life popped out of existence.

I hated this. I hated what I was turning into.

I sobbed and rejected Angelo's call. I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to get wasted, break things, and fucking forget.

Right then, nakapagdesisyon ako.

Sa pangatlong tanong ni manong, I gave him directions.

"Saan po ba tayo?"

"Sa Las Piñas po. Sa shooting range po tayo. "

Sa sakit na nararamdaman ko, parang gusto ko na lang mamaril. I wanted to break things, to lash out, to explode. Tutal nasira na ang lahat ng iningatan ko. Tutal walang wala na ako. For once, I wanted to destroy. Wala na akong pakialam sa kahit ano.

Fuck. He turned out exactly what my brothers said he would be and God knew just how much I hated myself for not listening to them. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang mas kinamumuhian ko-siya o ako.