Tahimik ang naging flight namin pauwi. Sinusuyo ako ni Racel buong magdamag pero hindi ako kumikibo. Galing sa airport, 'di na ko pumayag na ihatid niya ako. I called my driver and went home alone.

Sa mga sumunod na araw, lagi siyang nagpapakita sa bahay pero hindi ako lumalabas. Hindi pa ako handa. Sa tuwing nakikita ko siya, bumabalik sa 'kin yung mga narinig ko. Nasasaktan lang ulit ako. It was a miserable feeling. Hindi pa ako handa na marinig ang side niya at gusto ko rin na makapag-isip siya. He needed to realize what was wrong. Hindi yung dahil galit lang ako sa kanya.

Four days after our last vacation, he went to my house again to apologize. This time, mas nangibabaw sa 'kin ang feelings ko para sa kanya kaya kahit hindi pa ako handa, lumabas na ako para harapin siya. Dark clouds were rolling in fast. Ayokong abutan pa siya ng ulan doon dahil knowing him, baka hindi siya umalis. At isa pa, nandito ang mga kapatid ko. Sila pa nga ang tumawag sa 'kin para ipaalam na nandito nga siya.

"I told you I need time," sabi ko sa kanya.

"You said we'd talk but you refused to talk to me ever since we left Coron."

"I can't forget that easily, Racel. Just give me a few more days to clear my thoughts. Umuwi ka na muna, okay?" I could see the misery on his face and I softened. "I'm not going to break up with you so rest easy. I really just need to think."

"Can't you do it while you're with me?"

I shook my head. "Looking at you reminds me of what you said. Suddenly, you're not who you are anymore but what you said and I hate it. I wanna be able to look at you and see you for who you are. It's unfair to the both of us." I sighed, grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "Go home muna, okay? I'll call once I'm okay. I promise."

Tumalikod ako para pumasok sa bahay pero pinigilan niya ako at sabay niyakap mula sa likod. His arms wrapped around my body, trapping me and I could feel the weight of his head on my shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, baby. Please give me another chance." His voice broke. "I fucked up, got drunk. I don't know what got into me."

I removed his hold on me and turned to meet his eyes. I sounded so tired as I said, "Kahit kalian, hindi dahilan ang kalasingan. You still know what you're doing; you're still aware. So ano 'yon? Nalasing ka? Nakalimot ka? Nakalimutan mo ako, kung sino ako, yung pamilya ko, yung dugo ko? Sa tuwing nalalasing ka, nawawala ako?"

"I fucked up. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I'm so sorry."

I tilted my head. "Are you, really? Are you sorry? We need some time off for me to clear my head and for you to think. You need to think, realize and remember just who the girl you're claiming to love really is. I can't be that girl who keeps everything to herself for you. I can't just grin and bear it. I can't turn on my family for you. De Villa ako. Kapatid na nila ako bago mo ako nakilala. I'm a sister first before I'm your girlfriend. Pinaglaban na kita. Ang hinihingi ko lang, respeto man lang sana para sa kanila. Respeto lang sa 'kin kasi nasaktan ako. Nabastos ako. Ang mas masakit pa doon, hindi yung galing sa kanila kundi yung narinig ko sa 'yo. Ni hindi mo sila pinigilan. Gano'n pa rin ba tingin mo sa kanila? So all along, you still hated them even when you said you'd try to be okay with them? Was that a lie just to get me? Do you understand where I'm getting at?"

Huminga ako nang malalim. Heto na. Hindi ko na naman mapigilan ang emosyon ko.

"Okay. Okay lang. 'Di kita pipilitin mapatawad si Kuya Jacob. Those are your feelings but how can I continue dating you if you hate my family? Kung may pupuntahan 'tong relasyon natin, you'll be their family in the future. O wala ba 'yon sa plano mo? Are we dating for nothing kahit sabi mo may plano ka for us? At isa pa. Hindi mo tinama si Marco sa sinabi niya. Lahi ko rin 'yon. Gano'n din ba tingin mo sa 'kin? Are you living in some fantasy, trying to forget I am one of them? Then wake up. I can't take you back unless you accept everything of me-my baggage, my history, my family-all strings attached to me- because God knows how much I embrace you and love you, your flaws, your edges and everything in between. Is it too much to ask the same from you? I love you, Racel, but I love them so damn much too. Please. Please. Don't be like this to them."

Napahikbi ako at kasabay no'n ang pagbagsak ng mga luha ko. Niyakap niya ako nang mariin. Pakiramdam ko nga'y umiiyak na rin siya.

"Fuck. I'm so sorry, baby. It wasn't that I hate him. I just didn't like the what he does, what he did. It was injustice to Giselle, my own cousin. I only said that out of concern for her but that was in the past. I didn't mean what I said. I'd misspoken and made a mistake. I'm so sorry, baby."

"So you're defending your family and I'm defending mine. Gano'n na lang ba lagi? Kung gano'n, wala palang kahihinatnan 'tong relasyon natin in the future? Dapat ba tumigil na tayo?"

Humigpit ang kapit niya sa 'kin.

"No, no, don't say that. Galit ka lang. Don't make any decisions when you're mad, please. I'm sorry. I'll fix this. I'll make up for it. Punish me. Do whatever you want to me. Just don't leave me."

The way his voice tightened made my heart ache and before I knew it, I was wrapping my arms around him. "Pinagtatanggol kita lagi sa kanila dati. Please don't prove them right. Now, they've loosened up. They actually learned to respect you now, especially when I'm around. Please. Ikaw din. Kahit 'di na mga kasama mo. Ang importante lang sa 'kin yung opinion mo."

"Yes. Yes, baby. I promise. I'll fix this."

In the end, we still hadn't made up, not completely. We decided to meet again after a few days para makapag-ayos kami nang matino.

I made sure to wipe my eyes before going back inside the house. Kuya Andrei stopped dribbling the ball and studied my face. Sumulyap siya sa labas kung saan tumunog ang sasakyan ni Racel at humarurot paalis.

"Nag-away kayo?"

Tahimik lang si Kuya Jacob at hindi umiimik pero naghihintay ito ng sagot ko.

"Tampuhan lang."

Ngumisi si Kuya Chris. "That's normal. Kami nga ni Ara e. Every other week."

"You okay though?" Kuya Andrei asked again, passing the ball to me. I caught it easily and passed it back to him.

"I'm okay." I hope my voice sounded convincing enough because God knows how puffy my eyes were.

Kuya Jacob mumbled under his breath, turning to leave. "I hate that you're lying. You never had to before."

When he walked away to go back to his room upstairs, Kuya Chris walked closer to me and ruffled my hair.

"What did you guys fight about? Something serious?"

"Wala. Nonsense lang. Please don't ask."

"Hm. Okay." He nodded and grinned teasingly. "Naks naman. Dalaga na siya."

"I hope he's not being an asshole to you," Kuya Andrei added.

"He's not."

"Hindi ka dehado?"

Umiling ako.

A smile broke out on his face. "Then I've got nothing to worry about then."

See? Pinagtatanggol ko pa rin siya. Ayokong masira siya sa pamilya ko. Ayokong magkagulo sila. Alam ko maaayos pa kami. Magkaaway lang kami pero boyfriend ko pa rin siya. Mahal ko pa rin siya. Kahit kailan hindi ko ilalabas sa iba, kahit pa sa pamilya ko, ang mga hindi magandang bagay sa relasyon namin.

#

The girls found out about our feud two days after that. Hindi ko naman sinasadya. Kumakain kami ng brunch namin nang pinuna ni Ahron ang mood ko.

"Let me guess. Trouble in paradise?" she remarked, flicking one elegant brow at me.

Napatigil ako sa pagkain at bumuntong hininga. "That obvious?"

"Anong that obvious? Girl, you're making it no secret," piped in Anjo, throwing me an odd look.

"Oo nga, Jan. Ang tuliro mo nung isang araw pa," dagdag pa ni Maxxie habang pinagmamasdan ang mukha ko.

I sighed morosely.

"What happened?"

Hindi ko na napigilan. Ewan ko ba. Parang biglang may dam na gumuho sa loob ko at sunud-sunod ang paglabas ng luha sa mga mata 'ko. First time yata 'to na umiyak ako para sa lalaki. Kahit kay Avi, hindi. Mas lalong hindi kay Rohann kahit na siya ang greatest love ko nung high school. Ngayon lang.

All at once, panic exploded on their faces.

"Oh, shit. Nag-away nga kayo?" Nagmamadaling sinabi ni Anjo sabay tayo para lumapit sa 'kin. She patted my shoulders in a comforting way.

I wiped my tears away and briefly locked eyes with Hiromi who was sitting across from me. She averted her gaze and squeezed some sanitizer on her hands. Brokenhearted pa rin kasi ito kaya malamang mahirap sa kanyang makita na pati ako, nagkakaganito. I snapped my attention back to Ahron.

"Babe. Hindi ko alam gagawin ko."

"Ano bang nangyari?"

"I-" Biglang ayaw lumabas ng sasabihin ko. Lalo akong napaiyak kasi shit, kahit magkaaway kami, hindi ko talaga kayang sabihin sa iba ang mga sinabi niya.

"If you can't say it, then it's fine. Do you still love him is the question here."

Tumango ako. "I do. Sobra."

Our eyes locked. "Do you wanna fix it?"

"Yes."

"Does he wanna fix it?" tanong niya, probing eyes piercing.

Tumango ako.

"Is there another girl involved?"

"Wala naman."

Ahron shrugged. "Then fix it. If he didn't cheat on you then it's not worth breaking up for. It's probably just a misunderstanding. You can get over this. Marami na kayong pinagdaanan."

Maxxie tilted her head, dubious. "I don't agree, A. Hindi lang pagloloko ang reason ng break-up. Minsan irreconcilable differences din."

"Yes. But knowing the both of them, I don't think it's the case."

"Tingin mo ba deserving pa siya?" tanong ni Anjo.

"Yeah."

Tinapik niya ang mga balikat ko. "Then go, girl. Push lang! Sayang ang pinagsamahan n'yo."

It was their support that was circling in my head when I made the decision to go to his condo that night. I confirmed with Justin na nandoon nga siya. He even said nagmumukmok nga daw ito dahil hindi ko pa kinakausap.

I bought an ice cream from S&R for my peace offering and went straight to his place. However, to my surprise, nadatnan ko siyang nakaayos na at mukhang paalis na. Nagulat din siya nang makita ako.

"Oh, paalis ka pala. Sorry."

"Hey, get inside." Racel ushered me in.

I shifted on my feet. "Just thought... I should..." Inangat ko ang peace offering ko. I cast my gaze low dahil hindi ko alam pano sisimulan makipag-ayos.

"Thank you for this." He grabbed my face and kissed my forehead. "Can we talk later? I'll be back. Give me an hour. May susunduin lang ako." Racel pulled me to his chest and hugged me long and warm. "We'll fix this. I promise I'll be back. I just need to go somewhere."

"Where you going? May emergency ba?"

"No emergencies. May kailangan lang akong sunduin. Wait for me here?"

I nodded. He pecked my lips and left soon after. Habang wala siya, nilagay ko muna sa freezer ang binili ko. I preoccupied myself by watching Netflix, making something for us to eat, and when hindi pa rin siya nakakauwi an hour after, I immersed myself in the internet. At some point, nakatulog na nga yata ako.

Nung magising ako, wala pa rin siya. It's been three hours? Gumala-gala ako sa condo niya at pinagmasdan ang mga paintings. In the months in between, nadagdagan ang mga nakapost sa walls niya courtesy of his mother. Nadaanan ko ulit yung kay Fran Celle.

Napangiti ako nang maalala ko si Kuya Travis.

A Season's Walk.

Ano kaya ang iniisip niya nang ginawa niya ito? Were they really heading to the fall or to the cold?

Ilang minuto kong pinag-isipan 'yon bago napunta sa ibang paintings ang isipan ko. I even went over to his mini studio to take a look at his designs pero wala pa rin siya. It was going past 11 PM now. Magmamadaling araw na at hinahanap na ako ni Kuya Chris.

At this point, I was getting restless and annoyed. Ni text kasi, wala. I sent a text earlier bago pumasok sa studio niya pero wala naman reply.

I texted again.

Are you coming back anytime soon?

When he didn't reply within the next few minutes, I tried calling him pero unattended. I did it a few more times pero wala talaga. Bummed out, I left the condo. Ewan ko kung anong nangyayari sa kanya. He could have just left a message? Emergency ba ito na tinatago niya sa 'kin? I didn't know what was going on and it was making me anxious.

Sinubukan ko siyang tawagan bago ako mag-flag ng cab. He answered after three tries. Finally!

"Hey, baby. Sorry. May kinailangan lang akong asikasuhin. Are you still there? D'yan ka na matulog. Don't go out alone."

Bago pa 'ko makasagot, he cut me off again. "I really need to go, baby. Sorry. Talk to you when I get there later? I'll make it up to you. I promise. I love you."

The line went dead. Sa sobrang frustration ko, muntik kong maihagis ang phone ko. Dammit! Don't make promises you can't keep! Shit!

Disappointed, tired and irked, I dumped my apology letter to the nearest bin and flagged a cab. Maybe this was his punishment to me.