I missed Angelo. It worried me na even now, hindi niya pa rin ako kinikibo. December na. Christmas was in the air, pero ni isang text o paramdam coming from him, wala. Thinking he was in his man cave, I didn't force my way in. Iniisip ko na lang na hihintayin ko siyang i-sort out muna ang emotions niya bago siya kausapin ulit, though I did send a text to say I was sorry if I did anything to offend him, just to let him know I do care.

Napansin nga ni Kuya Andrei ang pagbabago daw sa mood ni Angelo. Kahapon nung kinamusta ko si Angelo, ang sabi niya he wasn't his obnoxious self daw. He was less cheerful and more sullen. Parang lagi daw may iniisip. When confronted about it, Angelo simply shrugged their inquiries off. Kuya thought baka daw may family problem kaya hindi na niya inusisa. He had no idea this cold behavior stemmed from our sembreak getaway.

Nag-aalala ako nang sobra. Actually, nakaka-paranoid din talaga. Si Angelo kasi 'yon, e. Super unpredictable na tao. Hinuhulaan ko pa lang kung ano ang nasa isip niya, kinakabahan na ako. Syempre, tumatak sa 'kin yung kakaibang request niya pero kasi naman. As much as he was important to me, Racel was on another level. I was in love with the guy. I couldn't just break up with him just like that. Kumbaga, hindi ko siya pinaglaban kina Kuya para lang mauwi sa wala ang lahat. I didn't go to hell for nothing.

And really, ang disorienting nung sinabi niya. It came from nowhere. As in, walang signs or preamble or anything that would explain why he acted that way. I was hella confused.

Nalulungkot tuloy ako. Angelo was a special part of my life. I really hoped he'd come around before Christmas.

#

The second week of December arrived with a bang for the boys. May sinalihan palang photography contest 'tong si Kuya Paul at lumabas na ang results last week. He didn't win the first place (isang film major from another school yung nanalo) but he came in second with additional special awards. Super tuwang tuwa sa kanya si Tito Matthew kaya binilhan ito ng yacht to celebrate his win.

The boys were eager to test it out kaya as soon as the yacht was available for use, nag-propose kaagad ng party 'tong si Kuya Paul. No drinking, though. Ayaw ni Tita Pauline but hey, a party with grilled steak was as good as any, according to them.

"I still can't believe you placed second, brah. Other than watching videos, may ibang talent ka pa pala," biro ni Kuya Jacob habang nag-iihaw ng ribs. Sa pagkakabanggit niya sa video, nagtawanan ang iba. No doubt he was pertaining to porn.

Kuya Paul flipped him the bird. "I didn't just win second, asshole. I won the heart of the people. Luto ang laban. Nanalo lang 'yon dahil may kapit."

"Bitter mo, gago. Be sport. 'Di lahat nadadaan sa backer. Maganda entry nung nanalo," sabi ni Kuya Onyx as he prepared the java rice. Nakasunod sa kanya si Gian na abala sa paglalagay ng baso sa table.

"I'm curious though." Lumingon ako kay Mathev. "Anong feeling?" May halong pambibiro ang tono ko habang tinuturo ko 'tong buong yacht.

Mathev glared at me while his brother placed an arm around his shoulders. Kuya Paul smirked. "This boy? He's been brooding since last week." Tumawa siya at tinapik ang ulo ng kapatid. "Better game up your grades if you wanna keep up, bro. What can I say? I'm just a fucking natural."

Sinuntok siya sa tagiliran ni Mathev at pinagmumura. Nakasimangot ito pero alam ko naman na nagbibiro lang 'yon. Mathev wouldn't really care if Kuya Paul got a yacht and he didn't. He could easily use this one without his brother knowing. In his words, hokage moves. And Kuya Paul wouldn't mind either way. They loved to share, kahit na dini-deny nila 'yon kapag tinatanong sila.

Sa kalagitnaan ng paglalaro nila ng poker, may dumating na text sa 'kin. It came from an unregistered number.

Hey, it's Maico. Rohann is returning to the States. He wants to see you before he does.

Hindi ako tanga. Rohann probably wanted to get rid of his guilt kaya niya ginagawa 'to. If he wasn't such a dumbass before, I would've given my forgiveness right away but then he started spouting nonsense about Racel. Hindi ko na kailangan pag-isipan 'to.

I was about to type 'No' when another message popped up. This time, from the devil himself.

For closure. Please.

It'll be the last time you'll hear from me.

Closure. Paulit-ulit sa isipan ko ang sinabi niya. Did I need any closure from him? Matagal na akong naka-move-on sa kanya. Wala na akong lingering feelings for him. No love, no hurt, not even bitterness. Inis lang, but that's because he was being a prick. Did I need it?

I didn't think so.

At least, that's what I thought until I realized that word bugged me for the rest of the night.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero may part pa rin sa 'kin na nagsasabing in the end, kailangan ko pa rin 'yon at matagal ko nang hinihintay 'yon. That hidden part of me that wanted to know why I was abandoned just like that. That ugly insecure part I tried to keep at bay all the time.

Ewan ko kung bakit ganito nararamdaman ko. I guessed I never really moved on from that bruise on my ego?

So without really thinking about the consequences, I typed my confirmation. Dammit. I knew I was being impulsive again but I couldn't do anything to stop myself.

#

I told Racel, and as expected, he was flabbergasted.

Nanonood kami ng movie sa condo niya nang sinabi ko sa kanya ang plans ko. I was curled up into his side, his hand moving up and down my arm in a comforting rhythm, when I dropped the news. His hold immediately stiffened and he moved away to take a good look of my face, his own crossed with pure disbelief and confusion.

"Why?" His hand was getting colder against my skin.

"For closure."

"But that was a long time ago. Why do you still need it?"

Nagkibit-balikat ako. Hindi ko rin sigurado kung pano sisimulan ipaliwanag sa kanya.

"I don't know either. Basta, parang may part lang dito sa 'kin na nag-ye-yearn na malaman yung totoo. Why he left-" I stopped myself and shook my head. "-why I was left behind. Kung may kulang ba sa 'kin noon. I just needed to fully patch up my bruised ego, if you get what I mean?"

He didn't, more like, he couldn't. His brows furrowed as he looked into my eyes, searching, reading, gauging.

"Walang kulang sa 'yo. Siya ang nang-iwan. Siya ang may problema."

"I know. I guess I just needed to hear that from him."

He took a deep breath and he placed both of hands on my arms. "That's all, right? Just closure?"

"Of course."

"Okay. I can't pretend that I understand this but okay. If you think you need it, I'll try to live with it."

I nodded. "But here's the thing. You can't be there." Bago pa siya magprotesta, nagsalita ulit ako, "I need to do it alone. For myself. Kapag kasi nando'n ka, ma-di-distract ako. Hindi ko masasabi lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. Siya din. So please? Trust me?"

He took another deep breath, weighing his options. Visible naman sa mukha niya na nahihirapan siya sa gusto kong mangyari but after minutes of long careful thinking, he conceded. Which made me love him even more dahil super understanding niya. Gets ko na sumosobra na ako sa mga hinihiling ko sa kanya. But I needed to do this for myself. Tapos nito, wala na. Puro siya na ang iisipin ko. Hindi na puro sarili ko lang.

Eventually, we moved away from that topic and he told me about this new thing he was working on. Apparently, may mga architects na bumibili ng designs niya para magamit nila 'yon. Nung una, nagtataka ako bakit binebenta niya ang designs niya. Ni walang credit na mapupunta sa kanya, and the sum he was getting wasn't really justified compared to what the architect would get once everything was finished. Nagkibit-balikat lang siya at pinaliwanag sa 'kin na hindi raw pera ang habol niya kundi ang makita lang na nagiging bahay talaga ang mga designs niya. May certain fulfillment daw doon kaya lalo niyang na-re-realize na 'yon talaga ang gusto niyang gawin.

Sa mga sinabi niya, lalo akong nainggit sa kanya. Racel was someone who knew exactly what he wanted and how to get there. While there was me, who was still struggling with the concept of my future, kasi hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong matinong idea sa kung ano ang gusto ko at mga pangarap ko.

Maybe that was why we clicked so much. We were so different that I often felt like I wanted to be more like him. With him by my side, my future was a little bit clearer and I was getting to know more parts of me that I wasn't even aware of. I felt more fulfilled. I guess that's what love is all about.

#

Finally, it's time to end the loose ends. I leaned back on the seat, trying to get comfortable and soaking up the familiar serene ambiance of the cafe. I kept my gaze low on my cafe latte, my mind full of unspoken words I wanted to get across.

Likewise, Rohann was quiet from across me, obviously just as conflicted as I was. We were quiet for a long while until he suddenly chuckled, breaking the tension.

My eyes snapped up to meet his.

"I can't believe this. Sa dami kong gustong sabihin sa 'yo, kahit isa wala akong masimulan." Huminga siya nang malalim at kinagat ang kabi. "But I guess I should thank you first huh? For agreeing to meet me."

"You did promise this is the last time I'll ever hear from you."

He sipped from his coffee, nodding. "Yeah. I'm going back to the States for good. Bumisita lang naman talaga ako ngayon. I've already built a life there but things were hectic at first. I've always wanted to go back and check up on you once everything cleared up. So here I am."

"What for? You said it yourself. You've already built a life there."

Rohann sighed. "I never meant to hurt you the way I did, Jamie. Believe me but I was a jerk and a coward and I know it's a dick move to say now that I did love you so much, naunahan lang ako ng takot."

"Takot saan?" I asked, not taking my eyes off him. "You left without a word. Not even a goodbye or anything that would explain why you abandoned me. And you say you loved me? Don't try to lick my wounds for me. I don't need it. Since we're doing this anyway, I want to hear nothing but the complete truth from you. So please. If you want this to work, just be honest to me."

"I am being honest," he said, desperation coloring his voice. "I did love you. You were the first girl I felt a connection with. Iba ka, e. You were strong, fierce and independent. That's what I loved and hated about you. And I also loved being your boyfriend. Our relationship was serious, perfect. But that's the thing. We were stable, too stable that I began to freak out. I wasn't ready to settle down. I was afraid I would hurt you in the long run or that being with you would limit my choices in life. Pretty stupid, I know, but I didn't know better then. I didn't know what I was letting go of. I thought dahil may girlfriend na ako, maraming mawawalang chances sa 'kin. Then, my family was also forcing me to build a life in the US. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to say anything to you. I was an asshole. Nung umalis ako, doon ko lang na-realize kung ano ang pinakawalan ko. But I didn't make a move to get you back kasi alam ko, you deserved better than me."

I deflated at his words. I was starting to think it was a wrong idea to meet him. Parang bumalik sa 'kin lahat ng kirot at sakit na naramdaman ko nang iniwan niya ako. "You thought I was going to limit your choices? So you said it then. I wasn't enough for you. You felt I was a burden."

"No, that's not it," he hurriedly said. "I was afraid of you. You came from a good family. You had your brothers. You were also the best in everything you did. Ako? Wala lang ako. I got scared of the pressure and expectations. I couldn't handle how independent you were. And honestly, you didn't need me. That's what I felt."

"Was that so wrong? To be independent?"

"It's not. But back then, I was a dumb motherfucker. I didn't know shit. So when I chickened out, I left without saying anything to you. Kasi alam ko. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko kayang makipag-break sa 'yo but at the same time, alam ko rin na hindi ko kayang mag-stay with you. 'Di rin kasi ako sigurado kung kakayanin ko ang LDR. I regretted a lot of my choices when it came to you, Jamie. I swear. But looking at you now, it only proved one thing to me. You never really needed me. Look at you. Look how strong you are. You didn't change at all-wait, you did change. You're a better version of yourself than when I first met you. You're beautiful, fiercer than ever, and fucking more independent than I'd known you to be."

I scoffed and shot back, my voice rising an octave, "You can only say that now kasi hindi ko ako nakita noon. You hurt me so bad, Rohann. Akala ko katapusan na ng mundo ko noon. I thought I was really in love with you kaya nung umalis ka, halos gumuho ako but looking back now, I realized that couldn't have been love. Something so selfish and miserable could never be love. You were just a passing phase, compared to what I'm feeling right now. But I didn't know that then. You totally wrecked me then. Halos ipapatay ka nina Kuya sa sobrang galit nila sa 'yo dahil sa ginawa mo sa 'kin."

"I know," he said in shame, casting his head low. "And for that, I'm truly truly sorry."

Huminga ako nang malalim. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko kaya kinuyom ko ang mga 'yon. Pinipigilan ko ang atake ng mga luha sa mata ko dahil hoshet lang, hinding hindi na ulit ako magiging mahina para sa lalaking 'to.

Clearing the emotion on my face, I continued in a much steadier voice, "And you're wrong. I did need you then. I needed you a lot to the point that I changed and lost myself when I was with you; and then, when you left, I simply just stopped functioning properly. Kaya nung umalis ka, doon ko na-realize na hindi na ako magiging mahina. Hindi ko na iaasa ang sarili ko sa iba. If anything, you bailing on me was what ultimately taught me how to be stronger. So I guess I should thank you for that."

A soft ghost of a smile made its way on his rugged face. "It becomes you. Looking at you makes me regret even more why I even left. But don't worry. I won't beg for you to come back to me. Believe it or not, I did learn how to become mature in the years we weren't together."

I kept quiet, taking his words in. Tumango ako at hinayaan siyang magpatuloy.

"Ang pinagtatakhan ko lang, why are you with Racel now?"

Kumunot ang noo ko sa tanong niya. I was clearly offended on behalf of Racel kaya nagmamadali niyang sinabi:

"I'm not going to talk trash. I just want to know."

"It just happened." I shrugged.

"You're really in love with him?"

"Yes."

He drew another deep breath. "I hope you won't get hurt this time. But Jamie, if you can, while you still can, I hope you'd leave him na lang. You deserve so much better."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" I said in annoyance.

He raised a brow at that. "Everyone?"

"Basta. Ano bang pinanggagalingan n'yan?"

"I know the guy. He's not someone who'd go after something so extreme unless he's got something up his sleeve. And you are in the extreme side. I just don't think he'll go out of his way to pursue you just because he likes you. There's something here. You do realize he's got history with your family?"

"Of course. We've talked about it."

"And still, you kept the relationship?"

"Look. I'm not here to discuss my current relationship with you. So if you're done, tell me so I can leave."

"No, sorry. Fine, I'll stop."

Binalot kami ng katahimikan.

"Just tell me this, Rohann. Nagkulang ba ako sa 'yo noon?"

"Fuck no. You were every good thing that happened to me. You were wonderful. Kaya nga inagaw kita noon kay Avi, tanda mo pa ba? I had a huge fist fight with the guy just to have you."

"What? Hindi ko alam 'yon."

"Well, now you do. I guess what I want out of this closure is, to tell you, I really am thankful for everything you did for me. And I'm really really sorry."

Huminga ako nang malalim. For the first time in many years, I smiled at him. "Same. Thank you for letting me know how to differentiate love from infatuation, for teaching me how to be stronger, for being a lesson to me. And sorry I made things hard for you."

"Never. So friends?"

"Hm," I hummed in contemplation. Pwede naman. Willing ako, lalo na't tied na lahat ng loose ends at narinig ko na ang lahat ng gusto kong marinig. But I couldn't do that now, especially since I was still in the process of understanding what he just told me. Ayoko rin naman magbigay ng halfhearted promise. At isa pa, I didn't think Racel would appreciate it if we'd suddenly be chummy after this. "Probably not now. But maybe in the future. In time, we'll get there."

'Pag parehas na kaming handa.

Rohann smiled appreciatively. Somehow, despite myself, I smiled as well because damn, I missed that look. No matter how much he hurt me, no matter how much I cursed his name post-break up, I couldn't just erase the fact that we had a history. How could I ever forget that once upon a time, I liked this boy more than I liked myself, so much so I was willing to forget my virtues? Yeah, we've had our ups and downs but there were also many good memories to remember. For a long time, they've been buried and overshadowed by the heartbreak I felt, but I guessed now that everything's been said and done, kasabay ng pagbalik ng lahat ng sakit na binigay niya sa 'kin, bumabalik din yung mga magaganda at masasayang alaala namin, even yung mga reasons why I liked him in the first place. With this in mind, he wasn't really so bad. He's still that same boy.

Do I regret going out with him?

No, never. Rohann was also a part of my life I needed to experience. He was a lesson I needed to learn, and I learned well. Kasi without that dark time in my life, I wouldn't be the same person I was today.

"I'll take what I can get," Rohann said, reaching a hand out.

After we were done, we shook hands and parted ways but this time, in a much different vibe. Nawala na ang bigat na dala-dala ko since high school. Now I felt free, enlightened, and more ready to love without inhibition. I honestly didn't need a guy to validate my self-esteem and whatnots, but I'd admit it felt great to put an end to an unfinished story and close a certain page of my life.

Because it only meant readiness to write the next chapter of the book.