Racel didn't really say it, at least not in so many words, but I knew he was bothered by my ex. Sa totoo lang, gusto ko rin sanang alamin kung ano ang history nilang dalawa but I decided against it since he was obviously not cool with bringing up my history.

He wasn't that blatant about it but it was the little changes in his actions that gave him away. Minsan, nakikita ko siyang pinagmamasdan ako kada may nagte-text sa 'kin o tumatawag. May mga pagkakataon din na parang may gusto siyang sabihin o itanong pero kapag pinapansin ko 'yon ay bigla na lang siyang nananahimik. Add those to the fact that I hadn't seen him at all this week. What he was up to, I had no idea. Sabi niya may kailangan lang daw siyang ayusin. Pero pakiramdam ko talaga dahil kay Rohann 'to. Why else would he be acting this way, dodgy, cryptic and somewhat distant? Minsan pa nga, he was coming across as cold like something was occupying his mind and I was distracting him from it.

I didn't like the feeling one bit. If this was his jealousy rearing its ugly head, I didn't want it.

Ayoko na nga sanang mag-dwell. Rohann was a piece of my past-someone who taught me how to be stronger and better. Pero 'di ko pa rin maiwasan na mainis sa tuwing naiisip ko na kahit 'di niya sinasadya ay naaapektuhan niya ang relasyon ko kay Racel.

One time, I finally snapped and decided to confront the matter head-on. Racel was surprised by my question.

"What?" nalilito niyang tanong.

We were inside his BMW. After days without properly talking to each other (puro saglit na video calls lang), we agreed to go to his condo for a movie marathon to make up for the lost time. Okay na sana but his tensed silence throughout the rest of the ride irked me that I just had to speak up.

"May problema ba tayo?" I repeated, patiently staring at the puzzled expression on his face.

He turned to me, the gap between his brows creasing. "Wala. Why do you ask that?"

"You're not acting like yourself. Okay naman tayo after nung birthday celebration mo. But ever since you went to that corporate party with your family, you've been different. Whatever happened there, something changed between us. Did something happen?"

His eyes lost focus for a second, and for a brief moment, I thought he paled. He averted his gaze and brought his attention back on the road. "Nothing's wrong, baby. I was just thinking."

"About?" I urged, careful not to sound like I was prying.

"Some unimportant things. They're nothing, really." I knew he was trying to make his tone sound casual enough but I could still hear the reluctance in them.

"They don't seem unimportant to me." I softened, "This isn't about Rohann, is it?"

Sa sinabi ko ay mas nagulat siya. Mabilis siyang bumaling sa 'kin. "Rohann? What? Ginugulo ka ba niya?"

"What? No, no!" mabilis kong sagot. "I guess I was thinking if, well, he was bothering you."

Understanding dawned on him and his tight expression relaxed as he sighed in relief. He shook his head. "No, not anymore. We've already talked about it and I already drilled sense into him anyway."

My brows raised in confusion. "Meaning, what exactly?"

The barest of smiles took over his lips. "I told him to fuck off and leave you alone. That's not a bad thing, is it?"

That would explain why I hadn't received any more news about him. No more texts, friend requests, or messages on any social media. After that night we met kasi, Rohann tried to contact me but days after that, he suddenly stopped. Akala ko nagsawa na lang siya sa kaka-snub ko sa kanya. May iba pa palang dahilan.

"And? Hindi naman kayo nagkagulo? I hope you didn't punch your way into things." I searched his face for any signs of bruise or cut. Wala naman.

I drew a sigh.

Tumawa siya. "I'm not like your brother. Although muntik na ngang mauwi doon."

My shoulders tensed. "What?"

He shook his head, chuckling. "But it didn't so don't worry. I'm really fine."

Umiling-iling ako, clearly not pleased. "So, kung hindi si Rohann, what's been bothering you? I've been seeing you less and less these days. I feel like I did something wrong."

Racel reached out and laced his fingers through mine. "You did nothing wrong. May inaasikaso lang ako lately. I didn't mean to neglect you or make you feel that way. Things at home were just hectic these days. Forgive me?" He gave me his version of puppy eyes.

Gutierez puppy eyes.

Holy fudge.

My insides melted into a puddle. How could I say no to that? Kahit wala siyang gawin, sure akong pinapatawad ko na siya. Damn.

I tilted my face. "You're sure it's not about me or us?" I asked, still skeptic.

He kissed my palm. "No, baby. It's nothing. I promise I'll handle it."

I wasn't convinced but I said, "Okay, then. I forgive you."

He was clearly hiding things from me but if he didn't want me to know, then I wouldn't press on. He'd tell me in his own time. I knew better than to force a guy to spill the beans anyway. That's a lesson I learned early on from my brothers. So I'd be patient with him like how he'd always been with me.

This time, I'd wait.

#

Maliban kay Racel, may iba pa akong inaalala. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ako hindi papansinin ni Kuya Jacob. Sa tuwing magtatama ang mga tingin namin, gustung-gusto ko siyang yakapin. I could beg for his forgiveness forever. Pero hindi ko magawa-gawa dahil ayokong pilitin siyang makipagbati.

Hanggang kailan kaya kami ganito? I missed my brother so damn much. Hindi ako sanay na may tumatagal kaming alitan. Dati naman kasi ay hindi namin pinalilipas ang away. We'd always reconcile before we go to bed. Ngayon ko nararamdaman kung gaano talaga ako ka-dependent sa kanya.

But I tried to make things better between us. Sa simpleng mga bagay lang. Sometimes I'd bake his favorite mocha cake. Minsan ay mag-iiwan ako ng lasagna sa ref para makain niya. I never gave those in person. Laging indirect kasi alam kong tatanggihan niya kung ako mismo ang magbibigay. Sa una, nakaka-disappoint kasi hindi niya pinapansin. Now, it was slightly better. He took notice of the graham cake I made for him three days ago. Pasimple lang niyang kinuha and I pretended I didn't see it while he was doing so. Mahirap na. Baka magbago pa isip niya.

Kuya Andrei even joked about my efforts once. Nagseselos daw siya at puro si Kuya Jacob lang ang sinusuyo ko. Dapat daw ay nagpanggap siyang galit din sa 'kin.

Tumawa lang ako at inasar siya kay Cari. It worked naman 'cause he didn't try to bring it up again. Even now, hindi ko ma-gets kung ano na bang stand nilang dalawa. Were they lovers pretending to be friends or friends who were once lovers? Ewan ko.

My cousins were, decidedly, more vocal with what they feel. Kung tutuusin, summer na. Dapat ay sama-sama kaming mag-swi-swimming pero dahil may problema nga ay kanya-kanyang vacation na lang tuloy kami. I went out with my brothers once, twice with my friends, and once with Racel bago yung corporate party nila. Sa ikalawang buwan ng summer, I lost all hope na makakabati ko pa ang mga pinsan ko. At least, not anytime soon.

Naiintindihan ko na naiinis pa rin yung iba sa 'kin. Gian, mostly. He left our group chat on Whatsapp. Si Kuya Paul naman, kahit kinakausap ako ay halatang hindi pa rin natutuwa sa relasyon ko kay Racel. Kuya Onyx was surprisingly mum about the whole thing. Pinapansin niya ako pero iniiwasan niyang mapag-usapan ang nangyari. It felt awkward whenever I'd wind up with him kasi feeling ko we were avoiding the elephant in the room.

Si Mathev, well, I didn't have much interaction with him lately. Busy ito sa summer camp niya. Maybe he was avoiding me. I was convinced he was avoiding me.

Until he showed up at our house one night.

Katatapos ko lang kausapin sa Skype si Pierre no'n nang tumunog ang door bell. I answered the door on the third ring. Imagine my surprise when Mathev suddenly walked in, a grin plastered on his face, a bottle of Chivas Regal in his right hand.

"Yo, Jav," he greeted as he slung an arm around my shoulders and pushed me back inside the house.

He didn't reek of alcohol naman but I had to ask to make sure. Galit pa ito sa 'kin kaya malabong kikibuin ako nito. So there was only one reason why he'd do this.

"Mathe, are you drunk?"

Tumawa siya. "Not yet." Luminga-linga siya. "Nasaan si Andrei?"

"Nasa taas. Aalis ba kayo?" It was already eleven p.m. Wala naman akong narinig kay Kuya Andrei na aalis sila ngayon. And I doubt he'd leave the house, not when kaming dalawa lang ang nandito ngayon. Kuya Travis stepped out with Kuya Chris earlier. Si Kuya Jacob naman, doon sa condo ni Kuya Andrei matutulog. Kung bakit ay hindi ko alam.

"'Di naman."

"Then why...?"

"Why am I here?" Mathev finished and stepped away from me, his smile widening, "Bakit? 'Di mo ko na-miss? Ako, na-miss kita!" He side-hugged me again, "Kaya iinom tayo!"

Pinagmasdan ko siyang mabuti. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko sa idea na posibleng 'di na siya nagtatampo sa 'kin. "You seem drunk, Mathe."

"Gags, hindi. Ayoko lang magpaka-awkward sa 'yo. We were never awkward, yeah? Nagsasawa na akong hindi ka makulit kaya heto. I finally gave in," sabi niya at pinisil ang ilong ko.

Was I hearing this right? Was this him making amends?

Due to my lack of response, the smile on his lips faded. "Unless may gagawin ka? May lakad ka ba?"

"Wala naman," nagmamadali kong sagot, umuusbong na rin ang ngiti sa labi. Oh, my God. "Wait. Tatawagin ko lang si Kuya Andrei. Kaso wala dito yung iba, a. Kaming dalawa lang."

"Okay na 'yon. I invited others anyway." Tumawa siya at lumapit sa hagdanan. "Andrei, get your ass down here! Geon and Steel will be here in twenty!"

It took a full minute before the door to my brother's room opened and out he went, peeking a head around the staircase to look down at us.

"What the hell do you want?" Kuya Andrei grumbled. His hair was disheveled. Parang naistorbo yata namin ang tulog niya.

"Gago, mag-ayos ka. Party time, dude!" Mathev laughed, raising the liquor in his hand.

A grin was on my face now. "I'll fix us something to eat. Wait there na lang," sabi ko sabay turo ng sala.

"Yes, boss!" sumaludo si Mathev at naglakad papunta sa bar para kumuha ng mga baso. Ako naman, halos kumaripas ng takbo papunta sa kitchen. I was giddy. Hoshet. Totoo ba 'to? It was just one cousin but it was a progress, right? If he could forgive and forget, sigurado akong may chance din na maayos ko pa yung sa iba.

With that in mind, I grabbed every food in the fridge that I could get my hands on. 'Di bale na kung mapagalitan. I was determined to treat my cousin tonight!

#

Steel and Angelo arrived in less than an hour. Sa may pool kami tumambay habang umiinom. Hindi ko mapigilan ang ngiti ko sa tuwing lumalapit si Mathev para kulitin ako. Parang walang nangyari. Parang hindi siya nagtampo. Parang wala akong ginawang mali. He was back to the old Mathev I grew close to, that cousin I loved to tease and hit.

From the corner of my eye, alam kong pinapanood kami ni Angelo. He was grinning from ear to ear, his happiness for me clear as any day.

Nang mapabaling ako sa kanya, kumindat ito. Tumawa ako at tinuro ang shot glass niya.

"Cheers!" sigaw niya bago ininom 'yon at tumalon sa pool.

Oh, Angelo. Sweet and thoughtful Angelo. Sa tuwing binabalikan ko ang naging usapan namin nung nakaraan, lalo akong natutuwa na nakilala ko siya. He was a great flirt but he wasn't so bad. In fact, he was a really really really good friend. Bestfriend. Kind of.

Not that Lhyle was lacking. He'd been most supportive during this whole ordeal. He filled the gap that my cousins left behind. Sa tuwing na-mi-miss ko ang boys, siya ang nagpapaalala sa 'kin na kahit anong mangyari, 'wag akong susuko na ibalik ang dati naming samahan.

Like yesterday. He made this whole litany about boys being boys and that as the one who understands my family the most, dapat ay wag akong masyadong panghinaan ng loob.

"Don't underestimate your bond," sabi niya.

In fact, idea niya nga na suyuin ko si Kuya Jacob kahit indirect lang. Kung ako lang kasi, I wouldn't have the guts to push through with it dahil natatakot akong ma-disappoint at masayang ang effort. Lhyle persuaded me to try and so far, I was glad that I did.

I dangled my feet over the pool and played with the water using my feet. The sound of the faint music was enticing to my ears. I ran my thumb along the rim of my shot glass, thinking na mas masaya sana ito kung nandito rin ang iba.

Mathev swam toward me and reached out for the glass placed right beside me.

"Why don't you swim with us?" tanong niya.

"Mamaya siguro. In-e-enjoy ko pa ang moment, e," I replied honestly while watching my brother wrestle with Steel and Angelo.

"Nye. Ang tanders mo naman pakinggan."

That made me laugh. Then I said in wonder, "Bakit ka pala biglang napapunta today? What changed? I thought... I thought galit ka pa sa 'kin."

He looked at me for good measure then a soft look settled on his face. "Sabi ko naman sa 'yo, 'di ba? Na-miss kita. Pag-uwing pag-uwi ko galing sa camp, nagpunta na 'ko dito. Sasama sana si Paul kaso may nauna na siyang lakad."

"Biglaan mo lang naisipan na magpunta ngayon?" I said, equal parts surprised and confused.

Mathev scratched his head, a dust of pink staining his cheeks. "Actually, not biglaan. Plano ko na 'to, matagal na. Since, you know. Kaso nahihiya ako. 'Di ko alam kung paano ka lalapitan after avoiding you sa school. Sorry nga pala do'n."

Ang tinutukoy niya, yung sinubukan ko siyang kausapin nang magkasalubong kami sa campus. Fresh pa ang away namin ni Kuya Jacob no'n. Kakaalam lang nila ng relasyon namin ni Racel kaya naintindihan ko naman kung bakit lumayo kaagad si Mathev kahit tinatawag ko siya. Pinansin naman niya ako. Pero obvious pa rin na 'di siya kumportableng kausapin ako no'n.

"Nothing to be sorry about. Kasalanan ko rin naman. But I'm really glad you came today. Super na-a-appreciate ko. Tsaka sorry na rin for lying to you guys."

Mathev stared at me intently, the smile on his face flickering into a grin. "'Wag mo na masyadong isipin 'yon. Wala na sa 'kin 'yon. At yung iba, pabayaan mo na. Matatauhan din sila."

"'Di ka na ba nagtatampo sa 'kin?"

"'Di na. Nagtampo, yeah. Pero alam mo naman ako, e. 'Di kita matitiis. Not that I like your relationship with that douche but I guess I shouldn't punish you for what you feel. Kung saktan ka man no'n, pupulbusin ko na lang siya," he said then laughed, though his tone was light and humorous, I felt the seriousness of his threat.

"He won't," sagot ko. "He promised me and I believe him."

"Then I'll believe you. I don't trust him but I'll trust you this time."

Dahil doon, napangiti ako.

"Sana ganyan din ang iba. Gian's still very mad at me," I said with a wistful sigh.

"'Yon? Sus. Wag mo masyadong iniintindi ang kupal na 'yon. Siya ang unang nagagalit pero siya din naman ang unang tumitiklop. Parang si Jacob lang 'yan. 'Di naman na galit pero 'di makalapit kasi nahihiya. Mga duwag, e. 'Di tulad ko." Tumawa siya sa sinabi niya at nilagok ang shot niya.

Grinning as well, I dipped my hands into the water and splashed some on him. Before I knew it, hinatak na niya ako sa tubig at sinusubukang lunurin.

We did shots well into the morning. Past one na pero umiinom pa rin kami. Wala na kami sa pool. Nakaupo na kami sa edge, jamming to the song Mathev was playing in his guitar.

Naubos na namin ang dala-dala niyang Chivas Regal kaya tumayo ako at kinuha ang towel. I dried my hair before ambling into the house to get another bottle of alcohol. 'Di ko namalayan na sumunod pala si Angelo sa 'kin. Namumula na ang kumag. Lasing na.

"Lakas ng loob mo mag-swimming ha. May dala ka bang damit?" I joked to him, flinging the towel toward him. He easily grabbed it and placed it over his head.

"Yup. I have spare things in my car," he answered.

I grabbed the bottle from the bar then I headed to the kitchen to get our refill of inihaw.

Angelo leaned against the counter habang pinapanood niya akong maghiwa ng liempo.

"Bakit ka ba sumunod sa 'kin?" tanong ko without looking at him.

"I don't really know," sabi niya nang tumatawa. "I think I'm already pissed."

Ngumisi ako at sinulyapan siya. "Obviously. Dito na kayo matulog ni Steel. Sa guest room. I can't let you go home drunk."

He flashed his lopsided grin. "Dammit, Jamie V. That sounds so domestic."

"Psh." I placed the knife onto the sink, grabbed the plate and bottle, and turned to walk back to the pool yard when Angelo caught my wrist, keeping me in place.

"Wait lang. Dito muna us," he said. "I wanna clear up my head lang."

"How much have you drunk anyway?" Binaba ko ulit ang plato at bote sa counter at kumuha ng tubig. I filled the cup and handed it over to him, which he downed in one go.

He was already bleary-eyed and unsteady pero nagagawa pa rin makipagbiruan ng kumag.

"You wanna sleep na? Ako na lang kukuha ng gamit mo sa kotse," I offered.

"Nah, I'm good. Just gimme a mo." He placed a hand over his head. "Shit, didn't think I'd get this drunk."

I studied him carefully in worry. "Ang lakas n'yo kasi ni Steel, e. Ayan tuloy."

Tumawa siya. "Yet your brother doesn't seem affected at all."

"He barely gets drunk. Ba't kasi sinabayan mo pa." I clicked my tongue.

"Wala e. I'm just happy for you."

"For me?"

"You're cool na with your pinsan, yeah? I was celebrating for you."

"Baliw ka talaga," I said, leading him to sit in one of the chairs.

Angelo looked up to me, his gaze warm and rapturous on mine. "Didn't know you're the maalaga type," biro niya.

"Youngest and only girl. I had to be." Kinuha ko ang tuwalya at tinuyo ang buhok niya. Kahit kasi umahon na kami, this boy stayed in the pool and kept swimming around. "Hindi ka ba nilalamig?"

"Oh, believe me, Jamie V. I feel rather hot right now." He stopped the movements of my hands with his own.

Medyo na-self-conscious ako do'n kaya napabitaw ako sa kanya. I took a step back, frowning.

Noticing my reaction, he backtracked and laughed quietly. "Sorry, bad joke." Then he tipped his head back, leaning it against the counter, and sighed. "Jesus, why do I feel so happy right now? I feel like I can die today."

Holy shit. Gaano ba kadami ang nainom nito?

"Uy, wag gano'n! Marami ka pang gagawin in the future."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Graduate from uni, syempre. Find a job. Make your family proud," I said, adding, "Tsaka you haven't fallen in love yet. Hahanap ka pa ng girl na makakapagpatino sa 'yo."

He snorted as if I said something disgusting. "Jamie V, some of us don't need that shit in our future. I sure don't."

"Why not? It will make you happy."

"So? I'm happy with you na."

"Sira. Iba 'yon."

"Iba nga ba?" He laughed again. "Joke lang. I mean to say, I'm already happy with my friends. I don't need a girl to make my life worthwhile." The rest of that was spoken in a rueful tone.

Doon ko napagtanto. Tahimik and subtle ang personality ni Racel but he can be very expressive lalo na 'pag ginusto niya. It's really Angelo who gets me. He's the verbal one. Sobrang playful and mischievous. But come to think of it, I knew very little of him.

Tinitigan ko siyang mabuti. "Bakit ba ayaw mo ng commitment?"

He shrugged flippantly. "I like this life. No complications."

"What if you're just scared?"

He looked away, a solemn look on his face. His hands balled into fists. "In my world, Jamie V, there's no such thing as love or happy ever after. I don't believe in fantasies. They don't work for us." He looked back to me. "My family is messed up, see. Where I came from that concept is nothing but a silly tale. All my relatives, lahat sila they ended up shit. Fucked up. My uncles cheated, all of them and my aunts, well, none of them ever had stable relationships. Either they cheated or got cheated on. It's always one or the other. And my family? 'Di kami broken but it may as well be like that. You can thank that sod I call my father for that. They're all pigs. And I'm just like them."

"No, you're not," I interrupted.

He only shook his head. "I am. I can feel it. But I don't want to be. I don't want that kind of life. So I might as well save whoever that girl would be the trouble. Kagaguhan runs in my blood. I embody that. It's my being. Not committing is the only way I can stop this stupid cycle."

My head reeled at the information and I started to piece them together inside my head. Why Angelo hated commitments, why he never really went far with his escapades, why he didn't date around and just only ever flirt with girls. It all made extra sense now. All this time, he was scared of himself. Scared of love, scared of hurting, scared of getting hurt.

Suddenly, I was looking at him in a new light.

"You're not like them. 'Di ka tulad nila. You're not a cheater," I said gently. "And what you just said is proof enough."

Angelo looked back at me, silver eyes smoldering and intense. "Not really. I'm exactly like them. No girl can ever keep my fascination, Jamie V. Believe me, I've tried but I can't help it. Girls bore me easily. Not only can't I settle down with one, my attention quickly jumps from one girl to another. I don't do love. I can never do. I'm a fuckin' douche. This is the real me."

Parang kumikirot ang puso ko sa admission niya. He looked so broken and frustrated at himself for being the way he was.

He said he was a douche but all I could see was a good man. Beneath the surface ran something deeper. Sa likod ng mga ngiti niya ay mabibigat na problema. Beyond the man that he was hid a hurt kid, traumatized by his family situation.

"This may sound bullshit to you but I really hope you'll find her someday, Angelo. A girl who can heal you."

"I hope not. Masasaktan ko lang siya whether I like it or not."

"You're a good person and you helped me a lot. Sana lang nakikita mo kung ano ang nakikita ko when I look at you."

Our gazes met, then.

"What do you see ba?" he whispered.

"Someone worth the try. Every shot of the way," I said with conviction.

The anguished look disappeared, giving way to a mischievous lopsided grin. "Don't fall in love with me."

Tumawa ako. "I could say the same about you."

"I know," he said in a distant voice. "This way is better anyway. Way, way better."

Naputol ang usapan namin nang pumasok si Mathev, hinahanap kami. When he asked what was taking us so long, I shrugged and said Angelo was too drunk to go back inside.

Tumawa lang ang kumag. He was more sober then, even claiming he was ready for round two. Gano'n gano'n lang ay parang wala kaming malalim na pinag-usapan. In fact, he'd become more makulit, a disarming grin already in place, but I couldn't help but think what if everything was just a facade to cover up what he truly felt? His charm was a diversion, a wall carefully constructed to protect himself.

His words kept on ringing over and over in my head. In his drunk stupor, Angelo revealed his heart to me and I ached for him. Totoo nga talaga ang kasabihan. The prettiest smiles hide the deepest scars. And I wished I could do something for him like he'd done for me. He was already a big part of my life, almost like a brother, and I hated to think he was hurting all this time and I didn't do anything to help.