Halos hindi ako nakatulog kakaiyak. Namumugto at pulang pula ang mga mata ko kinabukasan nang bumaba ako. Una kong hinanap si Kuya Jacob kay Kuya Andrei na kasalukuyang kumakain ng breakfast sa dining room.

Hindi niya muna ako sinagot. "Hey," bati niya sa malambing na boses. "Join me. Kumain ka na muna."

Umiling ako. "Gusto kong makausap si Kuya Jacob, Kuya. Umalis na ba siya?" paos kong sagot.

"Nasa taas pa. 'Di pa bumababa." Tinuro niya ang mga pagkain sa hapag. "C'mon. Join me here."

Tumango ako at umupo sa harap niya. Our helper hurriedly brought the plate and glasses in front of me. Then, Kuya placed the food on my plate after seeing I wouldn't even touch the utensils. Tulala ako at sobrang blangko habang ginagawa niya 'yon.

Hindi ako makakain. Wala akong gana. Sobrang sakit pa rin ng nararamdaman ako. I thought I'd become numb but I didn't.

"Javee," Kuya Andrei called out, sighing. "You have to eat. You can't be like this."

I slowly raised my gaze to meet his. "Hindi ka ba galit sa 'kin?"

"No," mabiling niyang sagot.

"Bakit?"

He creased his forehead. "Do I have to?"

"I lied to you."

"You didn't need to tell us anything," sabi niya. "And besides, I kind of figured it out long time ago."

At this, my eyes widened. "Pa'no?"

"It was obvious. You changed after that Youth Camp. I wasn't really sure what was going on but I had a hunch."

I stuttered, "Bakit 'di ka nagsabi?"

"It was your life. Ayokong makialam sa mga desisyon mo. I trusted you at ayoko ring makadagdag pa sa mga iniisip mo. It must've been hard enough for you."

"Must've broken your trust, too, huh?" I sighed, rubbing my temple.

"You didn't," agad niyang sagot. "You can't break my trust even if you try."

Namuo ulit ang mga luha sa mga mata ko. Kuya Andrei was smiling so gently at me, so comfortingly. Sana ay ganito rin ang naging reaction ni Kuya Jacob. Why couldn't we just make up and move on? Bakit kailangang umabot kami sa ganito?

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Sorry," I could only say, wiping the tears that threatened fall. I felt so weak and vulnerable and I hated it.

"No need to be sorry. Now, please. Eat, bago pa kita isumbong kina Mom," he replied, trying to sound casual.

I nodded and picked up the spoon and fork. Mahirap pero pinilit kong kumain kahit kaunti lang. Pakiramdam ko'y isusuka ko ang lahat pero hindi ko pinahalata 'yon. Ayokong mag-alala pa si Kuya Andrei.

After breakfast, saktong bumaba si Kuya Jacob. He was cold, his expression hardened, as he walked past the table and went into the kitchen. Hindi niya ako pinapansin. Kahit lingunin ako ay hindi niya ginawa.

Sinundan ko siya sa kitchen. He took a bottle of water from the fridge, drank it, and walked out again without so much as a backward glance. Dumiretso siya papanhik ng kwarto niya. I followed after him kahit hindi niya ako kinikibo.

"Kuya, can we talk?" tanong ko nang umabot kami sa kwarto niya.

He slammed the door shut. Right in my face. I winced at the sound and clenched my shaking hands into fists.

Pag-tingin ko sa hagdan, nakatingin sa 'kin si Kuya Andrei na parang naaawa sa nangyayari. Umiling lang ako at bumalik na sa kwarto para mag-ayos. I had a class today. Kahit na hindi ako nakatulog ay kailangan kong pumasok lalo na't critical school days na.

I went to the shower, donned comfortable clothes, and applied make-up on my face to conceal the bags forming under my eyes. I looked like shit. My classmates would have a feast seeing me.

I sighed and went back down after my morning rituals. Papasok na rin sa school sina Kuya Jacob at Kuya Andrei. They were walking to the parking space.

I rushed and grabbed Kuya Jacob's wrist. "Kuya," tawag ko. "Mag-usap naman tayo, please."

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I should leave him alone and let him bounce back from his cave when he's cooled off. But I couldn't practice what I preach. I couldn't sit still, knowing I'd hurt him.

As expected, Kuya Jacob shrugged me away none too roughly, almost pushing me off my feet.

"Jacob, ano ba!" rinig kong warning ni Kuya Andrei sa gilid. Lumapit siya at tinulak sa balikat si Kuya Jacob. "Watch it, man. She's still a girl."

Hindi 'yon ininda ni Kuya Jacob. He glared at the two of us before he stormed off and climbed into his Ferrari.

Kuya Andrei walked toward me, wearing an apologetic smile.

"You alright?"

I nodded. "I deserved that."

"No, he's being an ass. Tara, sa 'kin ka na sumabay." He went to his car and revved the engine to life.

Mechanically, I followed him into his car and we were off in the road in no time.

Aaminin ko. Natutuwa ako na nasa side ko si Kuya Andrei. I thought he'd be one of the boys who would get mad at me for lying but he was true to his character. He remained thoughtful and cool throughout the whole ordeal.

Kung wala siya ay hindi ko na alam kung paano ako ngayon. His supportive presence lifted my spirits just a little.

Classes sped by like a movie on fast forward. I went through the motions like a robot, barely listening, barely interacting with anyone.

Now the numbness set in. Wala na akong maramdaman. Mabilis na dumaraan sa isip ko ang mga pagkakataon na pwede ko namang sabihin kay Kuya ang lahat pero pinalampas ko.

If I had told him before when I had a chance, ganito pa rin kaya ang mangyayari?

Yes, my mind echoed, he'd still be mad.

I tried to come up with plans on how I can win him back but nothing came to mind. Wala. Hindi ko alam. Ngayon lang kami nag-away ng ganito at hindi ko sigurado kung paano sisimulang ayusin ang nasira naming relasyon.

"Okay! Anong meron?" Anjo said after dismissal during early dinner. "I can't stand this anymore. Javee, whats up?"

I looked up to see everybody else staring at me, concern riddling their expressions.

I opened my mouth to say something but no words would come out.

"Isa lang ang naiisip kong rason para mamugto ang mata mo nang ganyan. Break na kayo?"

I shook my head, fiddling with my steak.

"E 'di ano?" Anjo looked confused.

Ahron was scrutinizing me with her knowing eyes. Maxxie and Hiromi were exchanging worried glances.

"Si Jacob ba? Alam na niya?"

I darted to Lhyle who had a pensive look on his face. How did he know?

I cast my head low and nodded.

"Oh, shit!" Anjo exclaimed. "For real?"

"Pano mo nalaman?" tinanong ko si Lhyle. "Sinabi niya sa 'yo?"

He shrugged. "No, but I know you, Javee. I'm sure as hell Racel would never break up with you kaya isa lang ang alam kong magpapaganyan sa 'yo. Your stupid brother."

"He's not stupid," depensa ko. I reached for the glass of water and took long gulps. All this talk was making me feel lightheaded.

"Anong nangyari? Pa'no niya nalaman?" sabi naman ni Maxxie.

Kinuwento ko sa kanila ang buong pangyayari. This time, hindi na dumating ang mga luha. Pakiramdam ko ay napagod na ako sa kaiiyak.

"Alam na ba ni Racel?" tanong ni Hiromi.

Umiling ako.

The truth was, he'd been texting me since yesterday pero maiikli lang ang mga sagot ko. I told him I was feeling under the weather kaya hindi ako matinong makasagot sa kanya. He seemed to get the hint kaya hindi na kami nakapag-usap simula kaninang umaga.

I felt like an ass for doing that to him. But I didn't want to worry him. Isa pa, ayokong isipin niya na kasalanan niya. I needed to get my shit together bago ko siya kausapin ulit.

"Natatakot lang ako na baka 'di na ako kibuin kahit kailan ni Kuya," inamin ko sa kanila.

Lhyle said, almost in a scoffing tone, "Don't be silly. Men process anger differently, Jav. You know this. Ngayon lang mag-iinarte 'yang kapatid mo. In time, aayos din 'yan. Trust me, I'd know. I've been there."

Tinitigan ko siya nang matagal, feeling the fuse of hope light up within me. May point si Lhyle. He'd been mad at me once and he forgave me. Sana'y gano'n din ang mangyari sa amin ni Kuya.

Sa sinabi niya, naalala ko tuloy yung tinuro sa 'kin ni Dad before tungkol sa pagproseso ng inis ng mga lalaki.

Men react to anger differently.

Unlike with girls, men fire up quickly and cool down in a shorter period of time than girls. Tayong mga babae kasi, we take longer to get upset kaya nga nasasabihan tayong matiisin. Usually di-ni-diffuse muna natin ang sitwasyon. Sinusubukang intindihin, sinusubukang ayusin bago tayo magalit. But once we get fired up, it's more difficult to calm us down. Parang kettle nga daw ang mga babae. Takes time to boil but when it does, the water stays hot for some time.

Syempre, katulad sa maraming bagay, women have different emotional response to arguments din. Mas mabilis tayong ma-i-stress kaya madalas ay nag-o-overreact tayo. That doesn't mean boys are without faults. They can go from fired up to cool to fired up again just as quick.

After dinner, Lhyle offered to drive me home. Nanatili akong tahimik sa buong byahe habang iniisip ko ang mga sinabi nila kanina.

They said I shouldn't push too much. That my brother will come back if I give him ample time.

Umaasa ako. Sana nga. Sana tama sila. But at the back of my mind, I was dreading another thing. What if things had changed already? Paano kung may lamat na, kung may gap na?

The thought scared me so much.

I sighed, wringing my hands. Nilingon ko ang bestfriend ko na kanina pa ang pagsulyap-sulyap sa 'kin.

"Go on. Say I told you so," I said quietly.

"Why would I even wanna do that?" he said, incredulous.

"I dunno. Maybe because I'm being pathetic right now."

He turned to me, his face softening. "Not pathetic, no. Just hurting and there's nothing wrong with that." He darted back to the road.

"Ang hirap lang kasi. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan bakit gano'n kagalit si Kuya sa kanya."

"He's just protecting you." He took a deep breath and said, "Look, ayoko sanang manggaling sa 'kin 'to but I think you should know. But you have to promise me you won't hurt your brother for it."

I furrowed my brows. "What is it?"

Hindi pa muna siya sumagot. Hinintay niyang mahinto kami dahil sa traffic bago siya nagpatuloy.

He flicked his eyes over to me.

"Alam mo kasi, 'yang kapatid mo, takot lang 'yan sa sarili niyang multo. I don't know if you know about Giselle and that huge scandal it caused. But yeah, your brother used to date her. Even fucking shagged the girl. And you know how your brother is. We both know how that relationship ended."

"Giselle?" I echoed, trying to place where I'd heard that name before.

"Yeah, Giselle. Giselle Esquivel."

I raised my brows. He sounded like that name held some clue pero hindi ko talaga maalala kung saan ko narinig ang pangalan na 'yon.

Lhyle drew a sigh. "Are you even aware kung anong middle name ng boyfriend mo?"

My eyes widened.

"Racel Esquivel Gutierez. They're damn cousins, J. Kaya isali mo na 'yan sa list ng mga rason kung bakit sobrang magkaaway 'yang dalawang yan." He shook his head. "Fuck, you should've seen the commotion it caused nung sumugod si Racel sa Aftershock para bigwasan si Jacob. And it's all because Giselle suffered a pregnancy scare and heartbreak."

Bumilis ang pintig ng puso ko. The pieces of the puzzle were settling in. Ngayon ay mas naiintindihan ko na ang pinanggagalingan nilang dalawa.

"So kaya nagagalit si Kuya? Kasi akala niya gagawin din sa 'kin ni Racel 'yon?"

"Yeah. Siguro."

"But he's at fault here! Dinate niya si Giselle to get back at Racel."

Lhyle tilted his head in wonder. "Hindi daw. Nung una, hindi naman niya alam na magpinsan 'yon e. He found out eventually but your brother was an asshole through and through. He continued the relationship kahit na ilang beses siya sinabihan ni Racel na 'wag gagaguhin ang pinsan niya. In the end, Jacob got tired of Giselle and broke up with her. Ewan ko bakit hindi mo nabalitaan 'yan. Ang laking gulo kaya no'n."

My mind churned wildly at the revelation. Alam ko. Naririnig ko na dati pa na lagi ngang nagkaka-engkwentro 'tong sina Racel at Kuya. Pero hindi ko nalaman kahit kailan ang rason. I asked the boys before nung mga panahon na curious pa ako. But none of them gave a straightforward answer so I passed it off as a mere testosterone-induced feud.

Boy was I so wrong.

"Kaya pala," I said, stunned. "Shit, kaya pala."

"Yeah." Lhyle nodded.

The vehicles moved into a smooth ride again. Lhyle swerved the car and we turned off the main road to a shortcut pauwi sa bahay.

Bloody hell. All this time, I never knew. It made sense. Everything made sense now.

Unti-unting bumalik sa alaala ko ang mga pangyayari dati. Naaalala ko na si Giselle. Siya yung babaeng nakita kong kasama nina Racel nung unang beses ko siyang nakita sa malapitan. She had been crying then. Siya rin yung tumatawag kay Kuya nung nag-travel kami. Yung kinwento ni Mathev.

God. I was so ignorant. How could I have not known?

Pag-uwi ko ay nagmamadali akong pumasok sa kwarto. I felt bone-tired pero hindi ko magawang makatulog. Buhay na buhay ang isip ko dahil sa mga nalaman ko.

Racel. Giselle. Kuya.

Ngayon, alam ko na.

Out of the blue, my phone rang in the air.

It was Racel.

I immediately answered the call.

"Hey," agad niyang bati. "You weren't answering my texts."

When I heard his voice, I felt the tension in my body ebb away. My shoulders slumping, I took a deep breath.

"Sorry, baby. I had a bad day lang."

"Everything okay? What's wrong?"

I paused, thinking, "Alam na ni Kuya. He found us out."

There was silence on his end for a full minute. I waited, just listening to the mere sound of his breathing.

"Nasaan ka? Pupuntahan kita."

Umiling ako kahit hindi niya ako nakikita. "I'd rather stay at home. Kakauwi ko lang and didn't you say may exams ka tomorrow?"

"Did he hurt you?"

"He would never," I said quickly. "You know that."

He sighed. "I'm sorry this had to happen. It's all my fault. Kaya pala hindi ka sumasagot."

"No, it's mine. I should've told him sooner. It's not your fault," I said softly.

"Are you sure I can't see you today? Kahit saglit lang."

I hesitated. The idea was tempting but I couldn't risk bringing him here. Not right now. Not like this.

"Sorry, baby. I want to sleep sana. Hindi kasi ako nakatulog kagabi. Medyo nahihilo na nga ako."

"Are we," he paused. "Are we okay?"

May narinig akong takot at alinlangan sa tanong niyang 'yon.

"He wanted us to break up but I fought for you. I'm staying. I just need some time. That's all."

"Okay, baby. I love you."

"I love you, too."

I dropped the call and lay back on the bed. Gusto ko siyang tanungin tungkol kay Giselle, kung bakit kahit kailan hindi niya nabanggit sa 'kin ang tungkol doon, pero ayokong guluhin ang isip niya ngayong alam kong kailangan niyang mag-focus sa studies niya.

Maybe later, I thought just before I succumbed to sleep.

#

I was woken in the middle of the night by a call.

"Hello?" I said groggily.

"Bunso," came the familiar voice from the other end.

Si Kuya Travis.

I jolted up and leaned against the bed frame. Kinusot ko ang inaantok ko pang mga mata.

"Yes, Kuya? Napatawag ka?"

"I heard from Nick. Pasensiya na ngayon lang ako nakatawag. Masyadong busy ngayon dito sa farm. How are you holding up?"

Hm. Siguro Gian told his brother what happened.

"I'll get by. No need to worry. 'Di pa rin ako kinikibo ni Kuya Jacob pero expected ko naman na mangyayari 'to. Medyo mahirap lang at nakakapanibago. Pati kasi yung iba, iniiwasan ako."

"He's not being too much, is he? Are they giving you a hard time?"

"I don't know, Kuya. Everything feels too much lately."

There was a sigh from his end. "That dumb brat. 'Di bale. Uuwi na kami ni Chris. We'll talk things out when we get back."

"Don't come home just for this. I'll," I said, halting, "I'll handle it on my own. I need to. I made this decision alone so I have to face it by myself. It's how I'll learn. I can't depend on you forever."

"Well, that sounds disheartening," rinig kong sagot ni Kuya Chris. Doon ko lang naisip na baka naka-loud speaker si Kuya Travis. "Don't drift too far! Ikaw pa rin ang bunso namin."

"And I still am." That made me smile. "Ayoko lang maabala pa kayo."

"You're not." Tumawa nang malakas si Kuya Chris. "At isa pa, nagmamadali na rin umuwi 'tong si Kuya. May hinahabol yata."

That surprised me. I shifted my phone to the other ear. "What? What do you mean?"

"Oh, you know. Nagalsabalutan lang naman si Francheska," natatawang sabi ni Kuya Chris.

"Shut up," matigas na sabi naman ni Kuya Travis. I could imagine him stealing the phone back from Kuya Chris as he walked away.

"Francheska, huh? 'Di naman pala ako ang rason, e."

"Not you, too," he said in a gruff voice. "I'll see you when I come back. Anong gusto mong pasalubong?"

"'Wag 'na. Habulin mo na lang yung Francheska," I said, laughing until he disconnected the call.

In a way, it felt refreshing to talk to them. Napagaan ang loob ko at kahit sa saglit na panahon lang, nawala ang isip ko sa pinoproblema ko. Medyo na-mi-miss ko na rin sila. Silang lahat, actually.

Hindi ko alam kung sobrang paranoid lang ba ako pero hindi ko kasi nakita ang boys kanina sa school. Like they were avoiding me on purpose. Dati naman kasi'y nagkakasalubong kami sa campus grounds kahit na iba-iba kami ng schedule.

Maybe they were really disappointed. Mukhang lahat sila, walang balak na pansinin pa ako.

I sighed miserably.

#

Kinabukasan, kumalat sa klase ang balitang nagkasagupaan daw kagabi sina Racel at Kuya Jacob. Binalita 'yon ni Princess sa mga kaibigan niya dahilan para maglapitan sila sa 'kin at humingi ng juicy details.

I fumbled for words, shocked.

Nag-away sina Kuya at Racel? Kailan? Saan? Paano?

The thought that they got hurt by each other's hands made me feel sick.

"Was anyone badly hurt?" mabilis kong tanong kay Princess.

"Wala naman daw at saglit lang naman yung naging away dahil pinigilan nung isa pang kapatid mo. But Racel babes took a hit daw. 'Di mo pala alam?" dismayado niyang tanong.

I winced. Kung sa tawag niya kay Racel o sa balitang nasaktan ito ay hindi ko alam.

I hastily walked out of the room to place a call but it wasn't getting through. Kagabi daw 'yon nangyari. After namin mag-usap? Nung mga oras na kausap ko sina Kuya Travis?

I cursed under my breath, every fiber of my being twisting in worry. Alam kong hindi sasagutin ni Kuya Jacob ang tawag ko kaya si Racel na lang ang kakamustahin ko.

But he wasn't picking up.

I fidgeted and kept on dialling. After a few more tries in vain, I gave up and went back inside the room. Baka nasa klase 'yon kaya hindi makasagot. Susubukan ko na lang ulit mamaya.

At dismissal, napansin kong maraming nagkukumpulan sa gate habang papalabas ako ng Psychology building. There were whispers and murmurs, but I couldn't catch kung tungkol saan ang mga 'yon.

Nang makalabas ako ng campus, doon ko lang namataan ang pamilyar na BMW na naka-park sa labas ng gate.

Racel was sitting on the hood of the car, his eyes fixed on the phone. May mga tumatawag sa attention niya but in his true Gutierez fashion, he spared them no glance.

I pulled my phone up to check my inbox. Wala siyang text o kahit ano na magsasabing pupunta siya ngayon.

I keyed out my message and hit send.

Me:
What are you doing here? Baka makita ka ni kuya!

As soon as he read the message, he straightened up and swept his gaze over the crowd. Nang mapansin ako, ngumiti siya, tumawid sa kalsada at lumapit sa 'kin.

My eyes were wide in surprise and anxiety. Holy shit. Sobrang kinakabahan ako sa ginagawa niyang ito.

He just got back from a ramble. Ayokong maulit kaagad 'yon.

"Baka makita ka ni Kuya," sabi ko sa kanya.

"He already did. Even received a punch," he said, casually pointing to the bruise under his left eye, before he leaned in to kiss my cheek.

Syempre, lalong nagbulung-bulungan ang mga tao. Just yesterday, my brother was pummeling him. Now here he was, announcing to the rest of the world that we were dating. Kung wala silang clue kung bakit nag-away ang dalawa kahapon, ngayon alam na alam na nila ang dahilan.

"You're getting back at Kuya," sagot ko sa kanya habang sinusulyapan ko ang mga taong pinapanood kami.

"Not really. Sinusundo lang kita. I couldn't answer your calls earlier so I decided to surprise you instead. And why not? Your brother already knows. No one's stopping me." He grabbed my hand and entwined his fingers through mine. He studied my face and his smile fell. "Are you mad?"

"Hindi naman pero nag-aalala ako sa 'yo. Some people here don't really like your guts, you know."

"So? The girl I like does and that's what matters," he said, kissing my knuckles, before he pulled me along toward the direction of his car.

He was bold about the whole thing. Like he'd always been. Why couldn't I be more like him?

Tama naman siya, e. We're together and that's what matters.

"Dapat tinawagan mo 'ko kagabi. Wala akong kaalam-alam na nasaktan ka pala," sabi ko when we finally arrived in his condo. Gusto niyang magpunta sa mall para kumain pero pinilit ko siyang bumili ng take-outs at dito na lang kumain. I wanted to keep away from prying eyes lalo na't mainit pa ang balita na nag-away sila.

"I didn't think it was important. It was just a punch. It happened once or twice before," sabi niya, taking a casual seat on the floor beside me after he placed our orders on the low table.

"Kahit na! And it's important to me. You just had a row with my brother. Again."

"If it helps, I didn't fight back. Kinausap ko na rin siya. Told him I'm dead serious about you and nothing he'll do can stop me."

Tumingin ako sa kanya nang matagal. There was a light expression on his face na para bang walang nangyaring masama sa kanya. Maybe he was doing it for my sake. But it must've hurt a lot.

I reached out a hand and gently ran a thumb across his bruise.

"Sorry for this. I should've been there with you."

"It's not exactly an appealing sight to see me like that so I'm glad you weren't," he replied in a humorous tone.

"Did he hurt you a lot?"

"Hindi naman. It was just one punch."

I sighed. "Dapat umalis ka na kaagad. Dapat 'di mo na siya hinarap. Ayan tuloy."

Racel clasped a hand around my own and placed it on his lap. He said softly, "I wanted to make you feel better. I know how close you are to him. Gusto ko sanang maayos kayong dalawa pero parang napalala ko pa. I'm sorry, baby."

Hindi ko napigilan. His admission tugged at my heartstrings so I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. The warmth of his body against mine was comforting, soothing.

"You already did so much for me. You don't need to do anything else. Kung meron man dapat may gawin, ako 'yon."

His strong arms snaked around my body, securing me against him. "Just don't give me another fright. You scared me shitless yesterday, do you know that? I thought we'd break up."

I pulled away to look him in the eyes. "Why do you think I'd even do that?"

"You did, once. Natatakot lang akong maulit 'yon."

Guilt reared its ugly head and I bit my lip, my expression melting into a soft assuring smile. "It won't happen again, I promise. Only good things will come to us from now on."

"He won't break us apart, yeah?" Nangungusap ang mga mata niya nang sinabi niya ang mga 'yon.

"No," I answered softly.

Pinisil niya ang kamay ko. "Stay with me. Stay this time."

"Always," sagot ko before I leaned to place a chaste kiss on his lips.