Being legal had lots of perks. For instance, I was free to date now that I received the golden permission from the parentals. Though I think napilitan lang si Dad dahil kinausap namin siya ni Mom.

Secondly, I was allowed to see my new car.

Come the next day after my debut, Dad brought me to some place and introduced me to my new baby.

Holy shit lang, really, because this beast was the most breathtaking Jaguar ever.

Iba ang feeling na makita ang sasakyan ng mga kapatid ko. Pero mas iba talaga ang feeling kapag ang tinitingnan mo ay sa 'yo na!

I bear-hugged my dad right then and there. "Thank you, Daddy!" I sang in glee.

Dad chuckled. "But no driving yet. Learn how to drive first. And certainly no drag racing."

I parted with him and gave a salute. "Roger, sir!"

And so, I ended up spending the next few weeks having driving lessons with my brother, Kuya Chris. Sad lang kasi bumalik na rin sa States sina Mom and Dad kaya hindi ko na masyadong naka-bonding si Dad sa roadtrips namin.

The news of my new thing excited not only me but the boys as well. Lagi nila akong inaaya lumabas. Ipasyal daw namin yung Jaguar but I knew my limits kaya lagi akong tumatanggi.

This night, the boys were gathered at our pool. Hindi naman sila umiinom, just taking a casual swim in the water. Stressed kasi sila dahil sunud-sunod na ang mga tests ngayon. The topic about my car was brought up again.

"Tara, Javee. Let's go for a test drive," anyaya ni Kuya Onyx.

"I haven't got my license yet," lagi kong sagot sa kanya which he shrugged off with his contagious laugh.

"So? Drive illegally. Everyone does it," napakabuting reply ng magaling kong pinsan.

Binatukan kaagad siya ni Kuya Jacob. "Idiot. Don't teach her how to be you."

Humalakhak lang si Kuya Onyx at pinagpatuloy ang pangungulit."What, why? What's wrong with me? I'm fucking amazing," magarbo niyang sinabi bago nagseryoso. "But seriously. Roadtrip ulit tayo. Us boys." Before I could even correct him na babae ako, he added, "Toxic ng buhay ngayon."

"Kailan ba?" asked Kuya Paul from the edge of the pool. Busy ito sa phone niya kaya hindi siya nakatingin nang sinabi niya 'yon. I was even surprised na nakikinig pala siya sa usapan.

"Gusto n'yo bukas na, e! Let's unwind, yeah?" Kuya Onyx swept his eager eyes over the rest of us.

The boys voiced out their assent. Si Kuya Travis at Kuya Nick lang ang humindi dahil may mga nakaplano na daw silang lakad.

Nag-inat si Mathev. "Sige nga. Napupurga na ako sa sermon ni Mama, e."

"Pa'no kasi puro ka lakwatsa," sita ni Kuya Jacob sabay ngisi. "'Di mo ako gayahin. I'm the new Albert Einstein."

"Ulul." Mathev flipped him off.

Lumingon sa 'kin si Kuya Chris.

"How about you?"

"Pass," mabilis kong sagot.

I had classes tomorrow. Nakapangako rin ako sa girls na sa kanila naman ako makikipag-bonding. Nagtatampo na kasi si Anjo. Puro si Racel na lang daw kasi ang lagi kong kasama.

"At bakit?" tanong ni Gian. "Sumama ka na. Isasama ko si Zoey."

"May klase ako. Hindi pwede."

"Then after your class. We'll pick you up. D'yan d'yan lang naman tayo sa tabi."

I shook my head and curled up an apologetic smile. "Made plans with the girls na kasi. Sorry." I pressed my hands together for full effect.

Nanliit ang mga mata ni Mathev at tinitigan ako nang mabuti. "Aba. Laging tumatanggi. 'Kala mo ba 'di ko napapansin na madalas ka nang tumanggi sa 'min?"

If refusing them didn't make me feel sorry, what Mathev said effectively did. He was right. Lagi ko na silang tinatanggihan dahil madalas akong makipagkita kay Racel.

Now that I was thinking about it, was this the right moment to speak up and confess?

As if we were thinking the same thing, I caught Kuya Chris's eyes and he shook his head. Parang pinipigilan ako.

Though confused, I did as he told.

"Sorry na. Babawi ako," I ended up saying instead but Mathev wasn't buying it and he kept pinning me with that heavy stare.

Kuya Andrei interrupted in that moment. "Chill, bro. Javee's a girl. Natural lang na sa babae siya mas madalas sumama."

"It wasn't like that before. What changed?"

"Her puberty came late. Ngayon lang," Kuya Andrei said in a straight face.

Sa sinabi ni Kuya na 'yon, everybody burst out laughing. Siniko ko siya dahil, what the fuck? Anong ibig sabihin no'n? Ngumiti lang siya at inakbayan ako. Hindi na ulit na-bring-up ang topic tungkol sa 'kin matapos no'n.

When I asked Kuya Chris later that night kung bakit niya ako pinigilan, he only reasoned, "I don't think you should tell the others just yet. Kay Jacob muna. 'Pag kayong dalawa na lang."

May point. Kaya naman the very same night, when all the boys retreated to their room to sleep, dapat ay sasabihin ko na kay Kuya. I mean, I already mustered my strength and practiced my lines but he was so pissed drunk that I couldn't even say a word. I wasn't able to see much of him after that. March came and ended with so many activities. Sobrang hectic. I mostly crawled through the battlefield called college life and ultimately failed to find another good chance.

Kung hindi siya ang busy, ako naman. I played with idea na i-text na lang sa kanya o tawagan siya. But the idea had douchebaggery all over it so I crossed it out. Ayoko naman ng gano'n.

I waited and waited for a chance that never came.

It seemed fate was adamant to toy with me. Kung kailan naman handa ako, saka naman kami bihira magkita ni Kuya. Basketball, academics and girls kept him away from me and the feeling of stress and pressure closed in on me from all sides. Lagi na lang siyang busy. Kailan ko pa masasabi? Ayoko namang guluhin niya, not when he's so serious with his acads. Baka makagulo pa ang sasabihin ko, then that would double my guilt, especially since malapit na ang finals.

Good timing is really elusive.

Like now.

The boys were gone again. Kuya Travis went back to Ilocos kasama si Kuya Chris. Kuya Jacob was out for a night out with Kuya Andrei. Kahapon pa sila umalis at bukas makalawa pa yata uuwi. He'd stay at Kuya Andrei's flat for a few days, sabi niya. Ewan ko kung bakit. Hindi rin naman bago 'yon dahil ginagawa naman niya 'yon kahit dati pa. Kaya heto, mag-isa na naman tuloy ako dito sa bahay. May mga kasambahay naman pero dahil halos wala naman tao ngayon, pinauwi ko na muna sila.

The night was eerily quiet now that the boys were out. I told Racel yesterday na umalis sina Kuya so we mostly talked the whole night hanggang sa makatulog ako. But I hadn't heard a single word from him today. Busy siya sa tests na, sabi niya sa 'kin kagabi. I didn't want to be that needy girlfriend who wouldn't last a day without her beau, so I controlled myself and didn't contact him. Tried to anyway, because when night came, I couldn't keep my fingers off my phone at all.

Ang ending, I did text him.

Me:

Boo.

His reply came a full minute after.

Baby ♡:

Hey, beautiful.

You didn't text me all day. I was waiting.

Me:

Sabi mo may exam ka. I assumed you were busy.

Baby ♡:

Not busy enough to keep me from you.

Me:

You didn't text me din naman. So, akala ko busy ka.

Baby ♡:

Coz I thought YOU were busy.

Me:

Haha. Boo!

Baby ♡:

What's with that boo though?

Me:

Nothing haha. Bored lang.

Baby ♡:

You're always bored.

Me:

Yeah.

No. I guess I just miss you.

I texted again when he hadn't replied.

I miss you, baby.

Baby ♡:

Well? I can't let my girl miss me and not do something about it, can I?

Me:

Whaddya mean?

Baby ♡:

Come out.

Napabangon ako doon. What?

Me:

No way!! You're pranking me, right?

Prank siguro ito? Laging ginagawa sa 'kin ito ni Lhyle, e. Asking me to go out, pretending he was there, tapos prank lang pala. Sasabihan pa ako ng utu-uto.

But despite that thinking, I jumped out of my bed, bolted out of my room and almost flew down the stairs. This was Racel, e. It was not beyond him to do something like this. He'd done it before. Sheeeems! Nandito ba talaga siya?

Bago pa ako tuluyang umasa at kiligin, tinanaw ko ang bintana. Madilim pero may mga ilaw naman sa labas. Parang may nakikita nga ako na naka-park na sasakyan doon.

My phone vibrated then.

Baby ♡:

Hurry up, baby. I'm waiting.

I felt giddy. Happiness, excitement and kilig mixed together and arced through me in waves.

Me:

Omg. You're really here!

Baby ♡:

Surprise.

Surprised wasn't even cutting it. I was speechless. Nagmamadali akong lumabas ng bahay. I walked down the front yard to open the wrought-iron gates.

Bago ko 'yon buksan, nag-reply pa muna ako.

Me:

You're unbelievable

Baby ♡:

Too bad, babe. It seems I'm one step ahead of you again.

Ha. Cocky. Nevertheless, I pushed the gates open and stepped out. I sucked in a lungful of air instantly.

He was standing there, under the post light, leaning against his BMW. The cold breeze ruffled his hair and shadows fell across his face in a beautiful, mesmerizing way. He looked so good today. The red varsity jacket of Centrex University suited his toned body, accentuating his figure perfectly.

Racel looked up from his phone and saw me. A big smile edged up his lips.

Inangat ko ang phone ko para sagutin ang text niya. There was no way I would let him have the last word.

Me:

Or I was thinking of you too much kaya you sensed it and drove over here.

I looked back to him.

His phone lit up and he looked down to check he content of my reply. Mukhang wala na siyang balak sumagot dahil pinasok na niya 'yon sa bulsa ng jacket niya habang naglalakad siya papalapit sa 'kin.

Racel took slow, deliberate steps toward me with a smile that would give Adonis a good run for his money.

"Or I just missed you first," he whispered before greeting me with a kiss.

"How are you here?" I asked, looping my arms around his neck. I couldn't keep the happiness out of my tone and the lovestricken smile out of my face.

"I just really wanted to see my girl," sabi niya.

#

I had a date.

Mabilis akong umuwi galing Intersci kinabukasan para magpalit ng damit. Racel didn't stay long last night kasi pinapauwi siya ng mommy niya sa bahay nila. So para bumawi, he asked me out today dahil masyado daw kaming naabala ng mga academics namin. Wala din naman akong masyadong dapat i-review ngayon kaya pumayag ako. And why wouldn't I? At this point, I think I would choose him over my studies if he'd ask me to. But he never did which made me like him more.

You see, alam niyang importante sa 'kin ang acads ko. Gano'n din naman ako sa kanya. We gave each other enough space para hindi naman puro sa isa't isa umiikot ang mundo namin. We gave importance to other things that mattered, too. But I'd admit it. It was hard to act mature in the relationship, not when he was acting sweet and especially not when I was missing him too much.

Sa date ngayon, I made sure to slip on the black and white sun dress na binili niya para sa 'kin before. I wore the puzzle piece necklace and even used the perfume he gave me. I was using all of his gifts today. Because I was his. And it felt damn good to be his. I wanted him to see that.

Nang magkita kami sa MOA, matagal siyang tumitig sa 'kin.

"Wow," he said in a stunned voice.

I was widely smiling. "Surprise," sabi ko.

He smiled back-a genuine, appreciative tug at his lips. "I did buy this for my girl after all," bigla niyang sinabi.

I raised my brows in confusion.

"You asked me before, if I was finding a dress for my girl. I'm answering it now."

Then that day in the mall flashed back in my mind. Yung the day na nakita ko sila by accident in Justin. Grabe. That was so long ago now. How come he could still remember that?

"Cheesy," biro ko pero sa totoo lang, I was melting. "You still remember that?"

"How could I forget? That was probably the first real time you ever showed interest in me. I wanna know though." He pulled me closer to him. "Were you jealous of Claui then?"

My mind almost shortcircuited. Dayum. Naaalala niya nga talaga.

Yes, my mind said. But my mouth automatically blurted out, "Kinda."

"Good."

"Good?"

"Yeah, coz I was fucking jealous of Castillo back at Youth Camp. It feels great to know na hindi lang ako ang possessive. I thought I was being an ass."

My eyes widened. "Ooh! Kaya pala nakatingin ka all the time no'n!"

"Yeah, 'cause you were flirting," he accused.

"We were so not!" I denied, laughing.

He gave me an eye that seemed to say he didn't buy it, the expression sort of looking childish and cute at the same time. He shrugged and laced his fingers through mine. Hindi siya sumagot. Instead, he tugged at my hand so that we would be walking along the mall already.

"Why do you hate him so much? He's a great guy," sabi ko.

"Dahil d'yan. 'Cause you like him so much."

"I do, syempre, because he's my brother's bestfriend. But he's not you so there's nothing to be jealous of," I told him.

He made a sound that almost seemed like a snort. "No promises on that one. Where do you wanna go? You wanna eat first?"

Nasa loob na kami ng mall ngayon, palakad-lakad lang. I was playing with our entwined hands as we walked, casually suggesting we try out the restaurants we were passing by.

"If you want," sabi niya lang.

"Lahat naman okay sa 'yo. You should decide where we'll eat."

"Kahit saan, babe. I'm not really picky."

I was about to point to another restaurant, this time Japanese, when I noticed a group of girls that were familiar to me na pumasok doon. Hindi ko sila kilala but I recognized them dahil ka-block sila ni Kuya Jacob. Lagi ko silang nakikita sa mga games ni Kuya, lalo na yung isa sa kanila na dinate din yata ni Kuya.

I inched away slowly, pulling Racel with me to another direction. Mahirap na. I may not know those girls on a personal level but they definitely know who I am.

"Let's watch a movie na lang? 'Di ka pa naman yata gutom, e," sinabi ko.

Racel didn't seem to know what was going on since he nodded readily. "Yeah, sure. But are you sure you're not hungry?"

"Nope. Kumain naman ako ng lunch kanina. So movie na lang?"

Tumango siya. We made it to the theaters with no other incidents, fortunately. We bought tickets for an action movie of his own choosing and then found ourselves a good spot. Nagbiro pa nga 'tong si Racel na doon daw kami sa likod. Lovers' lane daw. Good spot for kissing. Tumawa lang ako at pinili ang nasa gitna pero bandang dulo just to humor him.

Not that we ever kissed. We didn't. The movie was good and I wasn't brave enough to do a public display of affection as bold as that. Tapos, to make sure that this day was just ours and ours alone, we decided to turn off our phones at least until the date was over. Bawal daw istorbo, e. Pumayag ako. Wala din namang naghihintay sa 'kin sa bahay ngayon.

After the movie, we ate our dinner.

Only when we finished and was about to go home did I remember to turn my phone on.

The flood of text came in fast.

But it was that one text from my brother that made my blood run arctic cold. It was the only thing I could focus on after.

Kuya Jacob:

We need to talk.

Hindi ko pinahalata kay Racel ang kaba ko. Did Kuya know? Nasa bahay na ba sila? It wasn't even a Where-are-you? text but this. Something about it activated the warning bells in my head. Lump formed in my throat and my heart raced like mad.

Nanginginig ako. Multiple thoughts seemed to run in my head pero ang totoo, blangko ako. Like my brain decided to malfunction right then and there.

Hindi ako nagpahatid kay Racel. Nagpumilit akong mag-cab and maybe it was the distressed look on my face that persuaded him to let me go.

Halos tumakbo ako papasok ng bahay. I couldn't be there fast enough.

Pagpasok ko, all of my fears were confirmed. My nightmare was staring at me straight in the eye. All of the boys, except Kuya Travis, Kuya Chris and Kuya Nick, were there. Suot pa nila ang basketball jerseys nila so I knew they just got off from a basketball match.

The boys were looking at me with shady expressions that I couldn't fathom. Kuya Paul was even shaking his head, Kuya Andrei looking at me with concerned eyes, while Gian seemed like he was keeping himself from acting out, jaw taut and hands clenched. Mathev was in the middle of a conversation with Kuya Onyx when I came in. They stopped right away and turned to me with dark, cautious eyes. Lahat sila ay iba ang tingin sa 'kin. Malamig.

And then there was Kuya Jacob whose eyes were very much livid right now. If looks could burn, I was probably a walking inferno by now.

Then, it dawned on me.

All my chances were lost. I fucked up and it was already too late.

My brother already knew.