The following days were a flurry of exams, projects and reports. I buried myself in school work, hoping na kapag ginawa ko 'yon, madi-distract ko ang sarili ko.

It helped, somehow.

Nakatulong din na lagi kong kasama ang mga pinsan ko ngayon. They were a welcomed distraction in the time of heartbreak.

"Motherfucker! That's cheating, assfuck!"

Nakuha ni Kuya Jacob ang atensyon ko sa sigaw niyang 'yon. Napabaling ako sa nilalaro niya at kaya naman pala. He lost the game.

Kuya Paul barked a laugh. "What's cheating there, man? We're playing here."

Kuya Jacob scowled and fumbled with the buttons again. "Rematch!"

"Sore loser!"

"Fuck you. Rematch!"

I let out a small laugh. Parang bata talaga 'tong si Kuya Jacob kung minsan. Sure, he's buff and filled in the right places pero kakaiba din talaga ang temper niya.

The boys were here, all of them except Kuya Travis na nasa work pa. Galing sila sa birthday ni Carlo Lazaro at nang matapos ay dumiretso sa bahay para ituloy ang inuman. Malapit na kasi ang Christmas break kaya pa-easy easy na ang mga ito. Mathev, Gian, Kuya Onyx and Kuya Andrei stood by the bar, drinking beer. Nasa sofa naman at naglalaro ng Xbox sina Kuya Paul at Kuya Jacob habang nasa kabilang sofa ako at pinanonood sila. Sat beside me was Kuya Nick, busy sa kung ano man ang ginagawa sa cellphone niya.

Yeah. Typical De Villa bonding.

"Christmas party bukas. Balak n'yo?" tanong ni Kuya Nick sa amin.

He was referring to the University Party sa SMX tomorrow night. Open siya sa lahat ng college students basta nasa legal age na.

Kuya Jacob shrugged. "E 'di pupuntahan?" Sabay tawa.

"Should we? I heard Gutierez will be there," sabi ni Kuya Paul na tutok pa rin sa laro.

At the mention of his name, I startled. Nakatuon ang atensyon ko sa phone ko pero nakaabang ako sa bawat salita nila.

"Let the fucker go. Wala namang magagawa 'yon sa 'tin." Then for a brief second, Kuya Jacob tore his eyes off the screen to glance at me. "'Di ba nakasama mo 'yon sa Youth Camp? I saw the pictures."

My heart beat paced up. Humigpit ang kapit ko sa cellphone ko at nanlamig ang mga palad ko.

"Yeah. Group mate ko," sabi ko, trying to sound as normal as possible.

"Nakakapag-usap ba kayo?"

Dread churned in the pit of my stomach. My mouth went dry. Ang tagal na rin ng Youth Camp. Bakit bigla niyang na-bring up ito?

"Hindi," I lied.

"Good. Won't do you good if you do. Mabuti nang iwasan mo 'yon."

Casual ang pagkakasabi niyang 'yon. Nasa game pa rin kasi ang focus niya.

"Give him the benefit of the doubt, Kuya. He could be nice."

Umiling si Kuya Jacob. "You don't know what you're saying. Just avoid him."

"Why should I?"

Mukhang nagulat sila sa tanong ko dahil napabaling silang tatlo sa 'kin.

Kuya Jacob arched a brow. "He's not good for you, okay. Trust me. Para sa 'yo rin naman 'to. I don't want you to get hurt."

"Why, Kuya? Why would I get hurt?" I pressed on.

Kuya Jacob hesitated, then said gruffly, "Basta. Sumunod ka lang, Javee." There was cold finality in his tone that made me shut my mouth.

Kuya Nick reached out and ruffled my hair and when I looked at him, offered me an easy smile. Alam ko ang ibig sabihin no'n. That was his way of telling me that I should drop it or I'd push his jerk buttons.

Natahimik kaming tatlo. Ang ingay lang ng laro, kwentuhan sa bandang bar, at soft music ni Kuya Andrei ang natatanging ingay na bumabalot sa amin.

Nabadtrip yata sa 'kin si Kuya Jacob. Even when he lost again the second time, wala na siyang reaction. His mouth was set in a dangerous scowl. Tahimik niyang pinasa kay Gian ang console.

I tensed up. I hoped to hell na hindi siya nakahalata sa mga tanong kong 'yon.

"Mga brah. Saan tayo sa pasko? Bakasyon na oh!"

Kuya Onyx grinned as he plopped beside me, stretching his long legs and spreading his arms along the back of the sofa.

"Yung Vigan, anong nangyari? 'Di na natuloy-tuloy, a?" sagot ni Gian.

"Whose fault is that?" Tumawa si Kuya Nick. "Set n'yo na. Or let's ride to Baler. Pwede rin."

Hearing the conversation, lumapit na rin sa amin sina Kuya Andrei at Mathev.

Napabuntonghininga ako. The tension slowly dissolved dahil sa bagong topic. If there's anything that could lift my brother's spirits, ito 'yon. Adventure.

"Oh, i-set na. Isakto n'yo ng pasko yung sa Vigan," Kuya Jacob said, mukhang nakabawi na ang mood.

"We can't go far," I interrupted, remembering something. "Uuwi na sina Tito Ram sa makalawa. May gagawin tayo until the 25th."

"Shit. Oo nga pala."

"E 'di 'di pala namin kayo kasama sa pasko?" tanong ni Mathev.

"Gano'n na nga."

That set everyone into thinking. Tradisyon na kasi sa pamilya ang mag-celebrate ng pasko nang magkakasama. It's been like that for years, save from those rare instances na kanya-kanya kami o may mga nakahiwalay. Minsan kasi sa Japan nagpapasko ang family ng twins at sa Germany naman sina Gian at Kuya Nick.

"Tss. Ganyan naman kayo, e," Mathev said, sullen. "Nakakalimot na pag umuuwi ang mga Zobel."

"Grabe naman." I laughed. "28th pa balik nila. Malabo na makalayo pa tayo."

"Korni naman," Gian grumbled.

Napailing ako sa mga daing nina Gian at Mathev. They never really ran well with the Zobels. Nung umuwi kasi dito years ago sina Kael ay nag-away pa sila nina Gian at Mathev. Simpleng pagtatalo lang naman pero hindi na nawala yung antagonistic vibes sa pagitan nila. Tsk.

Naputol saglit ang discussion nang dumating ang pagod na pagod na si Kuya Chris. Binati niya kami before he disappeared upstairs in his room. He looked dead tired. Galing 'yon from masters, for sure.

"Sa malapit na lang. Batangas good?" Kuya Andrei recommended after a while.

"Swimming na lang?" Kuya Onyx said. "Pwede din. Pico, Acuaverde o Punta Fuego? O gusto n'yo ng iba?"

"Let's try Acuatico. Mukhang maganda," I suggested.

"Sige. Mag-book na ako. 28th, 29th, 30th. Uwi tayo for New Year," Kuya Nick finalized.

After that was settled, bumalik na sa kanya kanyang ginagawa ang boys. Sina Kuya Jacob at Kuya Onyx na ang naglalaro ngayon.

Lumapit ako kina Mathev at Kuya Andrei na bumalik na sa bar.

"Saglitan lang natin. Lipat tayo tapos," sabi ni Kuya Andrei.

"Sige. Ayoko magtagal. Nando'n yung mga ungas. Mapaaway pa tayo."

Yung Christmas party pa rin ang pinag-uusapan nila. I frowned at the way my cousin referred to them. It didn't sit well with me.

Inabot ko yung Smirnoff at naglagay ng refill sa baso. I downed it in one go.

"Face it like a man! Ang duwag naman nito!" sigaw ni Kuya Onyx, absorbed na absorbed sa nilalaro. Mura lang ni Kuya Jacob ang naging sagot nito.

"Fuck naman, Onyx. Ako na lang maglalaro. Ang bano mo!" kantyaw naman ni Gian sabay hagalpak ng tawa.

Umiling ako sa naging ingay nila habang nag-aagawan ng joystick. Bumaling ako kina Mathev at Kuya Andrei na maintenance na ng kotse ang pinag-uusapan ngayon.

Kuya Chris joined us then, having changed his clothes.

"Sama ka ba bukas?" I asked him as an afterthought. "Sa Christmas party?"

"Pass. I'd rather rest."

"Tander feels, p're," asar ni Mathev, sabay halakhak.

"Gago." Kuya Chris then said, "Umayos kayo bukas ha. Subukan n'yo lang makipag-basag ulo ulit. Grounded kayo sa pasko."

Mathev let out an amused snort. "Asa naman."

I felt the familiar grip of anxiety flood in my chest habang nakikinig ako sa usapan nila. Mathev was right. Imposibleng wala ang Centrex team doon bukas. My cousins would be there, too.

Tempted sana akong samahan na lang si Kuya Chris sa bahay bukas but if the others and my friends were going, wala akong choice. It would seem weird if I suddenly made up excuses.

The last thing I wanted was more problems now.

#

I wasn't even surprised when I saw him here. Naramdaman kaagad ang pagdating namin sa function hall dahil agad na naglapitan ang mga kaibigan ng mga pinsan ko. Not a minute yet inside and I already felt the crushing tension. Some people were whispering, looking at Kuya Jacob with a cautious glance before turning around to look at the space behind them, where Racel was.

Si Kuya Jacob ang unang nakapansin sa kanya bago ko pa siya nakita. My brother stiffened and instinctively placed his arm around me when he spotted Racel near the stage.

Halos kumawala ang puso ko nang magtama ang tingin namin. His eyes stayed on me, parang walang pakialam na katabi ko ang kapatid ko. Agad kong nilipat ang attention ko. Kuya Jacob, too, acted as if he wasn't there. He steered me close to where Lhyle and the others were waiting.

It didn't take long bago humiwalay sa amin ang boys. I wandered my gaze around the hall, looking around the sea of faces in the center.

As expected. Same old faces in the crowd. Pamilyar ang mga nakikita ko, kahit na hindi ko kakilala ang iba. Some of them were known figures in their universities and I wasn't even surprised to see how easily these people blended and ran with the others they met here for the first time. Obviously, they mastered the art of socializing.

I also caught sina Christelle, Gwen, Ivan at James somewhere in here. Kasama nila ang kanya kanya nilang mga barkada. Basically, the somebodies of each universities were in here.

"I thought you won't come," Ahron told me in a whisper. "After that birthday disaster."

"Can't. Magtataka sina Kuya," I said back.

The party started in a few minutes. We were instantly drowned in the loud EDM music and bouncing lights as people crowded in the center and danced wildly. 'Di na nakakapagtaka na parang may glaring division sa function hall. Even in the midst of the party, magkahiwalay pa rin sina Kuya at ang Centrex team. Nagpapakiramdaman lang. Though in my opinion, I felt as if they were trying to assert themselves, parang they were silently challenging the other to do something while silently saying na hindi sila aalis just because the other group was around.

I felt highly uncomfortable with this set up. Para kasing anytime soon ay may sasabog na gulo. Parang isang kalabit lang ay mag-aaway ang dalawang grupo. Until now, I didn't even know they could last a minute inside the same room without breaking into a fight. I was surprised we even managed to reach this far without any fiasco. Usually kasi ay nauuwi ang ganito sa sapakan.

"If the tension isn't real right now, iisipin kong friends ang mga De Villa sa mga 'yon, e," said Anjo loudly over the music while dancing to the beat.

"'Wag mo pansinin. Baka mausog mo pa," Hiromi scolded.

"Sinasabi ko lang!" Anjo defended, raising her hands.

Buong gabi ay nag-iwasan kami ni Racel. Ni hindi ko nga ginawang lumingon sa direksyon nila lalo na't nakakalat sina Kuya. Hindi ako lumayo kina Anjo at Maxxie. We kept close to each other kahit na nawala na sa crowd sina Ahron, Hiromi at Lhyle.

The girls were laughing habang talon nang talon para sumabay sa beat. From time to time, Kuya Andrei's eyes were darting over to find me. Lalo na kapag may lumalapit na grupo sa amin. Nung unang beses na may nagtangka, he strode to us and placed an arm around me. Nagpakilala lang naman siya at walang masamang sinabi pero tapos no'n ay hindi na bumalik ang mga 'yon. No one else dared to approach us after, much to Anjo's disappointment.

"Yung tataa? Paano iinit ang pasko ko e kasama kita?" reklamo niya. "Bakit kailangan damay ako?" She pouted, making Maxxie laugh.

"Ang bagal mo kasi. Nauna tuloy si Andrei," sabi ni Maxxie, tumatawa sa parang batang pagrereklamo ni Anjo.

Anjo threw a glare at me. "Tell your kuya na panindigan ako. Prospect na 'yon e!"

I chuckled at her distress. Maganda naman 'tong si Anjo, e. Kung tutuusin, marami namang nanliligaw sa kanya pero walang pumapasa. She's the type to crush on unreachable people. Kapag naman nagustuhan na siya ay umaayaw na siya. A tease. A subtle form of a play girl din.

Nang lumalim na ang gabi, napalapit sa amin sina Mathev at Gian. May naglalarong ngisi sa mga labi nila, kaya agad akong kinabahan. Baka mamaya'y may ginawa na silang kalokohan.

"Parang mga asong takot na takot, e. Mga 'di makaporma," sabi ni Mathev habang iniinom ang shot niya.

By that tone, alam ko na kung sino ang tinutukoy nila.

"Subukan lang nila. Makakatikim sila," sagot ni Gian na sumisimsim ng beer.

"Lakas din kasi ng loob na magpunta pa dito." Ngumisi lalo si Mathev.

Maybe I had a few drinks on my own kasi bigla kong sinabi, sharply at that, too, "You don't own this party, Mathe. They have every right to be here."

Mathev looked at me weirdly, raising a brow.

Tumawa si Gian. "Whoa. Someone's getting drunk. Easyhan n'yo lang, baka magtalo pa kayo ha. Nagsisimula na naman kayo, e."

Mathev stared at me for what felt like forever before his expression melted into amusement. "Kaya walang nanliligaw sa 'yo, e. Ang sungit mo. Ang lakas mambasag."

I wrinkled my nose, feeling half relieved that he didn't catch on. "Try n'yo 'wag maging protective. Baka sakali magka-boyfriend na ako. Who you talaga kayo."

Mathev snorted while Gian smirked.

"Asa ka pa," halos sabay nilang sinabi.

They had only been here for 2 hours pero nagpaalam na sa 'kin ang boys na lilipat sila. Nagsawa na yata at gusto nang humanap ng ibang bar. Hindi pa naman sila lasing pero ang tisoy na tisoy na sina Kuya Andrei at Mathev, parehas nang namumula. From the heat and excessive movements, perhaps.

"We're bailing," Kuya Jacob told me. "Sama ka ba o hatid na kita sa bahay?"

"Sabay na lang ako kay Lhyle. Nandito pa sila."

"You sure?" He furrowed his brows. "'Wag uminom masyado, a."

I nodded and smiled. "Kayo ang 'wag uminom masyado. The last time you wrecked your car, Dad fumed so bad. Don't do it again."

At the mention of last year's accident, Kuya Jacob groaned. "Thanks for reminding me."

Nagpaalam lang sa 'kin yung iba and then, they were gone. Hula ko kaya sila nagmamadaling umalis ay dahil hindi nila magawang maging malaya dito. There were limitations here na wala sa ibang bars.

"Knew you'd be here."

That familiar voice came from behind me. Turning around, I was greeted by startling grey eyes and lopsided smile. "Ever the party animal."

Angelo.

"Ikaw din naman," I said, trying to fight the splitting smile forming on my face.

"Syempre." He grinned, his dimples peeking out.

"You missed Kuya. Kakaalis lang nila."

"I know. It's cool. You're here naman. Complete na my night," he said and laughed heartily, his chest vibrating with the motion.

I laughed with him. I took that chance to study him over. Simpleng white shirt, black pants at navy blue jersey jacket lang ang suot niya but it didn't fall short sa effect. Girls still gravitate toward him and his easy-going smile as if it was the most natural thing to do in the world.

Angelo suddenly leaned forward, oblivious of the casual stares he was receiving. "I noticed this when I came in. Someone's been staring at you, Jamie V. I think you know who," he mentioned.

I almost snorted at how ironic that sounded but I immediately realized what he meant. Out of reflex, my eyes swept over the mass of bodies and stopped short nung makita ko siya.

My chest squeezed.

Racel was looking directly at the both of us, eyes narrowed and lips set in a frown. Noticing my attention, he looked away, and then a group of girls blocked him from sight.

I sighed miserably.

Angelo saw the exchange. I could see the gears of thoughts turning in his grey eyes. Ginulat niya ako when he placed a hand on top of my head, a gesture of silent comfort. Like a big brother.

Ngumiti ako, muttering, "I'm okay."

"Say, I heard you met Cari," he started, an obvious attempt to change the topic.

"Kilala mo si Cari? As in Kuya's ex?"

He gave me a funny look. "Of course."

"How?"

"My bestfriend," he said in a very fond tone.

"Bestfriend lang?"

"Selos, Jamie V?"

"Kapal."

The puzzle fell into place then. Cari. Angelo. Consuello. Kuya Andrei.

"I still can't believe she's Kuya's ex," I said in wonder.

"Me too," he snorted a laugh. "Can't believe your bro fucking committed. But hey, she's a keeper. Can't say I blame him."

"Why did they break up?"

Angelo shrugged. "Who knows? They're both magulo. I didn't want to get in between pa."

Hm. Wala nga sa personality niya ang makialam at makisali sa ganyan. Or maybe he knew and was just covering up for my brother. Power of bro code nga naman. Whatever the case, I wouldn't press. I doubt I could make him talk anyway.

"How did they meet pala?" I asked Angelo.

"Through me, unfortunately."

"Unfortunately?" I quirked a brow.

"Well, they are broken up now."

I observed the wistful expression flickering through his eyes. "You care for her a lot."

"I do," then a fond smile spread across his charming face.

He regarded me then, the ends of his lips tugging up further. "Just like how I care for you," sabay kindat.

Napatawa ako doon. Angelo sure has a way with words. He knew just what to say and when to say it. No doubt a Notorious Charmer through and through.

"Know what? You're a good friend din naman talaga. May sapak lang," I said.

"May sapak lang," he repeated with a laugh. "That's an interesting way of putting it."

The party was undeniably far better with Angelo here. His presence lifted up my otherwise dampened spirits dahil tawa lang kami nang tawa. Nakahinga na rin ako nang maluwag dahil wala na dito sina Kuya.

Mayamaya pa, nawala na sa tabi ko ang kumag at naging busy na siya sa kung sino mang bimbo iyong nagpapa-cute sa kanya.

Tinawanan ko lang sila at lumayo doon. I'd let him have his time of the day now.

Hindi ako masyadong lumagi sa gitna. Wala ako sa mood sumayaw pero sinubukan kong i-enjoy ang music. I'm not an EDM kind of person but I appreciate it when I hear it. So far, the DJ was good. Magaganda ang mga remixes ngayon.

It was well past midnight nang hinatak ako nina Christelle toward the small crowd they made. Naroon sina Gwen, Ivan, James, Justin at . . . Racel.

I swallowed nervously nang makalapit kami. I avoided him all night. Kanina na nandito ang mga kapatid ko, walang nagtangka sa kanila na isali ako but now that they were gone . . .

"Punta kaming Palace. Sama ka?" James told me.

My eyes drifted to Christelle who was intently observing me.

"Sige na, Javee. Sumama ka na," pasok ni Gwen. "You'll ruin the night kung 'di ka sasama."

I bit my lip. "I don't know, guys. Kasabay ko sina Lhyle umuwi, e."

"Sus. KJ. Isama mo na lang," Ivan said, turning to Racel afterward. "Oy. Saan ka pupunta?"

Huminto si Racel at lumingon sa kanya. "I'll go ahead."

"What? No, man. Magpa-party pa tayo."

"'Di ka sasama, bro?" Justin asked, looking confused.

"No."

"Bakit hindi?"

"Pwede ba akong sumama?"

Hindi ko alam kung nakatingin siya sakin. Hindi kasi ako nakatingin sa kanya but I saw Gwen look in my direction. Oh, damn this!

"Bakit naman bawal? Tara na, p're. Minsan lang 'to."

"Dude, c'mon. Magtatampo kami," James added.

"Fine," Racel said under his breath.

Then, I finally looked up to him. Hinagilap niya ang mga mata ko. He was gauging my thoughts if this was okay. My pulse quickened up at the reminder of Natalia. I turned away. No, this wouldn't work. One of us should go.

"Ano, Javee? Sama ka ba?"

"Dali na, girl. Walang excuses!"

Out of habit, hinagilap ko sina Lhyle sa crowd. Nakatayo sila sa bandang likod, inaalalayan nina Ahron at Maxxie ang mukhang lasing nang si Hiromi. Si Anjo naman ay unsteady na rin, hawak siya ni Lhyle sa braso.

"Next time na lang. Bawi ako."

"Javee naman. . . "

"Told my brothers I won't drink too much. And Lhyle is my ride home."

"O, e 'di hatid ka na lang namin. O kaya isama mo."

"Cancel talaga. Sorry. And I'm tired. I want to go early."

". . . Okay. Sige na nga!" Gwen finally said in defeat.

I slipped away from them after a string of apologies. Nang malapitan ko sina Lhyle ay pulang pula at humahagikgik na sina Hiromi at Anjo.

"Hatid mo na. Nag-text na ako kay Tito. Hintayin niya kayo," Maxxie told Lhyle.

Lumingon sa 'kin si Lhyle, questioning.

"Sige na. Okay lang. I'll grab a cab."

"Sumabay ka na. Hatid na lang kita pagkatapos."

"Out of way na masyado."

"Then taxi? Sabay ka na palabas. I'll find one for you."

I nodded, inwardly telling myself that I should definitely get a car na. Ayaw ko kasing umaasa sa driver nina Dad ever since pero hindi naman pwedeng lagi na lang akong umaasa. Nakakahiya na at hassle din, tulad ngayon. But before that, I should learn how to drive first. Marunong naman ako e, or at least I think I was familiar with the basics. Tsk. Kasalanan nina Kuya 'to, e. Them and their mad overprotective issues.

Nakalabas na kami ng function hall nang narinig kong may tumawag sa pangalan ko. We turned around to see Angelo half jogging over to us.

"Hey. You guys going already?"

"Yeah, dude. Lasing na 'tong dalawa," Lhyle answered him, gesturing to the drunk giggling girls between us.

Tumingin sa 'kin si Angelo. "Paano you?" He turned to Lhyle, eyeing the unstable Anjo in his arms. "Are you going to drive her home, man?"

Si Anjo ang sumagot, the gleam in her eyes telling me she's got nothing good to say. Tumawa muna siya bago nagsalita.

"Hindi nga, e. Ikaw na lang kaya? Ikaw na lang!"

Damn girl. Ever the matchmaker.

The grin was instant on Angelo's face, his eyes lighting up. "Oo ba!" Angelo placed his arm around me. "Ako na'ng bahala."

"Don't try anything funny, bro. I'll break your nose," Lhyle warned with furrowed brows.

"If she hasn't yet, man, you feel me? But yeah, noted."

I bid the girls goodbye. Si Lhyle na ang bahalang maghatid kay Anjo at Hiromi. Kasabay naman ni Maxxie si Ahron pauwi. Actually, Ahron offered to drive me home kaso masyadong malayo ang Las Piñas from her place. I refused, nakainom na rin kasi siya.

Angelo was more than happy to do the job, though. Mas na-realize ko pa kung gano siya ka-thoughtful when he called my brother to tell him he's with me.

"Do you still know the directions?" I asked him when we were on the road.

"Of course, babe. Hinatid na rin kita before, have you forgotten?"

"Isang beses lang 'yon. Nakabisado mo kaagad?"

"I remember important things easily, Jamie V. Don't be surprised," he said, chuckling.

Silence filled the air habang bumabyahe. At some point nakatulog ako dahil when I opened my eyes, Angelo was already shaking me and pointing to our house.

"We're here," he said gently.

I thanked him. "Text me when you get home, a?"

"Sweet naman this girl. Don't. Baka ma-fall ako." Humalakhak siya sabay kaway. "Ciao, love," then he rode off.

I was mildly smiling when I got inside the house. Patay na ang mga ilaw sa loob kahit na nakaabang sa may sofa si Kuya Chris.

"Ba't gising ka pa?" I asked him, kissing his cheek.

"Tumawag si Andrei, e. Hinintay na kita."

Bumaling ako sa may hagdanan.

"Sina Dad?"

"Tulog na. Maaga pa 'yon bukas," sabi niya. "Kumain ka na ba? May pizza d'yan. Initin mo na lang."

I hadn't eaten properly since we went to the party pero wala na rin talaga ako sa mood na kumain pa. This day was so agonizingly long. Ang gusto ko na lang ay humiga sa kama at matulog.

"I'm good, Kuya. Pagod na, e. I wanna rest."

Kuya Chris nodded. "Sure? Sige. Good night."

I went upstairs and quickly went to the shower. Nag-re-replay pa rin sa 'kin ang mga nangyari kanina. Hindi ko alam kung pinaglalaruan ba ako ng tadhana o ano pero bakit parang mas lalong lumiliit ang mundo namin? Kung kailan naman kasi dapat ko siyang iwasan, saka pa siya nando'n! The world was making it so damn hard to stand by my decision.

After shower, I pulled on comfortable clothes and jumped straight to bed-only to find out I wasn't darned sleepy. Isang oras mahigit yata akong nagpaikot ikot sa kama ko pero gising na gising pa rin ako. Narinig ko na ngang umuwi ang mga kapatid ko pero wala pa rin.

I was wide awake at isang tao lang ang paikot ikot sa isip ko. Him and his thrice-darned lost expression. Parang kinukurot ang puso ko everytime na naaalala ko ang mga pakiusap niya sa 'kin. Fucking shit.

A frustrated groan escaped my lips as I buried my face in the pillow. It was around two a.m when my phone registered two texts from an unregistered number.

My system went into immediate overdrive when I caught the familiar numbers.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm outside your house. Let's talk.

#

Halos kumawala ang puso ko habang paulit ulit kong binasa ang text. He was outside, damn it! Lasing sina Kuya at kung mahuhuli siya ay hindi ko na alam! Racel was probably drunk, too.

Bloody hell.

Nagmamadali akong nagsuot ng cardigan at tinakbo ang distansya. I found him leaning against his car, doon kung saan niya ako binaba nung hinatid niya ako before.

Nangatog ako habang pinagmamasdan siya. Racel was staring at the ground, seemingly lost in thoughts. His dark hair shuffled in the wild night breeze. Mukhang mula sa party ay diretso siyang nagpunta dito dahil gano'n pa rin ang suot niya. Black shirt, white pants and black jacket.

Ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko habang lumalapit sa kanya. Gusto ko siyang yakapin pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. I planted my hands to my sides, clenching it to stop the shaking.

Racel lifted his gaze from the ground and found me. He straightened up. It wasn't that obvious but he looked . . . miserable? Hurting?

"Javee," he began in a raspy voice, his eyes searching mine.

"You should go home," I said in a quiet tone, maintaining a good distance from him. I kept my eyes on the ground. "You're drunk. You should rest."

"I can't do this anymore," he started.

My breath caught in my throat nang nagsimula siyang lumapit sa 'kin. Huminto siya sa harap ko at malalim akong tiningnan. My knees weakened under his stare.

Unable to take it, I looked away but his hand reached out and made me look up to him. With our close proximity, I noticed the faint scent of alcohol coming from him.

"Sila pa rin ba?" paos niyang sinabi. "Sila pa rin ang pipiliin mo? Hanggang kailan? Sila lang ba ang pipiliin mo hanggang huli?"

"They're my family. I love them," hirap kong sinagot.

"And me?" The way he whispered that broke me into pieces. Like he was desperate to hear my answer.

"Ibaa kasi 'yon," nanginginig na paliwanag ko.

He laughed humorlessly, the brown in his eyes darkening with intense emotions. Huminga siya nang malalim at nakita ko kung paano isa-isang nawala ang kontrol niya sa sarili niya.

"You really know how to work a guy," Racel replied solemnly. "This is unfair, Javee. These past few days were torture for me. Para 'kong sasabog. And to you, wala lang 'yon? Was there really nothing? Was I the only one who thought we had something special?"

Yumuko ako.

"You really don't understand, do you? I liked you then for being with me, and I like you even more now for staying away. I like you, but I can't give you what you want. I can't do it." He took a further step closer and grabbed my forearms. "I'm so close, baby," he breathed, sending goosebumps all over my skin at the way he called me. "Don't let me do this alone."

Nanigas at natulala ako sa narinig kong 'yon. Hindi ako makapagsalita. Tears began to fall freely from my eyes. There. The cat has been let out the bag. He finally admitted it openly.

He liked me. No more pretenses of being friends and shit. This was the truth and its glaring at me straight in the eye.

"You know I can't," I said hoarsely. "We can't. . . I-"

Frustration swept across his face. "Why? Why can't we?" Humigpit ang kapit niya sa mga braso ko.

"You know the answer to that. My brothers-"

"I'll fight for you!" Racel interrupted me. "Get that? Iniwasan ko ang mga kapatid mo para sa 'yo. But damn it. If they'll come between us, then I'm all out. Haharapin ko ang galit nila if that's what it will take to have you." His voice softened into a plea. "I just need to hear it from you, that you're willing to do this with me. Don't leave me like this. Don't leave me hanging. Tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way."

"Lalo silang magagalit sa 'yo kung gagawin mo 'yan . . ."

"Then do something," Racel snapped in desperation. "Stop me. Claim me. Make me yours. Anything. Because I'm losing my mind and I can't even pretend I can still avoid you. I can't." He drew a shaky breath and carded his fingers through his hair. "I tried. But I can't."

Kinagat ko ang labi ko. All his control was completely gone.

"You're drunk. Kaya mo nasasabi 'yan. Lasing ka lang. Bukas, ma-re-realize mong-"

"Yes. I'm drunk. Drunk with these fucking feelings I can't control," mabilis niyang sagot. "Ayoko na. Fuck your brothers. Fuck your cousins. Just fuck it all. I don't fucking care anymore."

Bumuhos ang luha ko at sobrang nahihirapan na akong huminga. May bumabara sa lalamunan ko at namamanhid na ako.

"I thought I'm okay with just being your friend pero sa tuwing iniisip kong pwede kang mapunta sa iba, nagseselos ako. I want to claim you. I want to have everything. I'm selfish and I'm so sorry for that."

I closed my eyes, barely holding myself together.

"Ayoko rin naman maging ganito tayo kaso wala akong magawa. I'm a coward. I have no choice but to let you go kasi takot akong ma-disappoint sina Kuya. We're young. Makakahanap ka pa ng iba. Don't let me do this to you. Please." Yumuko siya at pumikit habang pinapakinggan ang mga sinasabi ko. He gritted his teeth, his grip on me shaking.

Dahan-dahan kong inalis ang kapit niya sa mga braso ko. Naging mahirap 'yon dahil malakas siya. But as if remembering something, he suddenly retracted his arms and stepped back.

My throat stung so much at hindi mapigil ang bagsak ng mga luha ko.

"I don't even know myself anymore," he breathed out in disbelief, sounding exhausted from everything. "This is the first time I ever felt like this. Sa 'yo pa lang. Ikaw pa lang but I can't even have you. What can I do?" pabulong niyang sinabi ang mga huling salita.

I bit my lip to stop myself from sobbing.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry," paulit ulit kong sinabi.

Silence reigned for a very long while. When I failed to say a word, he muttered a curse. Nagbago ang expression sa mukha niya. Kung kanina desperado siya at nagmamakaawa, ngayon wala na akong ibang makita kundi pagod. Tahimik siyang naglakad palayo.

Every inch of me numbed as I watched him go. I didn't know what to do.

I knew this was wrong-this wasn't what I wanted. But every step he took added to the reality na pawala na ang chance na magkaayos pa kami.

If I let him go now, I wouldn't be able to see him again.

Matatapos na ang problema.

Things would go back to its proper place.

Everything would be okay. No more lies; no more secrets.

Kaya ko ba? Kaya ko bang pakawalan siya the second time around? Kaya ko ba?

I can't.

In that instant, everything in me came to a halting realization.

"Wait."

At my voice, Racel paused and faced me again, hope flickering back in his eyes.

Desperation and fear driving me forward, I walked closer to him.

"I'm sorry," I weakly cried out. "'Di ko rin pala kaya. Don't go."

Racel slowly turned around and faced me. His eyes were wide in surprise and relief nang mag-angat siya ng tingin sa 'kin. He thumbed my cheeks gently, wiping away the tears.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I'm so stupid." Basag ang boses ko dahil sa sobrang pag-iyak. Huminga ako nang malalim. "I can't see you go." I closed my eyes. "I like you, too. Sobra-sobra. Kung alam mo lang."

Para akong nabunutan ng tinik sa mga sinabi kong 'yon.

"You finally admitted it," he breathed, equally surprised and in disbelief. "You mean it? All of it?"

I nodded.

My admission seemed to weigh heavy on him because he engulfed me into a crushing embrace after, his face buried in the crook of my neck.

"And your brothers?" he whispered.

"I don't know yet."

"We'll figure it out together," he said and pulled away. He gave me the most tender gaze before dipping in and kissing my forehead. "It's gonna be okay."

"It's gonna get complicated."

He cupped my cheek and leaned his forehead against mine. Nanlalambot ang mga tuhod ko. I clenched my fists around his arms for balance. He snaked his arm around my waist and put a hand on the small of my back, pressing me against him. We were too close now.

"Then try," he said. "Just try. Gamble. Risk with me."

I nodded. Hindi ko na kayang i-turn down siya. Now that he'd bared everything to me, I didn't have the heart to push him away. Not after this.

Halos malunod ako sa sobrang dami ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. I knew what this meant, seen it for a while now. Kahit ilang beses kong pigilan 'to, dito pa rin talaga papunta. I was falling. Hard and fast, if I hadn't yet.

Racel was right. What mattered most was us.

'Yon ang mas mahalaga sa 'kin. I was done hurting him. Now, I needed to think of a way for my brothers to understand, but in another day. Ngayon, siya ang mas importante sa 'kin.

"This is gonna be one tough helluva ride," I said. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling ang lakas ng loob na 'to but I was done being a coward. He mattered to me, I realized that now.

"I don't care," he murmured softly.

Wrapped in his arms, the only thing I could think of was how perfectly I belonged there. How safe I felt.

With everything I could, I tiptoed and planted my lips on him. It took him a full second to realize what I did before he completely took control.

In that very moment, the entire world around us melted away. I didn't care about anything else. Not Lhyle, not my brothers, not their stupid rivalry. Siya lang.