Hindi ako nakatulog nang gabing 'yon. Pagod na pagod ako kahit wala naman akong ginawa buong magdamag. Ni hindi nga ako nakapag-isip nang matino dahil gulong-gulo pa rin ako.

Tumawag nang tumawag si Racel pero kahit isa wala akong sinagot. It was unfair to him pero hindi ko rin kasi alam ang sasabihin ko. Ayoko rin sana siyang kausapin habang nagpapasya ako ng sunod na gagawin. Talking to him would cloud my judgment. Natatakot akong baka kapag narinig ko ang boses niya ay makalimot na ako sa mga sinabi ni Lhyle.

When I heard movements and voices downstairs, doon lang din ako bumaba. It was already ten a.m. 'Di ko ugaling late magising kaya malamang ay nag-aalala na rin ang mga kapatid ko.

Mom and Dad were already gone but three of my brothers were waiting in the dining room. Nakahanda na ang almusal pero wala pang kumakain sa kanila. Waiting for me? Probably. Ngumiti sina Kuya nang makita ako.

I sat beside Kuya Travis na bihis na bihis ngayon. He's probably going to the company, too.

"Hey, you good?" tanong ni Kuya Chris from across me.

Tumango ako at pinasadahan sila ng tingin. Where's Kuya Jacob? Itatanong ko sana but Kuya Andrei spoke up.

"Hulaan mo kung sinong nagluto kanina," he told me, all smiles.

Nag-angat ako ng kilay at tiningnan ang mga luto ngayon. Just the usual breakfast namin, except ngayon ay parang sunog yata ang iba sa mga ito?

"Bakit sunog?" I blurted out.

Nagngisian sina Kuya Chris at Kuya Andrei. Tumawa naman si Kuya Travis.

"Don't let Jacob hear that."

My eyes widened. Si Kuya ang nagluto ng breakfast ngayon?

"Para daw kumain ka. Hindi mo rin naman ginalaw yung dinala sa 'yo kagabi, e. Para daw ma-guilty ka," sabi ni Kuya Chris.

"Then where is he?"

"Lumabas lang saglit."

I nodded, getting quiet again. Kagabi ay napagtanto ko na dapat magsabi na ako sa kanila. Amidst my chaotic thoughts, 'yon lang ang naging conclusion ko. I should tell them. It's only right, 'di ba? Para mahinto na ang lahat. I'd stop lying and I'd also stop thinking about what-ifs.

This was it. The make or break. Dapat sa 'kin nila marinig. And now that they're all in good mood, mas malaki ang chances na pakinggan nila ko. I knew my brothers. Hindi sila basta basta makikinig.

This was a shot in the dark but I'd take it. Dapat ngayon na hanggat 'di pa ako nilalamon ng takot ulit. Right now, I felt numb. I should take this chance.

"Kuya. May sasabihin sana ako," I announced in a raspy voice.

"About what?"

"Buntis ka?"

Sabay na tanong nina Kuya Andrei at Kuya Chris. Agarang nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa narinig. What the fuck? Saan galing 'yon?

Seeing my bewildered reaction, humalakhak si Kuya Chris. Halatang nagulat din si Kuya Travis sa naging tanong. Lumingon siya sa 'kin to confirm if it was true.

"What the fuck, Kuya!"

"Oh ano? Totoo ba o hindi?" Tumatawa pa rin si Kuya Chris.

"Syempre hindi!"

Lumakas pa lalo ang tawa ni Kuya. "Alam ko. Pinapatawa lang kita."

I glowered at him. In that moment, dumating si Kuya Jacob na may dalang puting plastic. His face lit up upon seeing me.

"Oh, gising na ang prinsesa," he greeted with a smirk, sabay angat ng dala niya. "Sakto, may pasalubong ako. Pampa-good vibes."

Inabot niya sa 'kin 'yon. Ice cream. Lumabas siya para bilhin ito?

Umupo si Kuya Jacob sa tabi ni Kuya Andrei. "Ba't 'di pa kayo kumakain? Larga na. Malamig na ang masasarap na luto ko, fuckers!"

I set the ice cream aside, one thing na napansin ng mga kapatid ko. Nagsimula na silang kumain, tumatawa at nagkukwentuhan. Hindi ko sila masabayan.

May sasabihin ako. It had to be now.

Pero shit. Nanginginig ako sa kaba.

How do I break it to them?

Kuya Andrei noticed my unease. "You were saying?"

Nakatingin na rin sa 'kin ang iba. Ngiting ngiti si Kuya Jacob habang nakatuon sa 'kin ang mapanuring mata ni Kuya Travis. I cleared my throat. Ang aga aga ay pinagpapawisan ako.

"May sasabihin ka?" Kuya Jacob said, curious.

Biglang umurong ang dila ko. Kaya ko ba? Could I bear to ruin this? Na makita silang magalit sa 'kin?

"Just . . . " I sighed. Hindi ko kaya. "Sorry for last night. Ang brat ko do'n." I looked down in shame. Okay, Javee. You lost it. You blew the chance. Tangina.

My brothers all broke into smiles. Kuya Jacob reached out to ruffle my hair.

"Sus. Parang 'yon lang, e. Maliit na bagay."

Tumawa si Kuya Chris. "Tara kain."

They dug in again. Pinagmasdan ko kung gaano sila kasaya habang nag-uusap. They made it a point na isali ako sa bawat asaran. They were talking about Mathev's latest escapade. Obviously, sinusubukan nilang i-lift ang mood ko.

My brothers. My life. My world. Sa kanila talaga umiikot ang mundo ko. Hindi ko kayang sirain pa 'to.

Bakit ba kasi kailangan ko pang pumili? Hindi ba pwedeng tanggapin na lang nila si Racel?

I bit my lip.

Alam ko na ang sagot. My brothers are amazing but they are not perfect. Hindi nila kaya. Because of their damn pride, they will never be okay with Racel. I know that.

Matagal ko nang alam 'yon, e. Ako lang naman 'tong mahina na nagpadala pa rin sa agos. Now I had to face the consequences of my wrong decisions.

I didn't wanna lose anyone but something's gotta give and I knew whom I'm going to let go-whom I should choose. When I failed to tell them the truth, alam ko na ang sagot.

I'm sorry, Racel. I'm so sorry.

I'm afraid kahit friendship ay bawal na. Hanggang dito na lang yata tayo.

Natatakot ako. Would my choice be worth it?

#

Racel texted me the day after. For days he was calling me pero 'di ko siya sinagot. May mga pagkakataon na nagsasabi siyang inaabangan niya ako, to meet but I never came to him.

I've made up my decision. But was it the right one? Bakit ang sakit? Madalas nilang sabihin na dapat sundin mo ang puso mo. Paano yung ganito? Dalawa ang sinasabi sa 'kin ng puso ko?

I wanted both of them.

Anong dapat kong gawin? Kaya ko bang pandindigan 'to?

I knew it was unfair to avoid him but I didn't have the heart to tell him yet. Naduduwag ako. Hanggat hindi ako sigurado na kaya kong panindigan ang choice ko, wala akong lakas ng loob na humarap sa kanya.

I was weak. I couldn't believe it but it was the truth. I felt vulnerable.

Sa ilang araw na 'yon, hindi ako iniimik ni Lhyle. He made it a point not to talk to me at all dahilan para mapansin na nina Maxxie, Anjo, Hiro at Ahron ang nangyayari.

On the second day nang hindi niya pamamansin, kinausap na ako ng girls. They opened the topic over lunch habang kumakain kami sa UP Town.

"Okay, talk. Anong problema n'yong dalawa?" Anjo started, arms crossed.

"Wala. Simpleng tampuhan lang."

"Tologo? Parang hindi, e."

"Nakakapanibago kayo. Last n'yong ganitong away nung kay kupal pa," Maxxie said with a frown.

By kupal, she meant my ex.

'Di ako umimik. Siniko ni Hiro si Maxxie dahil do'n. Nagkatinginan kami ni Ahron. She raised a brow. Somehow, I knew that she knew. I nodded my affirmation.

Yes, babe. He found out.

Ahron simply shook her head, sighing.

"What? Totoo naman. Lhyle is a jerk pero para tiisin ka for two days? Something is up. What's wrong?"

I sighed, feeling tired of it all.

"'Wag na muna tayong magtanong," Hiro said in her sweet voice. "'Pag ready na si Jan, magsasalita naman 'yan."

Maxxie and Anjo looked reluctant but they eventually let it slide.

Sa mga lumipas na araw, sunud-sunod pa rin ang pasok sa 'kin ng mga text messages ni Racel. Parang dinudurog ang puso ko habang binabasa ang mga 'yon. How many days had it been? Three? Four? Hindi ko na rin alam. Each day felt like forever. Paano ko siya natitiis na hindi sagutin ay hindi ko na rin alam.

I'm getting desperate.

I need to know how you are.

You're making me crazy.

Javee, please answer the phone.

Napapikit ako nang makita ang tawag niya. I gave him a single text to tell him na maayos ako. 'Yon lang. I turned off my phone afterward.

I was unfair. Sinasaktan ko siya. I was hurting, too. Hindi pa ako handang kausapin siya. To burst our bubble. It would hurt us more. Ayoko pang harapin.

"Couz. Cheers," said Kuya Onyx, momentarily taking my attention. I spied the Jack Daniels shot he was giving me. Kinuha ko 'yon at dali-daling ininom.

"Whoa, whoa. Easy there," natatawang komento ni Gian na nakaupo sa tabi ng nakangiting si Zoey. "Birthday mo ba? Mas malakas ka pa tumirada kaysa sa 'kin, a? May pinagdaraanan?"

Right. It was Gian's birthday today. Nandito kami sa bahay nila sa Eton, Laguna para mag-celebrate. Our family and Zoey's. Kanina pa kami nandito pero ngayon pa lang nagsimula ang inuman.

"Look at you. Bibigyan n'yo ng shot, 'pag ininom, pupunahin n'yo? 'Wag gano'n," depensa para sa 'kin ni Kuya Nick. He stepped up beside me and placed a protective arm around my shoulder. He smiled when I looked up at him. "Ano, shot pa?"

Ngumisi ako. I shouldn't let them think na may mali sa 'kin. The last thing I want ay magtanong pa sila.

Hindi pa masyadong malalim ang gabi pero may tama na kaagad ang mga 'to. Mahirap man but I gave my best to act normal para hindi nila ako mapansin. So far so good naman.

"Hoy bata. Nakita mo ba ang tweet nitong utol mong kupal? Someone's fucking whipped," Mathev informed with a snicker.

"Hindi, e."

"Check mo dali."

I was reluctant. That meant I had to turn on my phone. Pero wala akong maidahilan gayong nakatingin sa 'kin si Mathev. I had no choice but to do as he told.

Messages and calls bombarded me as soon as the screen lit up. Agad akong nag-check ng Twitter para sa sinasabi ni Mathev. Sure enough, it was there. Kuya Chris was tweeting really vague things that could only hint marriage.

I immediately searched for him. Nandoon siya sa bandang gilid malapit sa pool, may kausap. Probably Ate Ara.

"He's planning to get married?"

"Damn right. Tangina. Mauuna pa sa panganay." Humalakhak si Mathev at naglakad papunta sa kakambal niya.

Wala akong kaalam alam na nagpaplano na pala si Kuya. Masyado pa siyang bata. I made a mental note to ask about this later.

Bumalik ang atensyon ko sa phone ko. Sa mga texts sa 'kin. Kinukurot ang puso ko. Reading through those messages gave me the urge to go to wherever he was and hug him tight, to never ever let go.

Siguro tipsy na rin ako. I suddenly got the strength to text him back. Hindi ko na natiis.

Can we meet?

His reply came in a half second. I gave him the details. Magkita kami in an hour doon kung saan kami laging tumatambay. It just had to be there.

As soon as we reached an agreement, nagpaalam na ako kina Kuya at sa mga pinsan ko. Lasing na ang boys kaya abala na sila sa harutan at panunuya. I easily slipped away from them.

Sa living room naman ay nagkakasiyahan din ang mga matatanda. Lumapit ako kina Mom and Dad na busy sa kinakain nilang buko pandan.

"Alis lang po ako saglit."

"Saan punta mo?" Dad asked.

"Sa Roxas po. I'm meeting a friend."

Mom squinted her eyes, checking me. "Nakainom ka, anak. 'Di ba pwedeng ipagpabukas?"

No, Mom. It should be now.

"Urgent po, e."

"Paano ka? You want me to drive you there?" Dad offered thoughtfully.

"I'll take a cab na lang po."

"Nakainom ka, Javee. It's dangerous," Mom reasoned.

"But, Mom," protesta ko.

Ang tawa ni Tita Geanna ang pumutol sa amin.

"Hayaan n'yo na si Javee," she piped in. "Go ahead, 'nak. Pasama ka na lang sa driver."

I smiled at her. "Thanks po."

The ride to Roxas Boulevard was pure hell for me. It was the worst. The closer we got, the more na natatakot ako, the more na naiinis ako sa sarili ko.

I was such a coward.

Cold hard truth.

Because it was already night time, hindi na kami na-traffic papunta doon. Smooth at mabilis ang naging byahe. Hindi na ako nagtaka na nando'n na siya when I arrived. When I spotted him from afar, para akong tinakasan ng huwisyo. All the alcohol in my system seemed to have gone away at sobrang aware na aware ako sa paligid ko.

Biglang nanlamig ang mga palad ko. The urge to bail became too great, and I felt like leaving kaso nakita niya kaagad ako.

Our eyes met. Halos kumawala ang puso ko. Damn, I missed him. I missed him so much.

I stayed frozen on the spot, suddenly not knowing how to move. Racel ran the distance between us. No words spoken, he pulled me into his crushing embrace. Every ounce of emotion he felt that night seeped into me with that single action. Concern. Fear. Worry. Anxiety. Lahat.

"Why weren't you answering my messages? I was so worried."

Napapikit ako. Naninikip ang dibdib ko sa boses niya na punong-puno ng pag-aalala.

I bit my lip, fighting back the building tears.

Tell me. How do I tell this man that I like so much na wala na, bawal na, kung ang gusto ko naman talaga magpatuloy pa? Paano? Teach me how to stop wanting him. Kasi hindi ko alam kung pano. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung ano ang dapat sabihin ngayon.

My mind had betrayed me once again.

Because words and reason fled me, I started with my actions.

Unwillingly, I peeled myself away and placed some distance between us. Sinubok niyang hawakan ako but I backed away. Surprise wavered across his handsome face. I looked away.

How? How do I start? I don't know . . . I really don't know.

"What's wrong?" malambing niyang sinabi. "What's going on?"

I placed a hand around my arm. It wasn't even cold tonight pero sobra ang panginginig ko.

"Racel, 'di na pwede. I think we need to stop this," I almost stammered. Mahinang-mahina lang ang boses ko but I knew he heard me.

"What do you mean?" agad niyang tanong, halatang nabigla sa narinig.

I took a shaky breath and braved looking up to him. "I'm saying," I whispered, "we can't be friends anymore. We can't keep seeing each other anymore."

Ang dami kong gustong sabihin. Ang dami kong gustong ipaliwanag pero ni isa walang lumabas.

"You're joking, right?" he asked in disbelief and confusion. "Alam kong may problema kayo ni Fuentez. I expected something bad but this? Gano'n-gano'n na lang?"

"I'm sorry." I looked down again, letting the tears fall. Ito na lang ang kaya kong sabihin because I was. I really was sorry.

"No," he said, shaking his head. He took a step closer, placing his hands on my arms. "No, you don't mean that. Are you really cutting us off?"

Hindi ako makasagot. Nagsimulang bumuhos ang mga luha ko.

"Javee, look at me," Racel pleaded. "C'mon, look at me. Tell me you're not serious."

"Sorry. Sorry talaga," I said.

"Why? Why should we stop? We're friends, aren't we? Wala naman tayong ginagawang mali."

"But this is wrong. I'm lying to my brothers. 'Pag nalaman nila 'to, lalo lang kayong mag-aaway."

"Let me handle that. Problema ko 'yan, hindi sa 'yo. Kung gusto mo, ako na mismo ang magsasabi sa kanila. Just don't do this," he said, his desperation coating his every word. He looked so lost, parang batang hindi alam ang gagawin, and so hurt na gustong-gusto ko siyang yakapin.

But I stopped myself. What good would that do?

I couldn't have my cake and eat it, too.

"'Di na talaga pwede," I begged him, looking up at him again. His eyes were filled with so much hurt and surprise that looking at them suffocated the life out of me. "It'll be better for us if you'll forget me na lang."

"No," he said vehemently. "No. I can't. I won't. How could you even ask me that?"

I couldn't bear to look at him pero hindi ko maialis ang paningin ko sa nangungusap niyang mga mata.

"Sorry talaga. Akala ko kaya ko, e. I really tried. Heck, I even fooled myself na okay ko sa friendship. But sorry." I was crying hard at this point. "I'm weak. Hindi pala kita kayang piliin at their expense. Natatakot akong magalit sa 'kin sina Kuya."

Unable to look at him anymore, I faced away and started walking. Racel grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. My back collided with his chest. Sinubukan kong kumawala but his arms kept me in place as he hugged me from behind.

"Don't do this, please. How can you drop me like this? Kasi ako, hindi ko kaya. I know you're choosing them. It's only right. It's very right. But fuck. I can't let you do this."

I stifled my sobs.

He sounded so broken. I broke him. I did this.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked in a desperate tone. "Why are you making it so damn hard for me? We haven't even started yet but you're already burning the bridge."

"I'm sorry."

I pried his arms away from me. He tightened his hold.

"Just try me. Take a chance with me. Javee, please."

"Sorry. I'm so sorry."

That night, I broke free from him with tears down my cheeks, and walked away knowing full well that I'd regret it all my life. I broke his heart and shattered mine in return. It was the worst feeling in the world.

At ang mas masakit pa na-realize ko kung gaano siya kaimportante sa 'kin nang mawawala na siya. It fucking hurt.

Naiinis ako. Why was it so fucking easy for me to surrender?

Nang gabing 'yon, wala akong na-receive na text o kahit ano mula kay Racel.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit hinihintay ko pa. I should be happy, right? Ginusto ko 'to, e. I pushed him away. Now I should accept my fucking punishment.

But damn. Akala ko kakayanin ko. Hindi pala.