Who was I kidding?

We were definitely not just friends. I was just deluding myself, hiding under that pathetic guise, para may rason akong makita pa siya. Ano na lang sasabihin ni Kuya Jacob?

Or was I even afraid of Kuya pa? Was I afraid of myself more?

If people saw how we acted last night, no one with a right mind would believe us na magkaibigan lang kami. If I couldn't even fool myself, I could never fool anyone. Besides, I had this feeling that Racel didn't even want to settle with just friendship. Magkaiba kami ng stand. Ako para hindi kami gaanong masaktan. Siya, he'd only settled for me, to make sure I wouldn't end everything.

He didn't have to worry. I didn't think kaya ko pang gawin 'yon. I'd fallen way beyond. There's no turning back. We entered this stage of in-between without my knowing. Kahit na pinigilan ko, no matter how hard I emphasized we were just friends, we were completely acting like lovers. Lovers without any labels.

Sa madaling salita, M.U.

Fuck.

I should've ended things before it escalated to this point but what was I to do?

I buried myself on the pillows, grunting.

I hated this. Kung dati ay attracted lang ako kay Racel, ngayon siguradong sigurado na akong gusto ko siya. Gustung gusto. At naiinis ako na nangyari 'to sa kabila ng pagpigil ko sa sarili ko. I knew the repercussions. Yet here I was. I couldn't control myself.

Natatakot ako. Natatakot akong magustuhan siya. Natatakot akong magmahal. Natatakot ako na gusto niya din ako.

I wasn't ready to gamble. On top of my fear of my brothers was my fear of getting hurt and played again. I loved Rohann with everything I had before. He left me broken and vulnerable. Now I was going through the same thing and I was afraid I'd end up the same.

Pero wala na akong magagawa. Wala namang nagawa ang pagpipigil ko.

Akala ko kapag naintindihan ko na ang boys, kapag alam ko na ang mga players, magiging immune na ako sa kanila; na mas magkaka-control ako sa sarili ko. I was so stupid to think I could control my heart, that I was above love. I prided myself with this, only to have it backlash on me big time.

Ni hindi ko nga alam kung anong klase si Racel when it comes to love. Was he a player? Sabi niya, hindi. Sa nakikita ko, parang hindi rin. But one can never know.

If he's not, then what kind of lover was he? What would he want from a girl? I wasn't even sure if he wanted anything serious with me. Sure, he kept on hinting that he liked me, that he wanted more. Kahit ayokong mag-assume, obvious naman. 'Yon lang, hindi ako sigurado kung it automatically meant na he wanted a relationship. Did he? Did I?

Shit. Ayokong malaman. Natatakot ako sa posibleng mangyari.

This was all I could offer. Even though I wanted so much more of him. Hanggang dito lang ang kayang ibigay ng kaduwagan ko.

It occured to me then. That I was really really selfish.

***

On Saturday, I was edgy and antsy. We were supposed to go out today pero sa ginawa ko, tuloy pa ba kami? Hindi ako mapakali kahit na nung nasa klase ako. Tingin ako nang tingin ko sa phone ko but I wasn't receiving any text message.

Pupunta pa ba ako mamaya? Would I be waiting in vain?

Napailing ako when I realized that's probably what he'd been doing all this time-waiting in vain.

After classes, hindi pa muna ako umuwi. Still no text from Racel. Tumambay na lang muna ako sa library to review my notes. But that was hard to do when all I could remember were his lips and his hurt expression that day.

Nagsisisi ako that I even said it.

A beep notified me of a tweet. Nagmadali pa akong basahin 'yon, thinking it was Racel. But I saw Angelo's Twitter instead.

Angelo C @NglCstll • 20m

↪️ Replying to @JamieAnnav

aw. hang soon, jamie v!!

🤍 789

Reply niya ito sa tweet ko kanina na nasa library lang ako.

Javee @JamieAnnav • 19m

↪️ Replying to @NglCstll

Gonna be busy :p Christmas na soon.

🤍 230

Angelo C @NglCstll • 5m

↪️ Replying to @JamieAnnav

but i miss u :((

🤍 578

Javee @JamieAnnav • 10m

↪️ Replying to @NglCstll

Haha so? Go back to your studies, Geon.

🤍 230

Angelo C @NglCstll • 5m

↪️ Replying to @JamieAnnav

awshit u call me geon na? dont!!

🤍 499

Javee @JamieAnnav • 10m

↪️ Replying to @NglCstll

why not?

🤍 300

Angelo C @NglCstll • 5m

↪️ Replying to @JamieAnnav

call me angelo lang. Its sweeter ;))) more kilig

🤍 500

Natawa ako sa kalokohan niya. Thank goodness for Angelo's distraction. Even just a little, the tension in my chest ebbed away.

It's almost thirty minutes now. I was starting to think na hindi na talaga tuloy ang lakad namin ngayon. Sighing and dissing myself for my actions, I stood up and left the library.

The text message went in then.

Still waiting here.

My heart leapt to my throat. Still waiting here? Kanina pa siya doon?

I panicked. Nagmadali akong nagpunta ng Old Beans. I was a bundle of nerves. I had no face to show him pero ayoko naman palipasin ang araw na 'to without us talking. Oo na. Selfish na.

He was by his car when I found him. I quickly entered and he drove immediately to Mall of Asia.

As I expected. Hindi niya ako pinapansin. Nakakabingi yung silence sa pagitan namin. His face was straight and cold, his attention solely on the road.

Gusto kong mag-sorry but wouldn't that be meaner?

Kinagat ko ang labi ko. I felt mad guilty.

"Hey," I started lamely. Should I say what's up or kamusta? Fuuuudge.

Hindi pa rin sumasagot si Racel. Even when I stared at him, he continued to drive without so much as a sideway glance. He was unfeeling as he was mad. I lost nerve then kaya I just glued my mouth shut the entire time.

Well. I deserved this.

We got caught up in traffic. Nagulat ako when he spoke up.

"How's he doing?" he asked in a cold and clipped voice na first time ko marinig from him.

Naguluhan ako. I turned to him. "Sino?"

"Castillo."

"You're . . . asking about Angelo?" I asked to clarify, getting more confused.

Until it clicked.

He must've seen the tweets.

"Yeah. You were really busy talking to him that you forgot about me."

My eyes widened. He completely misunderstood! Akala niya nakipag-usap ako kay Angelo kaya ako natagalan!

"Hindi sa gano'n." My voice lowered. "I thought . . . baka 'di na kasi tayo tuloy . . . "

Nanahimik siya for a minute. He said again, "You're awfully close to him."

"It's not like that. We're friends."

"We are friends."

"It's not the same."

"How?" Racel repeated in a hard tone. "Not the same, how?"

Hindi ako nabigyan ng chance na makasagot. He suddenly swerved the car to the side of the road and stopped abruptly. I heard him curse loudly. Hinampas niya ang manibela.

I stiffened in shock sa ginawa niya.

"I don't understand anymore." Huminga siya nang malalim at matalim akong tiningnan. "This is hardly fair. He can be so open with you, he can always see you pero ako," he cursed. "Bakit 'pag ako, hindi pwede? Bakit 'pag ako, bawal? Ayaw mo na? Lumalayo ka na?"

Natahimik ako. It wasn't just about Angelo. He was still furious about what I said.

Yumuko ako, unable to meet his gaze. Naghalo ang kaba, takot at guilt sa 'kin.

"I just wish you don't easily brush me off. Kasi ang dali sa 'yo. It's so fucking easy for you to push me away all the damn time."

Tears pooled in my eyes. I wiped them off bago pa sila tumulo. Racel drew a sigh then. Napatingin ako sa kanya.

Probably at the sight of my tears, his face softened.

"I'm sorry. I'm just . . . really damn jealous. I want that right, too, and it's frustrating when you ignore what I feel."

But you're wrong. It's not easy for me to ignore you. It's not yours I wanted to avoid, it's mine. Dahil sa oras na bigyan pansin ko 'yon, baka makalimot na ako.

Then we would be hurting people. We might hurt each other, too. But I knew that was bull. I was already hurting him now.

"I'm sorry," I managed to say. 'Yon lang ang tanging nasabi ko. What was there to say pa? I was the jerk in this situation.

Tahimik na ulit siya. His hard gaze was back on the wheel, face hardened and devoid of emotions. His knuckles were already turning white sa sobrang higpit non.

"I'm sorry," I repeated. "Babawi ako. Promise."

Still no reaction from him.

"Racel . . . "

He reluctantly faced me. "Gano'n lang kadali sa 'yo? Damn. You definitely know how to work me up."

"I'm really sorry. I don't know what came over me. Babawi ako. What do you want? C'mon. I'll do it. Kahit ano." I said again, "What do you want?"

Mabilis ang sagot niya. "Ikaw lang."

Natahimik ako.

He sighed. "But you already know that."

"Racel," I stammered.

He took a deep breath and revved the engine to life. His eyes were piercing against mine. "Let's meet tomorrow. Let's go out on a proper date."

"Magkasama na tayo ngayon, 'di ba?"

"Same place. I'll wait." He turned to the road and drove again.

"Wait lang. 'Di pa ako pumapayag," I said, starting to think ahead na. Sunday bukas. I wasn't sure if may lakad kami with the parentals.

Hindi sumagot si Racel.

No choice, bumungong hininga ako at tumingin sa mga nadadaanan namin.

"It's family day tomorrow. But okay. I'll try," I mumbled and stole a glance at him. "Okay na tayo?" I asked carefully.

Hindi pa rin siya umiimik.

"Hindi pa rin?" I asked, incredulous. "I just agreed to a date. You're still mad?" I said the rest of my words with puppy dog eyes.

His mouth twitched. Dahil do'n, alam kong malapit na siyang bumigay.

I leaned forward and getting braver, poked a finger to his cheek.

"Ayiie. Ngingiti na."

A tiny smile escaped his lips. Maliit lang. I knew he was still mad.

"There we go!" I said.

Racel captured my finger and grabbed that moment to interlace our fingers.

He sighed. "But only because I can't stay mad for too long," he told me then wore a firm expression. "And you must know. I'm not giving up."

I let a grin work its way on my face. I felt relieved. Alam kong galit pa siya but this was better than nothing.

Before long, Racel was returning my grin with one of his own. Doon ko lang na-realize. Hindi niya ako matiis the same way na hindi ko rin siya kayang tiisin.

"Can we have music?" I asked then. "Okay lang?"

Tumango siya. Kinalikot ko ang sound system ng BMW niya.

Sakto, Passenger Seat was playing. One of my favorites.

We let ourselves melt into the song. He liked the song din siguro kasi his fingers were drumming with mine kasabay ng tugtog.

Around the chorus, nagulat ako when he sang along.

"And I've got all that I need right here in the passenger seat," he sang.

Nakangiti na siya, his trademark peaceful smile back on his face. Hindi ko matanggal ang tingin sa kanya. Ang unfair. Sanay na ako sa mga gwapo but I swear, he couldn't have looked more ravishing then.

Racel turned to me and continued singing. "And I can't keep my eyes on the road knowing that she's inches from me."

I could just melt with him there and then. Umaapaw ang nararamdaman ko for this guy. Nagwawala ang mga kulisap sa tiyan ko. Naghuhuramentado ang buong sistema ko.

Racel wasn't that great in singing. His vocals weren't as great as Mathev or Dash Lim. Pero may dating. Ewan ko if that's because I liked him so much pero it struck me so much with feelings and kilig-more than any other singers out there could.

I tightened my grip on his hand.

I don't ever want to let go of this hand. Please.

He hummed the rest of the song. A few more songs played pero nothing unlike Passenger Seat. Actually, hindi ko na nga matandaan kung ano ang mga 'yon dahil na-stuck na yata ako sa mini serenade niya.

I was still in that bewitched state when we reached Mall of Asia. After he parked, may inabot siya sa likod ng car. He wore that silly big glasses and black cap before we climbed out of the car.

Tumawa ako. "Are you going to wear that every time we go to malls?"

"It helps a little. People won't recognize me much."

Hm. Pwede but he's tall. Pansinin pa rin siya.

"Ano ka, si Clark Kent? I feel like I'm dating an actor."

I only realized what I said when he grinned. I paused.

"This is a date?"

"Friendly date," I said and walked ahead of him, embarrassed. Syempre, nasundan niya ako with just few strides.

Damn, Javee. You and your mouth. Sa ganitong slips ako usually nahuhuli, e.

"A date," inulit niya sabay tawa. "Why are you so nervous about it?"

"I'm not nervous."

"This isn't the first time we did this," he said, "hiding, at that, too."

"Oh, my god. Stop implying na may hidden affair tayo."

Sinuntok ko ang braso niya at nagmadaling pumasok sa mall. Hoshet. Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko sa mga sinasabi niya. He's getting bolder and I don't know, surer? Parang hindi kami nag-away kanina lang.

Umikot-ikot kami sa mga boutiques, checking every item na pwedeng ibigay kay Christelle. We stopped for a while para bumili ng waffles when I saw a message from Lhyle.

Bes:

Where u at?

Me:

Mall. Shopping.

Bes:

Cno kasama?

I hesitated. Here goes another lie.

Me:

Ako lang.

I felt bad for lying again to Lhyle. But when Racel turned to me and raised his brows to silently ask me what was up, I brushed it aside. Ayokong sirain 'tong araw. We started out pretty rough kanina. I was determined to end it properly today.

We scouted around for another hour. Medyo nahirapan kaming maghanap ng gift. Paano kasi, ayaw pumasok sa ibang boutiques ni Racel. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Bigla bigla din siyang nawawala kapag nagtitingin ako ng mga damit. Naisip ko nga kung gift pa ba kay Christelle ang hinahanap namin. He seemed distracted already.

And I confirmed that after he asked me kung may gusto daw ba ako do'n.

Umiling ako at pinaalala sa kanya yung main purpose namin. He just laughed it off.

Bumabalik sa 'kin yung first time na ginawa namin 'to. When he bought me that dress. I hadn't even worn it once. I wanted to keep it as a memento sana.

We wandered around some more. I smiled big at the sight of Racel na tumitingin ng rings. Kanina, we entered the jewelry shop. Nakabili na ako ng cute mug for Christelle. I wanted to give her a cute bracelet sana. Meanwhile 'tong si Racel, wala pa ring nabibili.

"Are you gonna give her a ring na lang?" I asked as I stepped beside him. Tinignan ko ang mga collections na nando'n.

"Do you prefer silver band or gold?"

His question caught me offguard. He shifted his gaze to me and waited for my answer.

"Silver," I said, slowly realizing what was happening. Was he planning to give me one?

Ngumiti si Racel at kinausap ulit ang sales lady. Habang abala siya doon, binayaran ko na yung bracelet na napili ko for Christelle. Nagmamadali pa nga ako dahil baka siya pa ang magbayad no'n.

When I returned to his side, tapos na siya makipag-usap sa sales lady. He ended up purchasing a couple ring. Hindi pa man kami nakakalabas ng store, sinuot na niya sa 'kin 'yon.

It was a very simple thing. Silver band with a white diamond sa middle part.

He was smiling so wide habang tinitignan niya 'yon around my right ring finger.

I squinted at him. Syempre, nagpipigil ako ng kilig.

"I thought we came here for Christelle."

"Bagay sa 'yo. Can you put this ring on mine?" he said, completely ignoring yung sinabi ko.

I did as he said. Isusuot ko sana 'yon sa left middle finger niya but he directed me to his ring finger instead. I looked up to his face after. Hindi man obvious na tuwang tuwa siya, Racel was smiling that sexy Gutierez grin and I knew that one act made him happy.

"When's your birthday?" tinanong niya. Pinagpatuloy na namin ang paghahanap ng regalo for Christelle. We just entered the department store.

"February pa."

"Your debut?"

"Yup."

"Good."

I glanced up to him. "Good?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "I'll buy you something."

My chest fluttered at his words.

Halos maggagabi na nang matapos kami sa paghahanap. So far, ang nabili lang ni Racel para kay Christelle ay dalawang bag.

"Ang lame ng binili mo. Bag? Really? How original?" I teased, laughing.

"You're one to talk. As if bracelets are original."

"Hey. Personalized 'tong isa with her name."

He shrugged dismissively.

"Lalaki ka nga. Tamad pumili."

"That's why I asked for your help."

"E pa'no tayo makakapili, ayaw mo rin naman pumasok sa ibang stalls. Tamad." I snuck out a tongue.

He chuckled and snaked an arm around my waist. "Don't worry. I'll be better with you. I'll make sure na mas maganda ang mga ibibigay ko sa 'yo."

I snorted playfully. "I don't want your gifts, Gutierez."

"Too bad it doesn't depend on you."

I grinned at him.

"Gutierez!"

It happened way too fast. One second, Racel was right beside me; the next second, he was on the floor, touching the corner of his mouth. It would definitely bruise. Heads instantly whipped in our direction. We attracted an immediate crowd.

Eyes wide, I turned to the guy who punched him. Ang galit na galit na mga mata ni Lhyle ang sumalubong sa 'kin. He was blazing with fury when his eyes met mine.

My heart almost stopped. Ngayon ko lang siya nakitang gano'n. Ngayon lang nagalit ng ganito si Lhyle and it's directed at me.

At Racel and me.