A call woke me up the next morning. Lazily, I grabbed my phone and pressed it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Goodmorning, sleepyhead," greeted the beaming voice on the other end.

Napatingin ako sa oras. It was just six in the morning. I groaned, mumbling, "Angelo, it's Sunday. Why are you waking me up so early?"

"Why, aren't you happy to hear my sexy voice first thing in the morning?" he said exuberantly, his words slightly slurring at the end, before he proceeded to sing an itchyworm song. He then hiccuped and said something I couldn't understand to someone. Then I heard laughter.

Kinusot ko ang mata ko at bumangon. "Are you drunk?"

There was a laugh and then I heard several voices on the other line. "No, yeah, kind of."

"Where are you? Sino kasama mo?"

"Who else? Your bros--the dynamic duo--Jacob and Andrei, Shane, and my bro, Storm. Do you remember him? He's a student in Ignatio. We're at Eris to eat breakfast before we go home. Anyway, I'm calling early to ask you if you wanna go to Bacolod on my birthday? What do you say? Let's go?"

His birthday. That was roughly two months from now. It was already September.

"I don't know, dude. November fifteen ang birthday mo. Medyo alanganin since bago pa lang ako sa work. Baka hindi ako payagan mag-leave."

"Even though your boss is your kuya?" I could hear the disappointment in his voice.

"He's not directly my boss, you know that," I said, trying to soften my voice.

"Aw, man! But I wanted to go with you. Cari and Andrei aren't pwede rin." Then I heard some shuffling. "No go, dude. She can't go. Yeah, maybe some other time."

Feeling guilty, I added, "I'll try na lang, okay? Papaalam ako. But I can't promise."

"Really? Okay, okay!" he exclaimed. "Bro, cancel that. We might be able to go. Yeah, yeah. I'll update you. Puta, don't eat my lasagna."

"But no promises, ha. Hindi pa sure na papayagan ako!" I added urgently.

"Okay, Jamie V. Let me know. Go back to sleep na. Goodnight, love you! Jacob says fuck you--oh, wait. That was for me." He laughed again. "Heto na, ibababa na. Fuck, so overprotective, I love it."

Hindi na ako nakatulog ulit after that call. Napaisip na tuloy ako sa gusto kong iregalo sa kanya. Last time kasi, simpleng mga bagay lang naman ang binibigay ko sa kanya. Wallet, shirt. Mga ganyan lang. But this time was different. Bukod kasi sa sasakto sa month ng board exam niya ang birthday niya, may work na rin ako. I was earning my own money kaya gusto ko sanang may maibigay sa kanya from my own pocket. Pilit kong iniisip kung paano magiging special ang ibibigay ko sa kanya. Gusto ko kasi yung mapapaisip siya. Katulad no'ng binigay niyang pandora bracelet sa 'kin na even now ay hindi ko alam ang dahilan. Bracelet na lang din kaya? And then para mas special, dapat may naka-engrave?

But what?

I kept thinking of his birthdate. November fifteen. Roman numeral kaya? Or time of his birth?

November fifteen, time. November fifteen, time. Paulit-ulit yung idea sa isip ko.

Sakto akong napalingon sa wall clock ko. Then all of a sudden, an idea struck my head.

Holy shit.

I hastily fired up my laptop and searched for good brands. Gusto ko sana magandang klase ang ibibigay ko sa kanya. A few stores showed up. Yung iba nasa ibang bansa pa. Pwede sana akong magpabili kina Dad sa States kaso baka matagalan pa sa shipment. Humanap ako sa malapit-lapit lang. Good thing I found one that I liked at sakto, sa Singapore available 'yon.

Kaya nang nag-usap kami ni Lhyle sa Facetime later that afternoon, humiling akong bilhan niya ako noon.

Lhyle furrowed his brows at me. "Nakakaselos ka na. Pinaghahandaan mo talaga ang birthday niya, ah?"

Ngumuso ako. "Ganyan din naman ako sa tuwing birthday mo, 'di ba? I even had to look everywhere para mabili lang ang mga limited edition toys mo."

"They're not toys! They're collectibles!"

I shrugged. "Same difference."

"Tss. Anyway, you want it engraved? Why 12:45?" Lhyle raised a brow.

I grinned. "Secret. Try to guess."

"Time of his birth?"

"Nope."

He lifted a brow, impatient. "Why nga?"

"Basta. That's for me to know and for you to find out." 

Napangisi ako. Kung hindi niya alam, malamang hindi rin mage-gets ni Angelo. It was only fair. Hanggang ngayon kasi hindi ko pa rin alam ang ibig sabihin nitong red light charm na binigay niya sa 'kin. This would make us even.

"Fine. Ang daya mo."

"Kailan ba magiging uwi mo?"

"Baka summer next year. Ipapadala ko na lang 'to kay Mama. Uuwi naman siya d'yan sa undas."

"Ang tagal naman ng undas."

"Baka mas maaga pa. 'Di ko pa sigurado, I'll find out to be sure."

"Ikaw, when ka uuwi?"

"Toxic lang sa ngayon kaya hindi ako makakauwi sa December. I need to cover some events this Christmas. Alam mo naman, in demand na ang bes mo ngayon," he boasted as he waggled his eyebrows.

"Yabang! But seriously. I miss you, bes," I said softly. "And honestly, I think the girls miss you, too. Lalo na si Maxx."

"Sus. Parang hindi kami nagkakausap, ah?"

That made me grin. "So you're talking?"

"Oo naman. And what do you mean she's missing me? She's seenzoning me most of the time."

Tumawa ako. "Grabe kayo. Hanggang chat, aso't pusa kayo." Then I added, smiling broadly. "But promise me, ha. Uuwi ka soon."

Lhyle flashed his crooked smile. "Of course. Miss ko na kayo, eh."

Hindi ko na muna kinwento sa kanya ang tungkol kay Racel. He was busy. Ayokong mag-alala pa siya sa 'kin when he should be focusing on his job.

***

First thing I did at work the following week was ask my supervisor if I could take a leave. She didn't shoot me down right away. Sabi niya itatanong niya muna sa manager namin kung pwede ba akong mag 4-days leave, but she told me not to expect too much. Baka kasi at the very most, isang araw lang ang ma-approve. Busy kasi ngayon at bago pa lang din ako.

Hindi ako nagpumilit dahil ayoko namang mabigyan ng special attention just because I was a De Villa.

Sinabi ko 'yon kay Angelo and his only response was: No pressure, Jamie V.

Kaya mag-iisip na lang ako ng plan B in case hindi nga ako payagan. I asked my colleagues for some ideas.

"Masyado ka naman yatang ume-effort d'yan, Javee? Kayo ba?" tanong ni Sol during lunch break.

I looked up from my food and saw all the girls staring at me and waiting for my answer. Kumikinang ang mga mata nila at excited sa isasagot ko. They'd seen Angelo before no'ng sinundo ako no'ng nakaraan and they instantly formed a crush on him. Tuwang-tuwa pa nga sila sa tuwing pinakikita ko sa kanila ang mga pictures namin. Sol even followed him on Instagram.

"Oo nga. Sure ka bang mag-best friends lang talaga kayo?" Mina added before she put her food in her mouth.

"Oo naman. Binabalik ko lang 'yong mga binibigay niya sa 'kin. He deserves it. Besides, 'di lang naman ako ang best friend niya. 'Di lang din siya ang sa 'kin."

"Sure? Eh, pa'no kung ma-in love siya sa 'yo?"

I thought about it and momentarily pictured it in my head. His teasing and flirty jokes flashed in my head, followed by his reassurances na alam niya ang limit namin. I laughed and shook their question away. "Imposible. Makulit lang 'yon but he knows we're only friends."

"Sayang naman kung gano'n," Ann said with a sigh. "Bagay pa naman kayo. You guys know each other deeply tapos comfortable and secure ka sa kanya. Best friends are the best lovers daw, sabi nila."

"Kaso hindi pwede. Pa'no kung 'di mag-work out? Eh, 'di sayang na kagad 'yong foundation nila. Mahirap bumalik," sagot ni Sol sa kanya.

"Agree with Sol. Kaya si Lhyle at Angelo, promise, best friends ko lang sila," I said with finality.

"Okay. Enough with AC. Sino naman 'yong last time, 'te? Bakit ka sinusundo ni Racel Gutierez sa work?" Mina asked me.

None of them were aware that we had a relationship kasi although kumalat naman sa iba 'yon, hindi naman talaga gano'ng naging matunog ang relasyon namin. We kept it lowkey, even on social media.

"He's my ex," simpleng sagot ko lang na halatang nagpagulat sa kanila. "Wala na 'yon. Nangamusta lang."

They must have felt my discomfort because they didn't press for more information. Hindi na naungkat pa ulit 'yong tanong na 'yon nang bumalik kami sa work dahil naging busy na rin kami sa mga hiring requirements namin. Buong araw akong nag-sourcing lang for applicants kaya nananakit na ang mga mata ko by the time na tapos na ang office hours.

I decided to book a ride na lang kaysa hintayin pa si Kuya Travis na pabalik pa lang ng office from a business meeting with a partner.

"Bye, Javee!" the girls said as they walked past me.

I nodded at them and fished out my phone to start booking when someone walked up to me. Una kong napansin ang pamilyar na amoy ng pabango niya.

My breath hitching, I turned up and locked gazes with Racel. Pormal ang suot niya pero wala na ang coat at tie. Hindi na rin nakabutones ang taas ng white longsleeves niya. He must have come straight from work.

I immediately averted my gaze and started to walk away from him but he blocked my way.

"Wait, Javee," he said  in a hoarse voice, sending goosebumps all over my arms. "Bigyan mo naman ako ng pagkakataon na kausapin ka. Hear me out, please."

Naalala ko ang sinabi ni Justin, how he wasn't the same after the break-up, and I felt bad. Ginawa ko na nang isang beses. Kaya ko pa bang ulitin? Could I walk away once more and trap him in this torture for a long time?

Guilt gnawed at me and then I realized the answer to my question.

I wasn't that cruel.

So slowly, I turned back to him and nodded. "Okay." Mukhang hindi niya inaasahan ang sagot ko dahil nanlaki ang mga mata niya.

"Okay?"

"Yeah. Tara." I led him to the nearest cafe. Naghanap ako ng table habang pumipila siya para um-order. Nang makahanap ako ng bakante, I gave a silent prep talk to myself. Kaya ko 'to.

Bakit ba ako takot na takot when I knew I was decided na? Natatakot ba akong mababali niya ang desisyon ko? Kahit na sigurado na 'ko sa sarili ko?

When Racel returned, I straightened my back and placed my phone back inside my bag.

"I ordered Banoffee and dark mocha. I hope you still like them."

My chest stirred. He still remembered. I clenched my fists under the table to prevent them from shaking. "Thanks."

"How are you doing?" mahinang tanong niya.

I summoned all my self-composure to answer him as calm as I could. "Good, to be honest. It was a great few months. You? I heard you went abroad."

"I did. I went back a few weeks ago but I had to go to Italy for a few days. Kababalik ko lang. Ikaw ang pinuntahan ko kagad. I wanted to see you."

I sucked in a breath but I didn't say anything. My heart was pounding in my chest, but I schooled my expression so he wouldn't notice the storm he was starting inside me. Damn it. Hanggang kailan ba siya magkakaro'n ng epekto sa 'kin?

"Justin said he saw you at Highstreet."

"He did. He looked good." I cleared my throat. "Ikaw din. Work suits you." 

"It's too early to say that, but I have high hopes. I like the company I got into."

Tipid akong ngumiti, sinusubok na kalimutan 'yong kirot na namumuo sa dibdib ko habang bumabalik sa 'kin ang mga napag-usapan namin dati. Buti na lang tumayo siya para kunin ang mga orders namin kaya nakahinga ako nang maluwag kahit ilang sandali lang.

Dala niya ang mga in-order niya nang bumalik siya at dahan-dahang nilapag ang mga 'yon sa table.

I took a sip of the mocha frappe before I studied his face. He was a bit thinner compared to before, dala na rin siguro ng pagod sa trabaho, but that didn't stop him from looking good. Bagay sa kanya ang maging isang professional. He was rocking the aura too damn well.

"Are you in your apprenticeship now? Ilang taon lang, you can take the licensure. Finally, maaabot mo na ang mga pangarap mo. Makukuha mo na ang lahat ng gusto mo. You must be thrilled," sabi ko to break the awkward silence.

"Not all," mabilis niyang sagot. Malalim niya akong pinagmasdan. "What's the worth of all these if I'm losing the one who's most important to me? I'm doing this for us."

Napapikit ako at napahinga na rin nang malalim. This was not how I envisioned our first talk after break-up would be. Dahil naka-move on na 'ko, I thought I'd be more collected and levelheaded. Sa halip, parang may impyerno na nagbabaga sa dibdib ko. It was suffocating.

I expected naman na he'd try to do this dahil 'yon nga ang parang pinararating ni Justin nang magkita kami. But I didn't realize it would feel this hard and painful. Like I was breaking up with him the second time around. Kahit kasi nasira kami sa gano'ng paraan, ayoko siyang makitang nasasaktan kasi inaamin ko, I still cared for him. He was the guy I gave my heart to. Of course he still had space in my heart.

I opened my eyes and said, "Racel, please. When we talked last year, akala ko klaro na tayo. We're done." I tried to sound cool but shit, my voice came out unsteady instead.

"I never agreed to that. I don't remember agreeing to our break-up. Binigyan lang kita ng space because that's what you wanted and I respected your decision," he explained. He slid the banoffee pie toward me. "Eat. I know you like this one."

I ignored the pie, the gap between my brows creasing. "Why are you doing this? You moved on na rin naman, 'di ba? Umalis ka. Bakit ka pa bumalik? You shouldn't have come back to me. Dapat pinagpatuloy mo na ang pagmu-move on mo."

"That's not what I did, baby," he said softly, the look on his face melting into a gentle and tender expression. "I left the country but I never left you. Nothing changed. I still feel the same." He added, "I had to leave because staying here was hard if I couldn't see you. I had to leave to give you the space that you needed. I was hoping the right time will come when you'll be ready to give me another chance." Huminga siya nang malalim at kabado akong tiningnan. "Am I too late? May iba na ba?"

Nanunuyo ang lalamunan ko nang umiling ako. "Wala, walang iba. Pero wala na ring tayo. Wala na tayong babalikan. Mas okay na yung ganito."

"You can't mean that. I know what I did is unforgivable, but please give me a chance to prove myself. I'll do better. Hindi ko na uulitin 'yon. I'll be honest to you," he said, his voice taking a pleading note. He tried reaching for my hand but I pulled it away before he could make any skin contact.

"But ayoko na. Sinabi ko na 'yon, 'di ba? Why do you keep hurting yourself like this?" I said in a low voice.

"Because I have to try," he answered without missing a beat, sounding resolute. "I can't lose you like this. If you see the one person you're sure of, will you let it go just like that? No, you have to try, or you'll regret it all your life. If anything, ikaw ang nagturo sa 'kin n'on."

"We're bad for each other, Racel. We can't be selfish again." I added, hoping to God he'd understand. "I am bad for you."

"Why do you say that?" he asked in a whisper, his eyes searching mine, gauging me for my thoughts, begging for me to accept him again, and God how much I wanted to cave in right then and there but I remembered Angelo and my promise to him and so I managed to stop myself from falling for his words again. "You were never bad for me. If anything, it was you who taught me how to fight for the things that matter."

A lump formed in my throat as my chest constricted. I could feel the telltale signs of tears in my eyes. "I can't do this anymore. I'm so sorry. It's a mistake to even talk to you." I stood up but he was quick to stop me by grabbing my wrist and holding me in place. The sudden touch made my skin tingle so I retracted my hand like he was a live wire.

"You don't love me anymore?" namamaos na bulong niya at nahihimigan ko ang takot at sakit doon.

Natahimik ako. Hindi ko siya matingnan. Sa totoo lang, habang mas tumatagal na naririto ako, mas nagiging mahirap sagutin ang tanong na 'yon. I told myself I moved on. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko na rin siya hinahanap-hanap. Kaya ko nang wala siya.

But why was it na ngayong narito na siya sa harap ko, suddenly umuurong ang dila ko? Dahil ba unang pag-uusap namin 'to? Dahil ba mahal ko pa? Dahil mahalaga sa 'kin ang pinagsamahan namin? O dahil natatakot akong masaktan ko pa siya?

Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko.

"Tell me." He walked closer, stopping when he was finally in front of me. I hung my head low, my gaze trained on the floor. as I tried to put an explanation to my chaotic responses to him.

"If I say yes, will you stop?" bulong ko.

"No, I'll win you back," he replied firmly before his voice turned desperate and I could feel the hurt building in his tone. "But answer me first, baby. Hindi mo na ba 'ko mahal?"

I stifled a sob. Why was this hurting me so much? "Hindi na," I finally said, thanking the heavens that my voice didn't crack.

Using his fingers, he lifted my chin to level our gazes. I could see the maelstrom of emotions swirling beneath his hooded eyes: all pain, desperation, and fear. Nasaktan siya sa sagot ko but that didn't stop him from trying to read me if it was the truth or not. Lumunok ako.

Racel furrowed his brows. "You're lying. I can see it in your eyes. You've always been bad at lying. You still love me. It may not be the same as before but I'd take whatever is left, however little. I'm sorry." He ran a thumb across my cheek, but as if he was burning me, I stepped back, away from his touch. His jaw clenched. "I didn't mean to make you feel as if I left you. I shouldn't have. It was exactly like I feared. You're moving on and it's my fault." He paused to take a breath. "But I'll win you back. I swear I'll do everything to earn a second chance. Hanggat nakikita kong may katiting ka pang nararamdaman para sa 'kin, hindi ako susuko."

'Di ako nakasagot sa conviction na naririnig ko sa boses niya. 

"I won't give up. I'll give you more time if that's what you need." He pulled out a small box from his pocket, grabbed my hand, and placed it in my palm. "Congratulations for passing the board exam and thank you for letting me talk to you again. I'll take you home but I don't think you'll appreciate that so I messaged your brother instead."

He nodded to the space behind me. Napalingon ako at nakita ko si Kuya Chris na nakatayo ro'n. He looked unhappy as fuck as he watched us. Kanina pa ba siya ro'n?

His frown deepened when he walked over to us. He pulled me toward his side and then he stepped forward so he'd be standing between us. "Palalampasin ko 'to ngayon. Sana hindi na maulit."

"I can't promise that," sagot lang ni Racel. "I'm done with the waiting. It's time I get my girl back."