Lhyle is my bestfriend since kindergarten. Beside Ahron, sa kanya ako nagsasabi ng lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Lalo na nung mga panahon na hindi ko kasundo ang mga kuya ko. We were very close. Kung tutuusin nga ay para na rin siyang De Villa. He could understand me very well and sinusuportahan niya lahat ng kalokohan ko.

Seeing him this angry at me hurt tremendously. Ang mas masakit pa, it was my damn fault. Alam ko namang mangyayari 'to pero ginawa ko pa rin.

Kasi attached na rin ako kay Racel.

As soon as Lhyle decked Racel onto the floor, hinatak niya ako papuntang parking lot. His iron grip on my wrist was painful pero wala akong maramdaman kundi kaba. Nakasunod sa amin si Racel at hinahabol kami.

"Fuentez, stop, you're hurting her," Racel called out to my bestfriend.

"Fuck off," matalim na sagot ni Lhyle.

Ang bilis ng paglalakad namin. Halos mamanhid na ang kamay ko. From his hand alone, I could feel his fury. Natatakot ako sa mangyayari. Sa posible niyang gawin.

What if magsabi siya kay Kuya? What if hindi na niya ako maintindihan? His cold, unreadable face was scaring me.

We finally reached the parking lot. Racel caught up and tried to take me from Lhyle but my bestfriend didn't let go. He placed me beside the car before he stalked toward Racel. In swift strides, tinulak niya si Racel palayo using both hands.

Sa sobrang lakas no'n, Racel almost tripped back.

"Gago ka din, pare. 'Di ka na nahiya. I told you to butt off. Sabi ko 'wag mo siyang idadamay kahit anong mangyari. Tangina naman, Gutierez," inis na sabi ni Lhyle. Namumula na ang pisngi niya sa galit pero kita kong medyo nagpipigil pa siya.

"It's not like that. Just hear us out," Racel said in frustration.

"O talaga? E ano 'to? Putangina naman," Lhyle exclaimed, snapping already. "Kung may problema ka kay Jacob, 'wag mo nang idamay si Javee. Kahit respeto naman sa 'kin. Ano? Talo-talo na? Putangina talaga!"

"Lhyle, bes, hindi kami gano'n. Hindi 'to gano'n. Let us explain," I said, positioning myself between them.

Hindi ako tiningnan ni Lhyle. Matalim pa rin ang tingin niya kay Racel.

"Umalis ka d'yan, Javee."

"No, please, listen to me!" I cried.

"Alis d'yan!" He grabbed my arm and pulled me so that I'd be right behind him.

Hindi nagustuhan ni Racel 'yon. His jaw clenched as he turned to me in worry.

Umiling ako.

Don't. Please, 'wag mong patulan.

He seemed to understand din kasi kahit halata na ang frustration niya, he kept his composure.

"Tangina mo, Gutierez. Lumayo ka na kay Javee! Makita lang kita ulit, makikita mo!"

"Stop," Racel said with a sigh. "You're making a scene," sabi niya, referring sa iilang guards na pinapanood na kami kung sakaling mauuwi sa gulo.

"Lhyle, tama na," sabi ko naman, hinahatak na ang braso niya.

He flicked his cold eyes back to me. "Siya ba? Itong gago bang 'to ang reason bakit lagi ka na lang wala? Bakit bigla kang nag-iba? I thought you're smart, Javee. Alam mong niloloko ka nito."

"He's not like that! Magkaibigan kayo. Dapat alam mong hindi siya gano'n."

"Magkaibigan kami kaya alam ko kung ano ang kaya niyang gawin. This fucker hates your brother so much. Lahat kaya niyang gawin just to spite him."

"Fuentez," Racel warned. His patience was wearing thin. Nakakuyom na ang mga kamay niya.

Matalim siyang tiningnan ni Lhyle. "Isa pang salita mo. Papantayin ko 'yan, hayop ka. Akala mo hindi ko alam binabalak mo? Umayos ka, p're. Wag ka nang lalapit kay Javee ulit. Papatayin kita bago ka pa mapatay ni Jacob."

"Magkaibigan lang kami, bes. Hindi gano'n si Racel."

"Wag mo kong gaguhin. Dahil lang sa lalaking 'to? 'Di ako tanga. I know what I saw. How you look at this sick asshole. Halika na," sabi ni Lhyle, sabay hatak sa 'kin papasok ng kotse.

Racel tried to go after me pero pinigilan ko siya. Kailangan naming mag-usap ni Lhyle. Kailangan kong ayusin 'to.

Nangingilid ang luha ko. Tahimik akong pumasok sa kotse at hinayaan si Lhyle na ilayo ako doon.

#

Agad din kaming umalis sa lugar na 'yon. Halos mabingi ako sa katahimikan ni Lhyle. He was too cold and as much as I wanted to try and talk it out, parang umurong naman ang dila ko.

I was at a loss kung paano magsisimula.

I'd open my mouth, only to close it again. Nanlalamig ang mga palad ko at halos hindi na ako makahinga sa bilis ng pintig ng puso ko. Lhyle wasn't even looking at me. His steel eyes were straight on the road, his hands firm around the wheel.

Kahit hindi siya nagsasalita, alam ko. Rinig na rinig ko ang mga tanong niya-his accusations. They were in the air, bearing down on me in full force.

I bit my lip and looked outside. Damn. Get your fucking shit together, Javee.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto kaming gano'n. I allowed my tears to well up and fall freely. 'Yon na lang ang kaya kong gawin. I was so pathetic.

"Kapag nalaman nina Jacob 'to, baka kung ano pang magawa nila," said Lhyle in a clipped voice.

I quickly whipped over to him, surprised that he even spoke up. Hindi pa rin siya nakatingin sa 'kin. Malalim at mabigat ang bawat paghinga niya. He's trying so hard not to snap right now.

My lips quivered. I didn't speak-couldn't. Hinayaan ko lang siya.

"Iniiwasan ko 'yon," sabi niya. "At yung si Gutierez, sasaktan ka lang no'n. You better forget him."

I took a deep breath. Finally, I found my voice again.

"H-he won't. Lhyle, we're just friends. Walang gano'n between us," I tried to say but it sounded stupid even to my ears.

Suminghap si Lhyle sabay kalabog ng manibela. Natakot ako sa ginawa niyang 'yon. My eyes widened and I immediately looked at the cars in front of us. Mas bumilis ang takbo namin. Hindi na rin siya sa harap nakatingin. Lhyle was looking at me with so much disbelief in his eyes as if I said the most stupid lie in the world.

Shit. Nataranta ako! We might get into an accident!

"Tangina, Javee! 'Wag kang bulag! You fucking like that bastard. 'Wag mo 'kong lokohin!"

"Lhyle! Madidisgrasya tayo!" I cried, ignoring what he said.

He threw me an incredulous look. "You're not going to deny?" He returned his gaze back to the road, taking deep breaths. "Fuck! That son of a bitch!"

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Halos tumalon ang puso ko sa lalamunan ko sa sobrang kaba.

Bumuhos ang luha ko sa mga naririnig kong mura sa kanya. He's so disappointed in me. I get it. Pero hindi ko gusto na mag-away silang magkaibigan dahil lang dito.

"Umiwas ka na. Mauulit lang yung nangyari kay Dela Costa," Lhyle said through gritted teeth after he calmed down. "Save yourself the pain. Wala akong pakialam kung ako ang maging kontrabida sa 'yo. I'm your fucking bestfriend and I'll fucking protect you from that asshole."

Tumahimik na kami parehas matapos no'n. Buong byahe pauwi sa amin ay nanginginig ako. Hindi ko malaman ang gusto kong gawin. My thoughts were all over the place.

Nasa bahay ang mga kapatid ko ngayon. If they so much as see me crying, magtatanong sila. What then? Should I tell them another lie?

Would Lhyle tell them the truth?

Tapos? Tapos ano na?

I took a lungful of air. Malapit na kami sa bahay. Tanaw ko na ang malaking gate namin. Kinalma ko ang sarili ko at pinunasan ang mga luha ko. From the corner of my eyes, nakita kong sinulyapan ako ni Lhyle.

"Stop crying. I won't tell them anything."

He was still seething pero ang gentle na nang pagkakasabi niya do'n. Hininto niya ako sa tapat ng bahay namin at hindi na nagsalita pa. Sabay kaming lumabas at hinatid niya ako sa gate.

He was expecting me to come inside already pero hindi ako gumalaw. I waited for him. Ayokong iwan siya when he was like this. Pero wala na akong nagawa dahil hindi talaga niya ako pinapansin.

Sighing, I turned around and fiddled with the gate. Papasok na sana ako when he suddenly reached out and held my wrist, stopping me. Agad ko siyang tiningnan, feeling slightly hopeful.

Parang pinipiga ang puso ko. His eyes reflected so much pain. He felt so betrayed. Wala na ang galit. Just pure hurt and confusion.

"I can't believe you damn lied to me. Wala lang ba ako kumpara sa kanya? Ilang beses akong nagtanong," he whispered in a broken voice.

I opened my mouth to reply pero walang lumabas. My throat was dry. Nanghihina ako. I didn't know where to begin.

Seeing my lack of reply, Lhyle sighed defeatedly. He ruffled his hair and walked away back to his car. Natauhan ako. Parang doon lang bumalik ang lakas ko. With all my strength, I ran up to him and embraced him.

"I'm sorry, bes. I'm sorry," I croaked, burying my face into his face. "I'm so sorry."

"Alam mong mangyayari 'to pero ginawa mo pa rin. You lied to all of us."

"Natakot kasi ako. Natakot akong magkagulo."

He tore my arms away and faced me, keeping me at an arm's length for good measure.

"May napala ka ba sa takot mo? You know it's bound to get messy either way. Wala kang kawala," he told me bitterly. "This is one messed up situation at isa lang ang dulo nito. You'll get fuckin burned in the middle. At sinong sasalo sa 'yo? Hindi ba't ako lang din? Kami lang na mga kaibigan mo. Yet you lied to me, to all of us."

Umiling-ilong ako. Patuloy ang buhos ng luha ko.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Totoo na 'to. I really am."

His face turned cold again.

"Malalaman lang natin 'yan 'pag iniwasan mo na ang gagong 'yon."

I cast my gaze down. "Hindi ko kaya," I said weakly. "I like him. I like him so much."

"Kung ayaw mong magkagulo, iiwas ka. Putangina, Javee. Umiwas ka. Gagaguhin ka lang no'n. Umiwas ka na!" huli niyang sinabi at wala na akong nagawa nang bumalik siya sa kotse.

Mabibilis ang mga patak ng luha ko habang pinapanood siyang umalis.

Bigo akong pumasok sa bahay. Like I expected, naroon nga ang mga kapatid ko. Nakakalat sila sa living room at parang kanina pa umiinom. Si Kuya Jacob lang ang nadatnan kong wala do'n dahil nakatayo siya bandang gilid, malapit sa pintuan. Hawak niya ang phone niya at mukhang katatapos lang sa kausap niya.

Napatayo si Kuya Travis upon seeing my tear-streaked face.

"Anong nangyari sa 'yo?"

Umiling ako.

"Si Lhyle 'yon, 'di ba?" Kuya Jacob asked confusedly, sumisilip sa bintana. Tumingin siya sa labas, sabay balik ng tingin sa 'kin. "Nag-away kayo?"

Hindi ko sila matingnan sa mata sa sobrang guilt na nararamdaman ko kaya pumanhik ako at straight na nagpunta sa kwarto ko.

Ilang oras din akong umiyak. Text nang text si Racel pero hindi ko magawang sagutin. Sinusubukan kong tawagan si Lhyle. Hindi naman siya sumasagot.

Ang sakit ng dibdib ko. Hindi ako makahinga. Ang bigat, sobra. Para akong sinasaksak sa nangyayari. Ngayon lang kami nag-away nang ganito ni Lhyle. Back in high school, lagi kaming magkaaway. Paano kasi hindi ko makasundo ang mga girlfriends niya pero never pang humantong 'yon sa ganito. Yung galit na galit siya sa 'kin na napapamura na lang siya.

His eyes looked so hurt, so betrayed. Kasalanan ko rin naman. I lied to him. Kung ako man ang nasa sitwasyon niya, magagalit din ako.

Fuck. Hindi ko na alam. Lhyle told me he wouldn't squeal but that didn't fix the problem, did it? Hindi ko alam paano sisimulang ayusin kami.

Sa sobrang pagkawala ko sa huwisyo, hindi na ako kumain. Diretso na akong natulog. Madaling araw nang kumatok si Kuya Jacob sa kwarto.

I opened the door for him at nakita kong may dala siyang dinner.

"Hey, buti naman nagbukas ka na. What's wrong? You even skipped dinner," Kuya Jacob asked affectionately, pumapasok sa kwarto.

"Wala akong gana," I said softly, getting back to bed.

Sumunod si Kuya at pinatong sa side table ang pagkain. Umupo siya sa tabi ko. He ran his gaze up and down my face, his forehead creasing.

"Everything alright?"

Napaka-soft ng pagkakasabi niyang 'yon dahilan para maiyak ulit ako. Tears filled up in my eyes, falling in quick streams down my cheeks.

Oh, Kuya. Hindi ko na alam. Ganyan ka pa rin ba if malaman mo ang reason?

Would everything still be alright? Would we be alright?

"Gusto mong pulbusin ko 'yon?" Kuya asked again. "That ass made you cry."

I shook my head right away. "Don't. Away bestfriend lang naman 'to."

Bumuntong hininga siya. "Jealous here," he said, almost pouting and pointing to his chest. "I'm your bestfriend, too, 'di ba?" He shifted in his position so that he'd be sitting beside me, and then he placed my head on his shoulder. "We're worried about you. Pati sina Kuya."

"Sorry . . ."

"Saan naman?"

"Basta. Sorry," I whispered, pouring all my feelings into that one overused word.

He chuckled. "You're my sister. What should you be sorry about? Kahit ano pa 'yan, patatawarin kita. Damn, ikaw pa ba? My sister who used to cry all night just to sleep beside me? You know how much I love you, yeah?"

Pumihit ako para yakapin siya. I buried my face in the crook of his neck.

"I love you, Kuya. Sobra sobra." But I also like Racel. "I'm really sorry."

He embraced me with both arms, whispering soothingly, "I'm sorry, too, sis, for not being able to stop your tears. Tahan na."

I stayed in my brother's arms for god knew how long. Mayamaya, tumahan din ako at lumabas na siya. Narinig ko ang boses ng nag-aabang kong mga kapatid. Kuya Andrei, Kuya Travis and Kuya Chris were outside, waiting.

"Kamusta?"

"Bakit daw umiyak?"

"Ayos na ba? Kumain na ba?"

Sabay-sabay nilang tanong.

"'Di ko alam pero matutulog na ulit 'yon," sagot ni Kuya Jacob.

I planted my face on my pillow. Saglit akong napangiti sa concern nila pero lalo akong nagui-guilty kapag naaalala ko ang mga nangyari kanina. God, ang sakit sakit. Ito na ang kinatatakutan ko. Everything would blow up for sure and I had no means to stop it. Tama naman si Lhyle. I was caught up in the middle. Walang ibang kahihinatnan 'to kundi ang masaktan ako at ang mga taong involved.

Si Lhyle pa nga lang 'to, e. Paano kung sina Kuya na? Ano nang mangyayari?

But dammit. What could I do?

I couldn't give up either. I loved my brothers so much, but I couldn't let Racel go. Not like this. Was I not allowed to have them both? Could I not have them both?

I sobbed, knowing the answer.