A/N: TRIGGER WARNING - The following contains drugging, loss of memory, mention of attempted suicide, mention of attempted overdosing, and talk of depression.

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Teeth grinding, fists clenching, eyes closed shut, I tried my hardest to endure the pain I was in. All attempts at distracting me failed. Pain was all I could think, live and breathe.

"Deep breaths, MC," Trix reminded me, shaking her head in disapproval.

Of course, it was like the tenth time I had been caught holding my breath. Even with all the anaesthetic cream, the pain was still unbearable. I kept telling myself over and over again that Jake endured worse. With his burns and infection, he managed to get out of the mines and out to the road because he was determined to survive. I wasn't dying, I was just being weak. I could tolerate this longer.

"MC, I'm going to give you a two-minute break," Trix sighed and put the gun down. "Try to recenter yourself."

I opened my eyes, but I had trouble focusing on anything with all the pain. Turning my head, I could see Trix and Jake arguing.

"She can't handle this!" Trix exclaimed. "This is fucking torture!"

"She hasn't passed out yet," Jake commented.

"Yet," she reiterated. "Fuck this, I need a smoke!"

Trix stormed off. Jake walked up to the side of the bed and eyed the progress Trix had made on my tattoo. He smiled at me and stroked my head.

"You're doing so well," he coaxed. "It won't be much longer, ok?"

I sighed, "I've got it. You know that right?"

"I do," he nodded solemnly. "My brave little warrior. Make sure you keep drinking though, ok?"

Jake picked up a water bottle from the side table, unscrewed the lid and handed it to me. I sat upright, took a few sips, then handed it back to him to put it down again. With a sigh, I laid back down again. Jake leant over and kissed me tenderly to help me relax again.

"Don't you have a computer to build or something?" Trix questioned as she suddenly walked up on the other side of me.

"Windows is installing. It'll take at least another 20 minutes until it finishes," Jake answered plainly.

"Maybe you should make sure it does," Trix insisted.

"I'll check on it soon," Jake glared at Trix, then turned his attention back to me. "Are you ready to keep going?"

I nodded my head, "Yeah I am."

Trix gave me a strange look, then eyed the water bottle, "Tell me that's just water."

"It is," I looked at her confused then smirked. "Real water, not the Russian stuff."

"Ha ha, very funny," she rolled her eyes. "Ok, help settle a bet for me. The sign out the front, what was your first impression?"

"The sign? I don't know. Looks cool, I guess? Then again, I wasn't entirely sure if it was a tattoo parlour or a brothel," I teased.

"Really?" She frowned.

Jake laughed, "What a terrible misunderstanding that would be."

Trix clicked her tongue, "All right, you, get back to your corner. And you, back to your breathing."

I took a deep breath as Trix settled in to continue. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine being on the beach somewhere tropical with the waves rolling in one at a time. I felt Jake rub my head once more and kiss my forehead gently. Preparing my nerves for the sound of the tattoo gun, I readied myself for the pain again.

But the tattoo gun didn't start.

I opened my eyes and was blinded by light, but not by the spotlights. I blinked several times in confusion while my eyes adjusted. Then I realised I was lying on the master bed back at the penthouse in just panties. I looked down and saw that not only had the outline of the tattoo was finished, but the first few rounds of ointment had already been applied. My fingers instinctively went to touch it, but I resisted the temptation. I shook my head and instead tried to focus on what happened, but I couldn't. All I could remember was lying on the tattoo bed hearing Trix and Jake argue, but about what? Their words were unclear like I was underwater. It didn't make sense. What happened to me? Trying to remember just made my head hurt even worse.

I glanced over, saw a large glass of water waiting for me with a dose of paracetamol and my phone. Quickly I picked up the pills and washed them down. Then I grabbed my phone and checked it. 11 am!? How many hours did I lose!? How? Why!? I remember the incredible pain and then...

I scrambled out of bed, stumbling as I went, feeling dizzy, like the world around me was shaking, but I knew it was just me. I pushed through it to get to the other side of the apartment where the home office was, where I knew he would be. As I got closer I could hear the synth music from his earphones and the unmistakable sound of fingers typing.

"You fucking drugged me!" I screamed.

"MC, you're awake!" Jake pulled out his earphones and stood up as if he was concerned for me.

"No! You don't get to pretend to care!" I yelled while grabbing a hold of the back of the chair in front of the desk.

"MC, please sit down. You're rushing yourself, you're going to pass out," he approached cautiously.

"You drugged me!" I reiterated.

The room started to spin, but Jake reached me before I fell and helped me into the chair. He knelt on the ground beside me, holding my hand.

"Please, calm down," he hushed me. "I assure you, you're ok, MC."

"Like fuck I am!" I struggled to keep conscious.

"Nothing happened to you, I promise," he stressed while stroking the back of my hand. "Trix finished the black for your tattoo. Aside from undressing you and keeping it clean, I swear I didn't touch you."

"You. Drugged. Me," I repeated.

"I overestimated how much pain killer to give you," he sighed. "It's the one I use and although I reduced the dosage for you, I clearly hadn't reduced it enough."

"The prescription for your burns?" I asked exasperated.

"The, uh, black market stuff I was using," he looked away in shame. "It doubles as a date rape drug in higher dosages."

"Oh, great to know!" I snapped sarcastically. "Wait, you were giving yourself a date rape drug for your pain?"

"I used whatever was strong enough that I could get my hands on," he shrugged. "It's not always easy, you know, drifting from city to city and not knowing what sources to trust. I'll admit there are some days I have no memory of."

"Oh for fuck's sake, Jake!" I slapped my forehead. "And you thought it was prudent to drug me without even so much as a word?"

"If I told you, you would have refused!" He argued.

"For good reason!" I exclaimed.

"You were in far too much pain!" Jake put both his hands on my arms.

"You did it for me?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes! Look at it this way, you have no memory of the pain!" He tried to assure me. "Isn't that a good thing?"

"You can't just turn me off like a computer, Jake. I'm not a machine," I shook my head.

"I know, I messed up the dosage," he sighed. "I'm sorry. You weren't meant to black out like you did. You were just meant to feel numb for a short time. Long enough for Trix to finish."

"You do understand, you could have killed me," I narrowed my eyes.

"No, it would have taken far more than that," he shook his head.

"You're not a fucking doctor," I rolled my eyes.

"But I tried once and it didn't take," he said solemnly. I wasn't sure if he had said that to get my sympathy again or if he really meant it. He was quiet for a moment, then spoke up, "It's time to clean your tattoo again."

"What is the procedure?" I asked.

"I'll show you," he stood up and put his hand out for me.

"No, you will tell me, and I will do it myself," I glared.

"MC, it's easier if I just show you," he pushed. "I am well acquainted with the process."

Sighing I stood up reluctantly. Jake put his arm around my waist and helped me walk back to the master ensuite.

"Did you mean what you said?" I asked quietly. "Did you try to OD?"

"Yes," he mumbled. "I wanted to melt away."

"Lilly gave me the name of Hannah's new psychologist. He's meant to be very accommodating," I began.

Jake left me leaning against the wall while he started the shower and checked the temperature. He came back over and paused in front of me.

"You want me to meet with him," he mumbled.

"I'll send an email and see if he would be willing to meet an anonymous client," I explained.

Jake glanced away for a moment, then looked back at me, "Only with a new email address and one of my uncompromised identities, and after hours only, no set schedule of appointments. He can't know when I am going to show up. Oh, and he must be willing to meet where I tell him to go. Definitely not at his office."

"He'll think we're pranking him," I winced.

"Fine, we'll go to his home," he compromised.

I shrugged, "Maybe if I name drop Hannah-"

"You can't mention Hannah!" He exclaimed.

"Oh, right," I sighed. "I just worry he won't trust us enough to just show up at his home at night without warning."

"Well, I told you my conditions. I leave the rest in your hands," Jake took my hands in his and squeezed them. "You'll work it out."

"Gee, thanks," I frowned.

Jake ran his fingers down my sides, then hooked them into the sides of my panties and pulled them down. "First we clean you."

Jake quickly undressed himself, then guided me into the shower. I watched as he so tenderly washed my fresh tattoo with his fingers.

"Did you take me into the shower every time you cleaned it?" I thought out loud.

"Yes, why?" Jake didn't even look up to respond.

"Then I wasn't unconscious," I concluded.

Jake looked up, "You were awake, you just weren't awake. It was like you were very drunk and very impulsive."

"And you expect me to believe you didn't do anything?" I narrowed my eyes.

Jake averted his eyes, "You came onto me."

I frowned, "That's not an excuse."

"I didn't-," he shook his head. "We made out, that was it. But I won't deny that I wasn't tempted. You were begging for it."

"Oh, what a gentleman you are!" I mocked. "You didn't take advantage of the very girl you drugged."

"It's no fun if you don't remember though," he smirked. "Maybe I should buy a mild paralytic next time."

"We could just go about it the old-fashioned way?" I suggested. "You know, where we get shit-faced drunk and then we fuck like rabbits?"

"While that certainly has its appeal, I do like to change things up every now and then," he humoured.

"And tying me up wasn't enough?" I raised my eyebrow.

He shrugged, "Less rope burn if I drug you."

"You're so considerate," I rolled my eyes.

"I try," he grinned devilishly. He leant down and kissed me passionately, leaving me breathless.

"You don't need to drug me, you know," I mumbled. "I am already defenceless to you."

"Mmm, but there's so many ways to play with you and we've barely scratched the surface," he commented as he stroked my cheek with his hand. He dragged his thumb over my bottom lip. "But I won't do anything without your consent."

"You can have your fun without impeding my ability to say no," I pushed his hand away.

"As you wish," he bowed mockingly. "Though I hope one day you will trust me enough that you will be willing to surrender even that to me."

"Are you going to do the same?" I questioned.

He laughed, "I already can't say no to you, or have you forgotten? I have always been at your mercy."

Unsure of whether I believed him, I slipped a hand around his neck and squeezed lightly. He grabbed my other hand and brought it up to his neck to encourage me to use both hands, then he repositioned them for better grip. The entire time his eyes remained locked on mine, unflinching.

He smiled impishly, "If you want to switch, let's switch."

I pulled my hands away, "Somehow coming from you that doesn't sound like a genuine offer."

"Why not? I think it'd be cute to watch you try," he teased.

"Because it sounds like a trap," I frowned.

He leant in close to my ear and whispered, "That's because it is."