A/N: TRIGGER WARNING PTSD, trauma, strangulation, burn injuries, depression, talk about killing, and other things I may have forgotten to mention.

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Sex with Jake was intense and heated It was clear that we both had a lot of steam to blow off. I completely lost myself in him, which stopped me from getting caught up in my emotions. However, it seemed I wasn't the only one who lost themselves.

In the heat of the moment, Jake's hand grabbed my throat, which in the heat of the moment I didn't think much of, but when he brought his other hand up, he suddenly started squeezing without warning. Panicking, my hands slapped his arm to get him to stop, but when that didn't work, I started scratching. Jake was looking at me, but at the same time he wasn't. No, he was looking past me! I recognised that look. Shit, he was having an episode! I reached out and slapped his face. He barely flinched.

"Jake!" I managed to squeeze out. Wake up, you asshole!

Engaging all of my limbs, I kicked and punched him until he finally snapped out of it. His eyes widened and he withdrew from me immediately. Coughing and sputtering, I rolled to my side to recover as I heard Jake screaming mournfully. As soon as the coughing settled, I glanced over my shoulder and saw him with his back to me on the floor. He was holding his head, rocking back and forth.

"Jake," my voice strained. "What the hell was that?"

I didn't know if he was ignoring me or if he was simply blocking me out. I got up shakily and went down beside him on the floor. I could hear him muttering to himself over and over again, but I couldn't make it out. I sighed and put my hand on his shoulder, but as soon as I touched the dragon tattoo Jake jumped and I pulled back with surprise. He glanced over his shoulder and saw me, then turned away again. Nervously I ran my fingers along his tattoo and felt that the contours of the tattoo matched perfectly with scars hidden underneath. Not just any scars though. Burn scars.

"Jake..." my voice shook.

"Spare me your sympathies," he mumbled. "I don't deserve them."

The dragon tattoo was extensive. It started with breathing fire over his left shoulder and coiled across the majority of his upper back, ending at his right shoulder. My fingers ran the entire length of it, feeling every dip and crevice of his flesh. I had to give them credit; the artist did an amazing job disguising the scar tissue. If I hadn't touched it directly, I didn't know when I would have noticed.

Suddenly it clicked. The long, fire- breathing dragon, twisting and turning, almost like a maze. Almost like the Ironsplitter mines.

"We searched for you!" As soon as the words left my mouth I started crying uncontrollably.

Jake didn't respond. He just buried his face in his knees. I rested my head against his back and sobbed. My throat hurt like hell, but my heart hurt so much worse.

We sat for hours on the ground, both emotionally devastated. Jake never came out of the shell he buried himself into. Resting my head against my back, I just kept hugging him from behind. I cried so much in those hours, that I had run dry. Even though my throat had recovered, I still couldn't form any words. I went over and over again those days following the explosion. The FBI had managed to get to Richy quickly enough that his injuries were manageable, but the fire raged on. In many ways it must've saved Jake, but it was also clear that it ruined him.

Still, the FBI weren't without their tricks. They subdued the fire in hours and as soon as it was clear, they went in. I had only arrived to Duskwood then. Cleo took me around to one of the side entrances, but damn it, Alan was onto us. He restrained me while the FBI searched every nook and cranny. He said it was for my own good, but believe me, as soon as I was released, I went back into those mines. That time I had Lilly, Jessy, Thomas and even Dan with me as well. Yes, even in his stupid wheelchair, Dan proved to be of assistance. He sacrificed his freedom to Alan on more than one occasion as a distraction. We all chipped in to pay for his bail.

Day after day we searched up and down those mines. Multiple cave-ins though made it impossible to reach everywhere. When I started to dig through the piles of fallen rocks with my bare hands, my friends stopped me. 'You do that and it all may come down on us.'

You can imagine then my anger when I stepped back out, after hours of inhaling that awful stench, covered in dust head to toe, cuts and bruises from tripping in the dark that I had ignored - after all of that I opened my phone and I found all of our conversations were gone. That was it. No proof of life. No 'I'm ok.' And judging by the constant FBI surveillance, no arrest either.

Yet sitting there, hugging him, I still felt like I failed him.

"Why?" I barely managed to squeak out. Why didn't you contact me? Why didn't you tell me? Why did you keep yourself hidden all these years from me? Why did you have to suffer alone? I didn't even know which why to start with.

"You would've blamed yourself," he mumbled.

I hit my fist into his back, "That's not good enough!" More dry sobs ripped through my throat. "We searched!"

"I know," he muttered.

"You knew?" I questioned.

"I saw you," he clarified.

"Then you get my attention!" I shrieked.

He buried his head further, "You were there and I blinked and you were gone. It was one of the few things I remember."

"And after that?" I squeezed him.

"I don't know," he lifted his head. "Everything is hazy. I know I was found unconscious just off the highway near Terrendale. When I woke up, I was in the hospital, hooked up to heavy sedatives. They told me I had been in an induced coma for weeks. My phone was gone and I had no way of securely contacting you."

"I called the hospitals!" I exclaimed. "Every hospital around the mines!"

Jake let out a small laugh, "Some idiot messed up my admission records. You weren't the only one looking."

"Why didn't you come find me when you got out?" I hit him again.

"All that time I was trapped in that hospital bed with just me and my thoughts, I kept thinking 'Why does shit like this keep happening to me?' Soon it became, 'What if she had been there with me?' and then, 'Would I even have been able to protect her?'," he explained. "I hardly got myself out of there. If you were with me, you would have suffered the same or worse. The truth is, MC, I can't protect you from the danger that comes my way."

I hit his back even harder, "You're an idiot."

"How exactly do you think my story ends? There is no happy ending. You stay and you will be killed," he turned his head to look at me over his shoulder.

"Well tough! I'm going to fucking stick to you like glue now!" I hissed.

He snapped around, pushing me off of him. His mouth opened to speak, but no words came out. His eyes drifted down to my throat instead and his brow twitched, "As much as it kills me to see how badly I hurt you, part of me is satisfied. Now you will be forced to think of me every time you look in the mirror, just as I am forced to think of you."

Raising my hand to my neck, I hesitated for a moment. I hadn't even checked the state of my bruises.

"Jake, you need help," I trembled.

"Sure, let me just go visit my psychologist. Oh wait, I can't," he mocked.

"Well, I'm not leaving you," I insisted.

"Yesterday I wanted to shoot you. Today I nearly strangled you. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. How do you feel about drowning?" he laughed to himself.

"Is that what you want? To kill me?" I questioned apprehensively.

"What? No, of course not!" he shook his head. "I just- I don't know what I am capable of."

"Well, I still love you," I gently placed my hand over his. "I will not let you go through this alone anymore."

Jake looked down at my hand for a moment, then pulled his hand away, "No, we're getting you a new ID and getting you across the border!"

"With you with me," I added, raising my eyebrow.

"No, you're going away, far away from me," he pushed.

"Like hell I am!" I frowned.

"Either they'll kill you or I will!" he yelled. "For five years, five fucking years I put aside my feelings for you so you could live safe! You think I didn't want to be with you? I didn't give you up just so you can walk into my life like it didn't fucking matter!" He paused for a moment. "So many years of you haunting my dreams," his eyes went dark. "You never let me rest. You occupied my mind day and night. Did you even think of me once?"

"How dare you suggest that I didn't!" I said offended.

"You seemed so preoccupied with others," he commented.

"You might be a hacker, but you're no mind reader," I pointed out. "I don't know what you were looking at, but it definitely didn't tell the whole story."

"Photos. So many photos of you smiling and many times not alone," he sighed.

I shook my head, "You just saw snapshots of my life. You never saw the big picture."

"You asked me if I sabotaged your relationships. I probably did," he admitted. "I didn't like them. Any of them."

I laughed a little, "Admitting you were jealous?"

"I wanted you to be happy without me. I told myself that once that right person showed up and was able to make you happy, I'd finally be able to let you go," he explained. "Maybe then you wouldn't haunt my dreams anymore."

"Hey, I want to test something," I smiled.

"What?" he looked at me confused.

"Come join me in the bed. We're going to do something called sleep," I teased.

"I've heard of that," he smirked. "I don't get it though."

"I want to test whether you are still being haunted in your dreams or not," I tilted my head.

"MC, I don't think I should be that close to you, especially not after before," he lowered his gaze.

I stood up and held my hand out to him. He took it reluctantly and stood up in facing me. Throwing my arms around him, I hugged him tight. After a moment, Jake gave in and hugged me back, burying his face into my neck.

"Even now, part of me wants to rip into your skin," he whispered.

"Jake, breathe, ok? Deep breaths. Match my pace," I instructed.

I took slow, deep breaths for a while so Jake could breathe in time with me. After a couple of minutes, he started to relax again. I ran my fingers through his hair as he settled.

"These last five years have really messed you up," I sighed.

"I should've killed you yesterday," he mumbled into my neck.

"Stop," I rolled my eyes. "I know you don't mean that."

"You're sticking to me like glue now? I'm going to get you killed either way. At least it would've been a mercy killing," he continued.

I pulled away and looked at him in the eye, "Maybe you have already killed me and I'm just a figment of your imagination to haunt you."

"Is that meant to be a joke?" he frowned.

"Oooooo!" I wiggled my fingers at him.

He tried to keep a straight face, but we both burst out laughing. It was so good to just have a moment of silliness with him again. I missed those moments the most. As our laughter calmed, we stared into each's eyes for a minute, then I tilted my head up and kissed him. He was resistant at first, but I persisted until he started kissing me back.

I smiled as I pulled away, "We'll see through this together, ok?"

Jake nodded slowly and mumbled, "I love you."

"I love you too," I rubbed his cheek gently. "Now, come on, lie down with me."

I climbed into the bed behind me and gestured for Jake to join me. He sighed and eventually laid down next to me. Pulling him close, I rested his head against my chest and gently rubbed his head. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he held onto me for comfort. Listening close to his breathing, I stayed awake until I knew he was fast asleep.