Tw: unhealthy coping/habits, past child abuse, past child neglect, child abandonment, homophobia, sexism, gaslighting, self hatred

Florida singing Words Fail

"I never meant to make it such a mess
I never thought that it would go this far
So I just stand here sorry
Searching for something to say
Something to say
Words fail, words fail
There's nothing I can say" He doesn't know where to start

the mistakes seem never ending and he wants to apologize, he does, but everything's building up and he's trying to fix it, to be better, but he's still making too many mistakes

"I guess I thought I could be part of this
I never had this kind of thing before" he wasn't used to this, wasn't used to having his boundaries respected, to being allowed to have emotions, to having a family, he didn't know what he was supposed to do

"I never had that perfect girl
Who somehow could see the good part of me" he's smiling while he thinks of his partners, but it still comes out harsher than he expect, because there was no good part to him, he'd be lying to them if he said there was

he'd hate to lie to them

"I never had the dad who stuck it out
No corny jokes or baseball gloves" there's a breathless laugh after the first line and he refocuses on the piano, staring down while singing the second line, because it hurts to think about

that he wasn't enough for his father to care about, that his father had been so willing to leave

but now someone did care about him, did treat him like a son, but he hadn't earned that, not with his father and not with them, he wasn't good enough

"No mom who just was there
'Cause mom was all that she had to be" he's smiling thinking about his mother, he misses her, his father wouldn't let her see him after he found out Florida was gay, saying he needed a more masculine role model

"That's not a worthy explanation
I know there is none
Nothing can make sense of all these things I've done" that didn't make it okay, he knew that, none of that made things right, but he knew it led to some of it

"Words fail, words fail" he's trying to understand, trying to learn to be better

"There's nothing I can say
Except sometimes, you see everything you wanted
And sometimes, you see everything you wish you had
And it's right there, right there, right there
In front of you" he sings this louder than he intended, the gasp after the last line being genuine surprise at how much he was bottling up, at how hurt he felt after telling himself for years that he was okay and it wasn't that bad, he was just being overdramatic

"And you want to believe it's true
So you... make it true
And you think maybe everybody wants it
And needs it... a little bit... too" he does want to believe this, does want it to be true

if he isn't useful then he shouldn't stick around, that's how it was with his father, if he wasn't enough then his father would get rid of him, he just had to do more

just had to do more after meetings, let the others vent more, he needed to act the way his father taught him because it was better, right?

If he couldn't be enough, if he couldn't push himself, then why would they keep him around?

He could hide it, the anxiety during meetings, the days when getting out of bed seemed impossible, he didn't need to drag anyone down, he just needed to push himself more, he'd be fine

"This was just a sad invention
It wasn't real, I know" They would realize, they had to, they already made comments implying he was replaceable or that they didn't want to keep him around, they knew, they knew, so then why was he still there? Why hadn't they replaced him yet?

"But we were happy
I guess I couldn't let that go
I guess I couldn't give that up" he's terrified to ask, to complain, because then they would acknowledge it, then they would get rid of him and he couldn't handle that

"I guess I wanted to believe
'Cause if I just believe
Then I don't have to see what's really there" he was good at pretending, he'd done it when he was a kid and he could do it now

"No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than
These broken parts" good at pretending their comments didn't bother him, good at pretending he felt okay in meetings, good at pretending he wouldn't fall apart the second they ignored him

"Pretend I'm something other than
This mess that I am" he practically growls this line, angry at himself for not being okay, he was taking too long to get better, why wasn't he okay?
"'Cause then I don't have to look at it
And no one gets to look at it
No, no one can really see" he's struggling not to sob, hitting the keys harder than necessary because he's trying so hard to tell himself with this line

that he didn't have to show it, because it would be horrible if they found out

he wasn't okay, but they would hate him for acting like it, he knows it

"'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake
Before I even turn the key
Before I make the mistake" he didn't need anyone, he got hurt any time he tried asking for help so he wouldn't, he could handle it
"Before I lead with the worst of me
I never let them see the worst of me" he can't, can't tell them how hard it is to do simple things, everyone else could do it, why couldn't he?

"'Cause what if everyone saw?
What if everyone knew?
Would they like what they saw?
Or would they hate it too?
Will I just keep on running away from what's true?" he can't keep hiding it

can't keep pretending his habits aren't getting worse, pretending their comments don't hurt, can't keep pretending he doesn't relive something while listening to them vent

he wants to tell them, wants to ask for help or a break, but he hasn't earned it

"All I ever do is run
So how do I step in
Step into the sun?
Step into the sun" he just wanted to ask for help but he hadn't earned it

he'd never be able to earn it

his expectations for himself changing so much faster than he could learn something or do something right, he'd never feel proud of himself, years of shitty parenting and being insulted no matter what he did made it seem impossible

He wanted to ask for help but he couldn't figure out how.

He sits there for a while after, hugging his knees to his chest and staring blankly at the piano. He didn't know what to do next and it was terrifying, but he'd have to figure it out eventually.