I'm not tired of the criminal au yet so here's this

California: Guys! Guys! Alright- Alright- We can all agree that this was 90% Florida's fault

New York: I'm a good driver- [runs into something]
Florida: What was that?!
New York: No- no, close your eyes

Florida: Why does everybody drive a van?! 
Florida: Y'know we live in a society
Louisiana: A society of vans

New York: You're getting in the fire truck?
Florida: Yeah, it's-
New York: We are on a fucking train

Florida: I think I found our objective
Florida: let's just kill Cali

Florida: Oh- He shot my tire!
Florida: That was my favorite tire
California: That's alright, you have three more-
Florida: Oh- My second favorite tire!
California: two more

Florida: There's two doors I can't eat this much metal

California: Alright- Alright- Alright-
California: Are you wearing a belt?
Florida: [sniffle] thanks for noticing 

Louisiana: Why are you wearing a prison jumper under your uniform?
Florida: Wait what?!
Florida: You're a prisoner??
DC: No-
Florida: Who gave the prisoner a gun??

California: Wait why are you in jail? 
Florida: I strangled a foot
California: [turns around and starts wallking away]

New York: Florida, use your big ass brain to come find us
Florida: Ok [brings the others over]
New York, seeing DC: Not him!
Florida: I thought hard about it
New York: Well now we're all out in the courtyard and the warden sucks
DC: That's pretty rude, that hurt my feelings- y'know I have feelings too
DC: As a fellow warden I also feel things
New York: You're part of the government
New York: You feel nothing

California: You exploded everything-
Florida: Cali, you exploded everything in your pants, shut up

DC: Yo, where did you get all the dynamite from
New York: Why don't you like stop being a leech and get like a hobby or something
Florida: Me? 
New York: No no, not you, you're doing great honey

Florida: [blocks the exit]
Florida: Say something nice about me
Louisiana: I like your feet

New York: Why?!
Florida: Why didn't you move?!
New York: You didn't tell me to move!!
Florida: It was lit!!
New York: I didn't know there was a fucking bomb!
DC: How did you not know it was lit?
New York: Because you won't shut up!

Florida: [gets all of them trapped except DC]
Florida: [mumbling] 'cause I've been doing okay and I've been comin out of my cage-
New York: No, get back in the cage, no one wanted you out of the cage
California: What just happened? 
New York: Florida got us trapped!
DC: Am I the only one not stuck?
New York: Yeah, because Florida won't fight you- quit simping!
Florida: I didn't do that on purpose!!
New York: You're simping the warden!
Florida: I'm not!
Florida: Mr warden you look lovely today

DC: Look at him
Florida: Are you looking at my ass? 
DC: uh- no
New York: I hate to see him go, but I love to watch him walk away
DC: mhm, have you seen him in those shorts?

Random Quotes:

Old DC: Coffee isn't cutting it anymore
Old DC: I need someone to text me saying "we need to talk" 

California: I'm on fire!
California: Why am I on fire?!

Florida: Any knife is a pocket knife if you can fit it in your pocket

California: Okay, that's enough! No more talking about Florida!
Louisiana: But you said to get it out of my system!
California: I didn't know how much was in your system!

Florida: I'm playing a new game where I take a shot everytime I get sad
California: That game already exists and it's called being an alcoholic 

Gov: Could you be any more annoying?!
Florida: Easily. 

Gov: Why's Rhode Island standing on the counter?
Alaska: He likes to feel tall

Gov: Hey, that's my umbrella.
Florida: No, I'm life hacking.
Gov: You're stealing my umbrella.
Florida : Life hack.
Gov: How are you hacking life? You are literally taking my umbrella.
Florida: Life hacking.

New York: My policy is: If you see something, say something.
Florida: I saw a squirrel in a tree today!
New York: Outstanding.
New York: This is what I'm talking about.

California: New York isn't answering his phone
Alaska: I'll try
California: DC and I just tried like six times, what makes you think-
New York: Hello?