Yunho got to rest at the sick ward along with some other injured espers. The police officers whose wounds he caused weren't here, and it was better like that. After receiving the report after the incident, Yunho realised with a sinking feeling only three people died, all of which had been stationed with him.

He cried, and he blamed himself. Argued that he should leave and that keeping him here would only cause more issues. But the same realisation washed over him time and time again.

He belonged to Auresce.

There was nowhere to run.

After making it through the worst pain, Yunho was hesitant to leave the medical station and go back to training, even if it was never enough. But the nurses told him off.

"Get some proper guiding," they told him, and he couldn't argue. Bora's guiding only alleviated the light pains, but he wasn't making use of its entirety.

On his way out, Yunho hung his head. His guilt kept him up, and he didn't know what to do with himself. He wasn't ready for any of this. So unprepared and helpless, like a flailing child.

The only difference was that lives depended on him.

To his greatest misfortune, he ran into his squad commander outside in the corridor. He was a harsh man, only dropping by in training occasionally, but he never spared Yunho a glance. Now, he missed that time when stormy eyes found him.

"Jeong," his commander barked, and Yunho stood at attention with his head bowed.

He wouldn't personally have to apologise to the families of the people he got killed since it was part of the job, but that fact stung perhaps even more.

Everyone of lower rank was expendable. Espers, guides, soldiers.

"You are level D, which means your effort should be the support of our high-ranking espers. What would you do if a level S trusted in you and lost their life?!" His superior barked at him, as if Yunho was careless. As if his eyes weren't haunted by nightmares.

"I-I didn't train enough yet..." He mumbled, earning a harsh scoff.

"Not enough training? You train for your health, but your willpower comes from within. Some espers create wonders right upon awaking. You are behind everyone else. Work harder to earn your keep. We cannot sponsor you if we lose people to you."

"But... It felt so dangerous. People were shooting at every demon without hesitation," Yunho argued, trying to make him understand that no matter Yunho's inexperience, trust on the battlefield was always necessary. How could he concentrate without? He could take pain, but if he also had to fear for his death from behind, he couldn't do his work.

"So? That is their job. Your job is to defend. As you can see, we will inevitably lose people. Everyone goes out there ready to die. You should also be. Do better." With that, he turned on his heel to march down the corridor, leaving Yunho rubbing his side self-consciously. It still stung.

He was exhausted. Two weeks in Auresce and he was losing his mind. He knew he got two free days a month, so he wanted to spend time with his family soon. If they assured him he was doing great, it would be easier.

Only a few more weeks until then.

If he was still alive.

Yunho ran his fingers through his matted hair. He forgot how to take care of himself here. Wasn't hungry, felt no obligation to shower.

Like a ghost, he dragged himself to his room. He still hadn't unpacked his bag. Despite all his luxuries here and the friendly presentation of the centre, he just couldn't calm down.

He was so anxious, day and night.

In the shower, his fingers trembled. Perhaps he should go back to the sick ward to get some medication for anxiety. Talk to Doctor Han about his issues. They were there to help, right?

The doubts in Yunho's mind were ugly and exhausting. Instead of growing stronger and more secure about himself, he wanted to duck away more and more desperately.

Since he knew who would drag him out if he tried that, he texted Bora while he towelled off.

Hey, you wanna meet for lunch?

Her reply came almost instantly, as if she had waited for him.

Finally back among the living? I will pick you up.

She treated him like a younger brother. Yunho appreciated her help, since she took the only mentor role. It made asking her for guiding all the more difficult. He liked her, but the more issues he had being an esper, the more alienated he felt by her role in his life. This wasn't for him. He couldn't fill the position expected of him. Not from her, either.

Yunho had to work harder, as his commander said.

There was no leaving, only forward. These powers already cursed him.

He got dressed just in time for the knock on his door. It was gentle, understanding his turmoil where others didn't.

Not that the commander was wrong. Yunho was useless if he endangered their squad.

When he opened the door, Bora leaned with an elbow against its frame, wagging playful brows at Yunho.

"Sup."

He couldn't help but smile as he let her in.

"Give me a second to dry my hair," he suggested, beckoning at her to sit wherever she liked. She picked the floor. Mindlessly, she stretched her legs while Yunho ruffled his towel through his hair.

"How is your side doing?"

She guided him as much as he allowed her with their limited contact. Though he barely felt a difference, Yunho nodded at her.

"Much better. Thank you for your help out there."

Her hum was thoughtful.

If Yunho wanted to do better, he might have no other choice. Bora was his key to not dying from his injuries out there. His team partner.

With his head hidden away, he mumbled about his discharge.

"I met the commander in the corridor and got an earful about lacking as an esper. And that I am a danger to the team."

He expected her to rage and stomp her foot as she had done about Lux, but silence was his answer. Surprised, Yunho peeked at her from below his towel and found her gnawing on her lip.

"I agree, of course. People died because of me. I might as well have killed them myself. But I was just so scared they would shoot the demon I controlled," he elaborated, in case she was disappointed in him.

But Bora's sigh was bothered. Her fingers played with her feet.

"It's good you cannot influence team members, or they might have got rid of you right away," she mumbled and Yunho let the towel sink, staring through the blur of his sight without his glasses.

"What do you mean?"

Bora pouted to herself, as if unsure if she was supposed to share this. Apparently, it caused her more upset not to.

"Espers of level S or level A with self-destructive powers pose a significant risk to the team and the people of this country. Their powers eat them from the inside out, making them go insane. I'm sure the doc told you. With their power and decline, harming the team is inevitable. The more a poison user spreads their poison, the more they poison themselves."

Yunho tilted his head. That didn't apply to him, did it? He was just level D and a punching bag. He couldn't harm anyone actively.

"Are there no such espers here? I thought the guides can help?" Did he mix something up? All the information on espers and guides was still a big, tangled mess in his mind. He barely understood how he had arrived here and was already thrown into his first mission.

Bora looked down at her toes.

"We can, but an early death is inevitable. Auresce housed some in the past, but..."

"They died?" Yunho guessed, since he understood that much. It was terminal. And if espers went wild, he doubted they made it through the demons. A sharp wit was needed for those who fought so close to the rift's draw.

Bora shook her head.

"They weren't treated well. Locked up since people were scared of them. Because of past scandals with Auresce, a rich investor soon started a rebellious second centre for espers, an alternative institute not under governmental control. They usually fight for the country but... They are dangerous because their powers are so self-destructive. Everyone here knows that. Those people ruined a lot of our missions and endangered hostages."

"Do you think I will become like that in the future?"

Bora was silent for a long moment. Then she shrugged, suddenly looking so small and lost in the middle of his room.

"I don't know. I never guided an esper like that. But I don't want to lose you. I'm trying to tell you your powers don't have to mean death. You can train and fight their effect on you."

Yunho kept listening to her as he shrugged his jacket on and tugged his shoes on his feet. Though she followed, her mind was still elsewhere.

"It's also the reason they don't train you properly. You are disposable. A low rank with powers they see no future in. I would like to keep you around, though. So let's train hard where the centre fails. And let's get through this together. You know you can always come to me for guiding."

So that was it. She was trying to tell him tactfully that the centre also made mistakes.

Somehow, this reassured Yunho infinitely more than being told to sacrifice his life without asking questions.

The best were favoured. Received anything the NEA could provide for them. Since everyone relied on them for their protection. Like Lux, they could afford to be haughty, since they were so significant.

But Yunho was just some guy, barely worth more than a regular soldier. He was nothing special.

Some pressure lifted off his shoulders. They were at war. Everyone had to fight for their lives. Yunho might not save anyone, but he had every reason to treasure his life just how others defended themselves.

"So these other espers... They live long lives? Despite their abilities?"

Bora nodded.

"Whenever I see them around, they seem sane. It might be terminal, but it doesn't have to mean a gradual decline with the right guide. Don't let our bosses torment you, Yunho. Struggle for your life, you deserve it like anyone else."

They left his room together and for the first time in long days of grief and guilt, Yunho could appreciate the sunshine throwing patterns over the wooden floors. His grin was soft as he held the door for her.

"You know a lot about espers for being a guide."

"The things you learn when you are intimate with someone," she sneered, before she hopped ahead to bring back the energy Yunho was missing. His side still stung, but he happily tagged along.

"So, what food makes you feel most alive? Something that tastes good or something awfully spicy?"

"Rather something that tastes good," he snickered, and she agreed. While they made their way down the stairs, his gaze lingered on her relieved laughter.

She also must have been worried about him.

"Thank you, Bora," he told her, and he meant it. When she peered up, he grinned. "Same as before with the guiding, though. I draw some lines of what is appropriate and when I prefer to bleed. Though I will take your advice and work harder on my mind. Should I invite you out to dinner first?"

Bora hooked her arm around his as they made their way to get some food, relieved of missions for now since they just had one. The perks of being ranked D. Yunho might go insane if he had to leave for every single rift.

"I could show you Changwon once we get some time off," Bora suggested playfully, and Yunho pretended a gasp.

"No way, Changwon? My parents live south as well. We can definitely travel together."

They talked about their homes and their families, trivial things like their favourite cafes to go to and playgrounds they remembered. It was nothing of importance, but Yunho could laugh how he did with other friends before coming here and he noticed how important that was.

Because at the end of the day, espers, guides, soldiers and their superiors, they were all human. People with feelings and thoughts.

Yunho tried to be stronger. To be no burden if he could be no hero.

So that no one had to die for him anymore.