I open my eyes, feeling tired still.

I check the time and sigh. Of course - I set some alarms to wake me up and I had to turn them off and sleep an hour longer.

I sit up, hands in my hair to brush them a bit.

I still washed and changed my clothes when I got back. I was actually still up at 6 am, not being able to calm down my heart that was beating fast from what happened.

I know it was your first time kissing someone like that after the breakup, Hyunjin, but can't you fall the fuck asleep already?

I really wish it were easy like that.

It's 1.30 pm and I just don't wanna get out of my bed. The clothes lying all around the room are not helping since I know I'd have to clean them up when I get up.

And so I reach out for my phone and my heart skips a beat when I turn the WiFi on.

There's a message from him. He's responding to an older story of mine.

B.M

you're just beautiful fr

I have to put the device down or else I might throw it across the room - probably in confusion. After I calm down just a bit, I type a response back:

me

ty :3

you looked amazing tonight as well

I rather put on some music and get out of my bed. I can see he liked all my photos, too - not like there's much to see since I don't really post often - and I don't think I can stand that. It's too new to me, too much, too confusing, too... too everything.

I dance to the music while picking up the clothes and every few seconds, I freeze - memories are attacking my mind again and again and again and again... The same frames are playing in my head on repeat and I can't stop thinking about it all.

That's the Matthew that said the shit about me.

I thought I'll know what Yeojin meant when I get sober but no, I'm still as confused as back then when she said it to me for the first time.

It's not until 2 pm when the room is clean already that I fall on my bed, gasping in shock. "Oh, I know who he is! Fuck!" I grab my hair, kicking my feet in the air as I can't make my heart calm down at least a bit.

Can't you see you can't fall for that guy? He hurt Yeojin!

I recall how a few years ago, he said terrible things to her for her being queer.

He said he's bi too though. Plus... We kissed. Maybe it was a bet...? Or maybe he was just playing with me?

The next hour or so, I'm just sitting on my bed, picking at the sheets as I'm going from calm to completely out of it to panicking every few seconds - or minutes when I'm lucky.

"Ah, fuck this!" I whine as I get up finally. "I should eat something as well."

For some reason, I don't feel hungover the day after the party but two days after it. Which doesn't really go well together when the party takes place on Saturday night as I then feel terrible on Monday.

I make myself some food and while I'm eating it, I feel the teeth on my cheek again.

What's wrong with me? It was just a kiss...

But you never had a kiss like this with Seungmin-

Why did you even recall him during the kiss?! I thought we were going for that Matthew guy and you almost ruined it!

I checked my reflection and there is nothing on my face. Thankfully. However, my mind wouldn't stop playing tricks on me. And so I go check it again just to see nothing.

I clean up after myself and grab the phone, feeling like I'm going crazy already. And so I text Felix and Chan.

Neither of them is online though.

I stare at the direct chats I have with both Chaewon and Yeojin but decide on not telling neither of them.

I need to apologise to Yeojin personally, not like this. And even though I know Chaewon can keep a secret, Jin can be too nosy sometimes.

And so I fall face first on my bed again, whining into the pillow in frustration.

Those next hours before I fell asleep felt like years.

—★—

On Monday I wake up with my stomach twisting - not from being hungover though. To my big surprise, I feel absolutely amazing - physically at least. Mentally...

Well...

With a whine, I roll out of my bed, not stopping on making that annoying sound until I disappear in the bathroom to clean my face. Then I change my clothes, feeling so uneasy all the time. And when I prepare myself some breakfast, my forehead comes into harsh contact with the table and I groan once more.

I have to get to the morning lecture though.

"Wow." There is a whistle approaching me from my right. "What got you looking so dead, Jin?"

I'm lying on the desk, hugging my torso as if the gesture could protect me from all the embarassment I was feeling.

How long did the kiss last?

"It can be just a one night stand." Just what in the fucking universe made you think: "You're right," was a good answer?

Oh gosh, wait- Did the others see? They must have, Yeojin saw me with him anyways.

I whine silently again, hitting my forehead on the desk a little.

"Woah, man, calm down." Jaehyun makes me straighten my back and turns me to him by my shoulders.

That's how he approached me too. "You look so fucking hot!" Like why did he get to you so easily? Damn, Hyunjin, where's your cold posture to the others saying that?!

"Hey, you're sure you're alright?"

I nod my head. "Absolutely," I pronounce every vowel and every consonant precisely.

He hums, eyeing me up and down and for a second, my mind starts wondering if there actually is something on my cheek.

I raise my hand to rub at that spot like if I could just wipe a bruise off my skin as easily as that.

"I'm not saying you usually look like you were completely in your head..."

"Well thank you."

"...but you really seem out of it today, boy."

"Well thank you." I make that tight smile and he finally stops wondering.

"Maybe you just needed to be pulled back in, huh?"

I decide to agree or else he won't let me die in embarassment in peace. "Yeah, I guess so. Thanks."

"No problem." He gets up and climbs over the desk behind me to get into his usual spot.

Soon after that, Yeojin comes rushing into the auditorium, almost falling down the stairs. "Damn, this morning was harsh. I swear, why can't people be nice sometimes?" she spits out and I only sit there, not sure what to do.

"Hi to you too, Jin," Jaehyun yawns from his seat.

"Sure, hi," she responds while rummaging through her bag. "Ah, nice! At least I got the fucking keys! Was afraid I dropped them- Jin, you okay?"

"That's the Matthew that said the shit about me." And I fucking kissed him! Fuuuuuck...

"Sure, haven't been better," I smile.

"Don't listen to him, Jin," Jaehyun leans in closer. "When I came here, he was ready to either break that desk with his forehead or crack his head open on it, you chose."

"Did something happen, Jinnie?"

I hear Jaehyun laugh behind us: "Jinnie, huh? Cute," but I decide to ignore him.

"Nah, I just didn't sleep well."

"You say that every time something happens. So spill," she turns in her chair, facing me now, "what is it?"

I nibble on my lower lip, adverting my gaze away, it travelling all around the auditorium that is usually so big but seems so small at this moment.

"Jinnie."

I look at her and my eyes must be filled with so much fear and regret because she stares at me for a while before leaning in closer, putting a hand on my knee. "You know I'm always here for you, right?"

"I... I know. It's just-"

"Good morning, students. Hope you enjoyed the weekend party. And don't be sad, we're not done playing games - today we'll have fun with all those vowels and consonants. Things are gonna get wild!"

I turn towards the professor and try not to laugh at that lame joke but it does make me feel a little bit better.

Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Yeojin leaning in closer to me. "Let's go grab some coffee later, alright?"

I don't want to...

But you should. She deserves to know, doesn't she?

Damn, I hate you for being so soft-hearted.

Love you too, Jinnie.

Just fuck off already.

I let the voices in my head argue with each other and rather nod my head. "Sure. Sounds like a plan."