A sudden wave of sadness washes over me. "I... I just can't really get over him, I guess. Or like... I mean-"

"It's hard for you to forget him, that's not anything unusual. You just need to find a way to move on."

"I'm..." I sigh before reaching out to her. She gives me the cigarette and I take a long drag, keeping the smoke in my lungs for a while to burn there and calm me down. "I just don't understand why, you see?" White and grey shadows are seeping through my lips, brushing my nose as they're moving their bodies in that hypnotic way towards the dark sky. "Why didn't I get over him already? It's been so long..."

"Try to look at it from the brighter side. He's here alone and he judges everyone who drinks too much, smokes or uses drugs. You do it all so there's like zero chance he'll come close to you tonight."

"That's the thing though. I do want him to come closer. Even now. That's why I..." I look down, taking another drag before handing the cigarette back. "I think that's why I come to these parties. I hope he'll see me having fun and that he'll regret everything, you know? That's also why I-" The smoke almost chokes me when I recall that night. "That's also why I kissed Matthew. And why I kissed others after that, too. Because I hope he'll find out and want to take it back. There's that tiny spark somewhere inside and it makes me believe he'll want me again."

"Jinnie," her eyes are sad as she puts her free hand on my cheek, I feel like she's looking straight into my shattered soul, "I know this will sound cruel but don't do that. Kiss people because you truly want to, not as a sort of revenge to somebody else. That's not fair towards anybody. You, the one you kissed, even that fucking ex of yours,..."

"I know," I sigh once again, steam leaving my mouth, first signs of chills running down my spine, "and I also do it because I want to have fun. I want to enjoy myself. So I'm not really lying when I say I thought: 'Fuck it,' back then with Matthew. I guess I'm just nervous because he was my first kiss after my break up. It meant nothing, we both were drunk and we both didn't take it as anything serious. However, with Seungmin here... Can I be honest with you?"

"Anytime," she smiles as she gives me the cigarette again.

I nod my head. "I want to kiss him actually."

"Who?"

"Matthew."

She's staring at me for a while before smirking. "You're just full of surprises, Hwang Hyunjin, aren't you?"

I laugh nervously. "I know it doesn't make sense... He's such a good kisser though-" I immediately regret those words, Yeojin leaning in closer, making that feeling double. "Forget I ever said that," I roll my eyes, feeling blush taking over my whole face. "I want Seungmin to see as well," I admit right afterwards, serious again. "I wanna see his reaction. And if I can't, I want you or Chaewon or anyone from our group to see and tell me. Because if he gets mad and leaves, I know I can truly move on and never see him again without any regrets."

"Huh? I thought you wanted him jealous...?"

"In a way of him talking to me again, yes. If he walks away though, it means he learnt absolutely nothing still. He just wants me to feel bad and in such case, I don't want to feel that way anymore. I wanna enjoy myself as much as possible, especially when now's my time." I take one more drag, realising I'm at the end of the cigarette.

"First time you're finishing it," she squints her eyes. "Don't you feel bad about it?"

I take my gaze away from the lit up filter in my fingers to her face. I scoff, dropping the butt to the cold ground, stepping on it. "Fuck you and that psychology of yours." I walk past her, hands in the pockets of my jacket.

"So I was right," she laughs as she follows me inside.

-★-

I bump into someone, turning towards them. "I'm sorry-"

"Hyunjin?" Matthew smiles. "Hadn't seen you since the last big party! How are you? Sorry I didn't text after that, I was really busy."

"Don't worry about it," for some reason, I smile. "And I'm doing pretty alright. How about you?"

"Living my university life," he laughs. "Wanna grab some drink?"

"Oh, I'm so thirsty," I nod my head, feeling my throat being dry from how nervous I became suddenly.

He grabs my shaking hand, dragging me to the kitchen with him. "Let's get you something then."

"What do you want?" he asks, looking around the small room when we get in.

"Vodka juice. I'll mix my own though. I... like it a bit spicier," my smile is uptight as I grab the carton and the bottle I need, taking a cup as well.

"Woah, this much spicier?" he whistles in surprise as I fill over half of the cup with vodka.

"Shut up and make yourself something too or else I'll drink two cups of these."

"Strong words." He looks around, adding a quiet: "Maybe even stronger than your drinks."

I give him a side eye look and he rather reaches out for some other bottles to mix himself something else.

"For our reunion then," he beams as our cups collide.

"For our reunion," I nod before chugging it all down.

"Damn, you got any break or do you just drink till you die?"

"Shut the fuck up and come, I wanna dance." I'm in my nervous angry state and need to calm down.

"Whatever you say, Jin," he finishes his drink as well and follows me back to the dancing floor.

"What even makes you so wild today?"

"My fucking ex is here."

He smirks. "I see. Wanna make him jealous?"

I nod my head, putting my forehead on his shoulder with a tired sigh. "I really do."

I feel his fingers under my chin as he brings my head up, our faces just centimetres away. "Where is he?"

I look around. "Right there, behind you." Turning back to him, I notice the twist in his eyes. "He's looking our way," I add, not really sure why.

Our breaths are mixing together as he opens his mouth. "Wanna kiss?"

My heart skips a beat but then I hear the first words of a song I rediscovered a few days ago. "Let's dance first, okay?"

"Of course." He pulls me close, my elbows are resting on his shoulders, hands hanging limply behind his head with wrists crossed.

"You used to call me 'baby'," I start singing. "Now you're calling me by name."

He leans his forehead on mine, eyes staring into each other's soul.

"Takes one to know one, yeah."

Gosh, even his singing voice is so beautiful.

I feel butterflies in my stomach as we sing together.

"Youngblood!" I'm screaming just a while later as we're swinging from side to side again. "Say you want me!"

His eyes are shining so bright. "Say you want me!"

"Out of your life!" we shout towards the ceiling together.

I notice the rest of my group watching us in the corner of my eye but what's more important is Seungmin watching us behind Matthew's shoulder.

"I'm sorry but... Can I kiss you like... right now?" I ask out of the blue, confusing myself as well. Somewhere inside, however, I feel the sweetness of the will to do it.

His face lights up as he nods his head. "Is that even a question?"

My fingers, still connected in the air somewhere behind his neck, are now pushing the back of his head towards me. Our lips collide and they dance together as we both smile into it. I feel a chill running down my spine. He's holding my waist so tight as he's pulling me as close to his body as possible, tongues touching and brushing against each other.

I laugh a little, feeling so happy and free. And he laughs with me.

Our foreheads are touching again, bodies close, gazes connected, his eyes so soft yet serious.

"I really am not using you," I say over the music, the last lines of the song fading out with the next one taking its place. "I do wanna kiss you, alright?"

"Thanks for letting me know. Because I really wanna kiss you as well."

"Then..." The tips of our noses brush against each other as I tilt my head, skin still touching but lips so close that I can feel his hot breath getting mixed with mine, I feel every tiny bit of air that gets in and out of him. "Why don't you?"

He kisses me again and I hear the rest of the group cheering behind Matthew's back like I just won a Football World Cup. I show them my middle finger before getting lost in the moment.