Xavi is quiet on the ride back to the hotel, but the tension is palpable. I feel it too, but I can't tell if it's good or bad. I think it should be bad, but... it feels kind of good.

For the first time in my life, I feel completely in control. No one else has more of a say than I do.

When we get back up to our room, I head over to my suitcase immediately and start picking out clothes to change into. He remains quiet for another moment, but I can still feel his eyes. As I start heading for the bathroom, he finally speaks up.

"So what was that about us getting married?" he asks, sitting on the end of his bed with his elbows resting on his knees.

I turn to face him with an easy smile, somehow not feeling a bit of apprehension. "Why shouldn't we? We're having a baby, remember?"

His eyes tighten. "And up to now, you haven't exactly been excited about it," he counters. "What's going on?"

I shrug, feeling somewhat giddy. "I just don't see a reason for us to dwell on the bad parts. It wasn't planned, but it happened. Whatever. Let's move forward!"

Xavi's lips purse and he shakes his head slowly. "I really don't think now's the time, Lola."

I quickly drop my clothes down on top of my suitcase and turn back to him, stepping close as he straightens his posture.

"Xavi, there's no better time than now to focus on what can be good in our lives. A family," I say, lowering my voice as I step even closer and take his face in my hands, "is a very good thing."

He's stunned into silence, just the sounds of our quickening breaths in the small space that remains between our mouths. It's not a sexual attraction for me, but there's something between us, and it's strong. It's enough to make me do anything to keep him around.

"Don't you think it's a good thing, Xavi?" I whisper as I lift my knees one at a time onto the bed, straddling his lap.

Goosebumps spring up on my legs as his hands appear on my thighs, trailing slowly upward and under my black dress. His eyelids begin to droop closed as he nods, and in and instant, our lips meet again for the first time since the night we met.

A month of pent-up kisses and desire pour onto my tongue, intoxicating me with the power over him that I feel. I want him here, and I can keep him here. He's mine. Totally, completely, unarguably, irrevocably mine.

"Do you really mean it, Lola?" he whispers breathlessly when our lips part.

"I mean it, Xavi," I assure him softly. "I want us to be a family. You, me, and our baby."

"Okay," he agrees against my lips. "And you need a ring."

"Tomorrow," I agree, quieting him with more kisses.

"A big ring," he continues softly down my neck. "The biggest they have."

I take his chin and redirect his lips back to mine. "Tomorrow," I whisper again.

Xavi takes hold of the hem of my dress and quickly pulls it over my head, needily planting kisses all over my chest. I slip my thumbs under my bra straps and yank them down, fully exposing me for him. He nips at my skin ravenously and claws at my hips as I grind against him. I can already feel how bad he wants me, and it's somewhat intoxicating.

Before I can make another move, he stands with me tight against him and turns around, crawling onto the bed and dropping me on the pillow. His shirt lands on the floor a second later, then his pants and boxers. I unclasp my bra and send it flying while he tugs my panties off and discards them with the rest of our clothing.

My imagination runs wild the whole time, replacing Xavi with Jazmin every step of the way. His tongue and hands easily become hers as my body heats up. Even when he slides into me, I can imagine the sex toy of Jazmin's choice sliding into me instead. She easily overtakes my senses, that scent of violets and sunshine enveloping me as she whispers softly in my ear. It almost seems too soon when I feel the pressure and heat mounting between my legs with an impending orgasm.

"Oh fuck, Lola," Xavi moans as he crosses the line, pulling me out of my fantasy the moment I climax, too.

He collapses onto me, planting kisses all over my face and neck as he pants while I stare at the ceiling. The feeling I'm left with is a little bit of disbelief mixed with disgust in myself, for allowing this to happen with Xavi again.

But it had to. None of this is about me anymore. It's about my baby.

When we've both caught our breath, he rolls over beside me and pulls me close, refusing to let me get back to what I was doing for another hour. Finally, he falls asleep, and I slip out of the bed as carefully as I can so as not to wake him. Ignoring my clothes flung all over the room for now, I grab what I'd picked out for my shower and retreat to the bathroom for a while.

Xavi's awake when I come out, sitting cross-legged on the bed with his boxers on and looking at his phone. He glances up at me and smiles instantly, and I can't help that it makes me happy to see.

"What are you doing?" I ask him softly.

His smile widens as he stands. "Looking for a place to buy your ring tomorrow," he replies smoothly as he loosely wraps his arms around me.

I snicker as his forehead rests on mine. "You're so impatient, Xavi."

"Of course I am," he agrees. "I want your family to have something big and sparkly to stare at."

Our lips meet again for the thousandth time today, and it still amazes me how warm it makes me feel. There is just something about him that feels so safe.

"I'm gonna get some sleep," I tell him when our lips part.

"I'm gonna shower," he says with one last kiss.

While he grabs his things to shower, I swipe the remote and start flicking through the static-covered channels in search of mindless distraction. There isn't much, but I'm lucky enough to find a channel showing a marathon of The Simpsons tonight. I set my pillow against the headboard on Xavi's bed since he has a better view of the TV anyway and sit back to wind down.

He joins me afterward and we bicker about which characters are better (he thinks Moe is the best because he's some kind of animal) until he falls asleep. I'm too wired to sleep, for some reason, so I grab my laptop out of my luggage and sit on the other bed to browse in the meantime.

With my father's sudden passing, I never even got to see how the promo did. That's first on my to-do list.

Chris's Instagram page is in front of me in minutes, and the latest post—the first in nearly twelve years—is exploding. The likes are over two million. Yeah, seriously, millions! Comments are overwhelmingly positive, with the few and far between critics easily getting lost in all of the support. Most importantly, we're accomplishing what we meant to do, and I can see that in the comments from his fans.

"Chris OMG!!!! I'm so happy for you!!!" one comment reads.

"Unsent Souls = Gay icons now. I don't make the rules," another says.

"THIS IS SO CUTE I'M DYINGGGGG."

"well thanks, now I'm feral."

"SO I CAN'T MARRY HIM?!?!?!?!?!"

It's a perfect success. The fans are on board. I don't even care to check about the media's take on it all right now. They're not the important ones, nor the reason why we're working so hard on this. I know Chris and Rigo feel the same.

I'm finally tired enough to sleep around four o'clock in the morning, just setting my laptop to the side and pulling the covers over me. Four hours later, I wake to Xavi glaring down at me with his arms crossed tight over his chest.

"What's your problem?" I ask groggily as I rub the sleep out of my eyes.

"Why are you sleeping over here?"

"Because I wasn't tired last night," I yawn. "I didn't fall asleep until four. I didn't want to wake you up."

"I don't care what time it is or if you wake me up," he fires back.

I can't suppress a laugh at how miffed it has him. "Baby," I croon, watching with satisfaction as the tension melts away from his body, "I'll just wake you up next time. No need to be mad."

His arms drop as he snickers and climbs on top of me, kissing me hard and tugging the covers down. Just as quickly, his fingers slide into my waistband and undress my bottom half with the same eagerness as yesterday.

"Okay," I laugh as he slips out of his boxers. "I can see you've got plans for this morning."

"Just a quickie," he snickers, "then we gotta go get your ring."

I dive straight into my imagination for it, enjoying every second just as much as him. After, he drags me to the bathroom for a shower together—which results in another quickie—then we head off in the rental to get my ring.

We leave town to visit a bigger jeweler, knowing that Xavi's requirements of "big and expensive" will be easier to find elsewhere. He chooses a large store, one I saw on trips into the city many times as a child. I always wanted to go inside even just to see what they had.

It's just as elegant and bright as I expected inside, with white tile floors so shiny I can see my reflection. It doesn't take us long to select a ring and check out, and I can't help but share in Xavi's giddiness as I admire our purchase in the car.

I raise my left hand up between us, allowing the ring's brilliance to sparkle in the sun. It's got a thin band with tiny diamonds all around, and a large, oval diamond in the center with a halo of small diamonds around that too. The only thing better would be a plain band with a singular diamond, but I don't like the way those ones look in four carats and Xavi refused to go smaller. At over eleven thousand dollars, it's exactly the showstopper we were looking for either way.

"Think your family will approve?" Xavi asks, gazing at it proudly.

"They already do," I snicker, finally lowering my hand but still following it with my eyes. "Where'd you get the money for this anyway? Don't you just DJ on the weekends?"

"Just?" he repeats with some offense, and I meet his scowling gaze. "For your information, I have that much money and more, but Rigo paid for this."

My smile drops and my stomach tightens. "Rigo? Won't he ask what it was for?"

"Nope, I asked him if it was cool last night," he responds nonchalantly.

"He knows?" I ask, gaping in horror.

Xavi looks at me with his eyebrows creased. "Yeah, of course. He's my brother," he reminds me matter-of-factly. "Don't worry though, I told him not to tell anyone so we can do that when we get back."

"Right," I say, barely above a whisper as my eyes drop back on my ring.

"Are you okay?" he asks warily, leaning over the middle console to close some of the distance.

"I'm fine," I insist, not looking back at him. "Just a little nausea."

"Should we wait here a few minutes then?" he presses.

I shake my head, taking a deep breath and cracking my window. "We can go, the air will help."

"Okay," he sighs.

Before turning back in his seat, he places a soft kiss on my cheek. My eyes shift between my ring and the window for the whole ride, desperately working to keep my thoughts and mood in check.

I'm terrified of Jazmin finding out about the baby and engagement, more than anyone else. She won't understand, especially not after the last conversation we had. Somehow though, I have to make her understand. With her easygoing and sweet demeanor, I'm confident I can make it work. She's worth whatever struggles I face in my effort to prove how much I need her.

The mental pep-talk is successful, and I manage to maintain an even mood throughout my father's service. It helps that the ring goes over exactly as Xavi hoped, with everyone's eyes drawn directly to my left hand in awe and disbelief. My pride likes to see their disbelief too, but something else feels so much more pertinent about their gazes.

They're happy for me, and although I know it's misguided in their belief that "the lesbian finally got her head on straight," it still brings an unanticipated warmth and surge of pride. I feel like I've won; beating back the whispers encouraged by my mother since the day I came out to her. Now their whispers are about my ring, and how I ran away to LA to find a rich husband. It might not be the truth, but I'm not going to correct them. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel ashamed to show my face around them.

My mom finds us quickly after the service, pulling me into another uncomfortably tight hug as tears stream down her face. Her happiness for me doesn't feel as good as everyone else's, because it was her betrayal of trust that led to those whispers in the first place. Had she been supportive of me from the beginning, I never would have felt like such an outsider in my own family all these years. All she ever had to do was love me.

The bitter resentment I've carried for the last ten years wells up at the sight of her excitement, plummeting my mood instantly. I'd really like to wipe the smile off her face by reminding her that nothing can make my homosexuality disappear, and she's lucky that Xavi's here with me to prevent that from happening.

"Lola! Oh, I'm so excited for you!" she gushes in a performance that's probably working on my new fiance, but certainly not on me.

"Thanks, Mom," I tell her with a pursed-lip smile.

She turns to Xavi then, pulling him into a hug that he appears to enjoy as much as I did mine. "Welcome to the family, Xavi!"

"Thanks, Mrs. Miller," he laughs awkwardly as she finally releases him.

"Call me Maryanne!" she insists brightly.

"Of course," he concedes. "Maryanne."

My mom exhales contentedly as she looks between the two of us like we're her dolls, imagining our perfect lives as if it were some kind of fairy tale. She's always loved keeping me in place in her own subtle ways, and I can see that she's already thinking of how to do the same with this wedding and baby.

Liam walks up behind her after a beat, his gaze shifting between Xavi and me with much less excitement than that of everyone else. He wordlessly directs his gaze at me, settling his expression into a disappointed scowl.

"Congrats, Lo," he sneers, "he's much manlier than the last one."

My breath catches as I struggle to find the words to respond. He didn't exactly out me, but he brought us to a very dangerous line that I need to carefully direct the conversation away from. For once, I'm confident my mom won't be the one to run her mouth. Keeping Xavi and me together is much more important to her than one-upping her daughter right now.

"That's hardly a proper congratulations, Liam," my mom scolds him, her eyes tightening with wordless threat.

Liam's eyes fall closed and his nostrils flare as he stifles the eye roll that would inevitably set our mother off, then he looks back me with a faux grin. "I'm sorry. Congratulations, Lola. I'm really happy for you."

No, you're not.

"Thanks, Liam," I begrudgingly reply, not returning his smile.

I know why he's mad. He knows I'm still lesbian, because he knows you can't just snap your fingers and change your sexuality at will. He can see the unfortunate possible outcomes for me and he's worried, but our family is only capable of expressing anger. Still, my baby's future is more important to me than my own, so I can't pause to try and make him understand.

My mom sticks by our side for the rest of it, proudly greeting people as the mother of the bride-to-be in blatant disregard for her new widow status. It infuriates me, both for my father and as his daughter. Just days ago she was a complete mess, and now she's giddy and smiling like there was never a thing wrong in the first place. She may have gotten better at pretending to be a good person, but the real her still comes out eventually.

Little does she know it in all her misplaced excitement, she will not be a part of my baby's life. She broke me down so much that I can't even get a decent night's rest anymore, they're spent tossing and turning over worries that a normal person shouldn't have.

Will my mom ever come to love me before she dies? Will I be able to love my child when I don't know what a loving mother is like? Will I ever be good enough for anyone to love unconditionally?

My baby won't be plagued with these thoughts, I'll make sure of it.