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dan leaned against phil, his head lying against his bare chest. the raven-haired boy ran his fingers through dan's fluffy-yet-slightly-wet hair and quietly hummed the tune of a song dan didn't recognize.

"phil?" he mumbled, glancing up and meeting the blue eyed boy's gaze.
"mhm?" phil hummed in response, yawning slightly.

"what are we?" dan asked quietly, skimming his slightly-shaking fingers across phil's chest. phil took a minute to respond, answering with, "what do you want to be?"

"i want to be with you."

"well, do you want to be my boyfriend then?" phil smirked, hoping dan wouldn't notice the slight quiver in his voice. he knew he shouldn't be doing this. he knew he shouldn't be with dan in the first place. dan was a depressed alcoholic on the edge of giving up everything, and phil was a murderer. he didn't want to be the thing that pushed him off the edge, but he knew it was inevitable that dan would find out. he tried to brush away his thoughts, still softly running his fingers through his boyfriend's hair.

"yeah, yeah i'd like that," dan smiled, craning his neck upwards and pressing his lips against phil's.
"there's something on your mind," dan shrugged, pulling away from the kiss. phil instinctively broke eye contact, not wanting to address his distress.

"no there's not," he frowned.
"yes there is," dan said, moving around to where he was sitting across from phil. "what's wrong?"

"i know you have a shit ton of questions for me, and that i haven't really said much about any of it," dan begun, nervously tapping his fingers rhythmically against his thigh.
"i just don't want to lose you too."

phil cupped his cheek, shifting his gaze to his. "why would you think that?" he asked, another pang of guilt sinking in his stomach. of course, he did have feelings for dan. but considering where his cash flow comes from, he would be much better off without a murderer as a boyfriend.

"i'm scared you'd leave if you knew about how shitty my past is or how many problems i have," dan stammered, keeping his gaze locked on the bed below him.
feelings mutual, phil thought.

"i'm staying, dan." he assured him.
don't make promises you can't keep, he thought, wishing his mind would just shut the hell up.

"why do you have nightmares?" phil decided to ask, figuring as he would have to speak up if he wanted answers from dan.

"they're mostly flashbacks, like reliving bad memories," dan shrugged, suddenly adding, "do you have nightmares, phil?"

phil's jaw clenched and he immediately looked away, like he was thinking of all the sleepless nights he had so fucking often, depriving himself of sleep in pure dread of the mere thought of possibly having a nightmare. possibly reliving having the empty vodka bottles shatter in the collision against his pale skin. possibly having to once again feel the lilac bruises form on his cheek. possibly waking up to find himself lying in a hospital bed.

possibly hearing the voices and cries of the people he so heartlessly killed, those excruciating cries slicing through his ears. or the flashes of terror on their faces as he pulled the trigger and splattered the alley walls behind them with thick blood. possibly reliving all the nights he sobbed himself to sleep on his bathroom floor, locking himself in to protect himself from the others who now longed for his death.

"sometimes." he mumbled.

"i know it's selfish of me to ask you to talk about yourself when i won't answer your questions, but i just.. forget it. never mind," dan mumbled, starting to get up, but quickly having phil's hand being placed on his shoulder.

"it's okay. i can talk about myself," he said, forcing a nod of assurance.

"like i said, i started doing small-time drugs when i was 14, but only occasionally. but once i got kicked out i was out on the streets and i got into petty crime and low-profile thievery, until i got arrested. then, much to my surprise, my brother got me out with ease-"

"i didn't know you had a brother," dan cut in, making phil shrug. "his names martyn."

"does he work in government stuff? since he was able to get you out "with ease"?" dan said with air quotes. phil scoffed, hardly.

"he's an accountant." phil lied, before continuing. "then my brother introduced me to chris, who was working for my brother essentially, and i moved in with him. we worked together in accounting, but we had a business trip of sorts come up a while later, and lets just say it wasn't pleasant," phil grimaced.

"his dad.. he uh.. wow, i shouldn't even be telling you this." he groaned, rubbing his temples. "his dad was a complete asshole, basically. and that along with the trip along with the stresses of accounting, it all was too much for him. he snapped and started drinking and became abusive. and part of him snapping was my fault, so for the first time in years i started drugs again and got addicted to heroin. we were both so depressed it just, it just didn't work," he sighed, leaning back against the headboard.

"i tried to kill myself," he muttered, nearly too quiet for dan to even hear, forcing a small shrug. dan's eyes widened and he stumbled for words. it was like his throat had suddenly closed up and he was unable to make a sound.

"y-you what?" he choked out, shaking his head. phil sighed deeply, rubbing his boyfriend's back in an attempt to calm him down.

"it's okay, dan. a lot of things happened over a short span of time and it was just a lot to handle. i took a shit ton of heroin and blacked out, but chris came home and found me. he took me to the hospital and i was out for a couple of days. then i went into rehab a little while later and then i met you!" he said, forcing a fake laugh to try and cheer dan up. when dan didn't respond, he sighed, "the worst part was actually realizing what i had done to chris, it just tore him apart."

dan scoffed, finally meeting phil's gaze. "he hurt you phil, he-"

"i know, i know. but it wasn't his fault, really," he pleaded, taking hold of his hand and locking their fingers together. "but seeing me in the hospital made him realize something, and he shaped up some. i haven't seen him in months, but i know he's doing at least a bit better than before."

dan sighed, trying to process everything. "i didn't know accounting was such a cutthroat business," he shakily laughed, habitually raising his knuckle to his mouth, before phil grabbed hold of it.

"don't hurt yourself for something stupid i did," he said, rubbing his thumb in small circles on the back of dan's hand.

"phil, you just, you just can't die too. i feel like i've lost everyone," dan choked out, burying his head in the crook of his neck. phil released his arm, which latched onto him immediately, snaking around his back.

"i'll try to stay for as long as i can possibly manage, deal?" he chuckled, holding the boy beside him in his arms. "but," he said, leaning away from dan to meet his gaze. "you need to put in your half of the deal, too."

"phil, i-"

"drinking. you've got to at least try to stop." phil interrupted, keeping his gaze locked onto dan's chocolate pupils. dan's eyes widened and he shook his head frantically.

"i can't, it's all i have left!" he panicked, his voice quivering in fear.

"shh, you have me now. for me it was heroin, it was the only thing that kept me awake for days. and the only thing that truly kept my own thoughts out, or more accurately, drowned them out." phil said, running his fingers across dan's back as he lied his head against him. dan's breathing slowed to a normal pace and the two sat in silence.

"phil, what are these?" dan asked, skimming his fingers across phil's bare chest. he immediately tensed up, and dan noticed. of course, being a serial killer isn't a safe job. scars covered his body, from knife stabs to some gunshot wounds. there really was no decent excuse.

"what are they?" he repeated, eyeing them carefully. "what the hell? are these.. cigarette burns?" dan asked, running his fingers across his shoulder.

"uh.." phil stammered, mentally noting how he had noticed the old cigarette burns before the gunshot scar.

"oh god, phil. you didn't," he gasped, turning phil's face and forcing him to meet his gaze.

"it was a really, really long time ago," he shrugged, trying to avoid any more eye contact. he wondered if this was what it felt like to be dan and to have him as his boyfriend; being bombarded with questions and hating eye contact.

"you don't do it anymore, right? right?" dan stammered, phil reaching down for his thrown off shirt. he shook his head in response, which was true, but dan didn't seem satisfied.

"i'm okay dan, i'm okay," he softly laughed, quickly pecking him on his lips before pulling his newfound shirt over his head. but once the fabric had rolled past his eyes his breath hitched, seeing as dan's fingers were trailing along the hem of his shirt.

"a-are you.." phil stammered.

dan raised the shirt up and awkwardly over his head, revealing his slightly defined torso. his bones were so prominent it made phil's heart sink, but he covered it with a giggle.

"you're beautiful."