His insomnia was not getting better with the recent events that have entered our lives. I've never seen someone think so much and have nothing to say. I couldn't see into his mind, but it was like I could feel it and I could see it in his eyes.

Sleeping next to him made it all the more real. I remained turned on my side, facing the wall so I couldn't see him as he twisted and turned. He would throw his arm around me gently and pull me closer to him, then he'd remove it and flop onto his belly, onto his back, or onto his side. I knew I was supposed to be helping him sleep better, but I could only do so much.

Eventually, I rolled around to see him lying on his back, one arm resting on his head and the other by his side. I pressed my hand against his cheek and rolled his head to look at me while his arm fell away. His eyes opened without struggle; he wasn't even tired.

"My brain is wired, Bea." His voice made me jump from his lack of quietness.

"Turn it off, Asher," I whispered, trying hard to keep myself awake. "Just pretend like you're the only person in the world. You live on an island with lots of coconuts and you have no worries."

He scoffed. "Yeah, that'd be nice."

"Asher-" I attempted.

"I couldn't just live on coconuts. I would have to have meat and some veggies, and maybe some pudding. I'd also die of boredom," he chattered. I closed my eyes and forced myself not to strangle him.

"Fine, there's a big farm behind all the palm trees with lots of cows and pigs and a big garden full of tomatoes, potatoes, and green beans. You can even have a lifetime supply of pudding. No worries, Asher. No worries." I wanted to badly to just drift off...

"That would suck. You'd have to be there with me, at least. I'd die without you," he murmured seductively next to my ear.

I smiled sleepily. "That's so sweet – Now go to sleep," I mumbled dryly. I flipped myself over to my initial position and pressed my back against him. With my hands folded under my cheek, I began to fall into sleep.

**

I looked up at the tall glass building that seemed to intimidate me. In golden letters, the words Gold Records were attached to the building. Asher stood beside me and I could practically hear his heart hammering against his chest.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked him hesitantly. He made this decision on his own, I just comforted him.

"I'm sure. It just feels like this is what I need to do," I replied. I knew I shouldn't persuade him, but I felt the opposite of his decision. He needed music like I needed art; without it he wouldn't be the same.

I took his hand in mine as we entered the building and were immediately greeted by random people. They stared at us and they smiled at us, probably shocked to us together.

Neither of us said a word as we entered the empty elevator and travelled to the sixth floor where the recording studio was. I couldn't stop thinking about how quickly things had changed in just a few months. It felt as if I wasn't even present for most of the time. Everything was a blur, and I hated that.

We slowly walked up to the door where Asher was eager to knock on the door and get everything over with. He knew he was going to catch heat from this, and not just from his bandmates – from his fans, too.

"Wait, Asher." I breathed, grabbing his shoulders and turning him towards me.

Don't do this, you'll regret it. You need this more than you'll ever know.

"What, Bea?" He asked, a little impatiently. I dropped my hands from his shoulders.

"Whatever happens, I'm still here, okay? I'm not leaving." I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding his close to me.

"Thanks, Bea."

I had almost expected and I love you at the end of that, but I had gotten my hopes up. Why did I feel like I had everything I wanted, yet I didn't?

Then we entered the room where all the guys were sitting. Ben was sitting on a tall stool, rocking it back and forth while Grayson and Quentin sat at the table. No one else was in the room, which was what Asher had requested when he called them to the same place after he woke up.

"Hey, guys," I said nervously. This had nothing to do with me, yet I was worried to death about it.

"Hey," Grayson greeted us with a smile.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Quentin asked as he reclined back in his chair with his hands behind his head.

Asher opened his mouth to talk, but he closed it and a flash of anxiety swam through his eyes.

"I wanted to ask you something, too, actually," I announced, breaking my hand away from Asher's as I took a seat at the small table. Behind Ben was the recording booth where I assumed they would be starting today. "What exactly is the plan for the band in the next few days?"

"Well," Quentin jumped in. "Today we are meeting with our assistant manager to plan our trip to London which is on... Thursday, I think."

I swallowed. "London?"

"Yeah. That's where Brody and Drew are," Ben explained. "Drew is over there with some other artists on his label at his other studios and Brody is getting hitched, in a few weeks, right Asher?"

"Yeah." Asher nodded his head.

"So Brody will be joining us in April when he tour officially starts, and we're travelling across the pond to start practicing," Grayson chuckled.

The only Hawkins not joining them would be mine, the one I was supposed to be fixing.

"I have to tell you guys something," Asher said finally. I pursed my lips and pushed away the urge to hide from the reaction I was expecting. "I think... I need to take a break from all... this."

Ben stood up from his stool and crossed his arms over his chest. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I can't do this right now. Ablaze; I can't do Ablaze."

The whole room was silent. Quentin was stunned; the expression on his face was very different from his usual ones.

"Why – what are you talking about, Asher?" Ben raised his voice and stepped closer to him. There was a first time for everything, and this was the first time I had ever seen Ben angry. He was always the jokester, the one that made everything easier to handle.

I stood up and stepped in between Asher and Ben although they were across the room from each other. "Ben, he's just-"

"Don't, Bea. You helped him make this decision, didn't you? You weren't supposed to give up on him," Ben said angrily. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to say something, but was cut off.

"I made my own decision, Ben!" Asher argued back, slamming his hand down on the table. I jumped back. "Do not, blame this on her."

Ben licked his lips and shook his head. I waited for Grayson or Quentin to jump in at any moment.

"Asher, you're our lead singer. You can't just bail on us right before tour." Ben reasoned, only slightly less angry.

"I know that," Asher said. "That's why you should get one now, before anything starts."

Grayson stood up from his seat and leaned against the table, arms crossed. "Why?" Was all he said.

Asher clenched his hands into fists at his sides. "Do you guys have trouble sleeping because all you can think about is if this is what you're meant for, or what all those people think about every move you ever make?"

"I know there's a lot of pressure on you and all of us right now." Quentin placed his hand on Asher's shoulder. "You're the one who distanced yourself from us, Ash."

Asher furrowed his eyebrows before throwing Quentin's hand off of him and walking out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Ben turned the opposite direction and disappeared into the recording booth.

"Wait, Ben," I hurried after him only to run straight into the door. The door was locked when I tried to open it, causing me to run into it.

"Here." Quentin turned me around and pointed to a button I had to press so Ben could talk to me.

"Ben," I said after pressing it. He was pacing back and forth with his head down towards the ground. He jerked it up to stare at me with angry eyes.

"You don't get any of this, do you?" He asked pointedly.

"I try to!" I argued, raising my voice. I wasn't sure if he could hear my clearly or not. "Come out here, please."

He stomped over to the door and unlocked it, but he returned back to his pacing stance, glaring at me. I walked over to the door and jerked it open, slamming it shut behind me. I was done being quiet.

"You may not know this, but a lead singer is really hard to find. Especially in this short amount of time," he stressed to me. I shook my head in disbelief.

"You guys are one of the most popular bands in the world right now, who wouldn't want to be in it?" As I said it, I realized the problem. Millions of fans, millions of lead-singer-wannabe's, and millions of people who just don't quite sound like Asher.

I let Ben answer anyway. "That's what you don't know."

"Tell me what I don't know then, Ben." I took a seat on the stool that he wasn't sitting on.

"Fans and critics aren't going to like just some random singer off the streets. They like our sound and style – Asher's voice." He leaned against the wall and rested his head back against it.

I had to admit that Asher's voice was the most beautiful I'd ever heard. I may be a little biased, but millions of other people must agree with me. His voice was unique and raw and original; no one would be able to replace it.

"I also just really need my best friend to do this with me. When we first started Ablaze, we would all stay up thinking about what it'd be like to just have this world famous band and travel around the world performing together – with each other. Our brothers," he exclaimed.

"I know you guys are close. But I haven't said that I did or didn't agree with him on this decision. He has to make them on his own and deal with the consequences on his own," I murmured. It was all a big jumble in my head. "I'm just worried about him."

"You don't think I'm worried about him? There are so many things at stake here, Bea. Not just this band, which, by the way, is heading towards more success. If he quits, then there goes his friends, his life, and his music. Asher won't be himself," Ben replied.

"I want him to be happy, Ben. So if quitting the band is what does it, then so be it. But yeah, you and I both know that it's not what'll fix him. It's us." I sucked in a breath and looked at the time on my phone. I hoped Asher was waiting for me somewhere.

"What are we going to do, then, Bea?" He was desperate to get Asher.

"I'll talk to him. But if he decides not to do this, I'm not choosing sides, because I'm already on his. If he decides to quit, that's what will happen. If he decides to go..." My mind trailed off on all the things that could happen if he left again. I didn't want that to happen again.

"You guys might not make it." Ben finished for me. I crossed my arms over my chest.

I may have been in denial.

"But I'm not going to be selfish and keep him here on purpose, Ben. And I'm kind of upset that you thought I would." I wanted to get off the subject of my heart being torn in half for the second time.

"I know you wouldn't... I just..." His mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water.

"It's okay." I walked over to him and gave him a quick hug. "It'll all be okay."

Although I really had my doubts that it would work out for everyone.

Asher was sitting on a bench in Central Park when I found fifteen minutes later. He was puffing out smoke from a cigarette, his sun glasses hanging low on his face. He looked like a total hot mess. I plopped down beside him and plucked the cigarette from his hands. I raised to my lips and accidentally took a big breath in.

"Oh," I coughed. "Smells like cancer."

Asher chuckled lightly. I smashed the cigarette out with my shoe and threw it in a near-by ashtray.

"Sorry I just left you up there," he apologized. "I had to get out of there."

"It's okay," I said for the second time today as I rested my hand on his knee.

"I can't do that anymore, Bea. You get that right?" He pleaded with me to understand him, but I knew what giving up sounded like. It came from me for the first fifteen years of my life.

"I get that you're still healing from all the stuff that's happened," I said, nodding my head. "But, Asher, don't let negative people with unwanted opinions get to you."

"It's not just that," he argued, looking away from me and clenching his jaw.

"It's your mom, I know." I turned to him. "Are you scared that your music will just up and disappear?"

He didn't answer me for a moment. "If my mom can leave me just like that, so can everything else in it." He looked at me long and hard and I understood that he wasn't just talking about his music.

"If I'm the reason you don't want to go, then screw that, Asher. You and I will always find our way back to each other." The blood was pumping through my veins, making them feel as if they would pop at any second.

"I know that, Bea. I'm not scared to lose you again." I wasn't sure if that a good thing or a bad thing. "I just don't want to do it anymore. But since we're talking about it, nothing is permanent."

"No it's not. That's how God intended for it to be. You don't know if you're going to die tomorrow or if you have the next fifty years to go. You're supposed to live everyday as if you were going to die. Not act like you're dying." My chest rose and fell dramatically and I realized I was getting angry.

Asher took my hand and wrapped it in his, raising it to his lips to kiss it.

"I didn't mean to make you mad," he whispered. "I lied, Bea. I am scared to lose you, just not because of the distance."

"Your mom told me all of that stuff the last day I saw her," I mumbled, resting my head on his shoulder. "She told me that she wanted to go on an adventure with your dad because she didn't know whether it was their last day or not. She meant that for anyone, Asher. Live in the moment. That's just how it's supposed to be."

His eyes met mine and saw the real concern in them. "She said that?"

"Yes, and I think you should live by that. Do what makes you happy, okay?" I practically begged.

He looked away and I could see the gears in his brain churning. He suggested we grab some lunch as we left the park and I agreed, but waited back as he ordered us two hotdogs. I pulled out my phone and dialed Ben's number.

"Hello?" He answered.

"Hey, don't give up on him just yet."

I wanted so badly to believe that he would choose what made him happy. There was a small part, or maybe it was actually ahuge part, of me that hoped I was that happiness.

____________

So much decision making in this chapter!! Decided to get this one written and posted for you guys since you've waited forver for me the past couple times and I'm not gonna be able to post for the next week or so because I'll be very very busy. 

The song is Bird Set Free by Sia!

Google tells me that picture is of Central Park, so I'm gonna say it is too. It's so beautiful! I've never been to New York, have any of you guys?

Can I get some honest opinions about this chapter? What do you think Asher will decide? Stay with Bea in NYC and take a break (or even quit the band?!) or go with the band like we all know he was destined to do?

Hey, things change and so do people... ugh.