Worst Intentions written by Emylawrence

i. COVER & TITLE

I like covers that show off the genre because then people know what they're getting into. However, I think there are places for this cover to improve simply because it's so simple. The 'intentions' part is a little hard to read, and the darker haze of the cover picture makes the blue not stick out as much as it could. I'm terrible with graphic design, so take that into account, but I do know what would stick out to me as a reader, so that's where that comes from. It still looks professional and representative. I would recommend working with a designer to create something just a little more readable and unique.

As for your title, it's not the abstract-crazy fantasy titles I'm used to, but I still do like it. It gives us some insight into what might go on here, and it also stays away from anything overly cliche, so I like it.

ii. BLURB

Without having read a word of the blurb, I felt as though it's too long. After reading, I found most of it to be pretty essential information. This happens sometimes--where books just don't fit into the blurb format we want them to. So with that being said, I think you should try to edit out as much as you think you can to make it just a little more manageable to readers on Wattpad. If you're seeking publication, the length you have would be perfectly manageable.

Moving on from the length, I have a few other tips that might help your blurb. First off, I always want writers to take full names out of their blurbs—and never put them at the beginning. Readers just don't care what Celia's last name is, and it doesn't add anything to the blurb and what we get from it. All it does is give us one more word we're not familiar with right off the bat. It's harmful to a reader's working memory, and while that all seems awfully dramatic, it's the little things that make blurbs work. So I'd recommend taking the last name out or at least moving it somewhere else.

The last thing I think you should do is include your title at the end of your blurb. 'Worst intentions' fits pretty well into a sentence, and it's already almost mentioned already. Having your title in your blurb is extremely effective in drawing readers, as well as giving them a sense of a firm, exciting ending.

1 3 / 1 5

i. PUNCTUATION

#1: COMMAS

Your commas, semicolons and other punctuation are excellent and virtually error-free! I've found only one persistent error for you to fix, although it doesn't affect the writing much. I'd recommend looking for this problem when you go in to edit other things since it's not something to really worry about much now. When you have an introductory phrase, you often don't use the comma required to introduce the clause. Here's an example:

'For the longest time I didn't know how to function without her.'

So breaking down this sentence, 'for the longest time' is an introductory phrase, and 'I didn't know how to function without her' is the independent clause. Therefore, the comma needs to be in between the two:

'For the longest time, I didn't know how to function without her.'

Here's another example from your writing:

'A few short months ago I was the good girl.'

So here is the exact same situation as above, with the same solution. Just add a comma there before the independent clause and call it a day.

#2: THE DASH

The last thing I'd like to mention here is your avoidance of the dash. So yes, I'm a little overly obsessed with the dash and you'd be valid to say overusing it is a definitive quality of my style. However, you use it so little that I'm beginning to see places where sentences would end up far clearer if they had a dash introduced. Dashes are limited to creative writing, so if you were going the more academic route, you'd have to use a few more semicolons where a creative writer would use a dash, or split sentences up with the good old period.

ii. VERB ENDINGS

Another small logistical error I'd like to mention here: I notice you tend to include a lot of different forms of verbs in one sentence. Here's an example:

'The warm-looking furniture that already existed in the teal room appears to be as old as the building the holds it, nothing about it easing my nerves of having to spend the night in here.'

So first you have the simple past tense verb 'existed' and then you have the simple present tense verb 'appears' before having the present participle verb 'easing'. This isn't ideal. The rule is, generally, that if you're creating separate timelines, then you can use them together in a sentence, but you'd be best off separating them with some form of punctuation. However, you don't have two separate timelines here—you almost have one with the furniture, but not quite in my opinion.

I identified the verbs as the problem here because I began with scientific style writing, but I noticed the problem because I felt it disrupted something with the creative flow of the story. What I mean to bring to your attention with those facts is that many native English (creative) writers will feel as though something is wrong with the sentence above, but they won't really know why, and they'll decide they just don't really like your style for other reasons. That's how I justify bringing it up despite it being a very minimal and oddly specific problem.

So fixing the problem is easy—just change all the verbs to the same tense and form:

'The warm-looking furniture that already exists in the teal room appears to be as old as the building the holds it; nothing about it eases my nerves of having to spend the night in here.'

I've added the semicolon there to correct it now that the second clause has become independent. Moving on to the next sentence would allow you to use new verbs, but you could also use semicolons or dashes to separate different verbs—because they're a bit stronger punctuation than the comma, and it would come out a bit better.

1 4 / 1 5

i. PACING

The biggest issue I had with your pacing was your prologue. It has the feel of info-dumping and a little bit of a lecture due to its straightforwardness. I would recommend taking it out, but I see what you were trying to do with it, so instead, I think I worked out a better idea. I think you should change it from first person to third person omniscient. Tell the story like this:

'When her older sister went missing, the world imploded. For the longest time, she didn't know how to function. As months turned to years, the hope of the two reuniting never returned.'

I might be alone in this, but I think this is less of a lecture-y feel and more of a storytelling feel. It will also give this sense of mystery to the prologue that works really well. If you don't choose to rewrite it like this, I would recommend just scrapping the prologue. I don't think it does justice to the rest of the story and the true ability of your writing.

As for the rest of your pacing, I think the actual events occur at a perfect rate, but I felt a little rushed to see the characters being introduced so deeply, so quickly. I think a few scenes of tension between Celia and her mother would make their explosive argument more meaningful in the first chapter. Without any connections or the ability to relate to the characters thus far, I had trouble sympathizing or really having feelings at all about the argument. I want to side with Celia for the sole reason that her mother sounds unreasonable--not because I love her as a character or feel for what she's going through yet. Does that make sense?

ii. TRANSITIONS

Your transitions between scenes such as driving in the car to arriving at the house are great, but I'm not really a fan of the way you end chapters. For example, you end the first chapter with the line, 'That's a shame. I could've used a long soak in a tub right about now.'

So that relates just fine to the sentence above it, but it's a bit of an abrupt line to end a chapter on. I'd recommend viewing your chapters as their own, individual stories. Give them a beginning, a middle, and an ending, always. It really doesn't take much extra work. After the bathtub line, you could type in something like, 'I could use a million things that are just out of reach,' or something to that effect. That would help give the chapter a firm ending to make us feel like we've just read a little story, and now we want another. I much preferred the ending to chapter 2, which felt more aligned with the things I've mentioned above.

0 8 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

We all have different expectations for description. I really like description that is on the longer side and comes off a little like poetry. However, I can still appreciate the simplicity of characters descriptions and especially your ability to introduce them quickly and naturally. Each one of your characters has a clear, firm image and is interesting to read about. The only thing I'd like to mention in this section in terms of improvement is how quickly your characters interact sometimes. For example, in chapter 2, I felt like the reaction with Brynn was a little abrupt and rushed. Nothing big, but if you're looking for things to perfect, maybe glance at that scene again and see if there's a way, in general, to have some of your character interactions slowed down a little.

ii. SCENES

I really like your scene description and setup because it matches the simplicity of your style and tone. It's easy to follow and almost never over-the-top. Again, if you're searching for tiny problems, consider looking at when you describe things in the timeline of the scene. Often, you'll describe everything at the beginning, and leave the rest of the scene for dialogue and plot. Scenes work best when there are little descriptions of what is going on around your characters scattered throughout the scene.

0 9 / 1 0

i. PLOT

This is always a tough section to place judgement on for the sole reason that I don't get to read your entire story, and I don't know what other interesting or unique factors you're going to bring in. However, in terms of the overall direction of your plot, I really like that you haven't thrown your characters together too fast, and the romance isn't overly cliché. I like that we don't truly get to meet Trevor until chapter 3, so you've given us time to meet and like Celia before throwing a wrench at her life.

In terms of overall plot, it's much harder to make contemporary unique than it is to make fantasy unique, and that's what I'm used to reviewing. My experience is limited with this kind of genre on Wattpad. So with that in mind, this story doesn't feel incredibly original to me, but instead, it comes off as a binge-worthy read that will satisfy a reader all the same.

ii. TONE

This is another book with a pretty simple tone, but the first-person narration here allows you to develop a more unique tone than other books. I like being in Celia's head, and I like how you've made her likeable as the main character. She has an interesting perspective on life, and her outlook makes all your scenes—even ones that are less romance and more development—enjoyable.

1 0 / 1 0

This book is well done, and there is clear evidence that a lot of work has been put into both the editing and the overall crafting. There are almost no logistical errors, a few small things to think about in terms of pacing and the occasional transition to clean up. Overall, this is a very polished, enjoyable story that deserves every read it has!

5 4 / 6 0