Whisper of Blade written by MiyaHikari

i. COVER & TITLE

Although I love your cover, at first glance, it does come off a little dark. That's a part of the fantasy vibe you have going, of course, but it was just a tad difficult to make out the subtitle even when I enlarged it. It looks professional and beautiful, but there is potential to lighten it up just for ease of reading.

'Whisper of Blade' is a pretty unique title, and I like the ominous nature behind it. I get the feeling it has a decent significance that will come into play even from reading the blurb. However, with that being said, the term 'Whisper of Blade' is a little odd grammatically. Perhaps that makes more sense for the meaning that you've put behind it, but in my mind, I think 'The Whisper of the Blade' flows better? I'm not entirely sure, but I do get a little confusion over what the title is really trying to tell us. But with that in mind, 'The Whisper of the Blade' sounds a lot like every other fantasy SJM book with so many extra 'the's and 'of's. So maybe just 'Whisper of the Blade'? I think that would be the best recommendation I have. Both your cover and title present a great initial impression.

ii. BLURB

Your blurb is definitely good, but there's a lot going on in it and it's very long. I think it lacks a little bit of organization. For example, we get the big 'Do you deserve mercy' question, which connects beautifully to the cover and subtitle, but then we also get that run-down of the characters at the end. I think it's better to end with the big subtitle question and leave readers at that. But that brings into question how you tell the readers about the enemy prince and the goddess of justice. My suggestion would be to rewrite the blurb entirely and include those extra two characters somewhere in the overall explanation paragraph. I'd rewrite it to show you what I mean, but I'm not sure how those characters fit into the story yet, so I'm not able to do that at this point.

iii. PROLOGUE

Your prologue has great writing and a captivating story. The only problem is it starts us off right in the middle of confusion. We don't know who these characters are, we don't know entirely what is going on, and more and more information is given to us without explanation. Now, I understand prologues are often supposed to be confusing, but I think the problem is that yours is very long. There is a lot of information that we are processing--which is fine in main story fantasy, but because it's the prologue, the reader has no stability to hold onto yet. We haven't met the main character when she's older, and we haven't been introduced to the world in a situation where conflict isn't already happening. First, I find myself wondering what this fever is, then I'm trying to understand what happened with the fire and if that means Edina has some sort of fire-welding power. Then I'm trying to understand the relationship, what's going on with Minevera's eyes, then what happened with Minerva's mother and brother, what this shadowy thing is, and so on.  Personally, I think your prologue would be less of a problem if it were a published book. If I bought it in a bookstore I wouldn't simply stop reading because I was too confused. I would be discouraged, but I wouldn't throw it away. But on Wattpad, people are more likely to stop reading because of the little things. I recommend shortening the prologue or chopping it up and putting it between chapters. 

1 3 / 1 5

i. GRAMMAR

Your grammar is exceptional. I see very few issues and clean, concise writing. I have one mistake I'd like to bring to your attention:

PROBLEM #1: THE ELLIPSIS

The ellipsis, also known as those three little dots, is an extremely useful writing tool. I'm glad to see you don't overuse it, because that drives me insane. But there is a very specific way to use the ellipsis. I don't care about the space after/between the words and the ellipsis, because that varies greatly depending on which country you're from, but I do focus on the capital or lowercase that follows the ellipsis, because that is consistent across most countries.

THE RULE: If the clause that follows the ellipsis is independent, it starts with a capital. If it is dependent, it starts with a lowercase. (Quick reminder that an independent clause contains a subject and verb, whereas a dependent clause is missing one of the two.)

Examples:

#1: 'If he went down that route...He would never return.' 

Capitalized on the 'He', because 'He would never return' is independent.

#2: 'The consequences of going down that route could be...dire.' 

Lowercased on the 'dire', because 'dire' is dependent.

Examples from your book:

#1: 'The shadow...she should have realized.' (Prologue)

'she should have realized' is independent. Therefore, the correction:

'The shadow...She should have realized.'

#2: 'But one day...one day they wouldn't need to hide in nondescript buildings, switching locations to avoid suspicion.' (Chapter 2)

Above, the second clause is independent, so the word 'one' should be capitalized.

'But one day...One day they wouldn't need to hide in nondescript buildings, switching locations to avoid suspicion.'

This was a frequent issue, so I'd go through and check all your ellipses to make sure the clause after them is capitalized correctly.

ii. DIALOGUE

PROBLEM #1: DIALOGUE CONTINUATION

I have found a couple dialogue errors but for the most part, you have all the basics down. I noticed sometimes you have an issue when dialogue continues freely after a dialogue tag. For example, from your book:

"Kozakura," the woman began before she paused to lick her lips, "You have to believe me..."

So above, the problem lies in the capital 'Y' in the beginning of the second dialogue line. To be correctly formatted, that 'y' needs to be a lowercase because it is the continuation of the dialogue line. Think of the original dialogue sentence:

"Kozakura, you have to believe me..."

So above, you use that exact sentence, then insert the dialogue with no changes to the original. However, if you wanted the second line to be capitalized, you would write it this way.

"Kozakura," the woman began before she paused to lick her lips. "You have to believe me..."

And you would end with a period then start with a capital. I only saw this issue once or twice in your chapters.

PROBLEM #2: DIALOGUE TAG VS. ACTION TAG

Sometimes, you use the punctuation for a dialogue tag when you're writing an action tag. Example from your writing:

"I--" the former apprentice burst into tears. "I haven't..."

Above, 'the former apprentice burst into tears' is an action tag, because although it represents an action, it does not describe the way the dialogue is being said. Therefore, you must use a capital at the start of the tag. The correction would be:

"I--" The former apprentice burst into tears. "I haven't.."

1 2 / 1 5

i. TRANSITIONS

I love the easy flow of your sentences and story. Each chapter ends with finality and the new one begins with a sense of organization. Your sentences aren't awkward, and you transition from problem to problem quickly and efficiently. I searched desperately for even one sentence that was worded odd or one that I could try to improve, and I found none.

ii. PACING

I like the quick pacing of the first three chapters. We have action and moments to relax. However, as I stated with the prologue, you have a lot of foreign names and objects. It's important to remember that us readers don't fully understand what those are yet, and they need to be introduced slowly and carefully in order to avoid confusion. I have this problem too, having over fifteen characters to introduce in two chapters. Some tips to make these introductions easy:

- Give us something stable to hold on to. That means give us a 'home base' or a city/kingdom that we are introduced to first, then compare new cities/kingdoms to that stability that we already have.

- Every time a new place or thing is introduced, always tell us something weirdly unique about that place/person/thing to give us something to remember--something that will stick out.

- Have someone read the story actively in front of you. Every time they don't understand something, have them tell you. Often, when we read and then review, we end up drawing conclusions or forgetting things that confused us before. It's best to have someone go through it with you in real time.

  Fantasy is always a difficult thing to create because of the introduction of so much, but beyond the names and places, your pacing from scene to scene is very good and easy to follow.

0 9 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

The description of your characters is so, so perfect. You lack an excess of physical description, but if that's you're style then that's fine. Just keep in mind readers might want a little more detail about eye colour, hair colour, etc. but it's not necessary to make a good story. The way you describe Shika in chapter 2 is exactly the type of description I would recommend: emotional, smooth and unique.

ii. SCENES

You manage to balance description perfectly between calmer scenes and action scenes. Every scene is beautifully concocted with all sorts of details that don't get too cluttered. I really don't have much to say in these categories.

1 0 / 1 0

i. PLOT

Whisper of Blade contains a uniquely loveable main character and an exciting world with interesting conflicts. I can already see the prologue connecting to the rest of the story, intertwining with the main plot in a way that is satisfyingly complicated. I like the Minerva-Shika relationship, which gives us something solid to hold onto while we try to navigate this new world. Your ability to write so smoothly and so descriptively brings your incredibly unique plot to life.

ii. TONE

The narration of Minerva makes me love her, sympathize with her, and understand her motivations. You write her and the other characters in a way that is vivid and intriguing. The endings of the chapters, especially chapter 2, leave me wanting more. Your tone is unique and sparkling with personality.

1 0 / 1 0

Whisper of Blade is a wonderfully exciting fantasy story. The characters are unique, the flow is effortless and the plot is captivating. There's potential for your blurb to be reorganized, and there are a few logistical errors to clear up, but they don't affect the overall feel of the story too much. I thoroughly enjoyed reviewing this book! Since you got over 50 points, I'll add this story to my reading list.

5 4 / 6 0