Vicious Romance written by divvyrora

i. COVER & TITLE

Your cover is excellent, eye-catching and seems to represent the story. I have no qualms with the cover. Your title also matches the story and is decently unique. Again, I have no problems with the title.

ii. BLURB

The blurb, however, could use a lot of work. For one, it's too long, and it contains too much info. It also starts with dialogue, which I don't recommend doing because it takes up valuable space that needs to be used to entice readers. You could take out the whole first part of your blurb, and the second part needs some refining as well. Below I've rewritten it, and I'll explain why I did what I did after.

I should be detached and emotionless. That's what the FBI should be. And yet here I am, getting swept off my feet by some gorgeous-yet-possible-Mafia-Lord in a Whole Foods.

Hally is ambitious and willing to go to great lengths to uncover the disappearance of her best friend, all while climbing the corporate ladder to prove that she belongs. But having to look after suspected criminal Noah throws her plans out of wack, making her feel as though she might be losing herself.

But what happens when falling for him could be the only thing that could save herself and the people she cares about?

List of things I did:
- Increased the drama of the first sentence. It draws people in, and it uses the unique set-up of that situation to prove shock value.
- Tightened up the middle by getting rid of info that was extra.
- Shortened overall and took out the dialogue in the beginning.

To conclude, this blurb should provide more organization to your readers. If you really want dialogue in your blurb, you should put it after to summary. Keep it simple and concise.

iii. HOOK:

Continuing on with initial impression, your first sentence in chapter one could also use some work. It was a little confusing and hard to read. Rewritten below,

'You're a failure.

That's right—a disgrace, someone who is unwanted.'

I firmly believe if you want that drama and shock value, you should make that first line standalone, and then fix up the second with the dash.

1 1 / 1 5

i. GRAMMAR

You have issues with grammar. Here are a few things you need to know before we go over any of these problems.

An independent clause is the part of a sentence that can stand alone. It does not need any other words to make sense.

A dependent clause is a part of a sentence that cannot stand alone. It needs an independent clause to make sense.

Moving on; you have two major comma problems and a few other grammar issues. They are organized below.

PROBLEM #1: CLAUSE COMMAS

The rule: Independent clause dependant clause (no comma between)

When an independent clause comes before a dependent clause, there is no comma between. This is where you struggle the most.

Example(s) from your book:
#1: 'Those were the words I heard when I dropped out of medical school, to join the FBI.'

Splitting those clauses apart, we can tell that although the clause before the comma is independent, the one after is not. That means 'to join the FBI' could not stand one its own—it wouldn't make any sense. So, looking at the rule above, there should be no comma there.

#2: 'My life was far from action-filled, when I was in medical school.'

'When I was in medical school' is dependent—it cannot stand alone and still make sense. Therefore, you don't put a comma before it.

PROBLEM #2: COMMAS BEFORE CONJUNCTIONS

The rule: If you have two independent clauses separated by 'and', there is a comma before it. If you have a dependent clause either in front or behind, you don't put the comma before 'and'.

Example(s) from your book:
#1: 'They'd call me a failure, and laugh while stuffing popcorn in their mouth.'

'While stuffing popcorn in their mouth' is dependent. It does not stand alone. Therefore, there should not be a comma there.

PROBLEM #3: THE SEMICOLON

The rule: A semicolon is used to separate two independent yet still related clauses.

Example(s) from your book:
'It was the traditional Indian mentality, what could I do about it?'

Splitting those two clauses apart, we can see they are both independent, which means you can't use a comma there, you have to use a semicolon. You could also use a period, but the semicolon would work better. The correction would be:

'It was the traditional Indian mentality; what could I do about it?'

You have quite a few of these issues, and they do interrupt your flow. So how do you fix them without examining every single comma you wrote? The truth is, you can't. When you're first relearning how to use commas, you have to second guess every comma you write for a while—that's what I had to do. But eventually, you'll get the rules in your head to the point where you'll just naturally write it properly. I don't have these rules memorized, but I just know when something sounds off. I don't read your story and go, "Oh, that's a violation of rule number 2." I read it, feel like something is off, and then I search for the correction based on the rules.

ii. FORMATTING & SPELLING ERRORS

You have extra spaces at the beginning of your paragraphs, which is the only typo-kind of error I was able to catch. You seem to be able to edit your story well enough to get rid of those.

But on the topic of formatting, you sometimes use a question mark and an exclamation mark after dialogue, which is unprofessional and doesn't look great. Often, italics are the best way to make it be known that a character is upset or excited when they ask a question.

iv. DIALOGUE

I don't see any issues with dialogue; you seem to have that down. Sometimes, you draw out your dialogue a little, and I find characters saying way more than they have to to get their point across. I'd recommend looking for that and organizing up that kind of thing.

1 0 / 1 5

i. TRANSITIONS

I don't find your transitions particularly jarring, and you use a number of different words and styles to move the story on. Unfortunately, your grammatical errors do occasionally disrupt the story flow, but those are easier fixes.

ii. PACING

Your pacing is pretty slow in chapter one, and as I mentioned earlier, I found a lot of the dialogue between Doug and Hally unnesscary to the story and a little hard to follow. I think it could be shortened a lot and fixed up to flow better. How could you make that conversation shorter, while still giving off the same main points? I'd recommend going through it again.

0 8 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

I notice you avoid info-dumping--that's awesome. But you are so careful to avoid info-dumping that I don't think you give enough description. I get that it's a really hard thing to put in a story naturally. I know some writers that choose to forgo the description of characters altogether, and honestly, it really helps the flow of the story. But to a lot of readers, it's important. There are ways you can do your description better, I think.

I use a rule I call the 'two-to-one-ratio'. What that means is for every two physical descriptions I give, I give an emotional description as well. It increases the flow and makes the story more natural, in my opinion. Below is an excerpt of the description of one of my characters. I'll assess it after:

'At first glance, she looked like the type of woman to sit on a throne and balance a crown on her head. She obtained that type of drop-dead beauty. But when Archer looked closer, her face structure was just a tad too sharp to be considered lovely, and the little sections of her hair that had been loosely braided were too practical to be considered simply stylish. Her skin was tanned and smooth, but there was a tattoo curling around her bicep, just covered by her shirt, as well as a few others wrapped around her fingers and hidden behind her ear. This woman was a pirate first, who just also happened to be stunning.'

So this is a very long, complex description, but it tells us a lot of things. It tells us almost everything we need to know about this character. And you'll notice I don't use typical descriptions only--I use a lot of emotional descriptions. I talk about unique things, like the fact that her braided hair looks practical rather than stylish, that she looks a little too sharp to be just lovely. Those unique descriptions allow the reader to feel things when they meet this character. Next time you're forming a description, think of the wildest thing you can: something abstract. If I were to describe myself emotionally, I would say something like this:

'Tari was an annoyingly dramatic byproduct of too much creativity. Despite having a rather wild mind, she hated disorder, and you could often find her organizing the ketchup packets in her fridge by date.'

I feel like a person can really relate to that description, you know? The ketchup packets aren't a thing you're going to find in another book or another character. They are unique to this character. It's important to find things that are unique to your characters. People will remember them better and relate to them better.

ii. SCENES

Your scene description is definitely there, and it's definitely good enough, but it could be better. Remember to describe more abstract things when you write, such as taste, smell and sounds. When you describe a scene while trying to make it as natural as possible, consider all the senses you have access to, and see how well you can work with them.

0 7 / 1 0

i. PLOT

As I went into detail in my last review, I'm reluctant to judge plot too harshly, considering I haven't read the whole book. But from what I see, you've taken a rather typical mafia romance and managed to make it a little less cliche. You should be careful about the direction you take your story, and you should try to do everything you can to set it aside from tropes. I know that I usually avoid tropes on Wattpad because they're often not written well. Yours is, so just make sure people know that when you're forming your blurb/hook.

ii. TONE

Your tone strikes me as a sarcastic, emotional and deep voice in the main character's head. Be careful to separate the unprofessional way Hally talks to herself from the way she narrates. There should be a definitive line between the two. Both are important, but they should be different.

In addition, be careful to slip-ups in tense. You only did it once or twice, but it drastically messes with flow. So just be careful you're always in present tense!

0 8 / 1 0

This story has some work to do in terms of logistics and flow, but the overall build of the story is structured nicely. There are a lot of good aspects of the story to go off, and it was a pleasure to review it. Once those logistics are fixed up a little, I'm sure the story will be hit-worthy. 

4 4 / 6 0