Chapter reviewed: Prologue -4
Username: rosiepye
Title: Two of a kind.

TITLE:

Very generic. I won’t say it’s bad, but if I see the title in a bookstore, I won’t even look twice. Every romance is a story of two people unless you write a polygamy relationship.

COVER:
It’s actually very good. I would appreciate it more if you use a different font for the title. There’s one thing I am not a fan of. It’s the fire in the middle. Not sure how that works. The fire doesn’t really surround the body, right? Or does the person controls the fire in front of him? I don't like the subtitle. There's nothing special to it. Again, a very generic, typical, or love story.

BLURB:
You don’t have a blurb, basically. You have an excerpt, which is…not good for you and not good for me as a reader. We need to know what the story is about. You don’t do ‘clickbait’, indirectly asking us to actually click on the chapters to see what the story is about. People don’t give much thought to a random book that doesn’t attract them. And because your excerpt isn’t interesting to hook us in, it would give you another unnecessary barrier for you to find a reader.

Try and work on your blurb. Try to not make an excerpt into a blurb. It screams amateur (well, we are all amateurs, but try to be the better one).

CONTENT/PLOT:
*As a warning, let me tell you this. I am almost always against prologues.*

You know, because I have read the same type of prologue a thousand times since I started Wattpad 3 years ago (this might or might not be an exaggeration) I directly knew it was about the birth of the MC right from the very first sentence. In fact, 800 out of 1000 prologues I have read was about the birth of the MC.

Can you tell me why you, as a writer, want me, your reader, to read something that I am sure, even you, have read before in other books? What’s the plus point to it? Everyone has a birthday. And nobody wants to know what happens on anyone’s birthday.

I know you want to show the odd power the male MC has right after his birth. Which can easily be incorporated in the narration of the main story in a line or two, or in the king's dialogue or something like that? You don’t need to write 1.5k words simply to show that.

So my opinion is, your prologue is unnecessary. And my suggestion is, get rid of it.

In chapter 1, you introduce the MC in media res. He just burnt the forest, and then you delve into his internal conflict, how as he grows older, he becomes evil (in his standard). You set up a good base for the story. There’s a theme here already.

Now when I think about it, you actually elaborate everything about his power with the fire and the rocks. Which made me question the necessity of the prologue again. Maybe now you get me when I said your prologue is unnecessary? You can delete it, and nothing will change.

One paragraph actually caught my attention in chapter 1. It’s this one:
It’s actually VERY GOOD. The way you describe it, the nature of the rock, how he feels the soul of the rock from the day of its birth to what it is now. It's awesome.

Similar to many before you, you have issues with describing characters. You’re describing too much. “My father has this and that, my mother has this and that, I have this and that.” Writing in 1st POV is actually very hard because it’s very hard to master the voice of the characters, and how to not make the narration into a ranting kind of narration. I still have the issue even now.

You write a magical kind of fantasy. Why don’t you use the 3rd POV subjective? (It’s hard to write omni, so I wouldn’t far to suggest that). If I am allowed to say this, I think you’ve made a wrong choice by writing in 1st POV. I will elaborate in the next section.

Let’s move to chapter 2, where I have a massive issue with it.

1. Tell me what parents in their right mind will leave an 11-year-old girl in the bedroom alone with a so-called male therapist, and for the first time to boot? [now that I've read further, it seems like the father planned it]

2. You write the POV of an 11yo, yet she talks about the act of the rape itself? For what? In no way you do need the final scene.

3. Chapter 2 is simply written conveniently to reach the rape scene.

Everything about this chapter doesn’t feel right. The POV, the objective of the chapter itself, the conflict, the voice, the rape.

Chapter 3 is good but very underwritten. I like how the scene in chapter 3 becomes the precursor to his antagonistic personality. I have a bit of qualm about the reason for him losing his control. He is 13, but he’s so ‘in love'. But again, it could be realistic too. He can be immature and overthink or something.

Personally, when I was 13 (16 years ago), things were different. 13 years old at that time (at least not me) never thought about love. Chapter 3 is very short and has very little content I it, so I can’t talk much about it.

One thing that I REALLY LIKE about chapter 4 is the water and air elements that she controls. How she manipulates the air to her will. It’s one of the most original content I’ve ever read (I barely read fantasy though).

Again, like chapter 3, I have little to say about chapter 4, but I also found your storytelling in this chapter very convenient like chapter 3. I’ll talk about this in ‘characters’.

CHARACTERS:
Both of the MCs have some kind of absolute power (I am not sure what is the term, Cross might know it). The boy controls the Earth himself, which is crazy powerful. And the girl controls the air and water and the prettiest girl out there. Both seem to be a protégé that holds the world's future. What are their flaws? Do they have one?

They also sound the same. I won’t be hard on you on this point, because ‘voice’ is one of the hardest elements to achieve, and they’re both teenagers. So it makes sense up to some point that they have limited vocabulary and voice. But make sure to keep in mind to focus on the characterization when you edit the story for the next draft because they both sound like one-dimensional characters. Both deal with the same conflict (problems with their absolute power).

I had trouble understanding the father's objective. For what reason does he allow the guy to rape his own daughter? Because he’s afraid of her or something? You mentioned the ‘Rod’ for the punishment. But what is it? What kind of country is it? What’s the system adopted in the country?  Is it a tyrannical country?

WORLDBUILDING:
When I read the prologue, I thought the story is historical/have a high fantasy setting. But the way you describe them going back home from school, Liam's room, sounds so much like a normal teen fiction set up in the current era. The time in your story setting doesn’t match with the world you’re trying to present, or I believe so. The theme of your time and place setting doesn’t match with your genre for some reason.

I think the issue is the lack of worldbuilding. You don’t really build your world for us to connect to. You focus on the characters’ internal conflict and ignore the setting.

If you don’t mind, I’ll give you some ‘tips’. I’m not the best to give suggestions on fantasy stories, but I hope it helps.

So, just the way your characters are supposed to have their own voice, your world should have its own theme and tone too. You have to create a general atmosphere, write more physical descriptions that can make the place memorable and distinct. Now, I don’t know even know what era we are in. One time it read like ‘GOT’ kind of alternate world, one time, it reads like a simple teen romance.

You can also talk about the society as a whole. Create the people. Don’t simply focus on the MCs. Show us their civilization. If possible, find books written by people who inhabited your chosen place in the time you’re writing about.

If, for example, you want to write an era like the ancient Greece in the year 350 BC, you could read the writings of people who lived during this time (Aristotle, for example) to get a sense of how people expressed themselves and felt about their world. You can also rely on the work of good authors who have based their fiction in the same setting. Even if writing about invented settings, look for details and ideas you can borrow from them.

WRITING TECHNIQUE/STYLE:
Reading hard fantasy in 1st pov can be a turn-off if I can be blunt. One of the reasons why your narration is lacking in worldbuilding is because the view is limited to the character's viewpoint. Stories that are mostly characters’ inner monologue or dialogue with no sense of their surroundings can feel adrift, without anything to anchor them to the readers.

If you plan to rewrite the story, I suggest you rewrite the whole thing into the 3rd pov. Writing omniscient is very hard to write, but you could read about it and see for yourself. But because you write 1st pov, I think changing it into 3rd pov limited is better. Still hard, but better than omni.

Things could get so wrong with omni, it becomes an unpopular technique in modern literature. Not necessarily because of that too. Omni can be a technique where writers misuse it to infodump worldbuilding. By writing a 3rd limited, you will still focus on the characters, but the viewpoint would be wider than a 1st pov, and it’s widely used in fictional writing too, especially in modern fiction. It’s easier to ‘shoe’ your characters’ powers through a third eye than their own eyes.

If we go deeper into your writing style, I can say your ‘tone’ is still immature, regardless of the MCs’ age.

You open up the story with an ‘AAAAGH!’, and you have the same intro in chapter 1. After reviewing for several years now, I have seen this pattern a lot. And 99% of the time, the style is from inexperienced writers. Writin styles need time to mature and evolve. I used to claim I am a new writer, but I am not that new after 3 years (well, I'm still new if we compare me to Cross for example), yet I still have that issue now. I can’t find my ‘voice’ yet.

Aesthetic-wise, I think you’re doing good so far. You have balanced short and long sentences. That’s how we need to write so that our writing won’t look monotonous. Just keep it consistent. For example, in chapter 2, you don’t have long sentences. It doesn’t look good. The aesthetic is more important than you think. It helps the readers see your effort.

OVERALL:
I think the story you have is very cool. The powers, although they seem excessively convenient to me, they’re actually very intriguing. I don’t know if you watch/read One Piece, but the boy's power reminds me of Whitebeard. The power is so cool.

The issue I have pointed out are mostly the presentation of your writing, not the idea of the story itself. I am not sure if this is your first draft or what, but assuming it is from the way you presented the story, it is very normal to underwrite your story.

Personally, I think the more experienced a writer is, they tend to overwrite their 1st draft. The case is different than new writers. New writers tend to underwrite their 1st draft. It’s totally okay. You can always add things up when you rewrite. The fact that you look for reviewers proves that you really care about your story and getting better.

I repeat, the story itself is very interesting. You just need some time to learn the technicality and to get experience. And I'm sure this story will be great once you have both on your side. XD

Keep writing! Good luck ❤