The Sigma Asset written by pixelmum

i. COVER & TITLE

While I don't find the cover very grabbing, I do like the title. I think the cover needs a bit more to it to be eye-catching. Maybe a little more colour or a slightly bolder font. I know nothing about graphics. I just know what grabs my attention and what doesn't, and this cover isn't doing that as great as it could. The title, though, is awesome—and it connects to the blurb. Perfect.

ii. BLURB

Not a huge fan of this blurb simply because I think we just get too much information. We don't really need to know all the things you've told us. We just need to know that Zephyr has escaped, he has friends he wants to help, and there's this mysterious guy that he's getting to know. I think all the information about Sigma isn't ideal. A possible rewrite:

He'll never play the piano again. That's what Zephyr has vowed to himself after escaping Sigma, a criminal organization that once held him—and still holds his friends—captive. After being forced to entertain clients with more than just music, Zephyr turns to Will, the mysterious man that helped him escape Sigma. However interesting and saviour-like Will may seem, he still has his own secrets, and they're tangled up with a dark past. Sigma is still looming, and Zephyr isn't quite sure if Will has plans that match up with his, or ones that could pull him down a one-way path to danger.

I wrote that pretty fast, so there are probably ways to make it better. However, I just wanted to show you how much shorter your blurb could be while still presenting the same point. Hopefully that'll help if you chose to clean up what you have.

1 2 / 1 5

i. PUNCTUATION

commas:

It is nearly impossible to get every comma correctly, but you sure do make it seem easy. I've found only one persistent issue, and that's the comma before a conjunction. I know this can be an intentional choice sometimes, but since I couldn't see any reasoning for you to make this error, I'm going to assume it was not intentional. Feel free to correct me.

Commas before conjunctions are used only if both the connected clauses are independent, so they form a new thought and do not rely on the other clause for clarity. I simply check if both clauses have a subject, and if they do, then the comma goes in. It can be more complicated than that, but that is a general rule of thumb that works nearly every time. Here are two examples from your writing where you did not use a comma when you needed to:

'I knew the answer but it pained me to stay it out loud.'

'The anime was two episodes in and I hadn't paid any attention to the plot.'

All four clauses here are independent. And if you look at those clauses, you'll see those subjects I mentioned in the general rule. In order: 'I', 'it', 'The anime' and 'I' again. Therefore, you'll need commas before both conjunctions here: the 'but' and the 'and'.

Wait. Don't go yet. I need to make sure you and everyone reading this knows that 'as' is not a normal conjunction for the reason that it has two meanings: as a form of time, and also as a synonym to 'because.' If you're using 'as' as the latter, there is a comma if the above rules fit. If you're using it as the former, you never use the comma. So here's that in your writing:

'I whispered, as I dove into the car.'

Here, you're using 'as' as form of time—you're doing it as the same time as you're doing this. Therefore, no comma.

the dash

You've got the wrong dash, but since you rarely use dashes, I can't really tell if this is just a typo. You used the hyphen to cut off dialogue in chapter two, when you need to use the em dash (—).

Dashes aren't necessary, of course, but they really do separate lecture writing from creative writing. However, I'm finding some places in your story where a dash would massively improve the flow/coherency of the writing. Take this for example:

'...I said, unsure why Raheem would suddenly trust that I, or anyone else, would have the faintest idea about any of Cal's intentions.'

Look at the phrase 'or anyone else'. Why is a comma the wrong choice there? Because you're actually cutting off the narration, or stopping to clarify in the middle of it. This is something you're not allowed to do in academic writing, which is why we don't use dashes for that. In this situation, you're really going to be better off using the dash:

'...I said, unsure why Raheem would suddenly trust that I—or anyone else—would have the faintest idea about any of Cal's intentions.'

ii. DIALOGUE

Two dialogue issues to mention. One: ensuring you do not use dialogue tag punctuation for action tags. Action tags do not describe the way dialogue is said, but they do indicate who is speaking. However, they do not follow dialogue tag punctuation; they follow regular punctuation. From your book:

"We can't let these prevents ruin our nights off too," I laughed along with him.

Laughing is an action, not a dialogue tag, so the dialogue there needs to have a period, not a comma. (If you're wanting to use a dialogue tag here, you can consider saying 'he said with a laugh' or something like that.)

Issue number two: The insertion of an action tag in between two lines of dialogue. Here's what you do as of now:

"No," he twisted free of my grip, "not the front entrance."

So this is tricky, and a pretty unknown rule. That is not a dialogue tag there; it's an action tag. Therefore, it requires a bit different formatting:

"No"—he twisted free of my grip—"not the front entrance."

Weird, I know. But this is the correct formatting, American or British.

14 / 1 5

i. PACING

I think your pacing is pretty good. However (prepare for the hypocritical statement of the century) I find it dragging slightly because of the very long descriptions, explanations and action. I wouldn't stop reading because of this issue, but it is something I noticed. You have some really long chapters already—which is fine—but that shows that you can clean things up without it really being a problem. I'll talk a bit more about how to fix this/tips on descriptions down in that section.

ii. TRANSITIONS

The focus rule can be really hard to catch sometimes. Every time you have a new character thinking or speaking or acting, it needs to be a new paragraph, or we'll be confused. Look at this:

"Shh, don't," Raheem said, brushing stray hairs from Miles's face. "Wanna watch a movie tonight?" Miles nodded, and Raheem led him gently out of the room.

The problem here is that 'Miles nodded' is acting as an action tag because it's right after the dialogue. But Miles isn't the one speaking—Raheem is. So you need a new paragraph after the dialogue. Or, you could just make Raheem the subject in that sentence, like this:

'At Miles' nod, Raheem led him gently out of the room."

So now we've just got the one subject, and that clears it up. Otherwise, be careful about that focus rule. Other than that, I didn't see anything else worth noting in this section. (Reminder that the possessive form after words ending with 's' should only have the apostrophe, not the extra 's'. For example, Miles' suitcase.)

0 8 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

I don't see tons of physical description, but I see enough character building to compensate for it. Your ability to not only introduce characters but then establish them well is phenomenal. The only thing I'd recommend is being careful of not mentioning any physical description. Without it, readers won't be able to remember who is who—no matter how well you've characterized them. If we can say "oh, he's the dark-haired one" or, "oh, she's the tall one" then we're going to follow the story better. Something to think about.

ii. SCENES

Descriptions and pacing go hand in hand. If we want a scene to go by quickly, then we should try to clean up the description and keep the pacing snappy. If we want our readers to slow down and really listen, then maybe we'll draw it out a little bit more. Same goes for characters—more internal thought breeds more complex characters. It's always a fine line. Let's go to your scene where Zephyr is escaping the fire. To me, this is a panic. It's an anxious moment, with a lot hanging on the line. It's action, which means it should go by a little faster than, say, a conversation in a room between friends. When you're in the middle of action, it's better to not depict every thought that Zephyr is having, because then it feels like this situation isn't all that dire or scary. Here's an excerpt from that scene:

'I didn't recognize the bearded man who emerged through the thickening smoke onto the landing. He twisted his head around in utter panic, flinching as piece of smouldering wood crackled and fell into the stairway above us. He wasn't wearing the neat black-and-grey-toned clothes that Sigma employees wore, nor a suit like clients usually wore. When he saw me he froze, open-mouthed in shock.'

I've chosen this passage because it's the third paragraph of straight description, and I found it to be the ultimate pace-sapper here. However, I understand how hard it is to part with some of these great descriptions. Therefore, let's not part with any of it. Let's just clean this up by doing a good old word count crunch:

'A strange, bearded man emerged through the thickening smoke, his head twisting in utter panic. He flinched as a piece of smouldering wood crackled and fell. He wasn't wearing the toned clothes of a Sigma employee, nor the suit of a client. His mouth froze open in shock when he saw me.'

So I've taken out about fifteen words here. In long descriptions, this might make all the difference. Keep in mind that sometimes your descriptions had repetition: We know he doesn't recognize the man because he states he's not wearing the Sigma clothes or a suit. Your readers are far more intuitive than you realize, and they will pick up that this man is unknown to Zephyr without you stating it.

0 9 / 1 0

i. PLOT

I find myself pretty invested in this plot! I had worries that having Zephyr escape from his friends so early on might cause a problem with my sympathy for him having lost his friends and understanding his need to go back to them, but since you made Raheem and Miles so adorable and made sure we loved all these friends and understood their connections, I don't find it to be a problem at all. I'm interested to know how this Sigma place is going to react to finding Zephyr has escaped and also who this mysterious Will is. Unique, original—a great plot!

ii. TONE

I love your tone! Since we're in Zephyr's perspective, I love his snarky little remarks. However, I do think you could play into it slightly more—have his sarcastic comments and irritated nature come out a little bit more—for originality, and because I think it's a very strong aspect of your narration.

1 0 / 1 0

This is a lovely, tightly-written story with absolutely great characters. I'd be very interested to know where it goes, what the truth of Sigma is, and what Will's intentions are. The story comes out very smooth, very advanced, with just a few areas to speed up pacing/descriptions and maybe some other tiny changes. Great story!

5 3 / 6 0