Title: The Eye

Author: CursedHobbit

Genre: Paranormal/Fantasy

Chapters Read: 1-3

Title & Cover

It's a simple title, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I always find eyes to be intriguing - they're said to be the window of the soul, so they tend to have a fair bit of meaning behind them. Vague titles like this also add mystery, so that's great!

I'm a fan of your cover, too. The fancy text looks really attractive and blends in with the style of the cover perfectly. We have a witch on there, so an obvious link to what the book is about, and I also love the little gold symbol on the hat, matching the title's shade. It has a very magical feel to it, and I think it fits your book really well, as well as just generally being pretty.

Summary

I like the first part of your summary. That's the part that actually sets up the story. The second part - with the extract - I feel is unnecessary and doesn't really pull me into the story any more than the first bit did. I'm not sure what's going on in the extract you've chosen since it has no context, and it doesn't really seem to link up with the actual summary in any way, nor give any information as to what the book is about. So I'd suggest removing that part and just developing the first part instead.

And it does need a little development. While you introduce our main character, and the basics of the plot, it feels very vague. My main issue is that there is almost no stakes - you mention they'll be faced with 'love, loss and betrayal' but you don't really say why. What's so important about protecting this Eye of Truth? What does that mean? Are there any villains? You need to at least hint at some bad stuff that might happen here. Otherwise there's no tension and it falls a little flat.

Add some danger. Mention some troubles Minnie has (the special bloodline thing perhaps? That seems important). Show the reader that there'll be some excitement going on in this book. Maybe even mention the fact that her two best friends aren't witches, since I assumed they were from the summary - showing that fae and merfolk also exist in your world will entice fantasy readers who like that into your book.

Basically, your summary just needs much more detail. You need to convince people that yours is the book that they want to read, and your world is the one they want to journey through. Knowing that a main character is going to discover lots of secrets isn't particularly intriguing to me, neither is the fact that her and two random friends are going to go to a college and be the keepers of something that I don't know is important or special or what it even is, or the fact that it all seems pointless because there's no danger or reason why.

Ok, that sounded a little rant-like, but you get what I mean. More details please. You've already got them to click on it with that cover - now get them to read it!

Hook

Let's just start off honest - I don't like it. It's not hooking.

You begin with pretty much an entire chapter - and a chapter of reasonable length - of the main character just telling us things. First she tells us about senior year, and then her parents, and then a bit about witches and what her parents think about that, and bloodlines, and where they live, and her best friends, and who they are, and their parents, and the college they want to go to but she can't afford to go there... It just feels like one massive info-dump. And that is probably the absolute worst way to start a story.

I mean, I do like your narrative style. It is actually interesting to read, and for the first few paragraphs, I didn't mind it as much. But then it quickly got very boring. Even when you're telling us about interesting and fun things, like how Raven's dad is a god, and fae and merfolk, it still feels so dull because of how it's laid out, and how much there is. I think the only bit of action we get in the entire first chapter is Minnie checking her phone, walking downstairs, having a brief conversation with her dad and then getting on a bus. Still not particularly interesting for me.

You have some really great ideas, and have clearly spent a lot of time planning this story, but we don't need to know it straight away. By doing this, you quickly overwhelm readers and make them click away because nothing is actually happening. Start with action! Put us in the middle of a scene! Let us see how our character acts and reacts and what her friends and family are like around her through action and dialogue, not through endless paragraphs of telling.

This is your hook! The first entry for a reader to your book! Make them immediately intrigued. Make them want to know more. Make them want to keep reading so they can get the answers to their questions and find out more about characters you make them love right away. Because I feel like you do have the potential to do that. When you do introduce dialogue and action, it is done quite well - but we need more. Lots more.

This doesn't just apply to your hook, either. You continue with this sort of style into the second chapter as well - not as much, but still enough for it to stay quite info-dump-y. I do also want to talk about where you start the story, but we'll get into that in the Plot section. And I'll do the Writing Style next instead of Characters, so that I can go further into how to improve your style.

Writing Style

I'm just going to begin with some positives before I get into the issues, because it isn't all negative. As this type of telly style goes, yours is probably the best I've seen, to the point where it was quite enjoyable to read at points. You know so many details about your characters and your world, which is really good to see - it shows you have a very developed story. In those brief moments of action you do have, you describe things well.

However, the main character seemingly talking directly to the reader and giving us loads of details about their life is quite off-putting, at least to me. There's also a lot of irrelevant information, I think. Interesting, but not necessary. For example, in chapter three, Minnie starts telling us about procreation and soulmates, which feels really out of place. She comments on her friends being attractive, and then suddenly we're being told how fae reproduce. It did confuse me xD

My advice is to cut down on the amount of information you tell us about. We can learn things as they become relevant to the story. Focus on what, realistically, Minnie would be thinking about at exact points in time - things that me as a reader would need to know in order to better understand the story - and nothing else. As for details about character, such as the fact that Minnie's mother is strict and her father is nice, or that Raven has a crush on Zephyr, you can show us this through action scenes and dialogue! Have a scene where the mother is being strict, or even some passing dialogue as Minnie is getting ready to leave. Small things can tell us a lot about your character without having to give us a huge paragraph about one detail.

Which brings us onto another issue - paragraphs. I don't think you know how to use them correctly. They're almost consistently overly long, which is especially overwhelming on Wattpad since so many read on smaller phone screens. Make sure that whenever there is a shift in subject, or place, or thoughts, or even if you want to emphasise a specific point, you make a new paragraph. Also, when a new person speaks, that should be a new paragraph as well. Varied paragraph lengths, especially when you use shorter ones for effect, are much easier to read, as well as adding tension at certain points and making the book flow much better. They're such a simple way of adding extra flare to your story. Plus, unfortunately, I find myself instantly put off when I see so many long paragraphs in a book on Wattpad.

On the other hand, the rest of your grammar was pretty much perfect! Just work on your paragraphing, and it will greatly improve your writing.

Also, an extra quick point: numbers in novels tend to be written as words. For me, they sort of break up the flow when in number form.

Just to point out, though - you can use these world-building paragraphs occasionally, to describe things. But only occasionally, and only when it fits with what is happening in the scene at that exact point. In first person, we're following the character through the story, so everything we read should be things they would be thinking. It is harder to build a world in first person, but it's possible. It just needs to involve a lot more showing, and blend in with the story much better.

Characters

Unfortunately, due to the amount of telling, I didn't actually get to see much of your characters in action. But from what I did see, they seem good.

Minnie feels fairly relatable, despite being a witch - she's normal, she worries about not being able to afford things, and she often feels inadequate. Hopefully we'll get to see her grow in self confidence as the story goes on. Her friends are almost like polar opposites to her - princesses (that is very awesome and I really want to meet their parents at some point), and confident, but they seem nice and very supportive, so that's good.

I feel like there does need to be something to distinguish Eva and Raven - they both seem like very similar characters so far, but again I haven't seen much of them so it's hard to tell. Remember that small actions and the way they speak can convey character very well. Also, I'd like to see if these two have any flaws or conflicts. I don't want them to just be overly perfect all the time xD

Plot

To be honest, I can't really comment on this a great deal, since not much has actually happened yet. But it does seem interesting, and I'm intrigued as to how Minnie's special Good bloodline will play into this. There must be some destiny-type thing there.

Personally, I just want to get to Arcane already. That seems to be where all the excitement will be. So far, the only interesting thing that's happened is Minnie's mysterious donor, but otherwise it's just them finishing senior year and being excited. I want to share their excitement... but instead I'm just wanting to skip through this and get to the magical stuff.

Even with your over-explaining aside, the events of the first few chapters are quite dull. We're told that witches and fae and merfolk exist, but we don't actually get to see the main characters being anything but normal teenagers finishing off high school. It reads like a teen fiction story, except supernaturals happen to exist.

I'd suggest skipping at least some of your end-of-senior-year things. I know that it is important for us to get to know the characters and the world beforehand (though I've already mentioned how that could be done better), and it is quite interesting to see how magical people blend in with the real world, but at the same time I'm here for a fantasy story. So show us the fantasy! Maybe your first chapter could start with Minnie training with her mother, so we get to see that mother's strict and she keeps going on about special bloodlines and Minnie doesn't care, as well as seeing some witch mind magic (and how good/not good Minnie is at it), before her father comes in and is nice to her, and then she goes off to her final day of school. Then we've already introduced our main character's home life, some of her issues, and we've got that interesting fantasy element to hook readers in. Plus mention Arcane at some point so you can slip in how expensive it is - maybe Minnie says she wants to go there and her mother doesn't want to.

After that, you could then have a time skip (or a smooth transition) and she's at school gossiping with her friends - with lots of character-building dialogue. It's here you can introduce Eva and Raven, and give us a few details about them, some of that shown with what they're gossiping about. Then boom, mysterious donor, all the fun. End of first chapter.

Of course, it's your story. You shouldn't let me tell you how to write it. But do you see what I mean? You have the components for an amazing story - just slotting them in the right way can make so much difference and be more enjoyable to read.

We don't even have to see all the details of graduation. For me, the most interesting part is when you introduce Grandmother Good. I didn't even care much for Eva's speech - it was great, and very inspirational, but not very interesting. So perhaps cut some of that scene? I did really like the conflict when Minnie told her mother about going to Arcane - it showed their relationship really well. And the grandmother seems like a very interesting character. In fact, I think that scene in the restaurant was my favourite of everything I read.

Overall Thoughts

You really do have a great story here. Please don't think I'm telling you that it's bad, because it really isn't. It feels very creative, and I'm sure there's lots of excitement up ahead.

Basically, my thoughts are that you've thought of a wonderful story, and have spent so much time thinking of all these details, but you're just struggling to convey it all. You want us to know all about the world, and I get that - I have trouble with how much information to put in without making it feel like a dump. Just remember that we have a whole book ahead of us. You can save lots of these interesting details for later on. Don't play all your cards in one go!

Keep writing! The more you write, the more you'll improve. Besides, it's only a first draft - there's plenty of time for you to polish it up later. It feels like a story - and a world - I could really get invested in. :D