The Devil's Heir written by xxsoteria

i. COVER & TITLE

I'm unsure if you'll get any valuable feedback about your cover here, as I am obsessed with every cover you've ever made. Sometimes I still go back and look at the standalone one you made my book for the sole purpose of admiring it. I like your fonts, your cleanliness, and the way you adhere to the genre and plot of your book. Your cover is artistic and it tells a story. That being said, it is dark, and it is slightly hard to see what's back there behind the title--but I get the sense that fits the vibe of the story. In addition, I love the subtitle, but the font made it a bit hard for me to read the word 'inherit'. To fix this, it would probably be best to capitalize all the words in the subtitle (this is usually the way things are done anyway) which might make that -in easier to read.

I'm a fan of your title too. It's ominous and provides us with a sense of what the story will be about and the dark nature it's probably written in. 

ii. BLURB

Your blurb is very developed and very intricate. I like the way you start and the way you end. However, I think you could start with a stronger hook simply by reorganizing and placing the 'a new generation is about to begin' line at the beginning instead. I'd recommend just putting it as a standalone and then continuing on with the blurb the way it's written, which will grab attention better than what you currently have. I love how you end the blurb with a connection to the title as well!

1 4 / 1 5

i. PUNCTUATION

#1: THE DASH

You use an en dash in place of an em dash. Here's the quick rundown on which dashes should be used when. (As always, this isn't a big thing in terms of flow, but using the correct dash is a good way to convey to readers right off the bat that you know what you're doing.)

The hyphen (-) is for hyphenated words only, such as long-term or father-in-law. The hyphen is just one press of the dash button.

The en dash (–) is the slightly larger dash that you're currently using. It is used only as formatting in chapter titles or things like that. It is not used in creative writing unless you're writing something science-based in dialogue. It is typed by typing a word, a space, a hyphen, then another space, then the next word. Programs like Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you. Examples: The distillation went from 80 – 90 degrees.

The em dash (—) is the big kahuna of dashes and the one you should be using where you use the en dash. It is used to indicate interruption of dialogue, interruption of thoughts, or to add or clarify something in creative writing. It is typed by typing a word, NO SPACE, TWO hyphens, then NO SPACE, then the next word. Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you. Be careful--Wattpad won't, hence why my dashes on here look like they do.

#2: THE COMMA

I've only found a few comma mistakes in your writing, and the big one is the lack of commas before a conjunction. Conjunctions are words such as 'and', 'but', 'as' that link clauses. The easy rule is that if both clauses are independent, the comma before the conjunction is used. If one clause is dependent on the other, then no comma. Example:

'I wish I could, but I never was able to.' --comma before the conjunction to link independent clauses.

'I wish I could but was never able to.' --NO comma before the conjunction, as the second clause lacks a subject and therefore is dependent.

I'd like to point out something here. This rule is the one that you are MOST likely to break in the name of creativity. Take this line from your book:

'He wants to put an end to it but no one can stop a divine punishment.'

So above, you have two independent clauses with both a subject and a verb, but you don't use the comma before the conjunction 'but' as the rules state you need to. In the case above, I would argue that this sentence would read out better if it were actually slower--and therefore more dramatic--so I would say put the comma there. However, in this example:

'The best option is to leave but the young lord cannot do so.'

Again, two independent clauses linked by a conjunction, which should call for a comma. However, I think this sentence reads out much better without the comma, as this is an urgent sentence and the creativity supports the decision to take it out.

So with those two examples in mind, I would just recommend making sure every time you break this rule, it is for good reason and you're aware of it.

In other comma issues, just make sure you're separating nonessential clauses like this one below:

'The Overlord who is famous for his diligence in work has not left his son for a full month.'

Above, the clause 'who is famous for his diligence in work' is nonessential to the sentence--that is, the sentence will still make sense without it, as shown here:

'The Overload has not left his son for a full month.'

When you have a nonessential clause sandwiched between clauses like this, there needs to be commas on either side. Here's the correction:

'The Overlord, who is famous for his diligence in work, has not left his son for a full month.'

1 2 / 1 5

i. PACING

I really like your first story chapter and how it introduces your epic story plot. However, I'm not a huge fan of the 'history' chapter. This is probably just a personal preference, but I don't really love seeing history written out in a list rather than introduced slowly in the story, which is quite obviously much harder to do. If people seem to react well to your history chapter and you like it, then ignore that. But it is worth mentioning that very little of that info-heavy chapter will actually be retained by a regular reader.

As for the rest of your pacing, I find some of it a little too fast. I think this comes down to the chapter where the Overlord doubts his son will make it but he does. The problem here, I believe, is that the danger is presented and then overcome within just a few words. An easy way to slow down pacing--simply add more about the suffering to really make the danger seem real before you go on to resolution.

ii. WORD CHOICE

I have no problem with the beautiful vocabulary you use. However, there is one thing that almost all writers have a problem with, and I noticed you do as well: the overuse of filler words such as 'as, of, to, the'. When too many of these are placed in one sentence, it creates an awkward sentence that doesn't really sound good. Take this:

'Her tone becomes icy as the lands of the Ring of Ignavia.'

Truthfully, this sentence would make more sense with an extra 'as' before 'icy' to complete the simile (and I might guess that was the original, but you took it out because it sounded too choppy. Unfortunately, even without that second 'as', this sentence reads out messy because 'lands' is the only word separating four filler words, plus the one second to last. The only way to fix stuff like this is to reorder. Here's how I would do it:

'Her tone begins to resemble the icy lands in the Ring of Ingnavia.'

So here not only have I taken a few of the fillers out, but I've also rearranged so the fillers that remained are more separated. This creates for a cleaner sentence. I noticed this filler world problem a bit in your chapters, so I'd recommend combing through to find any other aspects like this you could fix.

0 8 / 1 0

CHARACTERS & SCENES

You'll notice that I've merged these two sections because I just could not think of anything here to improve. Your descriptions of both your characters and your scenes are original, avoid info-dumping and create vivid personalities as well as emotional scenes. You excel with evoking emotion in your writing, and I don't have much to help you with. The only thing I can think of is to include one, stand-out kind of description to each character to help readers place and remember them--for example, they'll go: oh, right, this is the guy with the big ears, or something to that effect. It just helps us keep track of everyone since you don't have a character's head that we live through to remind us.

It's also worth mentioning that one or two times, I felt a little overwhelmed with your beautiful descriptions. It's a hard thing to perfect, but try to slim descriptions to only what is important and therefore don't sap the intriguing stuff. Sometimes, taking out a large word or complex structure can make a description seem more manageable to a reader.

0 9 / 1 0

i. PLOT

Your plot is very unique, but it's also very dark and very high fantasy. That means you've narrowed your audience quite a bit, but those who read your book will get exactly what they want: something heavy and intriguing. I do recommend you be extra careful with your use of new words and terminologies, and remember to introduce each new concept to the readers in a way that is a smooth as it is informative. I did find myself occasionally confused and having to reread parts to fully understand who was who and where each event was taking place. I can only recommend more and more editing and revising until you find the best way to explain things without info-dumping. (This will be much harder to do if you take out your history chapter, but I think it's worth it.)

ii. TONE

You've asked for focus on your omniscient POV. Truth be told, I don't have a lot of experience writing omniscient, but I have read a surprising amount of books written that way. The problem with omniscient is that it can be very jarring when switching perspectives, but I don't see that at all in your writing. I see every new thought being elegantly connected to the next. Omniscient--although most definitely the most difficult form of narration--has the ability to provide a type of originality that no other narration will. Something to keep in mind when you continue through the plot of your story: remember to use that to your advantage. Omniscient works well with mysteries--with giving the readers clues and then bringing it all together to a dramatic finish. I think you've picked a very difficult narration, and I see you executing it with ease. 

Another thing I'd like to bring up here is the talent you have for making each story unique. I've read the entirety of The Princess Thief, and the narration and storytelling in The Devil's Heir seemed to have massively improved from what was already pretty great. You also seem to be just really good at making an original story.

0 9 / 1 0

I really enjoyed reading this story! Commas and the dash are your only logistical errors, and then there are a few ways for you to clean up the flow of your story or make it just a tad easier to follow. Other than those things, I absolutely adore your descriptions, your plot, and your incredibly unique narrative--and I think many other readers will. Since you got over fifty points, I'll add this story to my reading list!

5 2 / 6 0