Title: Crystal House

Genre: Fantasy

Author: feechi17

Cover: 7/10

Right off the bat, I love your cover. The wispy magical elements definitely convey that this is a fantasy novel, but it could still use some work. The cover-image resolution on Wattpad isn't great in the first place, but it just seems like everything but the title on yours is super blurry. I'd recommend finding the original, less-blurry version of this image—or another one entirely with less geographical features for Wattpad's resolution to ruin. My second issue is with the way your castle or "house" in the image is crooked halfway up. It definitely looks to be edited that way, but it just kind of adds to the blurry confusion. The green wisp is good, and I love the little lights that really show off your fantasy themes.  Also keep in mind that your text should stand out against the cover, so if it's the same color or looks flat against the background, it won't be very easy to read. Your cover is nice enough to bring some readers, but the overall quality just isn't there.

Blurb: 8/10

This is a really great blurb already, so I don't have much to say other than that some information could be omitted just because it doesn't seem necessary. You want your blurb to be short and snappy, so definitely limit it to the most important facts, but also leave the readers with some questions. For example, the very first part in your blurb, I get that it's a connection to the magical elements in this book, but I don't feel like it's necessary to put in the blurb. This information would be better in a prologue or something like that, so you can immediately jump into explaining your story with your blurb.

Here's some edits I made to your blurb, rewording a couple things, adding missing punctuation, and excluding information that doesn't seem necessary:

P1 - The Crystal House has opened its doors to twelve adults from all over the world. Each stands a chance to win $100,000 after twenty days. The task seems simple: come out victorious after six games and be the last man or woman standing.

(By shortening sentences and keeping commas to a minimum, you get a more dramatic entrance to your blurb.)

P2 - But there's more to the House than any of them know. Their progress in the games is connected to an otherworldly past they all share, and the last six remaining will discover a hidden land that lies asleep, waiting for their return. 

(In this one, I love the capitalization of House, it really illustrates that there's something going on here. I also replaced "country" with "land" just because it sounded better. If "country" is more accurate, feel free to ignore that.)

P3 -  In another world where magic is the norm, secrets are unearthed, family bonds are shattered, and these individuals must test the limits of who they really are.

P4 -  (I feel like this paragraph is unnecessary, but could also serve as a nice little introduction before you launch into your full blurb, so right where you have that first part now. I like to include this because it offers a nice little preview to readers scrolling on Wattpad.)

 Chapter by Chapter: 7.5/10

Chapter 1: Invitation Letter

I like how you started the chapter off with the letter, but I feel like this letter is very much lacking. If we're setting the stage for a super-fantasy game ahead, you'd think the letter would be slightly more enticing…? Also, I know some comments have already pointed out the incorrect address format, and though it seems like no big deal, fixing this little detail makes your story much more accurate. And to illustrate how it's on an entirely different continent, you could have her sigh and mutter under her about it. Just something like that. Also, since this letter is a section in itself, the quotation marks are really unnecessary.

Now, getting into the story, I don't really like this format. It's kind of multiple perspective, but not because it's written in third person. Since it seems like the focus switches between characters for several chapters into the future, I would definitely separate these perspectives into their own chapters, that way we're not overloaded by all of these different characters in the very first chapter.

That being said, I did enjoy these different perspectives, and how each experience is different for every character. If you decide to keep this format, be sure to keep to make sure this stays true. No one really wants to read the same thing over, especially if it's just the same event with slightly different views. Keep your readers interested with information about each character's background and unique personality, which is done really well in the first chapter.

During Mareike's perspective, I like the minimal information that's presented really naturally, and kind of leaves us with some mystery. She seems to have quit the personality, perhaps the rich girl who is fed up with the high expectations of her family. I look forward to reading more about her, and also seeing some real development apart from the aforementioned cliche personality. Also, remember that when you end dialogue with a speech tag (she said, whispered, yelled, etc.) that you end the words within the quotation marks with a comma.

Example:

Original: "Maybe I should let mom handle this one." Mareike muttered, trying to…

Fixed: "Maybe I should let Mom handle this one," Mareike muttered.

The next section from Eryk's point of view was great as well. And the different circumstances and the humor offers a great peek into his life. You also have a similar grammar issue with the dialogue that starts this paragraph.

Original: "Here, you might need it." A middle aged man said…

Fixed: "Here, you look like you need this," a middle-aged man said…

Also, changing your choice of words to something a little more revealing helps readers imagine a desperate-looking father as you dive further into his description.

On Ace's paragraph, I feel like this one is a bit lacking. I don't really get why it's such a surprise that someone knew his full name. Considering this came in the mail, any number of people could know his name, so the reasoning he has of not telling anyone doesn't  make much sense. I think it would actually benefit the story if you just removed that paragraph entirely. And then afterwards, when his roommate is making fun of his name, I don't really get how his snappy remark has any effect on him since it doesn't make much sense. Despite these things, this perspective offers quit a bit of mystery and definitely makes me want to find out more.

Some mistakes I fixed:

"Hey, man, I just found this letter addressed to you," Ace's roommate addressed him...

Hey, dude, is that your name?" his roommate asked…

I found Chiara's section to be really great, and it offered plenty of curiosity as we get into the sad pasts of these individuals. There's some obvious hints to some kind of bad car accident that happened in the past, and perhaps you can hint to this a little more. You can maybe have Chiara's father focus on the seat belt a little longer, or have Chiara mention something about his excuse to not let her drive being linked to his fears. Another great perspective.

Some mistakes I fixed:

"Hand me the car keys, Light Bulb."

"Dad, you know I'm supposed to drive today," she complained.

I really enjoyed Femi's paragraph as well, and the imagery you used was amazing. But there were some small grammar issues, as well as some with the dialogue.

Priya's perspective was perhaps the funniest, and I absolutely loved the names of all your characters.

Despite my preference about the separated perspectives, I think that all of these came together really well to offer a nice look into the beginning of your story.

Chapter 2: Settling In

The imagery you start this chapter with is amazing, and makes for a really interesting description of the place they've all arrived at. A few of the details don't make much sense, like Mareike's mother being able to lock people away? I don't think that's legal… I also liked her interactions with the other characters, but I do wish there was more information to tie these descriptions to more the characters we've already read about.

And why is Eryk so set on finding a chair? But I do like the little details, such as him being Norwegian. The transitions between the perspectives also seem a little off, since not all of them start with something specific to that character. Chiara's starts with the group walking into another room, and this is a bit confusing as well. I'd recommend rewriting this part to make it clear that the two groups are meeting each other for the first time. I also think the random guy's joke could've been executed better, even if it wasn't meant to be funny. It's also lacking very much info specific to Chiara's perspective, so it really needs to include more of her own thoughts and actions as well.

There are a few inconsistencies in Femi's perspective as well that were brought out in previous comments. It also would've been nice if the girl with the light-bulb fashion had been Chiara, considering that was her nickname, and it just seems so random that it's a girl named Lola instead. As with many of your previous jokes and insults, I didn't really get how Lola's was that offensive to the girl with acne. Actually, it just seemed more prejudiced to ethnicity than an insult to her physical imperfections. And when you later refer to Lola as the horribly dressed girl, I couldn't tell which you were talking about. I do like the introduction to the conflict between them though, because there will certainly be more in the future. Femi seems like such a just-minded character already, and I can see how his intolerance to bullying ties into the last chapter.

I like Priya's section, and how through the actions of others, we know that she's most likely the prettiest one there. I do hope as well that the other characters can keep to themselves, and would've loved to see her slap the guy.

Ace's section is also a little lacking on the information offered specific to him, and I'm not sure why he was confused about the contract if it was just basic agreements. I'm sure some of the players will probably be kicked out, especially if fighting isn't allowed. Mr. Han is certainly a mysterious character, and I wish a little more had been revealed about the House and the games in this chapter, but I guess it leaves readers with enough questions to continue.

Story Development: 8/10

My biggest issue with the story is the way all of the characters perspectives are present in each chapter. It's honestly just too many perspectives to begin with, and having all of them in each chapter is difficult to keep up with. I found myself constantly going back to the first chapter to remember which character was which. If you keep it the way it is, I'd work on making each character have longer sections, and more memorable information that ties together each chapter so that readers don't feel so lost. The pace is pretty quick, considering it goes from getting the letter to arriving at the house, but for this story it works well. I didn't really see any problem with the title, and overall this book has a really interesting concept, perhaps a little cliche, but I see it working really well in your story.

Final Notes: 8/10

I loved reading what I did of your story! You have a unique way of writing, and having multiple perspectives in a story can be a blessing and a curse. It just needs a little work on both the story and grammar, but this is a really nice start to a great story!

Thanks for choosing me as your reviewer, and I very much appreciate the patience. I look forward to reading more, and let ,etc know if you have any questions!

—Cyprus