Title: Sunless

Author: jaszthewayyoulikeit

Genre: Fantasy/Romance

Chapters Read: 1-3

Title & Cover

The title is cool! To me, it gives sort of mysterious fantasy-type vibes, which I suppose kind of works? Then again, from reading your summary and seeing what you mean by it... I'm not sure. But it's a cool-sounding title, and it seems to work, so yeah.

I really like the text effect on your cover - the fading yellow. It gives the impression of disappearing sunlight, which mirrors the title. However, the rest of the cover is really dark, mostly just black, with only a bit of face lit up. Though that dark does fit with your title, and it's very cleanly done, so I don't really have any major complaints xD

Summary

Your summary is well written, and it does have a good ring to it, with the sun metaphor and title drop. It flows. But... other than that I'm not really a fan.

For one, you don't even mention Yzavel's name, who seems to be the main character. You really need to fix that. You make out like Storm is the main character but then the first few chapters at least are in Yzavel's PoV. There's also no mention of any setting - it's easy enough to add in, but I find that people tend to like having some sort of setting mentioned in the summary. The only stakes we get is that basically he needs to love this nameless girl or... he'll be depressed?

I think the main issue is that this summary doesn't give enough detail. All I got from it was that Storm really loves a girl, and nothing else. I recommend giving some more background - any reasons they can't be together, how this girl (Yzavel) feels about it (in fact, the whole summary should really be about her, or at least some of it), and also other things that might be happening. Romance can't be the only thing that's happening in this book. Any other drama? Why exactly is Storm so 'sunless'?

I get that summaries are supposed to be vague to a degree. But you need to give something to hook readers in. The prospect of romance alone isn't going to do that. Show what's unique about your book! Give us a little more jeopardy! That way, you're much more likely to attract a wider audience - not just those who'll read anything with werewolves and romance.

Hook

I guess you sort of have a hook here? The MC is trying to do something, prove themselves maybe. This could be a big moment for her, and there's a little tension.

Then again... you do start with her walking with a tray. Not the most tense thing in the world. I also found this beginning really confusing - you don't actually state who's talking in the very first dialogue, there's barely any description save what Yzavel tells us in her speech, and there's also this random bolded section. I only figured out later that the bold italics were her wolf, but even then I'm not entirely sure how that works. I'm not the most knowledgeable on these sorts of werewolf books. But from how it appeared I guessed that this wolf was talking in her head, kind of like a second spirit or something?

Anyway, it's confusing. I also had to read the bit where she slips over a few times to figure out what happened there, it all happens so fast. I think you need to slow down your beginning and add just a tad more description - where is she? Why exactly is she moving this tray? What does it mean to her? You could also describe her difficulty not to lose her balance in more clarity, and her emotion, to increase tension in some way.

As hooks go, it's not the worst moment to start on - at least you start in the middle of something happening. And from reading more, there isn't really anything more action-packed to start with. So just make this beginning a bit clearer, and you'll have an alright hook.

Characters

I do quite like Yzavel as a character, from what I've seen of her. She seems happy to stand up for herself, but not overly tough - just like a normal girl, I guess, which immediately makes her more relatable. There's an ongoing theme of her being rather clumsy, which again gives her an element of realism. She's not developed a great deal in the first few chapters I read, but enough that you sort of get a feel for her character.

I don't feel like I've seen any other characters enough to get to know them. Storm I've barely met but he just feels scary xD All I know of Drew and Barrymore, the two right at the beginning, is that they're brothers and they argue a lot. I'm not even entirely sure if they're of any relation to Yzavel. I feel like you need to spend a little longer on them so we actually get to know who they are, because otherwise they feel like passing minor characters. And even if they are, they could do with a little more development.

The four brothers all just feel like the same person, I guess? They all like to joke around, all are super-protective of Yzavel (to the point where I wanted them to just back off and let her do her own thing xD), and I can't find any way to distinguish them besides their names. Also they're in it for such a short time, with mostly joking dialogue, so there's not a great deal of characterisation there.

But all these characters I'm sure appear in it more often as the story goes on, so I'm not too worried about it. I think the main issue with not getting to know your characters is to do with the pacing, which I'll talk about in the Plot section.

Writing Style

I'm just going to go straight in here with my main problem: there's not enough description.

Sure, there is such a thing as minimalistic writing. I actually quite like that style - giving us just enough to picture the scene without knowing every detail. But I don't think you give us enough.

It is okay to dedicate a paragraph, or even two, to describing someone's surroundings. Remember that the reader doesn't know the story nearly as well as you do. You need to paint a picture for them using only words. And only words - I noticed a couple of times that you used pictures, like with the dress, instead of written description. Personally, I find that a lazy way of conveying imagery, and it breaks up the flow. Ordinary published books don't use pictures instead of writing, so I don't see why Wattpad authors should either. Also, writing your own descriptions allows you to be unique and creative, rather than being limited by a picture.

Even just a sentence of setting description can make all the difference. Bring us into your world! Let us experience it properly!

Also, the majority of your story so far has revolved around dialogue. Now, while dialogue is a key part of writing, you can have moments when no-one says anything, and your character just observes the people or setting around her (like when Yzavel went outside and gazed up at the moon - I liked that!), or moments of just action. It's incredibly difficult to convey everything about a story through dialogue, and trying to give us all the exposition that way can make things confusing, which unfortunately was the case with your story.

It took me a while to figure out important things, like the fact that Yzavel is the Alpha's daughter, and Drew and Barrymore aren't her brothers (from the way they talked to each other I assumed they were - but I guess they're just friends?), and the fact that the bolded text was her wolf talking. Now, I know that it is better to slip these things in smoothly, but sometimes it is necessary just to have a paragraph out with a bit of world-building. As long as it fits well into the flow of the story, I don't mind things like that. We need to have this information or we won't properly understand the story until we're a way in - and when I don't understand what's going on in a book, I tend to just give up with it.

You have all the ideas, I'm sure. You know everything about your world and your characters. Make sure you tell us, because we want to know! :D

In terms of grammar, it was mostly good, so good job with that. I think the only recurring error was to do with dialogue tags. Remember - you use commas when dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag, and a full stop when it's an action tag. Don't worry, it's a super common grammar mistake - I think I've said it more than half of the reviews I've done so far. If you're still confused, I'll point you towards the Dreamland Guide Book, which has a section both on dialogue and action tags. That explains it better than I ever could.

Just one more quick thing before I move on to plot:

My eyes widen at the future of the vase when a hand caught it and another the tray of pie that I never noticed slipped off of my hands.

Basically, this sentence doesn't really make sense. It needs rewording. Plus there's a tense slip - you do that a few times, but it's nothing a quick edit won't fix - and there should probably be a comma, since the sentence is quite long. Plus, 'future of the vase' made me think she was some sort of seer at first, so I wouldn't use that exact word, though I think I get what you mean now.

The rest of your writing did make sense and flowed alright, there just needed to be more description, so we can delve deeper into your world and characters.

Plot

I didn't really get to see much of this in the chapters I read, since it all just seemed to be setting up your characters. Personally, I'd like something a little more interesting during the beginning - I'm always hooked in by action, but even something as simple as her carrying the tray could be made tense and hooking if you spent a little longer on it, as I said in the Hook section.

I do think you need to slow everything down, really, and just spend a little longer describing things. There's no need to rush through your story. You also introduce a whole load of characters that we never really get to fully understand, so I just feel bombarded with all these names of people I don't know. I'd recommend introducing them more slowly and fully.

All of that said... what happens in the first few chapters wasn't particularly interesting to me? It was mainly just Yzavel talking to people and everyone being annoyingly protective of her and then boom, mate. It feels like everything is building up to that moment when she meets him and nothing else really matters.

While it's clear the romance is your main focus, I'd like to go into detail in other areas of the story, too. It will make it feel more immersive and interesting. Already, there seems to be a recurring theme of Yzavel wanting to be independent but others not letting her. You touch on it but then just brush it away. Maybe you could go into that a little further? It feels like it should be a major issue for her and something that might get under her skin a little. That would be a good way to add in a little social drama within your first few chapters before the romance kicks in xD

Also, I'd like to see you go into the werewolf lore a little more. Things like her wolf and the pack dynamics and rankings are things I'm really interested in and would like to see more of. You have an amusing exchange between Yzavel and her wolf (Bella?) near the start, but mostly the wolf just seems to be there to add snarky comments, so I'd like you to show what exactly the wolf is for beside that, because it must serve some purpose. Besides finding its mate, that is. The same goes for the pack - they have an Alpha, but are there other rankings (Beta, Delta, Omega or whatever), and what influence does this have? How does their relationship work with other packs? As I see it at the moment, besides the mate thing, all these characters may as well not be werewolves.

Expand your world! In any sort of fantasy book, even werewolf books, world-building should be a major part. The clearer a picture you paint of your world, the more immersive it will be and the more readers will care about continuing.

Overall Thoughts

I do think you have a good story here! Your characters seem great, especially Yzavel, and I really want to root for her. Your premise - though rather overdone, from my experience on Wattpad - could be fantastic, if well executed. Basically, the summary of my issues is: more. Describe things! Let us have some detail! I really want to get to know your world.

Being a wolf lover, the concept of werewolves is obviously something that attracts me. Maybe not so much the 'mate' aspect, since romance isn't really my thing, but definitely the idea of packs is something I love. I'd just really like to see you utilise that werewolf aspect, I guess? I was sort of disappointed by the lack of wolf-ness xD

There was quite a bit of negative in this review, so I apologise for that. I do feel like you're close to having a great story. Just let your world shine!