Southern Aces written by NanaSweets

I'm doing this all together for reasons relating to the fact that my brain has no organization right now. Anyway. Your cover is perfectly fine, but it doesn't make me swoon with excitement over this story. I'd recommend a graphic designer (prods over to my reading list full of them) to work with you on how you want it to look. Make it a little more dangerous. Add some smoke. Add some leather. Keep it coming. Put a little  s p i c e  into it.

You've got a pretty good hook on your blurb, but it falls into a trope-y path. To avoid the tropes, you've got to be sneaky. Trick them. Make them think that your story isn't a trope when really, it's just well disguised. That's what I do--my book is full of stupid jabs, question games, fancy balls where love interests accidentally get too close, dangerous romances of enemies--and yet I've never been called out on using a trope. Why? Because I'm sneaky, and I'm going to teach you how to be sneaky, too.

Trick number one: Misdirection. The trick is to distract. Deflect attention onto something else. First of all, change your cover to something that screams sexy, but also doesn't directly have it on the cover like yours does. Make it, I don't know--like just a neck or an arm or the back of a head or something. Less is more. Bread is meat (have you seen that movie?). Work with a designer to combat tropes on your cover. Southern Aces is a really good title, because it's unique. Put like, a deck of cards on your cover. Oh! Or put a tattoo of an ace on an arm. Anyway.

Trick number two: Own it. Own your trope, and don't try to hide it--but this is hard to do in a way that is amusing, and I wouldn't recommend doing it with your cover. But I'm going to try and do it with your blurb.

First of all, don't use last names right off the bat. They're confusing and readers skip over them. As for the rest of your blurb, it's all good, but it needs some reorganizing (I know I literally just said that I have no organization right now, but I stay stupid things sometimes). Here's my rewrite, and I'll discuss it after:

There's a perfect storm brewing.

Perhaps it's because Jesse is unbelievably alluring with his aura of leather and smoke. Perhaps it's because Ophelia refuses to accept that he's nothing more than the biker facade he puts on. There's depth there, and she knows it.

But what she doesn't know, is that Jesse left home because of everything that Ophelia is--a past he avoids at all costs. The Aces are his legacy-- a part of his blood now, and nothing will change that.

But loyalty and trust are fickle things, especially when old enemies come back for one last dance. It's true that danger is around every corner.

But so does temptation.

Yes. I like the last line. I've stuck to the bones of what you've created, but I switched it up to make it more organized and more condensed. I embraced the tropes in a way that people might actually like. Again, I didn't drastically change your blurb, but there are changes here that are worth making.

1 0 / 1 5

i. PUNCTUATION

#1: THE DASH

What's the most powerful creative writing tool on the planet? The dash. Don't format it wrong. You might say, well, Tari, why in the world would I care about formatting. And I'd say: Because the dash is a simple fix, but it tells your readers exactly how advanced you are. Wattpad stories very often have the wrong formatting of the dash, and as soon as I see a dash formatted properly, I sit up a little and go, okay, this author knows what they're doing. It's such an easy way to gain respect from your readers. 

And luckily! It's the easiest fix in the world. First, read this:

The hyphen (-) is for hyphenated words only, such as long-term or father-in-law. The hyphen is just one press of the dash button.

The en dash (–) is the slightly larger dash that you're currently using. It is used only as formatting in chapter titles or things like that. It is not used in creative writing unless you're writing something science-based in dialogue. It is typed by typing a word, a space, a hyphen, then another space, then the next word. Programs like Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you. Examples: The distillation went from 80 – 90 degrees.

The em dash (—) is the big kahuna of dashes and the one you should be using where you use the en dash. It is used to indicate interruption of dialogue, interruption of thoughts, or to add or clarify something in creative writing. It is typed by typing a word, NO SPACE, TWO hyphens, then NO SPACE, then the next word. Word or Google Docs will then elongate it for you. Be careful--Wattpad won't, hence why my dashes on here look like they do.

If you're going oh my GOD I have to fix all of those, worry not, for word has a special little tool where you can go into 'replace' and replace every single one of your hyphens with the em dash with just the click of a button.

#2: THE COMMA

The first chapter of your book really scared me, because for a second there, I really thought I'd met my match. I'm tough-talking in my review profile, being all 'I'll find all your mistakes that you didn't even know you had' and then I could not, for the life of me, find any comma mistakes in your book?? Everyone makes comma mistakes. What's wrong with you?

But then, of course, I found this one extremely huge horrible disruptive mistake where you forgot a comma before the conjunction here:

'We had become pretty fast friends and I took her ferocious energy in stride.'

Horrible. Terrible. Ruined the whole story. So yes, I'm kidding, it took like a day to find that one mistake and I passed over it numerous times before I caught it. The lack of comma mistakes in your book confuses me. In fact, you scare me a little. 

But jokes aside, this wasn't the only time you didn't use a comma before a conjunction--it was just the only time I saw it where I thought it actually disrupted the story. For example, here:

'It was a placating statement but it was true.'

Here, both those clauses are independent, and the rules state you need the comma there. But I have a suspicion that you didn't include the comma because the sentence actually works better and sounds more fun with it taken out. Totally valid in the name of creativity. But just make sure every time you break this rule, it's for good reason.

ii. DIALGOUE

Where are your dialogue mistakes? Is there not ONE time your hand had a spasm and accidentally wrote a comma instead of a period??? Again, you're scaring me. 

I'm back, and I've found one. Here, from chapter 1:

"And you are?" He asked as I sat the salt shaker back in its place.

The question mark there is confusing to dialogue tags, but the rules still apply the same with that or an exclamation mark. The 'he' is the dialogue tag, and therefore needs a lowercase. Here's how it should look if there's a question mark or if the dialogue tag starts with a noun that needs capitalization:

"And you are?" he asked.

"I like you," Jesse said.

iii. TYPO? or formatting? idk

As you can see from this very confusing heading, I wasn't sure if this was a typo or a formatting problem. In chapter 1, about halfway, when the dialogue "Willy in the back" is said, you didn't make it a brand-new paragraph, which it needs to be, because block format calls for double spaces between all new thoughts and speakers.

I'm back after reading more, and I don't think it's just a typo. You have half-spaces later on in the chapter that need double spaces. If you're writing on Wattpad, you need to press the enter twice every time. But I wouldn't recommend that. I would write in the regular 1-spaced indent on a word document, then copy it into Wattpad, and Wattpad will do the formatting for you into block formatting. In addition, you should have your story saved elsewhere anyways to make sure Wattpad never takes it from you by accident. Especially an erotic story--someone might get offended and report you, and if you have your work saved elsewhere, you'll be able to rebuild.

1 3 / 1 5

i. PACING

yeah no they know what they're doing

(So, funny story about the above comment--I was zipping through this review and wanted to get elsewhere, but I wrote this just to remind myself what to say. So that's the raw thought that went through my head when I thought of your pacing. I think it sort of makes it clear what I think of your pacing.)

ii. TRANSITIONS

You know exactly when to end a chapter and how to do it in a way that is intriguing and exciting. I'm really hoping you'll screw up something in your writing the further I get so there's some sort of explanation on why you don't have many reads. If you're this good all the way through and not getting attention, that breaks my heart.

1 0 / 1 0

i. CHARACTERS

You do have a bit of info-dumping with your character descriptions, like the first description of Jess--but it was the first time I noticed it. I would recommend going back through and seeing what parts you can take out and include later on in their conversations to trickle it in a little better. That part was a bit like a block. Let's see how we can fix this. here's your original description:

'He was tall, towering even, and beefy in the way that most men who spend their lives doing hard work are. He had dirty blonde hair that was slicked back into a small ponytail. What I could see of his arms was corded in thick muscle and covered in a myriad of tattoos. he was absolutely terrifying, but the mirth in his blue eyes as he gestured to my makeshift weapon soften the hard planes of his face and made him almost boyishly handsome.'

The problem here is that it's just too much at once, and I don't think it's all necesary (I really struggle to spell that word omg). You can take out the second part about his muscle, because you've already mentioned that in the first sentence. You should also try to avoid 'he had' in descriptions, because it's very simple and flat. Try something like 'His dirty blonde hair was slicked back into a small ponytail.' Small change, big difference.

As for Ophelia, you've made her so, so vivid, and you've given us so much info on her in a very subtle way. She is unique, loveable, and exciting.

ii. SCENES

why do i have the right to judge this part of your book when it's better than mine? the answer is that i don't.

0 9 / 1 0

i. PLOT

There were two instances where I knew you were an extremely advanced writer: one, when Ophelia used the salt shaker as a weapon (unique, fun, humourous, give us insight into who she is) and two, when you very casually slip in that her sponsor says it's good to be productive. I see you, and I see what you're doing. You're giving us information, and we barely know it. You're making a character behind the scenes, concocting a plot where we can't see you. The way you gave information on the Aces, on Maria (is that her name I forgot) and on Ophelia's past. It's brilliant.

Yes, you've got tropes. But you know how to work them (you need a bit more help with your cover and blurb, though) in your story. I hate tropes, I hate badboy stories and mafia romance, but I can't sTOP READING. I don't know if you'll keep up your mastery through the rest of the book, but I'm excited to find out. Who is Ray and why is he a touchy topic? WHAT HAPPENED??

ii. TONE

The metaphors?? The literary devices?? The internal thought and internal conflict? The unique characters? TEN POINTS

(but just remember to keep to the same tense. you write in past tense, but you have one or two times that you wrote something in present tense, like this: 'I'm almost positive' which should be 'I was almost positive')

1 0 / 1 0

I'm just really confused here. I don't understand your lack of reads. Your story is everything Wattpad readers want, it's developed, contains very minimal errors, and has underlying fun to it. I only read two chapters, but from what I can see, you're very good. The only big way to increase your book reads are by getting a fancy-schmancy cover to catch the eye. (My reading list has two artists that I especially recommend--the first book is the artist that did mine, and they're extremely talented. However, they're more fantasy-related, and not taking requests as of now. I would massively encourage you to go to the second book in that reading list, done by Natt. They excel especially well at this genre of book, and I think they're exactly what you need. And they're accepting requests!) Other than that, edit your blurb a little, fix your formatting, and don't lose hope. You're so, so talented. And with over fifty points, you get on my reading list!

5 2 / 6 0