Solitary

Caring_One

Cover - 8/10

Your cover is quite simple, but I actually really liked it. There's not really much you could change to improve it, it's just the fact that there are so many covers like it on Wattpad that it isn't going to stand out from the crowd. I think the cover could definitely benefit from something more unique that really ties it to your story, but just my opinion. I also think that the subtext and the author name could be a lot bigger—I could barely read it from the description page, but I do like the simple yet effective font that makes your title easy to read.

Blurb - 7/10

Again, I just don't feel that your blurb is unique. It starts off in a way that a lot of books on Wattpad do, and doesn't offer much draw to readers just scrolling by. I do appreciate that it's short, but maybe too much, and really doesn't offer much to the plot of the story except for characters and a couple events. What's going on for the duration of this story? Who does she live with? Does she struggle to make it through school being an introvert? Just extra little details like these add a lot more information as to what is actually going on during most of the story. As for what you do have, it's pretty good, but could be written in a more suspenseful way so that it hooks readers.

Edited:

Amelia's been abused and neglected since the day she was born, but when she's thirteen years old, it all comes to a head. Her mom commits suicide, and the girl hardens. Trapped in her solitude, what happens when she meets Link Wang, a Chinese boy cracking under his parents' expectations, much like who she used to be? What does she do when the truth of her mother's death comes crashing back into her life, wreaking havoc with every step?

Prologue - 8/10

This is definitely interesting for a prologue, but provides some nice background info as we jump into the actual story with the next chapter. But right off the bat, I can't help but wonder how this ties to the blurb. Did Amelia accidentally kill her mother, and it was somehow made off as suicide? And how does it relate to the mysterious person who knows the truth about her suicide? I guess these are just questions I'll have to read more to answer, just trying to understand how this fits into the story.

As we get into a description of the injuries she acquired from her stepdad, I think that it could be described just a little better. Currently, it sounds much too casual for child-abuse, despite how serious the injuries are. Maybe Amelia is just that used to it, but I think it could actually benefit from a little more drama.

As an example, I revised your second paragraph:

I nodded weakly, awkwardly limping into the kitchen as pain ached in my sides. A rib was probably broken, all because I'd burned the pancakes. It was a careless mistake; I'd turned my back on the stove for just a minute to wash the dishes, but my stepdad wouldn't listen. I could still hear the rage from this morning, as he stormed through the kitchen and grabbed my wrist—

I sighed, picking up my mom's favorite mug and the coffee pot. I poured it carefully, then reached for the cabinet where we kept the sugar. My hand hovered over the cinnamon.

Sorry about that, I got a little carried away, but hopefully that helped you see what I'm talking about. You still get that apathy of Amelia being used to the abuse, but also a more vivid picture.

There's a minor tense slip when she hands her mom the coffee: not seeming to care that I could barely stand.

There's also a paragraph that starts with "Sighing, I" like in a previous sentence, and you can easily revise this so it isn't as repetitive. In this paragraph you also have a transition between her grabbing a mop, and then being done mopping. I think the transition would be better if a new paragraph started after she was done mopping, or if you mentioned her actually mopping. You could also take this as an opportunity to add more description.

Revised:

I reluctantly grabbed the mop and a bucket of warm water. I felt my little energy draining as I rolled the bucket around the house, aimlessly swiping the ball of rags across the wooden floors. By the time I was done with the living room and dining room, I was panting hard and my body ached all over, but I hadn't even started on the bedrooms.

And the last thing I noticed were a couple thoughts towards the end that you forgot to italicize. It looks much better to stay consistent with the italics, and doesn't seem like these sentences are random tense changes. It's the ones that start with "I'm only 13…"

Hopefully these tips help, and I truly enjoyed this prologue and it makes me look forward to reading more.

Chapter 1 - 6/10

This was quite the chapter. It has a decent introduction, but I really don't like when stories or even chapters begin with an info dump of character traits. The fact that Vic hates her full name is a nice subtle detail hinting to her personality, so for now, that's one of the only details I would include here. You should take the next couple of chapters to reveal these things through her speech and interactions with Amy. You could even reveal a lot through this classroom assignment. I find it kind of strange that we see no other aspects of the class except for these three characters. Explain the kids around her, how their expressions reveal their distaste in Amy and her friends. You could take it a step further by explaining some interactions in the cafeteria. Just some suggestions, but I feel like they could spread out some of this mini info dump you have right here at the beginning.

I do love how we see the control-freak aspects of Vic as she hogs the project, and I laughed at this part because this is exactly what I'm like when doing school projects. When Amy approaches Vic who's busy with the project, I feel like it could be a more complex interaction than just them exchanging "heys". Vic could be so busy that she just gives an acknowledging nod and ignores Link completely until he insists that he helps with the project, despite Vic brushing him off. To make your dialogue a little more interesting, you could even have some hesitation as she says "together" to really bring out how used she is to doing it on her own.

I noticed a little error as the teacher dismissed the class:

Original: Just now, Mrs. Avery…

Fixed: Just then, Mrs. Avery…

Make sure not to make tense slips, because even little ones are disruptive to your story's flow. I don't really like jarring transitions like this anyway, so maybe you could merge Mrs. Avery dismissing class with the girls taking their phones back, avoiding this awkward transition.

Revised: As I took my phone back, Mrs. Avery dismissed class.

I loved Vic's comments about Amy and Link, and adored her astute observations. Another minor error was the dash that cut off Amy's dialogue. It should be an em-dash (—) instead, or two dashes if you can't type that on your keyboard (--). A tip if you write on mobile is to hold down the dash key until more options pop up. That may or may not be useful to you…

I find it lacking a little creativity to refer to the highschool football game or whatever it is as the "sports event". If you can think of anything, there's a suggestion, just to make it seem a little more interesting?

Another suggestion I have to make your dialogue a little better is to keep it short, and steer away from using so many dialogue tags (said, asked, etc.) You do have a few strings of dialogue that are mixed with actions rather than the repetitive said, but keep in mind that facial expressions and other social cues make great action tags to break up dialogue. Also, be sure to use contractions to keep your dialogue short and more natural sounding. I think this was just a slip up, but here's one I noticed:

Original: You are doing it over text?

Revised: You're doing it over text?

I found that Link's reply was quite blatant. For her saying in the beginning that he wasn't a jerk, him calling her "someone like you" isn't really helping his case. I also feel like the details of his parents not approving isn't necessary, and would add more character development if Amy slowly found out about his parents' high expectations. It would also better prove her point of him not wanting to hurt her feelings like later mentioned.

I really enjoyed the fact that Amy has gone right back to not participating as Vic and Link work in the project. I also liked how she's noticing that Link's mom is strict, which further strengthens my belief about my last suggestion. Amy should slowly notice these things about Link, and maybe he's kind of closed off and embarrassed by the way they act, some aspects I would've loved to see as they sit here working on the project.

I can feel the building tension as a stranger arrives at the door, so great job on that. I would've liked to see something about Link leaving the room rather than just his presence disappearing. And finally comes my biggest issue with this entire chapter. As Amy realizes than Vic's dad was her abusive stepfather, literally every piece of your blurb has been addressed. Which isn't necessarily a great thing while you're still in the first chapter. It's just way too abrupt for me, and I don't think this kind of major twist should be revealed this early. There should be subtle things leading up to it, and honestly, I think this chapter would better benefit if she just realized the name William sounded familiar, and left it at that. Then at least you'd have something to build up to in future chapters.

All that being said, I enjoyed this chapter as well. I found myself being pretty critical, but in all honesty I see a ton of potential in your writing ability. It just needs a lot of work. A perfect first chapter is the best way to start, and once you get your style down it'll be a piece of cake.

Chapter 2 - 7/10

I like the description of Amy's morning routine, and this fear coming back to her as she realizes that her stepdad might be back. I also liked the further characterization we get with Vic, maybe her being a conservative type person since she prefers not to curse? Or at least use the major words. I don't blame Amy for being conflicted when Vic actually wants to meet the man that abandoned her, but would think she'd be wiser than immediately thinking he'd changed. Maybe she just wants to meet him that bad.

Then we have Amy and Link's conversation, another scene that I feel could really use some work. Everything about these first few chapters is soooo fast paced, that we're hardly getting any time for development. Again, I would think Link would be a little more closed off about the fact that his dad is abusing him. I feel the conversation would've had more effect if it started with him asking Amy to come over and explain to his dad that they aren't doing anything together. As Amy questions him, he can reveal that he was forced to show his dad the text, and he thought too much of it. Amy gives him the same excuse that it wouldn't mean anything to his dad. Then, the next day at school, she could realize how serious the situation actually is due to Link's black eye or something of the like. This could lead to her inviting him over and escalating their relationship? Even if it's in secret so that his dad doesn't hurt him more.

I also felt like the conversation between Vic and her mom was a bit rushed and awkward, but maybe that's a good thing for the mood of this part of the story. All in all, this was another short but fast paced chapter that was enjoyable, and kept readers on their feet.

Development - 6.5/10

This isn't going to be a very long story—I can tell that just by what I read. My biggest issue with the story overall is just how fast-paced it is. We don't have time to really focus on characters or develop relationships because it seems like the events are just flying at the readers. On a more positive note, the characters we have and what we see of them is really good. I fell in love with all of them immediately, and by all I mean Link, Vic, and Amy. They're relatable, and have ties in ways they may not know yet. I look forward to seeing how they develop, even if it is a little fast for my preference.

Final Notes - 7/10

I really enjoyed what I did read of your story, and looking back at this review, I feel like I nitpicked a lot of things. Keep in mind that all of this is merely my opinion, and sometimes I struggle to point out all the things I truly did love about your story. Feel free to take my suggestions or ignore them, and ask as many questions as you like, because I'm bound to make mistakes due to lack of understanding your story.

I truly enjoyed reviewing your story, and thanks so much for choosing me as your reviewer!

—Cyprus