Title: SOL

Author: teniyakisauce

Genre: Fantasy

Chapters Read: Prologue - 3

Title & Cover

The title works just fine! It's obviously the name of the main character, but it's a unique enough name that it does work as a title. It also gives off sunny vibes, and the book does seem to contain a fair bit of sun/moon imagery so that's cool. I don't fully understand why it has to be in all capitals, though that could just be a style choice since it's a short name. In any case, it's not the most inventive title in the world, but I like it anyway xD

I really love the cover. The parchment-y texture, the fancy swirls, the beautiful crown and sword, the font... it's just a very pretty cover, and very smoothly done. *applauds your designer* I also think it really fits the overall vibe of your world. So no issues there :D

Summary

I'm struggling to find much wrong with your summary xD The quote at the start isn't technically necessary -- the rest would stand on its own just fine -- but I actually think it complements the rest of the summary quite well. It sort of encompasses what you then elaborate on, if that makes sense.

You introduce our main event, that being the Masquerade. You introduce Sol, and I do like how smoothly you do that in just one sentence that sums up her situation without giving much away. Especially the emphasis on 'human' which infers the existence of fantasy beings within the story even though you don't necessarily state it, as well as showing that being human isn't exactly looked upon as good. You raise a whole bunch of questions that won't be answered without reading, which is definitely something a good summary should do.

I also like the second paragraph. You slide in the presence of magic and the possibility of romance really well. And then you throw that stand alone sentence in our faces to make clear what's at stake here -- Sol's life. Then a question, which is always good to end a summary with because people be people and don't want to say no xD

Like the book quote at the start, the quote at the end isn't necessary, but again I think it adds something by being all vague and cool-sounding, as well as hinting at our sun imagery again. And stars. People can't not like stars.

So yes, I'm just going to give your summary a big tick and move on. Oh, though I also will say that I love how short it is yet still gets across the necessary information, because that's hard to do. Basically, you need to teach me how to write a summary, not the other way round xD

Hook

You have lots of components to make a good hook, but it still doesn't feel quite right. But I'll start with the prologue, since that acts as your initial hook.

I do like your prologue as a hook! It's short, but contains enough to draw in readers. It also gives a nice little insight into Sol (because I assume she is the little girl xD) and gives her more of that sun symbolism. There are a couple things that could make it an even better opening, however. Let's look at the very first sentence:

"Am I the Sun?" the little honey-skinned girl asked eyes wide, as a beautiful, older woman finished The Moon's Monologue.

For the very start of a book, it's a little too heavy on the information. I'd suggest taking out the opening dialogue as a one-line paragraph, as that would make a very intriguing first line, and then beneath expanding on it with a little description of the girl (her honey skin, etc.). After that you can go on to describe the settling and the woman reading the text. Just perhaps add in some more imagery between the dialogue to properly set the scene, since the prologue is so short. You have time to move through it slowly. But that is me nitpicking -- it is a nice opening.

However, the prologue does make reference to The Moon's Monologue, which is then shown in the following part divider. I do need to say that it is really beautiful and cleverly written, so be proud of it -- I read it over twice before I could move on xD And partly because of that, I think that it should come before the prologue, to provide some context and also act as the initial hook. If I open the first page of a book and read that, you've got me xD

You could maybe give The Moon's Monologue its own part, or move the prologue to be inside the part. I did notice that there is a second prologue at the start of the second part, so the latter might make sense? Of course, you can keep it as it is -- they're both a lovely hook -- but The Moon's Monologue is just so beautiful that I want you to give it as much justice as possible.

Characters

In the first few chapters, you do introduce a lot of characters xD But we'll start with Sol, of course.

She is quite a likeable character, which is good, and definitely someone easy to root for. It's clear she doesn't think much of herself, due to the repeated emphasis on her being only human and not much of a warrior, but I like that she also has this inner drive which shows she is actually really brave to be attempting this. I do wonder about her exact motivations for volunteering to go to the masquerade, and if it's something more than simply saving Mycroft. Maybe she's just the sort to step up when no-one else will. But I do sense there's more to in than we're initially told *squints at her*

While in the first chapter, there's a lot of inner debate and thought which gives an insight, there isn't much in the following couple of chapters that really lets her character shine. I guess that's because Sol is pretty passive throughout them, mostly just watching other people do things and interact. Which is fair enough, because there's a lot going on with lots of people xD

Given the number of characters you introduce in such a short space of time, you actually do a pretty good job of giving each of them a distinguished personality. In Chapter 2, I really like the contrast between Fyn's happy welcome and the High Valerians -- it highlights the differences between the states. Then in Chapter 3, you do a pretty good job at showing off each character in just a few details. There's obviously a lot more delving into their characters to do, but from the way the plot is going, it's likely we'll be spending a lot of time with this group, so I'm not too worried about that. We have the defining characteristics down. First impressions for a character are really important, and you pretty much nail all of them. So congratulations *applauds*

Also, I liked the interaction with Ele. Talking to him off to the side really emphasised how apart he seemed from the others, making him stand out and all the more intriguing. Secrets are fun, and I'm looking forward to learning his. And more about Sol's xD He's my favourite so far, by the way. No, it is not just because of his fancy glasses--

Anyway, you've got the base for some good characters. As long as the characterisation continues, particularly for Sol, you won't have any issues there.

Writing Style

I do like your style! It's not overly complicated, but still captures your scenes pretty well. There's a clear contrast between the simplicity of Mycroft, the business of Centerfold, and finally the imposing beauty of the Coliseum, without packing in too many details.

Having said that, the amount of character descriptions in Chapter 3, though mostly well done, does feel a tad overwhelming, though I'm not sure how you'd solve that. Perhaps you could tone back the detail when it comes to clothing and add that in gradually later on, rather than dedicating a paragraph to describing each person. Just focus on defining details right at the start. I say this as a reader who sucks at taking in character appearances xD It's harder to remember things when they're tossed at me all at once, but if they come slowly and seamlessly, they're more likely to sink in.

You also weave Sol's inner thoughts with imagery, which is always good and much more interesting to read. And often entertaining xD Sometimes the style can feel a little too casual, like direct address to 'you' and phrases like 'I mean', but as it is in first person, it's probably a good thing that so much personality leaks through into the narration, as long as you keep it consistent.

All in all, I don't have any major issues with your general style. It's detailed when it needs to be, it gets impressions across well, and it keeps me reading. *adds another big tick*

The only thing I'd really flag up is the colour of the eyes referred to in the first chapter, which relates to Mycroft's plague. I must admit, when I first saw 'blue-stained' and all the other eye descriptions in this chapter, I assumed you meant the actual colour of the iris. It was only going back and reading again that I realised you meant the whites of the eyes were stained. Which is cool, don't get me wrong, but it could be made clearer. All it needs is one mention that you're referring to the outside of the eye, and it'll be much easier to read as such.

Now, onto grammar! It is mostly good, with nothing that really detracts from the story. Your main grammatical issue is the bane of a writer's existence: commas xD Mostly missing commas. For instance:

For a second I was too stunned to do anything but freeze.

This needs a comma after 'for a second'. The best thing to do with commas is to read the sentence aloud and see where you naturally pause, then add commas in there.

There was a particular sentence, as well, which felt very long, not just down to missing commas:

The courtyard was full to the brim with everyone from nobles from each state and members of the Supreme Court of the West to servants and messengers scurrying about.

I think this is actually grammatically correct, but it is not fun to read xD There isn't really anywhere you could put a comma to make it read massively better. I'd suggest breaking up this sentence and going into more detail. For example, you could simplify it to:

The courtyard was full to the brim with everyone from nobles to servants.

From there, you could go on to describe those people in more detail -- say, the colours of clothing that identifies them, or what they're doing -- as well as mentioning the Supreme Court of the West. That would be a lot easier to understand and take in.

Finally, there is also the occasional tense slip, so keep an eye out for them. I'll grab an example from right near the start of the first chapter:

If there's anything Ceres hates more than being kept waiting, it's being kept waiting by me.

This entire sentence just needs to be shoved back into the past tense. But these don't happen very often in what I read, and are mostly something you can pick out in reading through and editing.

Plot

As always, I've only really scratched the surface with what I've read, but I do like where it's going! It seems simple enough -- Sol and her new team undertake a treacherous journey to a party (the only way I'd say a party is worth attending, but anyway), hopefully in order to save Mycroft from death-by-plague. With plenty of interesting characters to get to know along the way and a promise of lots of danger. Oh, and little mysteries surrounding the aforementioned plague, as well as why exactly Sol was the only one to step up to this challenge, which are definitely intriguing enough to keep me reading. Also a cool and detailed fantasy world. Exactly my kind of book xD

So yeah, your plot seems good, looking forward to seeing it grow as the book continues. In terms of pacing, you kept the story moving well -- if anything, at times it felt a little quick, but overall you keep it engaging and interesting. The only real issue I'll flag up is the way you begin Chapter 1.

I probably should have addressed it in the Hook section, but we'll do it here xD Because, yes, you start with Sol looking into a mirror. At least you don't then go into a detailed description of what she looks like but still, it's not the sort of opening that immediately draws me in. What doesn't help is you then go back and do the mirror thing again, but in more detail, later in the chapter. The second one works better, since it really puts an emphasis on how different she appears and is more interesting to read, but this first one -- right at the start of the first chapter -- I don't like as much. Yes, you've already had your prologue, but this still needs a good hook. This is the first time we meet our main character, properly, and really start the story.

If you're going to start this way, I'd suggest giving more focus to her blue-stained eyes, since they seem to be significant, and perhaps more about what they mean. But that can come later, when you develop the plague a little more. Personally, I think the third scene in this chapter -- which starts with our second mirror scene -- is the best, and would actually make a pretty good opening. I think if you tweaked it a bit to fit a start to a chapter, it would work well.

Also, right near the end of this chapter, you mention 'the Farewell'. I think it would be good to actually see this as a scene? It would show more of Ceres and Sol's relationship -- which is important as it seems they won't be seeing each other for a while -- and really drive home what is at stake for Sol. You could also then use this scene to introduce Mycroft's plague in a similar way to how you currently do earlier in the chapter?

Of course, this is mostly a nitpick -- the chapter does work fine as it is now. I just think it might be more impactful as an opening this way, and more emotional for the reader to actually see Sol say goodbye to Ceres and Mycroft as a whole, if it's doable.

I should also quickly touch on world-building. Because it is well done *applauds* I like the way the states work and the clear hierarchy, as well as the casual hints at fantasy beings such as elves and dwarves existing, which makes it feel very normal for Sol and her society. It's a fun social dynamic and it'll be interesting to explore, particularly with Sol -- and many of the other commoners, it seems -- simply being human. It does need further development, but that's the sort of thing that comes as the book progresses.

Overall Thoughts

I really do like this book! My only reading three chapters was more of a time thing than based on enjoyment. You have a good world down, an interesting and fun cast to explore, and a fairly unique plot that raises questions while still keeping down a good degree of clarity. I know roughly what to expect from it, but there's still plenty to discover :D

This is one of those rare and annoying books that I actually found hard to review because of its standard. Seriously, Ten. How dare you make my job more difficult by being a good writer xD It may be helped by my general love of high fantasy, but nevertheless, don't be surprised if I pop up continuing to silent read.

I am sorry it took so long. I checked your comment request and it's been almost exactly a year xD But here you go, done at last. And to the rest of you waiting, this pup is finally coming for you--