Title: Saving Mona

Author: @Choco_Late8

Genre: Teen Fiction

Chapters Read: Prologue - 2

Cover & Title

I actually quite like the title. It's simple, features the main character's name, and does feel very teen fiction to me, which is all it really needs to be. So I don't really have any complaints there. It works!

The cover feels quite atmospheric, which I like. I'll always be attracted to some fancy text, and you have that. Mona's broken nature comes through with the face on there, and the sort of smoke or fog perhaps mirrors how choked she is by reality? Or something like that xD I'm not sure what the thing behind the text is though - maybe a feather? But I don't mind too much. The only issue with the cover really is the text at the top - it's kind of blurry and small, making it hard to read, as well as being quite long for a tagline. So I think you need something a little shorter and more obvious.

Summary

As far as teen fiction summaries I've seen before, it's pretty good! You establish Mona's problems without being overly detailed, which I like, as well as showing that there is hope and it isn't all doom and gloom because we don't want that xD The stakes are kind of vague - perhaps you could go into what could happen if Dwayne doesn't manage to help Mona? - but I kind of get the feel that she's in a pretty downward spiral so I'm not sure if it's necessary.

The first paragraph does feel a little repetitive, in that you say everyone wants to be Mona and then say everyone loves her as well as saying how perfect she is - I don't think all of that is necessary. You just need to state how perfect she is and then contrast that by saying that she's hiding a broken girl. But otherwise, I like the first two paragraphs.

I see a lot of 'follow *insert character name*' in summaries, so I'd change up your third paragraph to remove that. You could say something like Only together can they find the light at the end of their dark tunnels? I just feel like the follow thing is a little overused, but I suppose it works so I shouldn't really complain xD

The rest of the summary isn't really necessary, I believe. Another overused thing in summaries is the 'This is a story of *list of words*', except that I don't think this one really works. Your last question is pretty powerful, but it doesn't really have a great deal to do with the story itself so I'm not sure. I think your summary would still have enough impact if you just left it off with that third paragraph.

Extra note: to me, the huge list of awards and highest ranks is quite over-facing and feels a little unnecessary. You could put them in an A/N at the start of the book, or just remove them altogether. In all honesty, I don't feel like Wattpad's ranking system means a great deal unless you're ranked highly in a genre tag - I'm not quite sure how it works, but being ranked highly in something like #mona or #abuse doesn't feel like a great achievement to me. But still well done xD

Hook

Not going to lie... your hook isn't great. In your prologue, you start off with Mona waking up to an alarm clock, which must be the most overused teen fiction start ever. At least you don't spend ages on the waking up thing, but yes, it's not the most exciting of beginnings. Following a character through their morning routine always feels a little unnecessary to me. Like, just cut to the chase and let's get into it!

That said, as these kinds of starts go, yours actually sort of works. Mostly because you don't spend ages on the details, and also because Mona's routine isn't quite ordinary. Even that short scene with her mother established her home life very well and instantly invoked sympathy for her. *hugs her tight*

Maybe you could skip the waking up bit and just start with her coming down the stairs to greet her mother? That way we're instantly into the action and the main point of the prologue. It's not a massive skip, but enough to make the very beginning more hooking than it is.

I actually don't think that your prologue is necessary - its events could easily be tagged onto the first chapter or removed entirely. Prologues are supposed to be a little separate from the main story, I find - different PoV, in the past, something like that - but yours leads straight into the first chapter. Remember, a prologue is only necessary if you actually have some other information you need the reader to know before they get into the story. Personally, I don't think you need a prologue at all.

But as hooks go, even though it starts in a very cliche way, you actually do make it work. Just a little tweak and you'll have a very hooking start to your story.

Characters

For the most part, you write Mona really well. She seems like a nice person despite all that she's going through, and you make her very easy to empathise with. Even if she is thought of as 'perfect' at school, I actually sort of relate to who she actually is. Little details like what she actually thinks of her friends and parties make her a believable character.

That said... I do have one issue with her character, and that is that she's, well, a little whiny? Not exactly that but that's the only word I can think of xD It feels like all she thinks about is how perfect everyone sees her as, and how broken she actually is. I couldn't go like five paragraphs without it being mentioned. I get that what she's going through must follow her about and always drag her down (which sucks *hugs her again*) but for me, it got a little repetitive. By the end of Chapter 1, it had lost its effect, because she'd told me that she was broken in so many different ways that I was almost like 'right, I get it, can we not go on about it?'

What I'd like to see is her distract herself at school. If she's been going through all this for so long, you'd think she'd be able to escape, if only temporarily. I know things like that must never get easier but at the same time it must be possible to not think about it all the time. She says at one point that the truth and lies get blurred together, but I don't really feel that. If you want to show truth and lies blurring, then perhaps show her getting into her perfect character a little bit more. Almost forgetting who she actually is. Then she gets home and it all comes crashing back.

Obviously she's your character and if she can't do that, then I understand. But I feel like that would make the scene at the end of the first chapter more impactful, as well as providing a contrast between her school and home life.

Right, onto the rest of the characters xD Mona's father I hate. Horrible guy. Grr. Mona's mother I sympathise more, because it feels like her husband has made something snap inside of her, and she's even more broken than Mona is. She drinks to escape and is cruel to Mona to try to inflict the pain she's feeling, but still won't let those cracks show to the outside world. Of course, she's still pretty horrible, but I see her reasoning and so I don't hate her quite as much xD

Mona's friends' characters I mostly know about because Mona told me what they're like - Jarod's excitable and loves gossip, Melanie's just your typical spoiled boy-obsessed girl and Layla's the quiet one. If you could remove the paragraphs where she just states what they're like and focused more on letting their personalities shine through with their action and dialogue, that would work better.

Oh, and *flicks Brian away* similar telly problem, needs more showing, but still. Me no like him xD

Writing Style

As mentioned, your writing can be quite telly often, so do work on showing off characters and emotions without Mona outright stating them. But it isn't too much of a problem, so I'm not too worried. For the most part, if you cut away the explanatory bits, the showing stands up on its own anyway xD

I think the main problem with your writing is that it can be repetitive. Like I mentioned with the repetition of Mona saying how broken she is, you tend to repeat the same thing but phrased differently, when really if you just kept one we'd still know what you were talking about. Here's an example:

Nothing went on without him knowing about it. Simply put, no news passed him by.

You see what I mean? Both say the same thing, so only one is needed. There are a few other instances as well, but this was one of the most obvious. Just make sure you don't waffle unnecessarily and just say what is needed for the story.

I do want to say though, you write emotion very well. Sometimes this repetitive nature does hinder its effectiveness, though, like with Mona being broken, but the emotions do come through clearly. For example, that scene at the end of the first chapter when Mona basically has a breakdown felt very real - I've seen my parents argue before and though it isn't to the extreme Mona has to deal with or as consistent, those sorts of feelings come regardless and you showed that so well. When she was thinking about what she wanted to be, an impossible dream, I just wanted to hug her so bad. She's seeing her family break apart in front of her eyes and she can't even talk to anyone about it.

I think if you just cut down a little on the telly and repetitive stuffs, your writing will flow better and those emotional moments will be even more effective.

In terms of grammar, it was mostly okay. The main recurring issue is dialogue tags, but to be honest so many people have trouble with them that all I'm going to do is point you to the chapter in the Dreamland Guide Book and say you'll find your answers there xD

You also have a few comma-related mistakes, but I'm by no means a comma expert so I don't think I'm the best person to advise you xD But you might want to look at comma rules and change a few things there.

Plot

I'll just start general and say although I've only read the first couple chapters, I do like your book. You tackle some key issues and show so well how the problems of parents affect their daughter. Although it's not the sort of book I would usually read - I read to escape the problems of the real world rather than immerse myself in them - I'm sure there's loads of people out there who should really enjoy your book. And I can see things getting better for Mona in the long term. They should, anyway *stares* *hugs Mona*

The pacing works mostly well, too - things only occasionally move a little slowly, and it's usually to do with the repetitiveness I discussed in Writing Style. What I like most is that you don't rush through things and give us time to really get to know Mona and what she's going through. The party especially, I feel, was a really good way to show her relationship with her boyfriend and her struggle to keep up the pretence that everything's fine.

I'm glad we haven't met the boy from the summary yet. I think probably the next chapter would be about right for us to be introduced to him, after we've had two chapters of seeing Mona gradually get beaten down by life. She really needs some hope right now :(

As I said in the Hook section, I feel the prologue could easily be trimmed and made part of the first chapter, but otherwise chapter arrangement feels good.

There were small little issues I picked up on, but they really are small. For example, how during Mona's parents arguing, both the mother and father just say one long paragraph to each other and that's the end of it. To me, that's not entirely realistic? Usually arguments involve a little more back and forth. I feel you could delve into that a little more and separate out their thoughts.

There's also the bit at the party - though I liked it, I think you could make that scene a little longer too. I'm pretty sure an entire house of guests wouldn't get completely drunk within the first few minutes, which is how it seems the way you tell it. Perhaps drag out that a little longer to show everyone gradually drinking more and becoming less with-it. You're not insta-drunk from like one glass of champagne xD

Finally, the whole business with he. By the end of the second chapter, I'd gotten used to what you meant by the 'he' or whatever in italics (though it's still a kind of mystery and I'm intrigued *eyes*) but before then I was quite confused. I think at some point during that second chapter you need to make that a little clearer - not ruining the mysterious nature of it, just saying a name, perhaps? Ezra, right? Or you could say like 'the boy I used to come here with' or just something that eliminates confusion and makes it confused intrigue, because the latter is good but the former is off-putting. But otherwise I love the mystery there and yes *more eyes*

Like I said, they're only minor things, but if you polish them over it will flow even better :D

Overall Thoughts

I did enjoy it! Well, maybe not enjoyed it because poor Mona :( ... but I certainly appreciated the good writing. You're crafting a character I already really care about and making me really want things to get better for her. Let's hope it's that heartwarming story by the end xD

Basically, my main advice to you is not to get carried away with the words. It's okay for a description to be short. Just one sentence can be as - or even more - powerful than a whole paragraph. We don't want to be bombarded with the same emotion over and over again.

But overall, very good job! Definitely keep writing. And be nice to Mona eventually ;-; *gives her one final hug*