Title: Redemption

Author: @Rosephilips

Genre: Science Fiction

Chapters Read: Prologue - 3

Title & Cover

While I do like the simplicity of your title, I do think that it's not particularly unique. That is always the trouble with one-word titles - it's all too easy for them to be replicated, and Redemption feels like the sort of thing many other people would think to use. It's not clear how it fits into your story, either. It might have something to do with the world getting redemption - or maybe it's to do with Tom? - but I'm not entirely sure. So sorry, but the title doesn't really stand out to me.

I like the cover more. It has a lovely sci-fi mechanic feel to it, and the fire in the centre is really striking. The metallic font stands out from the darker background just enough to be readable without feeling overly bright. Just from the cover, I'd expect to be encountering a futuristic, city-based world, most likely with lots of machinery.

Summary

I do like it. The sun doesn't exist in this world? Already that's a cool and unique concept. It explains the darkness of the cover - save the mysterious fire. Then we have our main character, who has an interesting past, so more intrigue there.

However, I'm not so much of a fan of the third paragraph. For one, it's all one big sentence, which feels a little clunky, and it's also kind of vague and unclear. Here it is:

Finding herself crucial to the success of the Scientific Restoration of the World, she struggles to come to terms with the life thrust upon her, in order to save The Haven and prevent the extinction of humanity.

I had to read it a couple of times before it made sense. The way you've worded it, it says that she needs to come to terms with her new life and that will save the world, which doesn't feel entirely right. I'm guessing she needs to do something special to save everyone. I'm also a little confused as to what this restoration has to do with her? Why is it her fate? You give us some pretty big stakes - the extinction of humanity - but we need something personal too. Only she can save the world? How? Why? Is there a cost?

Of course, I'm not expecting you to explain everything in the summary. It's supposed to be vague, to a point. But I'd like just a little more. Perhaps if you start the paragraph by saying a sudden discovery thrusts her into a new life she struggles to come to term with. Then say how it turns out she's crucial to this scientific restoration, and give us a little background on that - in the current summary it feels a little thrown in there without us actually knowing what it involves. That includes 'The Haven', because that feels like another random term. I could guess it's a city or settlement, or maybe some special team of people, but you don't even hint at what it is. All it takes is a few words like 'powerful city, The Haven' or whatever, and it's sorted. Either that, or you don't use the terms at all until you get into the story and just describe what you mean here.

Then you can finish with a dramatic final sentence - preferably with its own paragraph - about how if she doesn't do whatever the thing is, humanity will go extinct, so our stakes are nice and clear and it feels as tense as it needs to be.

I will point out though, it is a pretty hooking and intriguing summary. It just needs something more!

Oh, and one extra note: I'd remove that list of all the awards won from the summary. One or two is fine, but once you have that many it becomes more overfacing than something that will make me read it, at least in my opinion. I'd just put in a section of your Introduction chapter. Well done for so many achievements, though! :D

Hook

Your prologue is a fantastic hook. Your dialogue is so perfect and so sad, and you ended it really shockingly... it broke my heart, honestly. Poor Rose.

I especially like the way you show her view of the events. The thoughts and emotions feel very much how a six-year-old would see things. It flows so well - the reader can feel the sense of foreboding that Rose can't, and we know there's something bad about to happen, but we don't know what.

In all, you have a sense of mystery as well as that emotional quality about it, and I have a bunch of questions. The fact that you end it without us even knowing if she gets away or not pulled me in so well and compelled me to read on to the next chapter. Good job!

One quick question though: why is it in italics? Since it's a prologue, we already know that it's separate to the main story, so the extra formatting doesn't really add anything but aesthetic effect. But if you want that, that's fine!

The first chapter is also pretty hooking, mostly because you chuck us right into the action. So much happens in that first chapter. I'll get into the negatives of that in later sections, but as a hook it works really well.

Characters

It's hard to fully make out Rose's character at first. I think that's mostly due to the rapid pace at which things move - again, I'll go into that later. After reading a few chapters, she seems quite determined, and also you tell us in the first chapter that she doesn't trust anyone, so there's that too. But mostly it's just things happening to her, and we never really get to delve into her character.

Perhaps you can delve into that part of her character a little more. She's been alone for much of her life, right? That's why she doesn't trust anyone. So show that. Show her dodge away from people walking towards her, or someone smiles at her and she looks down, not wanting to meet anyone's gaze. Little things like that can show us a lot about her.

I do like how desperate she is to keep the satchel near her, and also how she stays determined and focused even in the chaos in the hotel - though I do feel she should have got a little more panicked, seeing how much was going on. She doesn't give in to fear. In the second and third chapter, she keeps thinking of how to escape. You show her as a really strong character - I'd just like to see something more.

Moving to Tom, I think you write him quite well. He certainly seems like an interesting character. However, in the second chapter, during his conversation with Rose, he does seem to shift from being fairly joking to angry very quickly - you might want to smooth that over. I do like his casual attitude, though - it makes me even more intrigued as to why he's working with what seems to be the bad guys. And their exchange does portray Rose's unwillingness to trust very well, so good job with that!

Writing Style

I like your descriptions. You get across a lot in the space of a few sentences. It's mostly easy to follow, and all flows quite well. I do like your style, but there are a few issues I want to point out.

Firstly, a personal annoyance of mine - paragraphing. Obviously, yours do work just fine. It's not like it's all one paragraph or whatever. But I've always thought that a simple but very effective way to build tension and smooth out flow is to use paragraphs. I would advise against using longer paragraphs unless it's a moment where things aren't particularly rushed, or you're describing a particular thing, especially on Wattpad where so many people are reading on small phone screens. A big chunky paragraph can feel quite overfacing. As can lots of paragraphs that are a similar length.

So yes. That's a very long winded way of me saying you should probably separate some of your longer paragraphs, and vary paragraph lengths, especially those when you're trying to convey a rushed or panicked atmosphere. Pop a few one-liners in! But don't get too obsessed, like a certain wolf...

Linking to that, I feel like your scene in the first chapter that should convey clear panic doesn't really, and that's not all down to the consistent paragraph lengths. It also feels just a little flat to me. It's as if Rose isn't particularly fazed by the fact that some men tried to shove her into a car, or that the hotel lobby is on fire. The descriptions feel quite matter-of-fact. Even when you're writing third person, the reactions and emotions of your characters should come through in the writing style.

What struck me was when Rose commented that there were only adults running out of the exit, and no children. She seems more interested in that than the smoke or the fact that everyone is panicking. To me, it seems like an unusual thing for her to notice, given what is happening. You could show this fact instead - describe the fact that there are loads of children in the lobby when she walks through it earlier in the chapter, then maybe briefly mention that there's only adults here, but don't linger on it - instead, make sure it seems her focus is on the smoke and the panic. Make use of short sentences or single words, or one-line paragraphs. Making your writing a little more disjointed at those moments is a great way to keep the tension high and your readers hooked.

Apart from that, I did really like your writing style. The style of the prologue was really emotive - the way you structure that and describe the events made my heart race. Keep that going throughout the rest of it, and it'll be really great. I want to be there with Rose, not just an observer.

Your grammar was pretty much faultless, so very good job on that! There were a couple of moments with isolated dialogue where I wasn't quite sure who was speaking, but it was usually easy enough to guess. You just need an extra dialogue tag to clarify sometimes, so just double check that when you edit.

I'd also advise against using '!?' since it feels more like punctuation for text speak than a novel. Even exclamation marks should be used sparingly - they can be great in dialogue and very occasionally in character thoughts, but usually in the main narrative they're not needed.

Plot

I always think that sci-fi requires a great deal of creativity, since you haven't quite got the free rein that fantasy allows but can take things much further while remaining at least a little realistic, and I love the uniqueness of your world. I still love the fact that there's no sun and everything's dark. It's just such an inviting concept.

I'm still not sure what role Rose will play in saving the world, as was hinted at in the summary, but the strange men and people that can turn into dogs is certainly intriguing. I don't have much clue as to what's going on, but I don't think Rose does either and so that's fine. The mystery adds to the suspense.

I think my last problem really is to do with the pacing, but this is only really relevant for the first chapter. It settled down in the next couple chapters and I was able to follow much more easily. But in the first chapter, I did think that things moved a little too fast. Of course, lots is happening and it probably feels fast to Rose too, but we barely get a chance to learn anything about her before she's in the elevator and talking to the men and a bunch of things start happening. A couple of times, I had to stop and reread the previous paragraph to get a grasp on what was going on.

I do like how you begin the chapter - bad feelings never go well, and that immediately puts readers on edge. But I think you could probably play with that anticipation a bit more. Instead of her immediately walking into the boy and then the elevator, perhaps she could go to the counter and get her room key, or something like that? All the while she could feel this sense of foreboding. It would also allow her to have an exchange with someone, so we could get to grips with her character a little more. Then as she turns away, distracted, she bumps into the boy. Then rushes to the elevator. Then sees the tiger. All with a little more detail, just to slow things down a bit and let the reader settle into your book. Specifically on the tiger, I'd like a little more hesitation, since a tiger in a hotel lobby isn't exactly normal - perhaps Rose could stop and stare, blinking and wondering, before realising that the elevator doors have opened and hurriedly stepping inside.

Just generally slow that first chapter down a little until you get to the fire - then you can increase the pace to add to the panic. I really do like the events and how you describe things in the first chapter - just a few more details would make it perfect.

Overall Thoughts

I really did enjoy reading your book. Not carrying on was more of a time issue than not enjoying. Your cliffhangers are really great, and maybe later on once I've got more time for reading I'll come back and learn a little more. I did see that the next chapter is Tom PoV... maybe I'll silent read a bit further in...

I feel like all the main issues could probably be summarised in a tagline for this review - I need more! More in the summary, more characterisation, more tension, more details... we have good stuff, but we want more of it xD

Definitely keep writing - you've got a great style and some really interesting ideas. :D